Finally Mine

Why 14? Well..coz I love Mitsui, and 14 has something to
do with me too.

Muehehehe.

My Weakness

I thought I've learnt my lesson, but the truth is, I only discovered how feeble I am, and how pathetic my expectations and actions are since I stepped into college.

I never believed in seeking help from others when I was in secondary school. I thought that relying on someone is not a good thing to do. Not until I entered this college..when every word thrown towards me, every action portrayed, really did matter to me. I even allowed it to be a measurement for the worth of my existence here. And that was my huge mistake, a very huge one that haunts me till this day.

I knew where did everything went wrong.

I always loved attention, I admit. I lack that in this college. When my grades deteriorated, I began to cry in silence for help, but like what I always say, the adults in this cruel little town don't give a damn. This is college, they say. Buck up, they say. Either way that I've chosen, yes I've chosen both ways, I started to see how and why I shouldn't have taken those choices.

For three semesters I've chosen silence and anger.

Thirteen days before my real final exams, I've chosen to have courage and seek help.

What did I get for the past three semesters of silence? Bitterness. The sense of worthlessness. Anger. Emptiness.

When I searched for help and put aside my shame and fear?

I received a mixture of things.

I received words that encouraged me. I received help that I needed. I began to see my dreams once again, and have the desire to chase it. But I made a mistake. I placed my hopes too high on human, and to tell you the truth, when the very same person who told you "you can do it" can no longer be there to tell you the same thing, the previous statement can become meaningless.

I was wrong in so many ways, to have been too dependent on others to point out my strengths for me, because in the end, the cycle will repeat, and I will have to say to myself, "I guess it's just you and me, buddy. Just you and me."

Three more weeks to go before everything ends, I can say that every grown-up in Shah Alam gave up on me. Not a single one sincerely tried to help me till the end. Pathetic right? I'm 20 years old, but I sense inside me there's this kid screaming for a grown-up to tell me I will make it and I am not a hopeless person. 

In the end, I just see it this way, it is my weakness - to think too nicely about something, that would in the end cause me to float for help once again. No one cared in the first place. It was just me who hoped too much.

*Sorry for some mild cursing. Not depressed..just trying to put my thoughts into words that I can read back in the future.

Things To Do

(When emo)

- Do laundry which has been piled up since last Wednesday due to yesterday's and today's consecutive days of going to war.

- Go online to complain like crybaby about today's paper. 

- Sleep until feel bored of lying like a dead man.

- Watch Slam Dunk until feel like vomiting.

- Play basketball until feel like dying.

Once the emoness is gone, get ready for an action-packed moment of studying Bio to get an A. 

I have to admit, my optimism is tested today. First paper was manageable, but second one..ha ha ha.. habislah.

I just have to get back my confidence which has been killed, then after that everything should be alright. Time to sleep until I don't feel like sleeping any longer.

Sorry Madam. I screwed your subject. But I had fun preparing for that paper, I really did, compared to last time when I used to label it as chicken liver. I guess I still have the chance to thank you. I have two more chances to bring up my grades. Two chances, not easy ones, but I'd like to keep my promise. 

End of..Week 2

More challenging weeks ahead.

The days are indeed more interesting when something is coming towards its end. The weather has started to get breezy again, nights are still filled with mosquitoes, there are moments of lame jokes, sometimes boredom strikes, yet I have to admit this month is unique in its own way.

Week 2 of exams has officially ended, and my prayer before sitting for a certain paper is always the same. I just want to get out of that hall without any regrets. Keeping myself happy is my major concern at this moment.

For that very reason, it's good to have extra large meals after a paper, then go to have a super long nap before resuming to..of course, revising.

Teacher's day had passed (and Mother's day too..sorry for not making any entries about this) and yesterday I took the chance to thank some teachers in secondary school, which made me realise that showing appreciation when you no longer see that person is far easier to do. And of course, conveying them in written messages are way easier that speaking them out. I wanted to wish some lecturers as well..but I guess it's not the usual stuff people do in college. To be honest, there are some lecturers who I really want to thank from the bottom of my heart, and I promise if I make it for A-Levels, a text message is surely going to land in their inbox.

So yeah, life goes on (almost) like normal..

And random stats of the day: Officially four weeks without guitar. Six days without basketball. Guitar I don't mind, for I'll still have the chance to play when I get back home. Basketball..this court next to my hostel block is the best I ever had in my life. I won't have a single chance to play in Kuching.

Exams, Basketball...and Reflections

Describe this month in two words.

Easy.

Exam. And basketball.

While it's pretty sad to witness the disappearance of calluses on my left fingertips, I've been discovering a new hobby which might as well turn into my new passion. Basketball.

Not that it's so new to me, but before this I always felt obligated to do other stuffs rather than to go out and play. However since I no longer have my guitar with me (last time I held a friend's guitar was more than three weeks ago), I'm finding another way to make myself happy. Come on, I'm tired of being depressed all the time.

In 2011, when I first joined an official basketball match (for INPRO), I couldn't even make a free throw.  (I was just a substitute by the way..) And despite learning how to dribble a basketball at an early age, I only got the chance to meet again with a basketball hoop when I was in Form 5.

Just a few days ago, I discovered that I can shoot the ball into the hoop from the foul line without even having to jump. That was something impossible, months ago. Haha. And when I attempted a three-pointer, I managed to get at least two in. Oh the joy of having to see some progress..

...which applies to studies as well. I no longer see Stats like chicken liver, so hard to chew and swallow. I no longer call myself a loser, and I never will again.

This month is so beautiful in its own way. It's sunny and windy almost everyday. 

No matter where I end up in the future, I have to admit, I cannot erase these last few moments in INTEC from my memories. 

Tomorrow's the Day

I am hopeful.

I've Decided...

..that I'm not putting my blog on hiatus this exam season.

I'm going to treat it like twitter instead.