My Weakness

I thought I've learnt my lesson, but the truth is, I only discovered how feeble I am, and how pathetic my expectations and actions are since I stepped into college.

I never believed in seeking help from others when I was in secondary school. I thought that relying on someone is not a good thing to do. Not until I entered this college..when every word thrown towards me, every action portrayed, really did matter to me. I even allowed it to be a measurement for the worth of my existence here. And that was my huge mistake, a very huge one that haunts me till this day.

I knew where did everything went wrong.

I always loved attention, I admit. I lack that in this college. When my grades deteriorated, I began to cry in silence for help, but like what I always say, the adults in this cruel little town don't give a damn. This is college, they say. Buck up, they say. Either way that I've chosen, yes I've chosen both ways, I started to see how and why I shouldn't have taken those choices.

For three semesters I've chosen silence and anger.

Thirteen days before my real final exams, I've chosen to have courage and seek help.

What did I get for the past three semesters of silence? Bitterness. The sense of worthlessness. Anger. Emptiness.

When I searched for help and put aside my shame and fear?

I received a mixture of things.

I received words that encouraged me. I received help that I needed. I began to see my dreams once again, and have the desire to chase it. But I made a mistake. I placed my hopes too high on human, and to tell you the truth, when the very same person who told you "you can do it" can no longer be there to tell you the same thing, the previous statement can become meaningless.

I was wrong in so many ways, to have been too dependent on others to point out my strengths for me, because in the end, the cycle will repeat, and I will have to say to myself, "I guess it's just you and me, buddy. Just you and me."

Three more weeks to go before everything ends, I can say that every grown-up in Shah Alam gave up on me. Not a single one sincerely tried to help me till the end. Pathetic right? I'm 20 years old, but I sense inside me there's this kid screaming for a grown-up to tell me I will make it and I am not a hopeless person. 

In the end, I just see it this way, it is my weakness - to think too nicely about something, that would in the end cause me to float for help once again. No one cared in the first place. It was just me who hoped too much.

*Sorry for some mild cursing. Not depressed..just trying to put my thoughts into words that I can read back in the future.