Yayyyyy!

This is going to be one happy post.

My journal reached its last page last night so I'm just going to write everything about today here. Plus I'm so happy and this will be a good story for me to read back in years to come hahaha.

I couldn't do anything in the past few days. Kept on thinking about JPJ test on Monday (today). I had a feeling I was going to flunk it. I always have bad feelings about stuffs. This fear was so real it haunted me for weeks, especially after I failed gloriously to park nicely after a practise session with my dad (previous post). My dad stopped teaching me after that. I was convinced that my parents were super angry with me. And I didn't have more lessons with my instructor because I pitied my dad for needing to pay extra. 

Had my last lesson yesterday afternoon. It went all well but Mr. Sim did mention something about him being scared to allow me to have my test on the next day (today). He quickly covered it up by saying I actually can do well already, except for some weird mistakes that had more to do with carelessness instead of the real inability to drive. I told myself that eff it, if I wait until I'm reallllly ready, it won't happen. Life is like that anyway. I wasn't ready for my UPSR, PMR, SPM, A-Levels, IELTS, Final Exams, and all the tests I've been afraid of. I was never ready for anything, but in the end sometimes you just have to do it and pretend that you're ready.

Things were alright until the last practise session when I had to drive along the zig zag road for the last time. I gloriously, majestically, (embarrassingly) hit the beam (they call it beam..I don't really know the real name) and if according to the real standards, this is considered a mandatory mark/you fail if you do this. There goes my confidence. I didn't know whether I'd be able to do well during the real day.

The RPK session also scared me so much. In fact, I was so scared of this I couldn't stop asking questions to my instructor. He seemed pretty chill about it and after the test I discovered why ahhaha. No one takes the session too seriously. The only way you can fail it is if you stand up there like a rock and refuse to do anything. I was perhaps the only one freaking out too much about it.

Before bedtime last night, I made my final revision lol by trying to remember everything in a car bonnet and how to turn on signals and lights and wipers. I searched for motivational songs in my walkman but felt so disappointed after realising I have more emo songs than motivational ones. Had to listen to You're the Best (Karate Kid soundtrack) over and over again because of this. Also listened to some Biffy Clyro songs that I'm really crazy about these days despite having emo lyrics. (I AM A MOUNTAINNNN I AM A SEAAA YOU CAN'T TAKE THAT AWAY FROM MEEEE) I tried to make my own interpretation of the song lol.

Woke up at 6.30am this morning because Mr. Sim promised to fetch me at 7.30am. Was more concerned about how to dry my hair without using a hairdryer. But then my sister's hairdryer happened to be downstairs and I was like REJOICE! THIS IS A GOOD SIGN THAT TODAY IS GOING TO BE A GREAT DAY AND THINGS WILL UNEXPECTEDLY HAPPEN IN A GOOD WAY WOO JUST LOOK AT THIS HAIRDRYER! Made myself bread and butter although I didn't feel like eating. I ate one and thought that was enough, then added another two because of my useful paranoid nature, scared of ending up dying in hunger and stuffs. Ended up eating the last piece in my instructor's car and only managed to swallow the bread after two miles away from home. I felt like vomiting for real. Was so nervous because I didn't talk to anybody else before that. My dad left for work before I woke up. The whole family was still asleep lol. I only had a brief chat with some friends through messenger and whatsapp.

On the way to the driving institute, as soon as I swallowed the bread I started asking more questions. Questions about RPK especially..and Mr. Sim said relax, you know how dramas are acted out? It's like acting in a drama.. So I was like uh huh okay. I was nervous, scared, sleepy and bored at the same time. When Mr. Sim suddenly hit the brakes (and covered up his blunder by asking me if I was shocked hahhaa) I was convinced that I was already fully awake and really ready to face the day. Ain't nobody's stopping me now, I told myself. Hah.

Not until Mr. Sim stopped in front of the office and left me just like that. Like an unwanted puppy left at the side of the road, like the song that goes aint no crying for your mamma cos youre all alone in the real worldddd. I thought I would at least have some company while waiting for the office to open at 8am lol. So I stood there..in a small crowd of strangers. The first girl who I smiled at smile back to me so I was like yeahhh we can handle thisss, things are goood...yeah this is going to be a good day. But I couldn't join in their conversation because I felt...alone.

A white saga appeared and it apparently dropped a boy who would be my friend of the day hahhaa. I didn't pay attention to this at first. Not until I saw Mr. Sim again, appearing from nowhere, with a boy, and he showed the boy to me, and I was like uh huh yeah I think I get what you meannn? So I gave the boy a bro nod. Or did I? I stood in silence and awkwardness as the boy stood 2 metres away from me. I didn't say hi cos I don't know how to befriend boys. He moved to throw some rubbish into the rubbish bin behind me and I avoided him. He smiled. I was like uh huhh so I should smile back? We stood in silence again. I moved one foot farther away from him.

AND THEN HE TALKED TO ME! 

Boy: So you're also Mr Sim's student?

Me: Uh huh. You're having your JPJ test too today? (Duhhh) *came out as a slur* *drank water to cover up* *repeated the same question*

He then asked my age. Age. Ageee. Ageeee. Out of so many other things T_T Since when did 22 become a number so hard to utter out?

He said "Oh I thought you're younger than me. You don't look like you're 22." I was like hmmmm is this a compliment or an insult? T_T

I later found out that he's 19. Our conversation went pretty well, especially if I look back and keep on calling myself socially awkward all these while. I asked him about his ex-school and stuffs and we found out about each other's names when we read the namelist at the notice board. People don't seem to ask each other's names when meeting someone for the first time these days. Weird.

While waiting to be briefed we had another long chat slash gossip about our instructor slash sharing session about our fears lol and I immediately felt like hey I made a new friend today! I am not so boring and weird and socially awkward anyway! My new friend Arthur told stories of him during his practise sessions with Mr. Sim and how he always got scolded and (I can't forget this part lol) how his engine died five times on the road during his last practise session. We shared many similar experiences under the same instructor and it was easy to relate to each other's story. We laughed about the many weird things our instructor scolded us about, like that phrase "use your common sense" which apparently were used quite often during his sessions too hahahhaa. And the exasperated face. And the inability to control the clutch pedal perfectly. I was so relieved that I had a friend to talk with. It made me less nervous, especially after finding out that my theory of guys can drive better than girls is a flawed theory after all lol. He was pretty much as nervous as I was.

I was the 9th candidate and Arthur the 10th, but when we walked to the litar and waited together, I was shocked to hear my name being called out to immediately do the on the road session. At this point, Arthur and I were separated lol and I never got to say goodbye or good luck to him. This was because I thought I was going to do the litar test first as instructed earlier. This actually made me have no time at all to feel nervous. Everything was happening too quickly. I entered the kancil labelled with a huge number 9. I don't even know how does my JPJ officer look like, I didn't have the time to look at his face. I did the RSM thingy, trying to act calm, and things were ok...until...I made a huge mistake hahahha. What a bad first impression. 

My mistake did not cost me anything though. Of course at this point I was convinced that I was going to fail so gloriously, even before hitting the real road. I drove away anyway, after being shouted at. (I strangely find it comedic). At the junction, the JPJ officer asked me to drive out when I hesitated to. I saw a lorry coming lol idk if it was that close but I guess it was? I'm still alive. Yeehaa. Then..reality hit me..that he didn't tell me whether I should go to Jalan A or Jalan B. I wasn't sure whether I should ask. The gear was as hard as hell, like moving a mortar and pestle. This was my first time driving a Kancil. I felt like a rat in a box. I was freaking out. And I freaked out more when he asked me to make a U-turn. He even asked me what is a U-turn (weird question made me clueless--I thought he was asking for technical steps that people need to follow before making a U-turn, so I didn't answer him, but my hands were flying everywhere to show that uh you turn on the signal and adjust your steering wheel? He was so mad and annoyed. He actually just wanted me to show using my finger which way is the way I should U-turn). I was like sorry mum dad mr sim sisters friends I am such a failure but then I remembered Mr. Sim said one of his students (I met this student too lol and heard the story live from the moment she narrated it) was told to make a U-turn and she passed! So I was like OK gotta execute this U-turn thingy well (I have never made a U-turn before this--what a revelation during an important life-or-death moment!) and JPJ officer was saying verbatim, "Relax, bawa slow slow." My brain was like booyeah we got this baybeh we're fine uh huhhh. But then the devil said Hah! It's a trap! He knows you suck! 

I tried to stay calm and drive as calm as possible though. And remembered the words of Mr. Sim like he was my Mr. Miyagi. Stay calm and all that. I did pretty well on the way back to the driving institute.

As soon as I parked, the JPJ officer folded my mark sheet as if it was a piece of love letter. Hahahha. Funny man wanted to create suspense. Mr. Sim said there's no need to be afraid of them because they are only pretending and loving the way scared candidates react. True enough when I opened the folded sheet there was a tick at the LULUS box and I was like hahaha omg this JPJ is so kind. I thanked him for the second time but he didn't answer lol.

I then immediately went for my RPK test. After observing other people, I began to convince myself that this test aint that hard. From a distance, I saw my friend Arthur waiting for his turn for the bukit test. 

I did okay for RPK. Walked to the bukit test waiting area and saw Arthur reversing his Viva, attempting a second try up the bukit. I was like go Arthur go you can do ittt! He did well.

I waited for ages for my turn. There was only one Viva at the litar. I had my lessons using a Viva because my dad's car is a Viva. We had no other options on the road because apparently there were more Kancils than Vivas available. 

I witnessed how many candidates fail before me. One forgot to wear his seatbelt. He looked so disappointed and ashamed. My turn came slowly....and it was already almost 12 noon. I was beginning to feel the heat, hunger, impatience and thirst. 

I did the bukit well. Even during my earlier practise sessions, Mr. Sim always told me my bukit skills are perfect lol. Made me feel so pandai and all that. It always meant something big to me, even when one of my tutors in uni told me how during the real test day she felt nervous and failed twice at bukit because she felt like all eyes were on her and that shattered all her previous almost perfect bukit skills. I told Mr. Sim about this once, and what he told me became words that I hold on to hahahha. Like Mr. Miyagi. He said you don't need to think about all of those people who are looking at you while waiting for their turns. You're the best and other people suck, and that's why they're waiting for their turns to be tested (harharhar!). So yeah I was like bring it onnnnnnn and true enough, I executed it excellently. But...

During practise session my bukit routine will always be like this. I climb the bukit, Mr. Sim sits at the pondok up there. And every. single. time. he will yell "Angkat tangan. Sebut nama!" and every. single. time. I will angkat tangan. And every.single. time. I was wrong to do so because before raising my hand, I am supposed to free my gear and pull my hand brake. And every.single. time Mr. Sim will tell me what's supposed to be done, that I am supposed to ignore him until I free my gear and pull my hand brake.

But...

When the JPJ asked for my name, I answered, and I DIDN'T RAISE MY HAND. He deducted one mark away from this. I shook my head while reading the score sheet and smiled to myself. This is ridiculous, I told myself.

I was supposed to contact Mr. Sim after my bukit to tell him my progress (and because he was going to send me back home) but my mind was already planning some stuffs. As I waited for my turn to drive around the litar, I thought to myself that ah, I'm going to tell him later on that I failed. You see, I was already planning to fail when I haven't even failed. And I was also planning to snap a pic with Arthur and Mr. Sim, hopefully if things turn OK for both me and Arthur. Basically, you can say that I was already celebrating. Kinda knew if I stay calm, I'm going to pass and today will be a sweeet day.

I watched more people fail. More people being yelled out for not being able to follow instructions. Pregnant lady walking under the scorching sun with such disappointment in her face. Young ladies walking with shame after being told to immediately get out of the cars. I also saw my friend Arthur from a distance. He was about to start his test on the road. I was cheering for him from afar hahha.

My turn came pretty late. I was left with no more water to drink, and a terribly tired body. I wasn't sure whether I was hungry. But I felt hunger.

The girl who used the Viva before me failed. I was like OK baby this is our turn. I stayed calm, although the Viva felt weird. Mr. Sim's Viva will always be the best Viva I've ever driven lol. I used to hit the beam along the S road. I used to find it terribly hard. I made it to the end. Stopped. Signalled.

Drove to the zig zag road. My greatest fear to be honest. My earlier lessons here was where I always heard the words "Overreact" and "kelam kabut". But strangely, at that moment, I was calm. I remembered where I hit the beam and tried to prevent it from happening. Reached the end. I did it!

Moved to box number 4 to side park. Side parking is my baby, my favourite, because nothing can go wrong if you enter the road and get your car parallel with the arrow. You can do silly mistakes here as long as you don't hit any lines or people or stuffs. Take it slowly because you got all the time in the world baybeee. Haha. I muttered all of the formulas. At this point victory seemed so near. Stay calm, I told myself. I was in the box. I raised my hands. They didn't see. I jumped in my seat, waving like a madman. I gotta end this fast, I told myself. Things went well.

The three point turning had always been my enemy. I saw a girl fail here. I always hit the sideline during practise. So I stayed calm. And stopped. And reversed. And saw that my car wasn't so straight, so I applied what Mr. Sim taught me. I applied it for the first time ever hahahhaa because before this I was too lazy to apply it and always thought that eff it, I'm just gonna hit the line. I didn't hit any lines today. It felt so good.

Stopped at the stop sign and adjusted my steering wheel. I made a recent mistake and almost hit the beam here because my tyres weren't straight. I remembered this. Because I was told to remember it yesterday. Hahhaa. Thank you, brain.

I went out of the junction. Drove calmly although my heart was jumping so wildly. I kinda said THANK YOU LORD! out loud to myself although I don't do that much these days. It shocked me lol. Parked the Viva, ran to the pondok, waited for the JPJ officer to sign my score sheet while he sang the song Fiona by 4U2C. I was panting like a dawg. He told me to calm down because I passed. He spoke so softly. I was so happy and touched hahahha I thanked him like a million times and quickly descended the stairs, skipping the last 4 steps because I was so happy and tired and excited and I don't know man, it's just a JPJ test, but dang, after all these weeks of feeling like a terrible failure, I proved to myself that I was wrong.

I searched for Arthur. He was no longer there. I called Mr. Sim and asked him whether he could send me back home. He asked how did I do. I faked a solemn voice and chuckled a fake nervous laugh that ah, I'll let you know later. I bought a drink for myself, but I couldn't stop shaking. I marched back to the office located on top of the hill, panting, half dancing, all by myself, singing a weird victory song that had trumpets and all that. I was so happy I could dance and jump on the road.

Me doing some weird dance accompanied by some
weird trumpet music.

I searched for Arthur again at the office. He wasn't there. I kinda knew already that I won't have the chance to snap a pic with him. I was still shaking while sitting down waiting. Never felt this way for a long time. Mr. Sim arrived 20 minutes later and his first question to me was whether I made it or not, and my first question to him was whether Arthur made it or not.

I told Mr. Sim that I flunked, and he asked me to show the sheet. I made up a story on how I hit the beam hahha and he almost believed me. After 30 seconds of not being able to contain my happiness, I told him I was lying. I had a good time telling him about the JPJ officer and how things went that morning. He told me that Arthur made it as well, and that guy returned my pen that he borrowed from me lol by leaving it with Mr. Sim. Such a good guy, this Arthur guy.

On the way back we talked about the whole thing and how Mr. Sim said my inability to release the clutch pedal perfectly was not as chronic as Arthur's. I wished that the three of us was in the car at that time. It would be a hell lot of fun to exchange stories and laugh at how stupid it was to be so nervous. He also told me that the reason the JPJ officer asked me about what is a U-turn was because, well, eherm, unbelievably, some people don't know what the hell is a U-turn. I was like ahaaa ohhh hmmm weirddd.

When I reached home, I asked if I could take a picture with Mr. Sim lol and snapped one wefie for old times' sake. Was disappointed that Arthur wasn't in the picture. Today's been so memorable. I don't ever want to forget this day and the people whom I've met and talked to and smiled at. Couldn't imagine what would happen if I met the wrong people along the way. 

No one was at home because they were sending my sister off to the airport. Such a grand timing. I had to postpone my prank hahaha. As soon as I opened the gate and door I entered and jumped around the house like a madman because I was still very excited. Mr. Sim told me to lie to my parents as well because he didn't want to be the only victim. I lied to my mum. And then my dad. And my sister. Strangely, no one refuted the lie. They were like "uhh? failed?" *sad face* They thought I really failed hahahhaahuuu I don't know whether it's because I'm really good at lying or because they really thought I'd flunked. Either way I still kinda enjoy replaying those reactions in my brain hahahha.

My driving lessons have come to an end. I went for these lessons for like 3 to 4 times per week when I first started learning. Then gradually took less lessons because I felt that I pandai already hahhaha. And also wanted to lessen my dad's burden. Now what's left is that I need to drive safely. Having a license is scary man. Doesn't mean you can really drive. So yeah, I'm still scared. But the test is over and I can now sleep soundly and get prepared for my finals without burdening myself with the thoughts of JPJ test! I'm also feeling less like a loser for passing this lol idk why I'm beating myself up over small things these days. It's like being able to tell that annoying part of me that hah! You're wrong! I can do it! cos I doubted myself. Glad that this phase is over. Ahhhhh. So happy.

In fact, I'm soooo happy, I didn't even remember to take a nap..