Life So Far

Just in case there are some people out there who are wondering where have I been since my last emo, homesick blog post, I think I should do a little bit of updates. Let's start with the standard answer,

I'm fine, thank you.

It's been a funny week which started with another failure, then another the next day, then doubts, then annoyance.

My rebellious cells were about to metastasise, but thanks to my inability to hide any unstable form of emotions, I received the help that I needed.

Sorry my friend, I didn't get to fulfil my promise for two things so far. But I won't stop trying.

Anyone can say whatever they want, but in the end, it all starts inside of me.

_____________________

In an unrelated issue, IELTS speaking trials was both funny and sad.

Examiner: Tell me about a TV advertisement that you remember the most.

Me: I'm dead. To be honest, I can't remember any. It's been too long since I last watched TV.

Examiner: That's pretty weird for someone living in the new generation.

_____________________

This week, from a lot of incidents, I learnt that being too honest can really kill you.

Confession, Confession

Two blog posts in a day.

Signs and symptoms of Fee's emoness.

There's this something stuck in my throat, if you ask me how do I feel right now. 

The last time I felt this homesick was when I became a quitter from boarding school life. That was about six years ago. I can't believe that at this moment, at the age of 19 years old, for the first time in this place, in the third semester (and never ever in the previous semesters), tonight I feel like running home. I can even cry like a baby now if I had zero sense of humour.

Oh why does the slightest breeze gives me such a chill? 

Emo. Alone. Emo. Alone.

Yes I am emo. Yes I am alone.

But I am not emo because I am alone. 

Being alone is one of the greatest thing I could ever get ever since I entered college, and now, right at this moment, I kind of get what I wanted.

My emoness upon leaving the city of meow meow (Errgghh..why am I making myself sound so cute?) has yet to be swept away by the SA wind, and I doubt I'll be recovering from this mild homesickness in two or three days to come, but yeah, hello once again, college life. Now it's time for real life againnnn..which means..emoness..depression..hunger..tests..homeworks..bio reports..and..

I don't know why this one week raya break kind of took away all my enthusiasm.

You can be surrounded by thousands of people, yet still feel all alone. You can be all alone, yet still feel that you kind of like being alone. That's what I'm thinking of right now.

I'm alone, I kind of like it, but I'm feeling kind of lonely

and I'm missing home.

I hate super short annoying holidays.

Maybe I just need some sleep to overcome this emoness.

Ooookay...now I see myself whining.

Procrastination Kills

Freaking out.

Again.

Super short holidays are super annoying :/

Random (Useless) Post of the Day

Ooookayy.

I think I'm getting lamer and having more excessive random thoughts ever since I got stranded at LCCT for don't know how many hours that day. 

I'm like somehow having very random thoughts which don't really connect to each other, and whenever I see a human being in front of me, I feel like shouting out a random status update.

And tonight I would actually love to narrate what I've gone through the past (counts using fingers) four days, but that'll be extra lengthy and time-consuming (and time-wasting), so I choose to just shut all of those ideas, there you go, let them be dead.

Well, being home is not bad at all, I don't get it, why on earth did I previously say I didn't want to return home this Raya, which errr, caused my parents to be super worried. I'm really a bad child, I know.

Then I guess I inherit my overly-worrying genes from both of my parents, and those genes somehow made me end up waiting for my flight for I-don't-want-to-mention-how-many-hours, just because my dad told me to go to the airport super early. I knew I could make it even if I go one or two hours later, but you know, I have that fear of not listening to what my parents say, so yeah, I chose to obey.

So I was in an ocean of strangers, alone, but I somehow enjoyed it despite of the boredom. I felt that being alone gave me that Oooooh I'm so confident and brave type of feeling. 

And yes, I have issues with those who update their status every millisecond, but that day I became one of them. It's just because I couldn't simply blog about short random thoughts.

My flight was delayed for an hour, and I had the most unforgettable flight so far. So far. Because it's not that epic but rather annoying so I couldn't just simply forget about it. First, strong turbulence kept on making me think if that's going to be my last flight (well to be honest I have those thoughts in almost every flight, not surprising I guess). Then there's this dude behind me who kept on kicking my seat, causing me to give my killer glare, which worked. And then it's very shocking to see that the flight attendants were more kan cheong than me.

Then I don't know why all out of a sudden (Ooookay, I know why..must be air pressure), my eardrums felt like popping and they hurt like crazy, as if someone poked my right ear with a needle. For minutes, everything around me sounded like those voices you hear from walkie-talkies. 

Fast forward to this morning, it's actually my first day really being at home. So I decided that today I shall rest and relax...and tomorrow I shall do my bio report..and study..I guess.

To end this random but not so random post, someone might want to scold me today...

...because here I present to you the biggest irony so far: I'm at home, but minutes ago I got super hungry and I spotted some packets of instant noodles and one hard-boiled egg, so I was like errrr I don't really know what else to cook, so yeah, I had instant noodles. Don't tell my mum.

I actually have some mild philosophical thoughts which I would like to share, but I think I'm saving them for tomorrow. Or maybe the next day after tomorrow. Or whenever I get my brain back.

To be more random, here you go:

I just got timelined on Facebook after not logging in for 2 days.

I can no longer wake up at 7 automatically.

I carried a backpack which weighed 8kg last Thursday.

I left my boyfriend in Akasia.

I finished reading a novel in just two days.

I haven't sat in front of the tv yet.

Mosquitoes in this area don't find me attractive.

I found out that I can talk with aunties and uncles more confidently now.

I've been trying to edit a video on Sony Vegas Pro 11, which in the end, made me realise that I'm not good in handling such a complicated thing.

I want to write a song, but I don't feel any inspiration coming, and I'm getting bored with the same chord progressions and the same strumming pattern and the same theme in the lyrics.

I 'm sleepy, and I seriously think I've been wasting too much time.

Someone Needs This

I can't really say out comforting words because I'm not even out of my own fears yet, but I somehow want to say that I believe everything will turn out to be fine.

Stress

อดทนเวลาที่ฝนพรำ
Have patience when it's drizzling

อย่างน้อยก็ทำให้เราได้เห็นถึงความแตกต่าง
It at least enables us to see the differences

เมื่อวันเวลาที่ฝนจาง ฟ้าก็คงสว่างและทำให้เราได้เข้าใจ
By the time the rain has subsided, the sky will brighten up and make us realise

ว่ามันคุ้มค่าแค่ไหนที่เฝ้ารอ
That everything is worth the wait

- ฤดูที่แตกต่าง (Seasons Change), Boyd Kosiyabong.

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I've been hearing the word 'stress' too much lately. I've also probably been uttering it more than the word 'emo', which is more commonly mentioned in this place. I also know pretty well that studies say you are not supposed to even mention that word because it may influence your mindset.

There was a loud sound as if someone had tripped and knocked the table two rows behind me. I was prepared to join the rest of my classmates to give out a chuckle, thinking that maybe it was one of my classmates who clumsily kicked the table leg.

My assumption was wrong. As I glanced, I found out that my classmate actually collapsed, semi-concious on the floor as she fainted when she was about to walk to the front of the class.

She was rushed to the nearby clinic, regained consciousness over there, and soon we found out that the word 'stress' caused all these to happen.

It woke me up from my own stress.

Walk anywhere in this area, and I believe you can immediately conclude that it's a season of stress. Even some juniors are overwhelmed with their first assignments, first tests, etc. and because life is not just about studies, other reasons may also contribute to the anxiety that most of the people already have.

However there are a few things that triggered me to write about this today.

Lecturer A: What...stress?! This is only preparatory level, not even medical school yet!

Lecturer B: All of you are future doctors. You need to have high EQ, not only high IQ.

We make remarks too easily sometimes. Even PMR kids can feel stressed out. No matter which level you are in, it's all the same. That stage of life you are currently in, of course it's big, of course it's hard, and of course you'll view it as something so easy when you look back after leaving that stage.

Well, about having high EQ, I can't comment any further. We never know everything that an individual is facing. We might think that our friend is stressed up because of studies only, but who knows, there's actually a lot more of other things. And as human beings, of course we have true emotions.

Some people have been telling me that I looked stressed out these past few days. I think they assumed about it from the way I kept quiet and looked less hyper. Well I was having a little bit of worries, but I wasn't too stressed out. I managed to control it by trying to control my thoughts.

At the age of 19 I've seen myself being in a stage where I felt that the sky was about to fall. I've faced failures that I never thought of. I've gone through a stage where I thought that I could no longer take it. I've thought about suicide. 

So when that tiny bit feeling of stress approached me a few days ago, I knew that it's not the end of the world. I did choose to frown a little, talk less and appear cranky, because I'm a human being who has emotions, but behind all these, I knew it's just a little season that's going to pass by.

A* scorers would want to maintain what they already have. U grade students would surely want to do far better. Efficient people get distracted too. Procrastinators would definitely want to change to become better.

A* or U, 15 points or 5, efficient person or pro procrastinator, or whatever it is, all of us have our own reasons to feel stressed out.

It's just a season anyway,

and seasons do change.

So I guess now we just need to walk with our raincoats on, and wait for that sunny morning to greet us once again.

Maybe it's a season of stress, but I'm pretty sure it's the time to have persistence as well.

I'm having this sudden stress-free moment, which is weird, which may also mean that someone had prayed for me after seeing my emo face. Who knows. :D

Feeling-less

I feel that I feel feeling-less maybe because now I'm starting to feel all sorts of feelings.

Been more than a month since I wrote The First of July, and I can feel that my motivation is dying. I am not whining. I don't want that to happen. But I'm just tired, sometimes. And feeling tired makes me cranky, to be honest.

Life is not getting any easier. Nights in Akasia are filled with mosquitoes every night lately. Never had I experienced waking up around 3am to find that mosquito bites are all over my arms. 

I'm starting to lag behind classes for Bio notes and Maths homework, and I know this is not a good sign at all.

Weekends are so busy, making me feel so disappointed of myself for not being able to manage time wisely. Just when I thought I could sit back and start revising, new things come. Most of the time I'm caught in dilemma. Most of the time I feel like whining. Most of the time I just feel like shutting myself from the outside world and start being a hardcore nerd.

Topic tests are coming soon.

Homeworks are piling up.

Bio reports are beginning to haunt me.

Now that I've entered my second month here, I've just realised that if I don't fight this fear now, I'm probably going to end up the way I ended up n the previous two semesters. And breaking free from that cycle is not easy, I know. 

And I really want to join my friends to watch Chong Wei vs Lin Dan at the mamak tonight, but I'm still thinking whether I'm supposed to do so or not, when I haven't been studying for the past two days.

I'm so tired of thinking.