A few weeks ago I was on Reddit, browsing through a thread that asked a simple question, "How are you?"
It amazes me that so many people around the world are feeling the same things at the same time.
Loneliness. Feeling comfortably numb. Depressed. Hopeless. Giving up. Holding on.
If I had to choose a superpower, I'd most probably pick the ability to save these aching souls.
I know that everyone is fighting a battle that not everyone knows about. I know that while I'm rolling on the floor crying (yes, pathetic), someone out there might be doing the same, and that comforts me so much. I haven't felt this way for so long. It's scary that some feelings and some voices can reappear. Sigh. No one ever said life is easy anyway.
That night after reading through the Reddit thread, I thought of becoming a social worker. I thought of how weird it is that in this world, emotional pain can come in varying degrees. It also amuses me that some people can hold on for so long even after going through great pain, while some people get only a fraction of that pain but already feel like giving up.
But of course when I was ROFC, it's all about me. It's all about how bad I feel about myself. Sometimes I wonder what is the most effective way to transfer all of these negative thoughts and convert it into something beneficial to the society. Maybe only through this way I can be positive that I'll be able to live the rest of my life without getting back those scary thoughts. I call it scary because I thought they'd never come back. I was so so wrong.
I wish no one would ever have to feel the pain of living. But then who am I to ask for such a big wish. If you're feeling like crap today, hang on in there man, you're not alone.
Hey world. I went back to school today. First day after the relaxing two-week break. It was so hard to force myself to sleep last night. And so hard to get out of bed. The skies were covered with dark clouds. It was so cold. I like it when it's cold, but today I hate the fact that it was baju kurung day and I didn't bring my emo hoodie.
I'm making this blog post because of something one of my classmates said to me in the morning during the first lesson.
My college CF needs a guitarist.
In fact, it really really needs a guitarist. Not a second or third backup guitarist.
I don't know what to say. In fact, this makes me nervous. It also gives me that deja vu. And reminds me back of so many things I try not to remember.
First of all, you'd notice I started cursing on my blog not long ago.
I went from that kid who said oh my goodness (I never liked people who used too much of Oh My God) to this person who doesn't care a bit about using the latter, added with some derogatory and obscene terms that I personally think adds colour in a conversation. I never say them out loud verbally, but what's the difference anyway when I type them out. They're still the products of my thoughts.
Back to the CF issue.
Man, I don't know. My heart screams for this opportunity, deep deep down. I was so tempted to say yes right away...but I don't know what's holding me back.
Oh wait, I know what's holding me back.
And that makes me sad. Or sadmad, like what the Boov named Oh said in that movie Home that my nephew keeps on watching.
Last night for the first time in gazillion years I listened to a worship song on YouTube. You know..purely coincidental stuff..saw a Facebook friend sharing this song by MercyMe and I thought hey, this looks like a good song and kaboom I went from song to song.
This is really hard to say out to the real world. Really personal faith matter, I know. But I don't care. I want some people to know, whoever you are. Part of me is so tired of faking my way through all the stuffs. I curse like shit with one of my close friends on Facebook chat. I often skip church for no reason at all, really. Part of it is laziness. I haven't played a worship song for so long on my guitar. You know that blue file I used to carry around in Intec, filled with lyrics and chords and stuffs? It's buried among so many other files and I dread every moment when I feel like opening it. I cringe at those moments when I was so active in CFs and stuffs. Whenever I feel like crying after accidentally listening to a worship song, I'll act macho and tell myself it's stupid to cry. I, of course, know where this all rooted from.
I'm over it, really. I'm over all the shit I went through and I accept the fact that hey, God knows what He's doing, whatever He's doing. I still believe there is a God. I'm not rejecting the idea completely. I'm okay with holier-than-thou people already. Everything seemed OK after I cared less about things. Suddenly, religious matters, which used to give me unnecessary stress, now no longer gives me the same effect. I am a lot calmer now. Which is weird.
Last time, when I was so deep into religious matters, it gave me so much stress which I could not fathom. I remember standing in that Akasian bathroom in front of the massive mirror almost every morning (and every night when I brush my teeth) thinking that if God really loved me and wanted me to become a good Christian and the whole idea of this faith is to submit myself to Him then why am I doing this every morning, contemplating about life and serving and making time for myself and feeling so tired and stress of it all. Suddenly, religion seemed to give me the opposite thing than the idea of calmness.
Which is what I'm afraid of now.
It has been two full years of removing faith and religion from the stress region of my brain. I seldom worried about anything at all that has something to do with God and church. And keeping it that way makes me love this idea of religion more.
I'm not sure whether I am ready to get back into the serving scene. Being in a worship team. Attending CF gatherings and giving commitments. I want to, but I'm afraid I don't deserve such a good position. With all the curses and stuffs that came out of my brain..with all the mindset I still feel like keeping.
I'm not even sure if I need to ask anyone's opinion. I want to say yes. That's an honest answer from me. After all of the reasons to say no as stated above, I'm going to add on why I feel like saying yes.
I want to finish what I started. There's a certain inexplicable hurt and loss that I felt after not making it, being that only one who didn't make it out of the other 13 committee members of Campus Alive. I admit it has something to do with my ego and pride. I never felt that I finished well compared to the rest of the people who went to CA and served in the committee and worship team.
What if this is one of the reasons I ended up here? Christians often say we don't end up in a certain place because of pure coincidence. We have a contribution to make. And today's timing seems so perfect after that MercyMe song I heard last night. But then am I fooling myself by believing in this as a sign?
If not me, then who else? If I say no, will everything still be alright? Why am I allowing this CF to worship without a guitar when the truth is I have something to give? It's like ignoring that woman on the bus and refusing to give my seat to her.
The other reasons are based on pure selfishness. I want to get involved in something in college. I want to clear off my tarnished reputation among some tutors. I want to feel a sense of achievement, maybe.
Back to saying no, well, what's telling me to say no is pure fear.
I don't want my grades to dwindle. I keep on repeating that I am no longer afraid of failure, but the truth is I am not ready to trade my grades with something that I am never burdened with before this. Saying yes would mean giving a commitment. Saying yes would mean sacrifices are to be made. Saying yes could mean history may repeat itself. What if I flunk like in Intec, and what that will make me bitter about CFs and Christians and Church? I am not ready to feel this once again.
My parents will also worry, I guess. Why would I want to serve in a CF when I'm the laziest to wake up every Sunday? Why would I want to join CF again when it's me who debated the whole idea of God and church with my mum not long ago? What is this crazy kid up to this time? Isn't it better that I just sit in my room and read my Bible and focus on going to church every Sunday without having the need to show the world that I am a holy Christian young adult who actively serves in a worship team for CF? What have I done to the people around me for two years? I ditched all the idea of CR and being kind to others. Why would I want to walk along the road that I've left? Why would I want to risk another failure?
In the end, it all becomes almost Pavlovian. I hear the word CF and worship and guitars and I quickly associate it with a period when I suck so badly in life. And that prevents me from saying yes. I don't want to live like in those days, constantly wishing I was dead instead of feeling all the stupid pain I wasn't ready to handle.
I've been thinking of this all evening. In fact, I've been thinking of this for quite a long time, about giving back my guitaring passion to something that can please God and help others. I thought of playing for the Christmas carol team in my church, maybe I should start this year because I've been dreaming of it since I was 13. But I barely make it to church these days. In the end I just drop the whole idea. It's the same for today. One second I am convinced to say yes. Another second I freak out and say eff it all, I'm comfortable this way.
I really should pray about it, eh?
Not even sure whether Pavlov's Theory actually
fits in this whole thing but I'm laughing wayyy
too hard at this. And the spontaneous usage of the
word 'Pavlovian'. Heck I love my emo brain.
I promised to be back here so I guess tonight I might as well just let the world know what I'm up to.
July seems like a good month so far because I've just discovered that the human body can do remarkable things. Before you start thinking of some weird stuffs please let me clarify lol that I am talking about the ability to learn certain things and get the hang of it after some time. I'm not saying that we can turn skilful immediately but it just amazes me that some proper teaching can actually assist a process of learning new skills.
If this is true and can be applied in other areas of knowledge and skills, wouldn't it be magnificent that we can all actually play cello, or speak Spanish, or read Korean, or draw portraits, or become a better ice-skater? And of course the list can go on and on.
So a few days after I learnt how to swim, I began my driving lessons with an instructor named Mr. Sim. Mr. Sim owns two pairs of spectacles, one that tints itself into a very blue shade when it's sunny, and another one that has not much special thing to talk about. He smokes Dunhill. On my second lesson he greeted me with something in between hello and bello which I did not answer to because I was dumbstruck by the possibility of having a real life minion greeting. His ringtone is a the chipmunk's version of Flo Rida's song Low which shocked me so much. Why am I talking about all these? No reasons actually. I just want to apply what I've read in award-winning fictions. The persona always observes insignificant things. This amazes me.
So far it has been a pleasant learning experience. I can drive, but I still make mistakes, so I won't say I can drive properly. In fact, I am still scared of the real test day. This morning, I almost scraped the car while doing some zigzag turns at the place where I practised. Mr. Sim says my moves are exaggerated, which is so true in many other things I do apart from turning the steering wheel. My list of exaggerated moves include impressing my sister by imitating Kwang-soo's dance moves, crossing the road (I'd normally run when approaching the other side), playing the guitar (I secretly set a mindset that I'm actually performing in front of others), reacting towards disaster (I'll always think that the problem is bigger than it really is) and as usual, the list can go on and on.
Apart from that, I've discovered that my left leg and foot are rebellious and normally won't listen to my brain.
Other things are fine, except for one tiny bit of scene that could fit into a low-budget comedy show this morning when I dropped my hands in frustration (another exaggerated move) on the steering wheel after failing to do something (which I now have forgotten).
You should see how both of my hands accidentally dropped on the signal light handle andddd windscreen wiper handle. You should see how my instructor cringed and said I could've scratched the windscreen. Me? I cringed, and then I laughed.
The perfectionist inside of me wouldn't have laughed when making mistakes while learning but lately I find myself laughing at every mistake. And the more I laugh, the more I seem to learn. I might as well write a self-help book about how much you can achieve by laughing at your mistakes.
That's all for the driving story. Unless you want me to also add on some insignificant things like how on the first or second lesson, I failed to follow some instructions because my brain was so confused. So it went like this-
First/Second Lesson
"Don't do anything unless I tell you to do so! Follow my instructions! *exasperated tone*
Fourth Lesson
"Don't wait until I give instructions!" *another exasperated tone*
Despite all this, despite all of the exasperated tones, everything else is good. When I laugh, my instructor laughs and makes silly jokes which I approve, according to my standard of lameness. He's so chill. I like teachers who are so chill, hence this special blog entry which is 70% about the teacher and only 30% about the driving experience itself.
I am also amazed that I am not as socially awkward as I think I am. Proof number 1 is that in the absence of other people, I can actually hold up a conversation with an adult man. This amazes me (so much actually, till the point that I remember I once did a silly quiz online and it said that my mental age is 46 ugh thanks). We talked about the coming Kuching Foodfest, my old school, why did I wait until I am 22 to start learning how to drive, the recent Low Yat Plaza incident, weird (but clean, don't worry) jokes, how my sister was a fast learner when she learned how to drive with him 4 years ago (I feel pressured), and I am actually amazed that he remembers my sister's name despite omitting the last syllable of her name, making it a guy's name instead.
You see another thing that makes me ponder about life is that our teachers aren't just the ones who teach us ABCs or the IUPAC nomenclature in Organic Chemistry or annoying Maths formulas. Some of them are our friends who teach us how to swim and dance and be chill, or normal guys on YouTube who in real life are factory workers but make guitar tutorial videos for free, or driving instructors who may sound exasperated at times but laugh together at your mistakes, or most important of all, parents who taught us how to poop and pee in a civilised manner, for lack of a better word.
In fact, it's funny how easy it is to detect a good teacher but it's so hard to become one. Like seriously now I'm worried after seeing how mad the level of patience a 'real teacher' portrays. I suddenly realise that being adult means you need a mad level of patience so you can earn more money or live a better life or positively impact a person's life through your actions. And what is the ultimate goal of a life-long learning process of acquiring patience? I don't know, son. Maybe patience is the only way we all can live a bearable life together on earth as human beings.
Relax, this isn't going to be a post that makes sense.
So I was feeling bored and (unfortunately) too lazy to read or play guitar. My mind suddenly remembered about some music files on my laptop that were left unorganised for months. I decided to waste a little bit of time to add their cover arts and details because...I don't know. They look good with all those things. My sister disagrees with me and thinks it's a freakish thing to do.
I have 1672 songs in this file and there are millions more to be renamed, filled with details, and added with cover art. This is definitely not a thing worth doing, I know.
Some songs in the file.
Then I stumbled across a playlist shuffle game and thought that it's cool, so I kind of thought if I can waste and hour I can certainly waste another more. These were the results:
1) IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY:
Sky Diver (Owl City) -nothing will ever make sense in this blog post.
2) WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Before the Worst (The Script) -hah!
3) WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?
Incomplete (Backstreet Boys) -noooo!
4) HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
First of the Gang to Die (Morrissey) -dangggg.
5) WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Rivers (Passenger & Lior) -to flow like a river? eh?
6) WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Mary (The Maccabees) -that's actually a pretty good motto LOL.
7) WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Time of the Season (The Zombies) -man that's sad.
8) WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Headlights in Dark Roads (Snow Patrol) -that went emo.
9) WHAT IS 2+2?
A Lonely September (Plain White T's)
10) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Slumville Sunrise (Jake Bugg)
11) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Why Do I Love You (Westlife) -WHY, WHYYY?!
12) WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Love Isn't Easy (But It Sure Is Hard Enough) (ABBA) -hahahahhahaha
13) WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Carry On (Fun.) -"when I grow up, I want to carry on."
14) WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Bruises (Train & Ashley Monroe) -yayyyy.
15) WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Where We Land (Ed Sheeran) -I don't get it.
16) WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
The Last Song Ever (Secondhand Serenade) -so depressing.
17) WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
The Story of Us (Taylor Swift) -wow that's a very upbeat song to play at a funeral LOL.
18) WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Cold Coffee (Ed Sheeran) -kinda true? :O
19) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
I Do (Colbie Caillat) -that suddenly went Derp..
20) WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
I Lay My Love on You (Westlife) -ok I'll remember not to lay my love on anyone.
21) HOW WILL YOU DIE?
I See Fire (Ed Sheeran) -Okayyyy..this is scary.
22) WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Surrender (Simple Plan) -uhuk uhuk.
23) WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Distance (Secondhand Serenade) -LOL wrong song wrong question.
24) WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Next to You (Chris Brown & Justin Bieber) -hahahhahaa tears of happiness.
25) WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Easy to Love You (Shayne Ward) -so is it a yes or a no?
26) WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Sunday Afternoon (Rascal Flatts) -hahahhaha I don't know if this makes sense.
27) DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
Am I the Only One (Marc Anthony) -am I the only one who likes myself hahahahhaa.
28) IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own (U2) -uhuk uhukkk.
29) WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Another One Bites the Dust (Queen)
30) WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Paint Your Wings (All Time Low)
You know what I hate most about blogging? It makes me think of things until I feel like I must type them out. And all of those things give me a lump in my throat all the time, and I remember about people and places that I've left behind. I end up listening to songs that mark a certain period in my life, and it forces me to reread old blog entries that make me want to cry all the time.
Now that I've typed those things out, I've finally realised why I didn't want to return here.
But then I am confident with myself--that I will never feel any regret of the past despite this lump in my throat that is still there the moment I'm typing this.
This afternoon my tutor in college told us a story about her experience of teaching in a school. She had a very disruptive student, and one day, tired of being patient with this student's behaviour, my tutor scolded him in front of others.
For a few days the kid (a teen) fell silent in class and soon afterwards he approached my tutor and asked her why was she so mad of him. She later found out that he had dyslexia.
I will end the story here, but before that I'd say that the ending went pretty well.
I don't know why did the story touch me in a weird way. I ended up almost crying. And that sounds dramatic but that's the truth.
My tutor then told us the right things to do if we end up as educators one day.
All of a sudden I have a mad level of respect towards those who contributed to part of the confidence that I possess now. It's not that before this I didn't feel this way at all, but all of a sudden, today, flashbacks keep on playing in my mind like crazy. It is as if there's this part of my brain that laid dormant all these while and now it's being activated again. To put it in more accurate words, I've been actually suppressing this every time it tried to emerge in the past few months.
Likewise, all of a sudden, I begin to see those who did it wrong. Those who broke a student's spirit. Those who planted seeds of discouragement. And all of a sudden I marvel at the complexity of the art of teaching and learning.
I marvel at the human emotions involved in it. I begin to see how great it is if every educator realised that he or she can change a student's life.
And in the end, I think of my days in Intec. I think of the days I was the opposite of disruptive--but it was as if I had dyslexia too. Suddenly all of these things become real stuff, you see. Suddenly it all made sense. It all made sense that I was actually trying very hard to seek help silently. It all made sense that no wonder after all that had happened, a friend told me she kind of knew I wouldn't make it. I was mad with this friend for a long time after that. But now, it all made sense. I now understand most of the things that had happened, and all of the mad emotions I had, and not to forget, that mad amount of respect towards a few people who just like this tutor I'm taking about, actually knew what were the right things to do.
I guess a little bit of nostalgia won't kill. If it's nostalgia that gives us the understanding of the past, then I guess there are a lot more things I need to look back on and write about, because sometimes the demons are not pleased when we leave them hovering.
They need to be killed. They need to be killed with fingers dancing gracefully on alphabets to the music of nostalgia.
This July marks the 10th year I've been guitaring.
It's such a big number that I admit I've never imagined about. The younger me thought that at this age I'd probably have a boyfriend and act girly enough to stop playing guitar. Of course, 10 years ago I haven't known Taylor Swift yet.
And of course, 10 years ago when my neighbour's kid who was 4 or 5 told me how guitars are only for boys and I shouldn't play guitar since I am a girl (Kids are audio recorders. Be careful, adults. Don't gossip about your neighbour's kid in front of your own kid), I felt like I wasn't a true girl. I am a disgrace for playing guitar that automatically makes me a tomboy.
I no longer care about that now. In fact, my heart screams in your face!, look at Taytay and all the lady guitarists who are capable of being women and being guitarists at the same time lol.
Anyway I don't want to make this a negative post.
Tonight, I'd like to recall the timeline from when I first wanted a guitar, up until now where I find myself wanting more guitars because let's face it, guitars are cool objects.
I will now bring you to a 10 year journey all summarised into one lame post.
2004
Picture me at eleven years old. Hardcore fan of sappy Thai dramas with sappy OSTs. Wanted to play these OSTs so badly on the guitar. Some classmates were already guitarists. One boy named Jefferson can play guitar pretty well. My other neighbour plays the guitar. His two sons also often play acoustic guitars outside and I can always hear them playing and singing.
To summarise: 2004 - Wanted a guitar so badly.
2005
I still wanted a guitar. My dad made his usual promises, setting terms and conditions, saying I can get one after UPSR if I score straight As. I knew my dad would break his promise as usual.
In July my uncle, who is my mum's youngest brother, aged 23 years old at that time, a young navy back for the holidays, stayed at our home. Our daily activity: Ride my dad's motorcycle to the nearby shop to buy ice creams. He was young and impulsive with money. I was young and opportunistic, for lack of a better word. I showed him all of the guitars hanging above us in the shop. It was all gestures with very little words involved. He simply answered, "ambi lah". Choose one. Take one.
I sat at the back of the motorcycle with a black RM 80 Kapok guitar in my hands.
Yan, my neighbour's son, an adolescent at that time, helped me to tune it. My mum helped me to ask him. I was too shy to ask for help.
My sister borrowed a chord book from her friend. I asked my dad to buy one for myself.
I had some sifus after that:
Uncle Bat, full name Robert, university student at that time. My mum's cousin. Played a lot of Malay songs. Taught me Man Bai's Kau Ilhamku, which would be my first official song to learn on the guitar. He also wrote chords in my book of lyrics. I learned C, Am, F, G. Nothing else. Uncle Bat stayed only for a few days. I didn't get to learn much from him.
Linda, my sister's friend who came from KL for the holidays. Probably stayed for a week or two, but taught me that girls can play guitar pretty well just like boys. Wrote some partial chords for partial songs. I was particularly amazed with her ability to play the intro of Wake Me Up When September Ends. She was the biggest earliest influence I had.
By the end of the year, I could strum and play some basic chords. I remember not having any real struggles with strumming--it was as if it came naturally to me, although I don't have any evidence to back up this statement. Part of it was because nobody corrected what I was doing. I was probably doing everything with the impression that I did it right. The hardest thing was pressing certain strings. I hated F, Dm, D the most. I learnt nothing else that year.
To summarise: 2005 - Got my first guitar. Got some sifus. Learnt basic chords.
2006
Nothing much happened. Played basic chords as usual. Played a lot while waiting for the school bus to fetch me. I remember vividly how I played while sitting at the front door before leaving home for school. I loved my guitar so much even after a year. I still wiped it with wet tissue every single day and when I got bullied in school I remember letting my tears drop on its body hahahha like the song Teardrops on My Guitar.
To summarise: 2006 - It was a whole year of nothingness, but all of those repetition became fundamental practices that I subconsciously did. Years later, I realised how important these earlier practices are.
2007
Still nothing much. Joined ISCF in school, which opened a new perspective about how guitars can be used in worship. Still didn't understand much about chords and stuffs. Heard more and more of my next door neighbour's jam sessions.
To summarise: 2007 - Boring progress.
2008
I photocopied a lyric and chord book of Indonesian worship songs from a classmate. This was one of the books that built my confidence to play better.
I finally had access to the internet at home in October. This opened my eyes to the various possibilities I could do with my guitar. I discovered tutorial videos that I never fully understood. I saw Sungha Jung's videos for the first time in my life. I learnt that there's this stuff called barre chords and they're not easy. I also learnt that the neck of a guitar is full of wonders. You can go up and down the frets and get different notes. It was a massive revelation that I never thought of before. No one spoke about music theory to me in relation to the guitar. YouTube, together with some helpful websites gave me so much wonderful discoveries.
I finally learnt how to tune my guitar. It was very shocking to see how out of tune it was. I wasn't supposed to feel shocked at all. The last time it was tuned properly was when Yan tuned it back in 2005. I felt stupid and smart at the same moment.
To summarise: 2008 - Learnt barre chords. Internet does wonders in your life. Realised my guitar had never been tuned for two years.
2009
The best year. The year that became my turning point in guitaring. My grades dwindled, but I was too happy discovering new things to learn on the guitar. I could do barre chords already. I printed out so many lyrics of Thai songs and searched for their chords, to the extent that in the end I had three full files of these sheets.
I discovered that I needed a new guitar to improve faster. Playing a Kapok had been a pleasant experience, but the string height made it almost impossible to further develop my techniques. Playing barre chords were never pleasant. In November, after waiting patiently for so long, I bought a better guitar. China-made but better. In fact, it was the best guitar I ever played at that age.
To summarise: 2009 - Practised a lot. Got better. Bought new guitar. Knew how to solo a bit. Probably learnt to do hammer ons and pull offs.
2010
Still played a lot. Made a lot of Thai song covers on YouTube. I never deleted them, but kept them private after I left that hobby. I will try to publish one here later.
The new guitar helped me tremendously. Somewhere in the middle of the year, I wrote my first song called Thank You for the Day. I brought my guitar twice to school to serve in ISCF. Then...I realised I still had a lot to learn. I couldn't understand the function of a capo. I didn't know songs were transposed to suit the vocal range of a singer. I didn't know how to transpose at all.
I also wanted an electric guitar so badly at this age.
To summarise: 2010 - It was still a slow progress. Didn't understand about the use of capo and transposing.
2011
Almost convinced that I'll never play guitar again in my life. Thought that I'd probably get fed up of playing. Little did I know CA had its doors opened for me. Seniors had guitars. I was away from my own guitar, but I wasn't away from guitaring.
To summarise: 2011 - CA gave me a wonderful first time experience of playing in a worship team.
2012
Played more in CA through serving in the worship team. Another important point in my guitaring journey. Built more confidence. Fully understood transposing, thanks to Pastor Joash. Learnt so many things from him and the other team members, like other strumming techniques. At this point I knew that guitar was part of my identity and will continue to be in years to come. I then tried to play a fingerstyle arrangement of As the Deer during sem break. I did pretty okay, but never recorded it. However, please feel shocked that I could never do fingerpicking on my guitar at this stage. It was unbelievable that the only thing I was confident about was strumming.
To summarise: 2012 - Fully understood transposing. No longer shy of playing guitar in front of others. Understood chords like D/F#. Attempted fingerstyle again. Learnt various strumming techniques. Learnt palm muting perhaps.
2013
Interest started to incline towards fingerstyle guitar.
2014
Discovered more budding fingerstyle guitarists on YouTube. Figured out that I should learn. Procrastinated a bit. Finally felt confident about fingerpicking after learning from Passenger and Simon and Garfunkel.
To summarise: 2014 - Focussed on fingerstyle and fingerpicking. Yayyy.
2015
Can call myself a guitarist with ten years of experience but I am still lousy in many things. I no longer have the desire to own an electric guitar. I want to become a better acoustic guitar player day by day, by mastering many techniques. I see Tommy Emmanuel as one of the guitar idols that I'd love to shake hands with (I had heard of Tommy Emmanuel for years, but never bothered to check him out).
To summarise: 2015 - It's still a long long journey to travel along...
Things I still cannot do on the guitar:
Scales. I don't understand the theory of scales. I can't play scales correctly. I wish I could. I'm still learning.
Arrange my own fingerstyle arrangement. I understand how an arrangement is done, but I can't make my own arrangements yet.
Play blues. Man, it would be awesome if I could play some blues on the guitar.
Play jazz. Jazz guitar is super cool. But I don't understand a single thing about it.
Play percussive fingerstyle. This technique is one of the things I really really want to learn with all my heart and all my soul but I just have too many hobbies and life responsibilities so I'm taking it slowly.
Sight reading. Nope.
Wrist thump on the body of the guitar, nail attacks, various fancy fingerstyle techniques.
Play harmonics properly. This is supposed to be something so easy. But I just can't seem to improve.
Strum some songs properly. Cindy Chai, if you're reading this. Trust me just a few months ago I was left frustrated for not being able to strum and sing along to a song. I am not so teror after all. I hate you Jake Bugg for writing a very hard song to strum to while attempting to sing.
Play fancy chords. Nope nope. I can play basic chords and barre chords but please don't give me dimished 9 or 5 or whatever chords you want to test me with.
I cannot just play a song you mention. In other words if you ask me to play one of Taylor Swift's songs I could probably guess its going to have like 4 chords but I can't play it without referring to ultimate-guitar dot com. Pro tip: The Script's songs are always G D Em C with capo somewhere on the second third or fourth fret heuheuheu. Of course I'm partly kidding.
I can't play classy classical music nope nope.
I can't play tap guitar.
I can't do all those fancy loops like Ed Sheeran always does in his gigs. I love Ed for his strumming and rawness of acoustic guitar sounds as well. I can't play like Ed.
I can't change my guitar strings without breaking any strings in the process. I am terrible with this thing.
Well there you have it. I have like 10000 things to be learnt on the acoustic guitar. And I can't imagine I've only learnt this little in 10 years. Most guitarists progress so well in such little time period but bear in mind that some only get to improve at a slower rate because the lack of resources and companionship in learning.
Look at how long it took me to understand about transposing. And barre chords. In the end it doesn't matter how long it took you to understand or accomplish something. What matters most is that as you look back you're going to be impressed on how the difficult things turn easy after days, weeks, months and years.
I always wanted to learn guitar properly, like take proper classical guitar lessons to fully understand the theory of music, but I am the only one in my family who has this interest in guitar so it's hard to convince my dad that this is worth his money haha. For some reason, I'd like to think that it was my guitar that found its way to me, and not the other way round. I just hope that this passion will never die, and hopefully I'll get to see another 10 years of guitaring.
To those who have just started their journey, remember to have fun, because it's supposed to be fun lol. Anything fun is easy. My guitar taught me that any skills can be learnt. It's only the time that limits us from believing that we are capable of doing something.
This is the Jake Bugg song that caused me to question my strumming skills hahahaha.
Here, have an awful video of me singing and playing guitar back then.
I messed up with the settings so the published date is wrong. This one was
recorded around 2009. NSFL. This is going to leave you laughing as I cringe in embarrassment.
I decided to bring back my old blog layout/background image as my mind suddenly noticed some sort of symbolism in my action.
Maybe I'm going to get back to blogging regularly just like what I've done in the past.
And then I laugh at my own absurdity, because then I realised my blog had been naked and white for at least two or three years, and that doesn't suppose to mean anything, because back in those days the life-changing day hadn't happened yet and I was still an active blogger. Get it? No? Me neither.
Not long ago I had a conversation with a friend about blogging and journaling and how stable my emotions were when I totally ditched those two hobbies. But then after coming back to this blog a few days ago, I found myself laughing at my old posts, pondering about the ridiculousness of my grammar and phony blog entries, and it all reminded me of the hours I wasted by trying to figure out the right words to type out for the world to see. And then I stumbled across a page that I turned into a draft, hidden somewhere in my long list of other drafts.
It was something I called 'My Life List' which I used to place on the top menu, but I hid it after much embarrassment that at the age of 20 half of the things I wrote there were unachievable.
Little did I know that only two years later, despite the inability to fulfil those goals I ached for, I actually did achieve one or two other things that I've totally forgotten about. The best part was that I've totally forgotten about the list itself after more than one year of not exploring that hidden side of my blog.
Among the things I've listed in that post:
1. Get a driving license (I am already in the process of getting one).
2. Achieve rank 100 in Tetris Battle (I did that a long time ago but never realised about it).
3. Learn how to play violin (I consider this done since I've technically started to learn).
4. Learn how to play ukulele (I can already play G D Em C so I'd say I've achieved this goal).
5. Learn how to swim (Did this just four days ago).
What am I trying to say? I don't know. I suddenly remember one quote from Mike Rosenberg who said as you let go of all the shit you're expecting, some things can just happen without even you realising about it. That sad and sullen day when I updated my life list, I was already convinced that I'll never learn how to swim or play the violin or climb Mount Kinabalu. Now that I've seen these five silly little goals fulfilled, I am actually quite optimistic about life already. Maybe it's not impossible that one day I'll get to jam on a rooftop, or sit at the back of an elephant, or play golf, or learn karate, or climb a water tank.
Without all the things that I've blogged in the past it would be such a waste to not see how incredible that those stupid depressing days have been long gone. I'm not trying to say that life is all sunshine and rainbows now, but hey, sometimes I can't believe I made it alive.
For that very same reason I'm happy that my friend asked me to blog again. Maybe it really is a good idea. Maybe I'll come back here more frequently. Maybe I wasn't supposed to leave my blog so empty in the past few months. Maybe some stories are supposed to be shared after all.
A few days before the first of July, I was contacted by Nia who asked me whether I was going to be free on that date.
Several vague plans were made--bring extra clothes, we'll be out for the whole day, maybe I should bring my ukulele, we'll be meeting up at the hotel where Kezia's staying, but the most exciting thing I had in mind was YIPPEEE WE'RE GOING TO SWIM IN THE HOTEL POOL!! And of course YIPPEEE I'LL BE GOING OUT TO WHO-KNOWS-WHERE WITH KEZIA AND NIA (or kezinia, pssst don't forget the hashtag).
I half prayed half hoped that nothing will suddenly come up on that date, like replacement classes or important college stuff and luckily, thankfully, I was really going to be free.
As I woke up that morning and was prepared to bathe, my nephew didn't want to come out of the bathroom. I was delayed from my bathing schedule for 10 minutes as he yelled NANA DON'T SCHOOL. I was already nervous that I might be late, plus the fact that Kezia kept on calling me.
Fast forward to the moment I arrived near the hotel, and I called Kezia but she said she was somewhere else. Getting directions from Nia, I slowly gave my sister some instructions to drive to the place, Kezia had to walk a few metres to fetch me because my sister drove past the junction and she was lazy to make a turn.
I followed Kezia to the familiar place where Cindy used to bring me, Sharon, Amuza, and Nia to back in summer 2013. I told Kezia about this as memories kept flooding into my brain. Little did I know some new surprises were waiting for me...
There was an extra drink on the table and three empty seats. One was between Nia and Kezia, while the other two was next to each other at the opposite side.
What surprised me was that when I wanted to sit at the empty spot, Nia quickly suggested that I should sit at one of the seats where I suspected Kezia's parents were sitting at. That moment my Sherlock instincts nudged me. Why are Kezia's parents not sitting next to other? But then I obliged, because Kezia said only her mum came along.
I patiently waited for Kezia's mum to appear as I felt a touch on my shoulder with a BAHH sound. First thing that played in my mind: EH KEZIA'S MUM IS SO FRIENDLY WITH ME? (I know her mum is friendly...but not in this way). The moment I saw Cindy's face, I knew I have fallen into a trap once again. Why am I so clueless all the time?
So we went into the car after a while and I was still clueless, asking them where were we heading to next and nobody answered me. Kezia said we're going to some coffee place or something and I was like hmm no we're not, but not after playing around with her camera, singing some random Westlife lyrics, and finally noticing we're heading to no where else but the beach. But I didn't want to keep my hopes too high, because as I laughed and told them we were going to the beach, everyone was acting macho and being serious and not entertaining me as if I was being syok sendiri. Thanks guys.
We had a family style lunch and took some pictures using Kezia's camera because it's so cool and I really miss that feeling of familiarity of lame jokes. Cindy however wasn't so talkative like last time and it took a while to korek her out from her wise and meditative shell (sorry I don't know how weird it is to see such a rowdy loud and crazy person turn into someone who is silent and observing and distant and wise-looking and sopan santun). Kezia was forever lame and Nia was still high-pitched. Nothing peculiar much about those two.
The gila-gila moment started when we reached Permai Rainforest Resort and changed our clothes before we submerged ourselves in the jungle pool. It was so cold and although the weather was very sunny, the place was shady enough to chill around. There were not many people around but I suspected that we were the loudest (obviously)...and now that I think of it, we might have annoyed the other guests with out laughters and random singing. Cindy brought her guitar and we sang some songs halfway before we all decided to just play in the pool like little kids. We talked and talked and shared jokes that I can't recall, but I can say that I haven't been laughing out loud so freely for so long.
A few hours late we decided to walk to the beach but it was too sunny to start swimming in the ocean. We chilled at the gazebo where we shared one loaf of bread and one can of tuna spread brought by Kezia. We talked and talked again. We talked about so many things that made me think that nothing else matters. I was there, sitting with these bunch of people again, and this was one of the things I missed the most.
When we finally decided that it's time to go to the beach, I was feeling excited but scared. The beach was wider and bigger than I thought it was, In fact, it looked MASSIVE without anyone else around. While everyone else was already in the water and seemingly so far away in the middle of the ocean, I suddenly felt so scared and hesitant. They started yelling at me and telling me the water was shallow. It was indeed shallow, but in my brain, it was too far from the shore.
I told myself I had to be brave and these people are reliable enough in case something bad happens to me. One important fact: I came into the ocean not knowing how to swim. That very same evening, I was already confident of floating and swimming. The sea isn't such a scary place after all. Thanks Cindy my swimming sifu. (It was kinda scary though when I asked "What's that?" when I saw a leaf in the water but she answered me "No, it's a jerung.") -_-''
When it was time to leave, my heart was very reluctant. It was so fun spitting out salt water. It was so fun to be around fun people. But we had to go back, and before that we took some memorable photos using Kezia's camera that decided to go low batt. My fault for playing around with it too much.
My favourite part was when we walked out of the water and
Cindy said we must've looked like some sort of boyband.
Anyway we still managed to capture some good photos before we showered and left the place. Cindy wanted to snap a sunset pic and we all followed her back to the beach bridge without being asked to lol. We then spotted two curious sea otters.
This is Cindy (not one of the sea otters) capturing a sunset pic.
Nia and Kezia enjoying the sunset.
On the way back it was already dark and the moon was very clear. Nia asked us to take a video of it and I was thinking oh why not and I was planning to record all three of them as well.
Suddenly they all started singing happy birthday and I was like ooops screw me who's birthday is it and why can't I remember a thing? I only realised what's happening when Nia handed me a packaging. The best part was that I totally didn't expect this. And I totally didn't expect what was inside. How did these people learn the art of giving and surprising? I am still baffled.
I changed my shirt in the car just like when I was little I bought a Postman Pat set of t-shirt and shorts and changed to it right away. I was that excited. I still am today.
Cindy dropped us in front of the hotel and we had dinner with Kezia's parents and Kezia's mum's friend. (Not before I almost destroyed the hotel room's door's lock mechanism.) Kezia showed some lame and epic funny videos of Kezinia Tourgether moments. We chilled at the lobby and heard some of Kezia's childhood stories from her mum.
I went back home late that night. I couldn't sleep and couldn't stop uploading the pictures on Instagram. It's been too long since I had some memorable times with a great company.
Cindy, thanks for teaching me how to swim. Thanks for driving us here and there and being like the eldest among us heuhuehuehue. I'm glad you came out of the shell that day HAHAHA. Thanks for all the pranks and surprises and gifts you never stop giving to me. I can never pay back all of your kindness haha (nervous laugh).
Nia, thanks for also becoming one of the masterminds lol. Your high-pitch jokes are funny and rare. Your hyperness is contagious. Thanks for the card and gift and the heartfelt message. I can also never pay back all of your kindness lol. Don't worry about not being able to swim yet hahahaha.
Kezia, you kaki buli but very lovable friend hahaha. Thanks for being part of all the pranks and lies. Thanks for your super HD very canggih can connect wifi camera. Thanks also for the gifts and dinner and all the dinners to come hueheuheuhe.
I hope one day I can be rich and famous and I can belanja you guys in my private jet to Vegas or somewhere ok of course I'm kidding. It was a really good day and I'm thankful that I met these people in Intec. Imagine not going to Intec HAHAH I can't imagine my super boring life without all these crazy but sincere friends. Just like what I've said, you guys gave me a new definition of summer holidays and this hometown that I didn't really like lolll. Now every place around this city marks a certain memory that I will never forget. You guys are so selfless and thoughtful people that I want to learn from all the time. You guys are gems. (Gems okay, not germs.)
"I know these will all be stories someday. And our pictures will become old photographs. We'll all become somebody's mom or dad. But right now these moments are not stories. This is happening. I am here and I am looking at her. And she is so beautiful. I can see it. This one moment when you know you're not a sad story. You are alive, and you stand up and see the lights on the buildings and everything that makes you wonder. And you're listening to that song and that drive with the people you love most in this world. And in this moment I swear, we are infinite. " --The Perks of Being a Wallflower.
Well I have been searching all of my days
All of my days
Many a road, you know
I've been walking on
All of my days
And I've been trying to find
What's been in my mind
As the days keep turning into night
Well I have been quietly standing in the shade
All of my days
Watch the sky breaking on the promise that we made
All of this rain
And I've been trying to find
What's been in my mind
As the days keep turning into night
Well many a night I found myself with no friends standing near
