I Feel Like Writing..

I've been blogwalking on my own blog (oh, how narcissistic..) and I realised that time really passes by so quickly.

Thespeechlessdustbin has been a blog with redundant posts about failure, disappointment, and depression. 2014 is almost ending but I strongly think that nothing will ever change--not at least in one or two or three years. The pessimist inside of me (yes, it's inside me, not just a side of me) says that this will continue to be the dustbin of my emotions.

Since I'm in a good mood to write tonight, I guess I'll just write whatever that comes into my mind.

First of all, I'm quite happy with the pathway that I've chosen.

By saying the pathway, what I truly mean is that I'm happy with my current life goal. Four to eight years ago my goal was to become a doctor, and now I no longer give a shit about that life goal. Shows how much I'm not fit to become one in the first place haha. For that, I am actually thankful that the road suddenly changed direction.

However, I admit that I am frequently disturbed by the guilt that I'm sure I'll have to carry for the rest of my life. Guilt number one is the taxpayers' money. I scold myself every single night for this and I still can't get over it. Guilt number two is that I'm getting older and I wasted my years. I no longer feel guilty for disappointing my parents, which is good, because I know they love me no matter what my achievements are. I just have to stay like me (ie. dont kill myself, don't do drugs, don't follow a bad guy etc.) and one day I can show them that their sacrifices are worth it.

And what I'm not happy about is that my current environtment is really testing my patience. If last time, in Intec, my main concern was about finding my self-worth, waking up everyday to not feel like a loser, well now, it's a complicated business. Now my concern is more about the people around me. How I struggle each day to dodge through people who I'll never understand. And right now my true struggle is to shut up and try to be a wallflower instead of a smartass because I admit, each day I struggle to not feel superior. Heard of a quote saying that "If you think you're the smartest in the room, you're in the wrong room"? Well that's enough to make me feel that perhaps I chose the wrong place.

I'm not saying that I'm the smartest. But then each day I struggle to not start a debate with a tutor, to inform them that they got the concept wrong, to remind them that they give breaks for tooooo long per class, and I pay for the class man, so just teach and don't cheat on my money. I want to correct them nicely when they say "independence" instead of "interdependence" and I often feel restless in class. The girl next to me is watching a Korean show on her phone. The class is wild. No one wants to learn.

No wonder Mike Rosenberg dropped out of school when he was 16.

And there were two main highlights of last semester (that recently ended) which really broke my heart and caused me to analyse my thoughts.

Number one, I gave a negative evaluation to a tutor. Evaluations are supposed to be confidential, but not this one. I literally bashed a tutor and they wanted to know my identity. Who would've thought that I could be so heartless? It's been weeks and I still bash myself for being so stupid and senseless and heartless for being too honest.

I almost apologised personally during the last class, but the tutor bashed me back openly (in a subtle way of course) so I changed my mind.

Now I've made not only one, but two (and possibly more) enemies in college.

Another tutor badmouthed me saying that I'm a snobbish person who thinks I'm too smart to be in that college, which I find amusing and stupid and pure evil at the same time. However, deep down, (not really deep down), I'm pretty confident it was partly because of the evaluation incident, so deep down (again, not really deep down), I think I deserve being badmouthed anyway.

So this tutor accused me of reading a book while he was teaching.

Again, other people were playing with their expensive phones, some were staring blankly at the wall, and I, who put some effort to listen, check the facts from the textbook, and copy, was the bad person. How unfortunate.

And day by day I listen to friends who talk about friends and how friends are rude to a tutor while friends themselves are rude. Dang. The cycle. That cycle.

Enough with the story of the semester. It still makes me examine my morals though, to be honest. I truly regret that I gave the negative evaluation, I really do, but I hate them, I hate the system, I hate the politics for betraying my rights to be heard and my rights to remain confidential as agreed beforehand. So I'm trapped in between pretending that I don't know anything (or I don't give a damn) and I know my mistakes and I should humble myself, apologise, and we should live happily ever after and I could graduate well from that place and be the kid who pleases everyone.

But then this past year has shown me how innocence and any attempts to be humble might actually harm an individual. Sometimes I feel like I've lost all of my innocence and nice thoughts about people. How I wish the people here are like the people in Intec.

So yeah, I'm a lot more heartless now. It would be weird to meet up or catch up with Intec friends because I no longer feel like one of them. I'm actually scared, but I'm trying my best to just ignore all these stuff. I no longer know myself. It's confusing.

Other than that, there's actually not much of any other updates. It's a boring journey but I'm tyring to make it interesting and remember that I'm lucky to have the time with my family.

I'd welcome any thoughts or opinion about my situation if any of you think that I shouldn't have done what I've done. Help me become a better person. Help me to learn from my mistakes. Help me to live a peaceful and happy life.

Sorry, I just had to make a stupid joke.