Strumming My Heartstrings

What a pretentious blog entry title. Heh.

Hey world. I went back to school today. First day after the relaxing two-week break. It was so hard to force myself to sleep last night. And so hard to get out of bed. The skies were covered with dark clouds. It was so cold. I like it when it's cold, but today I hate the fact that it was baju kurung day and I didn't bring my emo hoodie.

I'm making this blog post because of something one of my classmates said to me in the morning during the first lesson.

My college CF needs a guitarist.

In fact, it really really needs a guitarist. Not a second or third backup guitarist.

I don't know what to say. In fact, this makes me nervous. It also gives me that deja vu. And reminds me back of so many things I try not to remember.

First of all, you'd notice I started cursing on my blog not long ago.

I went from that kid who said oh my goodness (I never liked people who used too much of Oh My God) to this person who doesn't care a bit about using the latter, added with some derogatory and obscene terms that I personally think adds colour in a conversation. I never say them out loud verbally, but what's the difference anyway when I type them out. They're still the products of my thoughts. 

Back to the CF issue. 

Man, I don't know. My heart screams for this opportunity, deep deep down. I was so tempted to say yes right away...but I don't know what's holding me back.

Oh wait, I know what's holding me back.

And that makes me sad. Or sadmad, like what the Boov named Oh said in that movie Home that my nephew keeps on watching.

Last night for the first time in gazillion years I listened to a worship song on YouTube. You know..purely coincidental stuff..saw a Facebook friend sharing this song by MercyMe and I thought hey, this looks like a good song and kaboom I went from song to song. 

This is really hard to say out to the real world. Really personal faith matter, I know. But I don't care. I want some people to know, whoever you are. Part of me is so tired of faking my way through all the stuffs. I curse like shit with one of my close friends on Facebook chat. I often skip church for no reason at all, really. Part of it is laziness. I haven't played a worship song for so long on my guitar. You know that blue file I used to carry around in Intec, filled with lyrics and chords and stuffs? It's buried among so many other files and I dread every moment when I feel like opening it. I cringe at those moments when I was so active in CFs and stuffs. Whenever I feel like crying after accidentally listening to a worship song, I'll act macho and tell myself it's stupid to cry. I, of course, know where this all rooted from. 

I'm over it, really. I'm over all the shit I went through and I accept the fact that hey, God knows what He's doing, whatever He's doing. I still believe there is a God. I'm not rejecting the idea completely. I'm okay with holier-than-thou people already. Everything seemed OK after I cared less about things. Suddenly, religious matters, which used to give me unnecessary stress, now no longer gives me the same effect. I am a lot calmer now. Which is weird.

Last time, when I was so deep into religious matters, it gave me so much stress which I could not fathom. I remember standing in that Akasian bathroom in front of the massive mirror almost every morning (and every night when I brush my teeth) thinking that if God really loved me and wanted me to become a good Christian and the whole idea of this faith is to submit myself to Him then why am I doing this every morning, contemplating about life and serving and making time for myself and feeling so tired and stress of it all. Suddenly, religion seemed to give me the opposite thing than the idea of calmness. 

Which is what I'm afraid of now.

It has been two full years of removing faith and religion from the stress region of my brain. I seldom worried about anything at all that has something to do with God and church. And keeping it that way makes me love this idea of religion more.

I'm not sure whether I am ready to get back into the serving scene. Being in a worship team. Attending CF gatherings and giving commitments. I want to, but I'm afraid I don't deserve such a good position. With all the curses and stuffs that came out of my brain..with all the mindset I still feel like keeping.

I'm not even sure if I need to ask anyone's opinion. I want to say yes. That's an honest answer from me. After all of the reasons to say no as stated above, I'm going to add on why I feel like saying yes.

I want to finish what I started. There's a certain inexplicable hurt and loss that I felt after not making it, being that only one who didn't make it out of the other 13 committee members of Campus Alive. I admit it has something to do with my ego and pride. I never felt that I finished well compared to the rest of the people who went to CA and served in the committee and worship team. 

What if this is one of the reasons I ended up here? Christians often say we don't end up in a certain place because of pure coincidence. We have a contribution to make. And today's timing seems so perfect after that MercyMe song I heard last night. But then am I fooling myself by believing in this as a sign?

If not me, then who else? If I say no, will everything still be alright? Why am I allowing this CF to worship without a guitar when the truth is I have something to give? It's like ignoring that woman on the bus and refusing to give my seat to her.

The other reasons are based on pure selfishness. I want to get involved in something in college. I want to clear off my tarnished reputation among some tutors. I want to feel a sense of achievement, maybe. 

Back to saying no, well, what's telling me to say no is pure fear.

I don't want my grades to dwindle. I keep on repeating that I am no longer afraid of failure, but the truth is I am not ready to trade my grades with something that I am never burdened with before this. Saying yes would mean giving a commitment. Saying yes would mean sacrifices are to be made. Saying yes could mean history may repeat itself. What if I flunk like in Intec, and what that will make me bitter about CFs and Christians and Church? I am not ready to feel this once again.

My parents will also worry, I guess. Why would I want to serve in a CF when I'm the laziest to wake up every Sunday? Why would I want to join CF again when it's me who debated the whole idea of God and church with my mum not long ago? What is this crazy kid up to this time? Isn't it better that I just sit in my room and read my Bible and focus on going to church every Sunday without having the need to show the world that I am a holy Christian young adult who actively serves in a worship team for CF? What have I done to the people around me for two years? I ditched all the idea of CR and being kind to others. Why would I want to walk along the road that I've left? Why would I want to risk another failure?

In the end, it all becomes almost Pavlovian. I hear the word CF and worship and guitars and I quickly associate it with a period when I suck so badly in life. And that prevents me from saying yes. I don't want to live like in those days, constantly wishing I was dead instead of feeling all the stupid pain I wasn't ready to handle.

I've been thinking of this all evening. In fact, I've been thinking of this for quite a long time, about giving back my guitaring passion to something that can please God and help others. I thought of playing for the Christmas carol team in my church, maybe I should start this year because I've been dreaming of it since I was 13. But I barely make it to church these days. In the end I just drop the whole idea. It's the same for today. One second I am convinced to say yes. Another second I freak out and say eff it all, I'm comfortable this way.

I really should pray about it, eh?

Not even sure whether Pavlov's Theory actually
fits in this whole thing but I'm laughing wayyy
too hard at this. And the spontaneous usage of the
word 'Pavlovian'. Heck I love my emo brain.