Goodbye 2014

Lame title, I know..

It's been a boring year. Yeah, I'm complaining again, I know. A friend phrased how she's doing as "Could have been better, but I'm thankful", which is one perfect way to describe it, I guess. 

Two years ago I was sitting alone in my living room back in Akasia, alone, because all of my housemates were already asleep. I welcomed my new year by writing down some new year resolutions. I still vividly remember that day, the sound of the fan, and the complete silence (no fireworks around). None of the new year resolutions were achieved. Right now I'm just here, in a small green room, had a hearty meal with (half of) my family a few hours back, and I can't say that I'm not happy.

I'm not living the dream, I'm not doing anything significant with my life, but at least this year I have everything that some people out there might be asking for.

I've grown cynical, I've felt that I'm "too righteous, too rigid to believe" this year. It's not the best year in terms of my relationship with people in general. I still struggle a lot even to get out of my house and to be seen by neighbours and family friends. It's a constant struggle but I hope it gets better soon. I'm learning to love myself, my self-image and my weaknesses, but it's a bit hard when you don't even have compassion for the people around you. At some point this year I've lost all my love for people. At some point, admittedly, I believed there's nothing bad about not making any effort to take care of people's feelings. So what if I hate. So what if I say something bad.

Love still wins though. It still wins.

However, I'm not being hopeful in building new friendships. Of course I have new friends, but it's not the thing I cling to the most now. I don't think I'll be clinging to grades too, although maybe I might be upset if my previous exam marks dwindle. Failure is definitely not my biggest fear any longer--it still is scary but it's not as bad as some other things. Another friend told me that "our past shortcomings can come back to haunt our thoughts and emotions." He's speaking the truth, because right now I can talk about it as if it didn't almost kill me, but in a few days I know it's going to haunt me again in a way or another. It's a constant battle, and I'm okay with that, I guess.

There's nothing much I dream to achieve this year. No more "flying", no more big stuffs. Having a terrible cough for weeks makes me realise that good health is one of the things that matter most. Family is too, because having only one day to reunite with all of my family members makes me think of how unappreciative we could be. 

On a happier note, I'm saving up for a violin and if I could still keep the same amount of interest that I'm having since early this year, I'm planning to buy it by March. I could save up for a smartphone instead but having a crappy old phone that lags is an okay thing to live with, since I don't really care about phones anyway. 

I guess that's all I have to say. It's not an important, philosophical post. It's just something that I would love to reread and cringe at next year, I guess. Happy new year, and honestly I'm too scared to hope for anything good in the future, but I hope next year won't be too bad for you and me.

Thanks for sticking with me even after all that had happened, even after I cursed like shit. I'll try to be a better version of myself, not for you to like me, but for me to like myself and not feel inadequate when seeing any of you guys next time. I have no idea on who's reading (I ditched the tracker thingy about a year ago!) so yeah, you're counted, if you've read this final paragraph.