I'll Sort of Miss You, 2016

I'll make a proper entry on my exact feelings at the moment, since it's been a yearly tradition.

This is going to be the last blog post for this year. 53 blog posts. There's been an increase since the previous year, but I blogged less than the older days, and I no longer seem to blog about the things I used to blog the most about.

I remember leaving certain years feeling unenthusiastic and hopeless. The darker days are still vivid in my memory, and I don't want to ever forget it, for it serves a good reminder for me to understand other people's struggles better.

2016 has been very memorable, to be very honest. If 2015 had been about walking out completely from depression, and library visits, 2016 has been a bit more than that. New haircut. New self-acceptance. Bus rides. A connection with others. Dark moments, still. But it's different these days. It's different because I know what to do. I am no longer that 19 year old who was lost every time the light turned off. These days when the flame dies, I use another source of light. And that is probably what I learnt the most this year.

I'll sort of miss this year. And it's always scary to walk into a new year, but I can't say I'm not hopeful. 

My wish is simple. 

More books. More connections. Good health for everyone. Hope in times of anger and despair. Bravery to be happy and bubbly. Less hesitance in making a difference.

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Random pics throughout the year:

January

February

March

April

May

June

July

August

September

October

November

December

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#52: 2016: Snippets: Journal

4th January

"Finals start tomorrow. One word: Yikes!"

"Woo! This is my first entry for 2016! But sadly I can't write sappy long entries cos I need to study a bit. Hopefully after finals I can pen down a bit on my little adventures at the library and on the bus in the second half of 2015. So many things to write about! So many people to remember!"

5th January

"As I stared blankly out of the window of the bus this morning, I found myself thinking, I can imagine myself being an _____. I don't know, man, but my conversation with _____ last night had probably tricked me to think that way."

"And as I stood in front of the mirror of my bedroom, one thought crossed my mind. I went out of MRSM almost 10 years ago. I flunked in Intec. I didn't manage to get into any Science courses after that. Is God (or any cosmic power) showing me that my path was never meant to be the Science path?"

23rd February

"First two days of classes have been OK. It was a mixture of OK-not OK, so I guess it's just meh. It's a bit tricky at the start of a new semester when you get tutors who have never taught you–it's like, y'know, I tried to evaluate them in my brain and see which are the ones I need to be careful of."

"Kuching was earlier this week and last week but I guess it's getting better."

"I am no longer sappy like last time when I think of my Intec friends and feel sad and missing them. Maybe it's because I'm kind of happy and contented with my life right now."

10th March

"I watched Zootopia today."

"The librarian was an old man who was nice because he told me I could borrow 5 instead of just 3."

"Why do we like the things we're not supposed to like?"

14th June

"I started my new semester today. Had my first three classes, and to summarise, everything went (weirdly) fine. In fact, I'm kind of liking this start, so it scares me a bit to be this happy/contented."

"Last semester break was unproductive. I developed a celebrity crush on Rose Sirintip. I'm kind of back to listening to Thai music and thinking of taking up my Thai seriously again."

"I'm worried about our coming assignment but I guess things will work out fine."

"When she asked questions, it's hard to respond appropriately. I don't want to over-participate, but I pity her for not getting any reactions. But when I participate, I overcomplicate my words–which comes to the next revelation of the day: I know why am I a social introvert. It's not that I don't have anything to say. I have too much to say! And that scares the **** outta me. So in the end I keep my thoughts to myself."

"Overall, I enjoyed today. The ride was pleasant (it was the old bus, the good driver) and the wind was cold after the rain. Thankful for life and hope, and the chance to be out again, participating in life."

15th June

"My second day of the new semester went surprisingly well as well. It's scary to feel so relaxed and happy like this. Everything's so fine that I fear if it ends."

"Best part was that my timing was perfect cos a bus passed by and I became the only passenger like OMG I feel like I'm some sort of VIP. And my hair, gosh, the reflection on the bus door...when the wind blew my hair it made it look like a flame. I've never felt this awesome lol."

1st July

"It's been a long long day with so many things happening but the bottom line is that today I feel happy. And I'm happy that I'm happy."

"Anyway something comedic happened this morning. I was actually planning to catch the 9am bus that I always commute on. It was very sunny this morning, so I turned my back away from the sun when I was waiting at the bus stop. I wanted to be within that shady area. But I didn't expect the bus would come earlier, and around 8.50am it whizzed past the bus stop like an ambulance. Blame the grassy soil they heaped up at the side of the road, so the view was blocked. I didn't see the bus until the last minute, and the driver didn't see me. So I felt so stupid after jumping over the bus stop seat and smacked my head like I was in a sitcom."

"I felt better though after that because after some time three other people came and waited with me. Another bus arrived past 9. I stood until 10th Mile."

"On the bus there was this man who sat next to me right when the woman next to me got out. I actually don't mind letting men sit next to me. They deserve a seat as well, as long as they don't act creepy. After all, most of them are just trying to get through the day just like myself. This man then gave up his seat for an elderly woman at Sunny Hill. Good people still exist."

"I sat in the library and one of the librarian guys smelt like weedkiller every time he walked past me. I don't really like him because he loves giving me weird stares as if I owe him any explanation. I don't really fancy the male librarians except for one or two who are really nice. You'd be amazed, but I'd provide a list on who's been nice and not nice: ...."

"I met a lady stranger who sold her books to me. She's a really pleasant person. I'm surprised I kinda liked her, and I'm really happy with the books."

"Cindy fetched me at 2.30ish. We headed to ChinaHouse. I went out to Nia. We talked crap and lighted up the candles and talked and took pictures and complained about how full we were after the cakes. We had a good time. We rushed to go back though. I had to catch the bus at 5. I reached home at 7. I'm feeling the tiredness now."

"Along the journey I looked up to the sky and wouldn't help wondering why I was made this way, this Fiona. To love feels good."

19th July

"I've been a bit down for two days now. I don't really know what's bugging me, but I'm annoyed with people. I'm so tired of everyone who talk shit about each other from behind. I'm OK if they're just talking shit, but it's maddening when they talk shit but appear so harmless in front of the same person they've talked shit about. It's everywhere, man. Even in churches. Fuck people."

"Anyway I don't want these people to ruin my mood. I'm just, y'know, a bit down for no apparent reason."

"I hopped on the 9am bus to college. Things were perfect before two obnoxious people (a couple) started talking non stop, sitting behind me. I mean, come on, all I ask for is just some space to be alone but there came these people invading my personal space and talking loudly. They had a funny conversation though, in a weird kind of funny.When they got off at ___, the guy actually stared at me while getting down the steps. I stared back like an alpha male and felt a little victory inside me."

"My bus ride home was more pleasant although it was raining. I met a different bus driver who acted quite different from the rest. He gave me the ticket with courtesy and actually responded to my thank you. You don't often see courteous bus drivers so I had to jot this down."

"Well other than that things have been as usual. I still feel like shit though. And deadlines are approaching. God, how I wish I could get paid by thinking philosophically on public bus rides."

26th July

"Today the weather's so gloomy but I really like it."

"Why are people smiling at me today?"

18th August

"I've been away for too long! I should've jotted down some Bangkok stories, but I was too busy chasing deadlines. Now that assignments are over and exam is approaching in less than two weeks, I'm feeling a bit relaxed. Heck, I'm even feeling a bit happy today. There's so much to tell."

"Let's begin from the moment I walked to the bus stop at 8.40am.. The sun was shining ever so brightly, pricking my skin, but well, I'm macho. So I sat there waiting, humming, hoping..and the bus never came, well, not yet, at least. Instead, there came a mak cik and she smiled and I smiled back and she asked me whether I've been waiting for long and I said, urmm, 10 minutes? And bammm we started having small talk. I felt at ease, which is, well, weird. Because I was there, sitting at first, then joined her standing, talking about college, bus rides, drivers, the neighbourhood, dead people, heck, it was one hell of a good small talk."

"The grinning bus driver appeared. I settled down at my usual spot, the seat in front of the back door, and caught Pokémon. This same bus filled the tank last Tuesday and he's filling it again today. Like wow how many times are you guys refilling tanks per week?"

"For the next interesting part, well, you just gotta dig in that Facebook post cos I'm lazy to repeat the whole thing."

"So I arrived at Jalan Masjid with sweaty armpits but well that's a small amount to pay for the liberation of the soul. I also realised I forgot my sweater at some point of time, but I didn't worry. I was chasing after liberation, damn it. Nothing bothered me."

"Mr. ___(mi amigo!) was there and I think he's a cool old man. He's not as pretentious as the rest of the men."

"I simply smiled and handed over my card and she actually said OK after writing my name and said you're welcome and gave me her warm smile. I like how her smile and simple words are like acknowledgements to my mere existence."

"I had lunch alone, hoping to order buttermilk chicken but they haven't cooked the chicken yet so I ended up ordering pad thai which didn't look like pad thai at all but it kinda tasted like pad thai to a certain amount of degree. So yeah, no complaints, baby."

"I entered the bus, and one grandma was there. I smiled but she didn't smile back. Another woman entered the bus and she was, well, boy, one hell of a friendly woman! We talked a bit. Then it rained, a downpour. The poor bus driver came running towards the bus with a small towel covering his head. We were the only three passengers on the bus, and he asked why the heck are we choosing his bus instead of the air-cond one. Oh sir, STC buses are perfect places for the liberation of the soul. Of course you'd never understand."

"Taking the fare from the old grandma, punching her ticket, talking to the friendly lady, he took my 3 bucks and gave me a 3 bucks ticket, not  returning my 50 cents. I acted surprised, asking him isn't it 2.50? And he was genuinely shocked as well. I think he was genuinely distracted. Returning my change and giving me the right ticket, he actually said ohkay in like a relieved, here-you-go manner, and I was like, why is everyone saying 'OK' to me today?"

"I said goodbye to my new friend the friendly lady ("Jalan dulu!") and actually legitly for real, finally had the guts to say thank you to the driver."

"I don't care about their private lives, about what kind of people they are behind the scenes. They're good people. They're part of my story in this journey of walking out of depression."

25th August

"I went on doing my own business and had lunch alone like a strong independent kid,"

"The bus was empty but I hopped on board anyway. It's like an old friend now. If the bus had a soul I'd marry it. Marrying a bus! Haa! I mean, I'm attached to this bus now. It's like the only vehicle in the world that understands me, and that barely makes sense I know."

"The flat's bus stop had been demolished."

"I said thank you because now it's weird not to."

"I'm dying to talk to people I barely know. Because I'm this introverted Fiona, but inside, I have a soul that cares so much about people and places and I feel like I have 100% freedom when I'm alone in a crowd of strangers. God, who am I?"

26th August

"The thing about Mr. B is that he loves to grin, you can see his grin from miles away. He was accompanied by another driver."

"I was the only passenger until __ where ha! Surprise surprise! I met with the eccentric couple again! They got off at ____ and I was happy because the guy actually smoked on the bus."

"Mr. B and his friend were chatting away in my native tongue and I had the joy of listening to them. We were next to another bus of a different route at 7th Mile traffic light and the bus had two passengers as well. Mr. B jokingly said he has two too. It's funny, in a way."

"Anyway Mr. B filled the tank at Shell and damn it, I've lost count on the number of times he had taken me to these petrol station adventures. I saw ___ at the petrol station too, but what kind of idiot would make herself noticed lol. "

"Mr. B legitly asked me 'Moi, pergi pasar?' as a confirmation because surprise, surprise, for the first time ever I'm on an STC bus which drove up the flyover at Batu 3 haha! It was like standing in the eyes of the world because damn it, it was a glorious feeling, sitting so high up there looking down. Majestic, just majestic."

"The library was as empty as a graveyard and was as cold as, y'know, walking out at 5am."

30th August

"I think I have a lot to tell. But I don't have the strength to write. Dramatic, I know. But I'm tired of writing today. The physical act of writing, I mean. I'm never tired of writing, as in, you know, writing."

"The rest are insignificant details. Of course everything else is insignificant. Like how I marched into the exam hall with well, kind of an empty brain hahahaaaauuu."

"Exam was, well, boring as other exams."

"The kid behind me talked to her mum, saying, hey mum, that bus says it leaves at ___pm! And I couldn't take it anymore. I rose, a bit too jubilantly, kinda, and marched out, not before I told the lady, yep, that bus is going to move at that timing. Her other son, the older one, was skeptical. Foolish boy."

"I marched towards the bus. Sat down. The lady asked me again whether I'm positive, and I was like yep trust me, lady. I board this almost every week, and I pointed at the driver, saying there, he's coming. And kazzzooom the air-cond bus was left empty and I think I've never been on this old bus with that many passengers before. I think the driver knows me now, I bet all my Baht he remembers me. But I gave him the exact amount anyway. At first I wanted to just hand over 10 bucks but my Maths so poor I fear he returns the wrong amount. You see, I like people, but my mama didn't raise no fool."

"I wanted to collect Pokéballs, but I think I received a softban. So in the end I sat there like a dog enjoying the breeze. Nothing special happened, but one mak cik sat next to me and was wearing maroon like me too, and she asked me if I knew how to buy the mobile data plan. I think she asked cos she saw me checking my PokémonGo lol. So I helped her, and I felt damn good."

1st September

"In front of me sat a man who was so small and he looked unusually too easily amused with almost everything happening along the journey. He would stare out of the window, absorbing each tiny detail. A woman in front of him was holding a pink card written Psychiatry Ward with some handwritten dates of appointments. I thought she was sending herself for an appointment, but when we reached Sentosa Hospital it dawned upon me that she's related to the man and she's sending him."

"By the time I arrived at the junction it was already past 7. Crazy, man. The last bus is kinda adventurish and emo at the same time. Idk how to describe it. But when you're somewhere with strangers on a bus at dusk damn there's that certain feels idk how to specifically describe."

"Right now I'm so tired but it's amazing I didn't sleep a bit today. More than 12 hours remaining awake. Being alive is so nice."

2nd September

"I legitly said thank you to the detacheddriver for the first time, and while saying that, I made a hand (arm?) gesture as well. He yelled 'sama!' which is, I think, an autoreflex because he had just taken out his phone to check it, which explains maybe he was kind of surprised."

5th September

"I had a pretty good day today I don't think I deserve to complain about anything although things aren't changing much at home. And I don't really want to talk about it."

"Mr __ was the invigilator so today's been good. Mr. ___ too. Mr. ____ smelt like shoe polish so I had to endure the smell throughout the whole paper because I was candidate No. 1 sitting in front."

"I went to get myself a can of chilled Nescafe, a bottle of Bobo, and a packet of Tiger which was surprisingly 1 bucks."

"He had that oh-it's-you again face when he climbed on board. He didn't approach me for the fare because I was his only passenger, so I marched towards him, handed over 5 bucks, and said out my destination. He said 'hmmmh' like actually saying yes you idiot of course I know, and answered welcome when I said thank you. Then more people came. I was on a bus ride with men until Batu 3. The blind man hopped on at BL, and actually wanted to pay for the ticket, but the driver told him to just get in."

"Actually at Saberkas there was already thunderstorm and it was almost comedic, because on my LHS it was all sunny and bright (I had to cringe) while on my RHS it was all gloomy and dark. Wait, I mixed up my RHS and LHS lolwhutt. Just like my life."

"It only started to get heavy at Batu 9. The blind man struggled to shut his window and almost got up to find an alternative seat when I rose and helped him. He said terima kasih and I felt good."

6th September

"Well the paper was predictable but I wasn't particularly gungho about it so I think I just did the bare minimum or whatever is the correct term to describe the attitude of lol if A good lah, if cannot A then OK lah life goes on."

"I bought two cans of coffee and one bottle of Bobo. Cost me RM4.40 lol sorry dad I spent your cash on coffee instead of real food."

"I walked around to look for the bus and saw the driver stretching like a long cat in front of the office. He then walked away and I followed him and jumped across a puddle like a badass ballerina."

"I wanted to listen to my walkman, but there was lightning, and I remembered what my mum warned me about, so I kept it in my chest pocket (rather convenient to have one) because I takut mati kena electrocuted dalam bus with nobody I know around. I need to google whether this is possible."

"I got off before the bus really stopped. Feel damn stupid and awkward because I said thank you! (loud) and he answered me WELCOME! (louder) and 0.2 seconds later I kinda hit the door cos inertia. And worse, I actually let go a legit GARGH!"

13th September

"For I guess a week now I've been thinking of it again. I don't want to actually do it because I'm sad and all that, and I don't want to get all whiny, but rather than seeing all these people around me feel disappointed at me, I think going first would let go some of the burden off their shoulders. But damn it, these STC bus strangers keep on stopping me from actually wanting to do it. They always make me feel like I'm important and needed in society."

"This morning I met Mak Cik Neighbour again and idk, I feel happy when I get to talk to her."

"There's this Indonesian guy who wanted to go to Batu 7 and he was confused about the change he received but the driver was so cool he could even just laugh about it. See, it's cool to see people being all cool. When this guy wanted to hop off at the traffic light it was just heartwarming when the driver and Mak Cik Neighbour told him to look out for cars/motorbikes and be careful."

"I saw two old-ish men chitchatting at the carpark next to the construction site. They were still there doing the same thing when I walked back at 3pm. That's why I needed to write it here. I find it...amusing."

"I went to KR1M just because I felt like it. And well, let me say this again, lo and behold, my latte was back in stock! I actually gave the fridge a smile. Yes, I was that happy. Well I bought 3 cans of latte if you're wondering. And one was chilled. Y'know, like just one flipping one. The one. Like some cosmic power knew it had to be the one."

"There were already so many people on the bus. Even Mak Cik Neighbour was there. I hey-ed her."

"At SGH I gave a man half of my seat and instantly regretted it because he kept on fidgeting and was a leg spreader. Screw bad life choices."

"Lady with 3 kids boarded at Sg. Tapang, and that became my excuse to ditch the seat, gave it to the kid, cos I couldn't take it no more. I was dying, sweating in my black hoodie, but refusing to take it off cos I'm so not in the mood to be happy right now. So I stood at the back door."

"I think the driver expected me to walk to the front door but that was too troublesome with people and boxes there, so I stood and waited. He looked at me from the rear view mirror and I pointed at the back door, kinda saying yo open it up man and so he did. And I involuntarily raised my right hand like a dude as a symbol of thanks."

20th September

"I sat and read Kafka until 1.15pm. No toilet break, no drinking, no nothing. Because I forgot my bottle and locked it in."

"Then I decided it was time to move my butt. The scanner beeped but librarian 1 didn't bother to look up and librarian 2 didn't eye my suspiciously. A visitor, a man sitting on the sofa, did though. I enjoyed looking at his suspicious stare. Hah, bro, the library is mine!"

"I was craving for a BigMac. I was served by a guy who had a great smile. People like him make the world a better place."

22nd September

"The detacheddriver came a few minutes after 9. Mak Cik Neighbour looked at me and laughed. I don't know why but it's funny when we get him cos he's punctual but he's not always around, which is, well, weird."

"And it was funny because we didn't know who should go on board first. I let Mak Cik Neighbour first, but she let the old uncle, but the old uncle signalled for her to go first. But in the end we went according to seniority lol typical Asians we are."

"I said thanks but him being him showed no response whatsoever. He's so detached. I wonder what he used to work as and what actually does he want to do apart from driving buses. Being a man, an adult man, is really tough I guess. I'm imagining men stuck in jobs they don't like, but there are mouths to feed."

"He opened the back door so I went off the bus from there. Besides, I don't think he likes any interactions, because an old man went off at Sunny Hill and said thanks, and he didn't even look at him. So I don't think I will ever attempt to say thanks to him as well, just in case he hates interacting with people."

"Librarian 1 saw me, but Librarian 2 didn't. He legitly didn't see me at all although I was standing right in front of him. So Librarian 1 told him I was there to tukar duit, and he made an oh terkejutnya expression and told me I looked like I did a magic trick and how on earth I could walk there unnoticed. I gave a polite grin just to show how I appreciate his joke. He told me he has a pair of grandma eyes and I grinned again. I was grinning all along because I flipping couldn't think of a thing to say and I swear in my black hoodie I felt like Jake Bugg (you should see how Jake Bugg looks like when he smiles). Of course I appreciate these kind of interactions. But I can't flipping function properly."

"Remember the tall guy who I thought was a teen last time? I never wrote about him. I can't even remember when was the first time I saw him. Might even be in December, January or February. He's still around, and I got to say he's attractive. He had a stubble today, and was typing some stuff on his laptop just right in front of me. I wonder what he does for a living. He's always wearing semi-formal."

"The librarian reeked of smoke when he passed me by several times. He gives me this uneasy feeling of being judged at every time he looks at me."

"The back door was flipping opened alright, all the way for 3 miles. I pressed the bell, but right after that, he shut the door. Of course it's weird."

27th September

"I boarded the detacheddriver's bus again at 9, but Mak Cik Neighbour wasn't around today. It felt weird, because all these while my Tuesdays have been pretty much the same. Without her, I feel a bit...empty."

October: Snippets: Journal

November: Snippets: Journal

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#51

I was on my ride home today from the library when some sudden realisation came into my mind:

1. I don't want to spend my last day of 2016 in the library, studying for my finals. Therefore tomorrow I will be taking a break. 

2. For the first time in a very long time my ride home was accompanied by sunshine and a very blue sky–reminding me that it's such a good feeling to sit there, the warmth of the sun wrapping around me, and I look up to the sky and I just feel like smiling although there's nothing really remarkable happening.

3. Last year I wished another driver "Happy new year!" but today I got off without saying a word, because I used the back door, but I secretly wished I was shameless and bubbly enough to yell "Thank you!" to the driver and "Happy new year!" to the whole remaining passengers. 

4. And that was my last bus ride of 2016. Not that it will be long before the next ride, but that will be in a different chapter altogether I guess. 

5. It's not the last day of 2016, but it really felt like it, probably because it's a Friday. 

It's quite a weird feeling to walk into the new year with something old remaining there unsettled–my final exams, I mean. I still have papers to sit for after the new year, so I guess the feeling is not quite the same as compared to the older days when I enter the new year and begin a new year in school or a new semester in college. And I'm tired of looking at things this way, to be honest. Rather than seeing a whole year as a massive chunk of new opportunity to start something, I guess I'm rather comfortable of viewing each day as an individual day, a brand new day. I don't quite know how to explain it, but what I'm trying to say is that I don't want to view the first of January in a different, separate time frame with the 31st December.

It's nice to look back at the year and see a line drawn there at the beginning of the year, but the more I think of it, the more I realise things are pretty much going to flow as usual. Or I might be wrong. And this alone is scary but exciting in yet another way that I cannot describe. 

Final toilet selfie of the year.
(#TakMalu)

Final Buzan Mindmap of the year.
Final 'library day' of the year.

Final bus ride of the year.

#50 Mmmh

I had no idea that journaling and blogging could be a seasonal thing you're enthusiastic about.

Or maybe I've just lost the momentum in expressing my thoughts and feelings.

In the recent months, I found myself incapable of shutting up. I wanted to blog about everything. I wrote my journal entries without missing out the smallest details, including the clothes I wear and the weather of the day.

But now I'm slowing down, and I don't know why.

In general life is still going on at the same pace, minus all the theatre practice sessions and the crazy race against assignment deadlines. With only 5 days left until Christmas and 8 until my first paper for finals, I find myself a bit incapable of getting into the right feeling that I'm supposed to feel. 

For the whole semester I admit I didn't really study, never opened my notes for revision, daydreamed in class, and now I know if I don't start doing anything, I will face the consequences.

But then I hate having finals at the end of the year until the early part of the new year, because it's like there's no proper closure for the old year.

Meeting two of my dear friends today got me thinking of the things we talked about: New year resolutions, how 2016 had changed us, and all those reflective stuff you think about when yet another year is about to end.

Unsurprisingly I found myself struggling to find the right words again.

I don't really know how 2016 had changed me.

I only know that cutting my hair in January was one of the best decisions I've ever made, and I found an identity of myself that I am comfortable with, but there are things about myself that scares me, and the bus rides became a huge part of me this year, and I see people differently these days, but that's pretty much it. As much as we believe a lot can change in a year, I think some things remain unchanged as well.

As for new year resolutions, I admit I am afraid of this phrase because there were just so many projects and dreams that I embarked on, but gave up halfway through simply because I lost my motivation or grew lazy. But this year I've read 65 books, and next year I think I want to read more, perhaps about 70, and I want to read more classics, but then again, you never know what can happen.

There are also some things that I plan to take more seriously, but I'm afraid to embarrass myself here, so I'm not going to blog about it. 

Apart from that, there's really nothing much I want to achieve in 2017. I do wish though that I can start becoming a bit braver and confident when interacting with familiar strangers such as bus drivers and janitors and librarians. I don't want to walk around with a sad face, but then again, it's hard to walk with a goofy smile when you're not very used to it. And it's hard to initiate something as simple as "Have a good day!" or "Haven't seen you in a while!" or "Nice weather today, huh?" (I'm getting better at the "Thank you!" department, thankfully.)

As for wishlists and things I really want to own, I've grown accustomed to the understanding that I can't always get what I want. This year I thought of getting a travel guitar, but now I think I've managed to reduce the desire to own one. And I dreamt of going to Singapore to see Passenger, but then I think I have to be a responsible adult. I wish to own a few books that I've been looking for, but then I realise I have a massive pile of books that are waiting to be read. I'm still dreaming of owning one unit at The Ryegates though, and I'm pretty sure it will become one of the biggest unfulfilled dream that I'll ever have in this lifetime.

I really have no idea on how 2017 is going to change me. Maybe I'll be waking up on the first January and finding out that it's just another day. On the 4th I'll be having another paper to sit. On the 3rd maybe I'll board a bus to the library. Things are going to go on as usual. Maybe.

And maybe I need to remind myself that 2017 will be the only full year left in uni. Which means I need to make every month count. If there's a thing that I want to document about my routine of bus rides and classes and library visits, then next year is my final chance to do so. And to be honest, this fact alone excites me in a way that I know I'll learn to appreciate things more as I slowly watch it approach its time to end. 

Maybe it's too early to think of all of that.

But I remember around this time last year, I was feeling very grateful of 2015, and I knew I'd be walking into 2016 with a better understanding about many things that I never fully understood previously.

2016 has been different than 2015, but I can't say it's not a good year. The past few months have really been good except for a tiny bit in October-November, but I'm thankful that I wrote in my journal very frequently from July to November, because I really don't remember much about what happened earlier this year. 

I really want to do a proper recap of the year, but honestly, I'm feeling very lazy right now. February, March, April, May, and June are a bit fuzzy in my memory, but I'm sure there are pictures to remind me of what did I really do in those months. 

And well, does it really matter anyway? 

I can never remember fully the things I've been through, and try as hard as I can, there are many things that I want to remember but I can't. I can't recall some faces that I wish I can recall. I can't remember some things that I wish I'd never have forgotten.

But again, I guess they don't matter. What matters is probably the fact that today I came home feeling exactly the way the poem "A Soldier's Prayer" ended:

I am, amongst all men, most richly blessed.

I do admit that I'm not in the proper track I used to be in, but most of the time it's the compassion from your fellow human beings that reminds you of these little little things. 

.

First ever rainy 8am ride to town. (20/12)

First ever photobooth photo. (20/12)

First ever Korean BBQ meal. (20/12)

First ever personal cup of Starbucks. (18/12)

#49 Aaaaaaa (December Picto-update)

I couldn't find any appropriate title for this entry other than Aaaaaaaa because seriously, I've been dying to blog. I haven't written on my journal for one whole week, and I'm beginning to forget the feelings and event I want to write about, but things were crazy earlier this week. 

Theatre is over (it ended with a bang bang boom) and some controversy, and on the next day we received some good news, but even now, as I'm typing this, I am still not feeling the liberation I expected to feel, for I have about three to four more assignments to complete. After this following week ends, I think only then I will be free for real, but then I have finals to study for, because damn it, my first paper will start three days after Christmas. This is going to be sooooo fun, baby.

But again, I am glad that theatre has ended, because that thing really gobbled up my whole life. But then again, it was a friendly monster. Gobbled up all my energy and time, but in turn it gave me a lot of weird feelings that I have never felt about this uni and the people in it. As much as I felt like snapping in front of people, I developed this weird feeling of sappiness and unconditional love towards many of my teammates, and I'm beginning to love my tutor, and honestly, this one whole month of practice and preparation had changed me in ways I had never expected.

I went to college on every single weekday, and returned home at night, even on days when I had classes. And now, my body is so used to the early hours of waking up and total hours of staying awake, so I find myself waking up early on weekends and not needing to take any naps anymore. Dios mio, am I turning into a real adult, for real?

This is a picture from our last practice session on the night before the real day. We left practice at 9pm that night. It was our final full rehearsal. This was at one of the bigger classrooms that we call as one of the 'halls'. In most of the scenes, we dimmed the lights. One particular scene was intentionally practised in the dark though, with only torchlights from one or two phones.

It was the second last scene. Involved sounds of gunshots. In the dark. I was busy writing down stuffs on my script sheet, planning on people who would carry the props in and out on the next day. More than half of the team was involved in the scene. Little did I know that that night, they heard a sound of a mysterious giggle. And I was the only one who didn't realise a single thing. They only told me the next day. See, honey, what a interesting experience this whole theatre practice session had given me. 

The week before that, we went for a trailer shooting at various locations. Here's a photo of my teammates having a (fake) brawl at a basement car park of a nearby mall/office building (also where my favourite library is located). The car park was rather empty because it was the bottom-most level. And it was nearly 5pm or something, and I remember being a bit impatient to go home because boy, it was a tiring day. I think the guys really liked this part though. They had fun planning the fight choreography and attempted many takes to make it perfect. It was rather funny too, entering the lift, all 11 of us, with toy guns and masks and most of the guys were dressed in black. 

Here's my teammate looking professional and shooting without a tripod. Again, this was for the trailer. On the real day of the theatre performance, this was one of the scenes that the audience liked the most, judging from their gasps and awhhhhs.

Before leaving this place, we attempted a lot of jumpshots but all of them failed because it was very hard to get 11 people to jump at the same time. 

Here's one of our props━a car door. The guys did great job making it and spray-painting it. On the real day, one of the guys brought a real steering wheel for it.

When I wrote the script one month ago, I didn't think of how we were going to do a car scene. I didn't think much about how troublesome it would actually be to put certain scenes that required certain props to be built. I think our car door wasn't bad at all. But our door was so bad that it actually couldn't stand on its own on the real day of the performance.

Thankfully, my teammates are cool people, and instead of being sad about it and being jealous of the other group who undoubtedly had wayyy better props, we joked a lot about our door and associated it with one popular Malay saying that goes, "Hidup segan, mati tak mahu."

This was my bus ride home after the theatre performance. Now imagine me, dressed a little too nicely, on a public bus, with my fringe a bit curled, carrying a ukulele, an eco bag (containing a beach ball, a sweater, a table cloth) and a bag (containing shirts and another hoodie and a frigging telephone━yep, a frigging traditional home telephone we needed as one of the props). Thankfully, it was a 5.30pm ride (I don't think it's regularly available, since I always see 5pm rides and 6pm rides━but I could be wrong). Andddd most important of all, the ride wasn't full! I had two seats all for myself and my stuff, and although I don't like air-cond buses, this one wasn't bad at all!

...except for the fact that I reached home after sunset, and right after that I straight away had to follow my family out for dinner because we had my grandparents and uncle coming over, and I returned home at 11pm that night, and by midnight I was dead. I had never felt that tired in a long long time.

But despite the tiredness this whole theatre thing had brought to me, I kinda love one thing about it━that it gave me the excuse to come to college on Mondays and Tuesdays, the two weekdays when I don't have classes at all this semester. Now don't get me wrong, I don't really love coming to college. But I love one thing, and you can guess it pretty easily. Bus rides! 8am bus rides!

But I notice that towards the end of the year, the traffic shifts its peak hour a bit later in the morning as compared to in the earlier period of the year. To catch the 8am bus, I'd normally walk to the bus stop at 7.40am just in case the bus comes early. But boy, that's just the same time the traffic crawls at an excruciatingly slow speed, and yes, people stare. You feel as if you're some kind of item of display as you sit there motionless at the bus stop. I've grown used to it, but I find it scary that as I sit there for two consecutive days, same timing, same cars are going to pass by, and they'll be able to see me and recognise my face. 

But again, 8am bus rides are damn nice. Because they're never full.

Except for that particular Monday, that Monday earlier this week. It was a crazy ride! Two and a half hours to reach town! Madness! And I was sitting at the backmost seat, so I had the chance to snap a pic of the traffic behind, so baby, look at that! Until now I am still puzzled about what exactly happened that morning. How could the jam be that bad? Was there an accident? I'm sure I didn't see any. 

Such an unfamiliar seat on a very familiar bus. And at that moment, I knew the school holidays were part of the blame. My favourite bus ride was packed. My favourite bus ride that is normally empty was packed like never before! Blame the school holidays!

But then again, I still love STC buses even when they're full. Because the aisles are wide. You don't really feel like you're trapped and squished on. And you don't feel like you have your personal space invaded. 

And some days, I get rides like this one in the picture above. Not some days, in fact. Most of the days. It's like a limo and you're a VIP, so I really don't deserve to complain about anything. Besides, it's rather nice to be in a sea of strangers on a bus. 

My Friday ride home was also quite packed. And it was the exact same bus on that Monday morning. Come to think of it, it's a rather nice way to start a week and end it. The Monday morning ride was rather uneventful, but the Friday evening one was better because I tried to help the lady behind me shut the window, but the window was stuck, but I insisted that I should keep on trying, because it was me who opened the window earlier on when nobody else was on the bus, and then a man helped us to shut it.

And that man was the man who gave me his Borneo Post months ago, who also told me to be careful some weeks ago, and there we were, meeting again. I'm not sure whether he remembers me, but boy, I remember him. Rest assured though that I know this man is harmless. I sometimes can't believe that my mum doesn't trust me on these kind of things, these people-reading kind of stuff, and I know she's just trying to make me a bit more careful around strangers, but really, I think I have a higher risk of being knocked down by a car while crossing the road than actually being harmed by a stranger on a bus.

I'm lazy to elaborate, but while we're at it, let me just say that last Friday I was almost hit by a car while crossing the road after exiting the library. Of course I don't tell people about this, because they're going to give me a full lecture on how to cross a road. But I swear at that moment my mind was in full auto pilot and I actually didn't even use my brain much when I was walking. Probably because I've been taking that same route every day. Or maybe I was tired. I don't know. What's important is that a) I took a step backwards, that kinda saved my life, and b) I didn't die, so hurray!

And that's one valid argument I will use if you tell me to be careful around strangers. You should better just tell me to be careful around moving cars. At least I can read people. I can't read cars. 

Other than that, life's been boring, if according to the standards of people who are living a more exciting life. 

I went to the second hand booksale for three times, and I honestly still feel like going, but I've spent all that I saved, so right now I think it's wiser to forget about it.

Christmas decorations are coming out, and as usual, The Spring is my most favourite mall when it comes to decorations of festive seasons. Just look at that reindeer playing a violin! Look at that!

And while we're at it, hah, I haven't been playing my violin since ages. I thought of reselling it, but it scares me what if one day I just wake up and suddenly feel like playing it again, just like what happened to my ukulele. So yeah, it's there, it's still there. 

And I joined this college marathon and had fun observing some elderly people tai-chi-ing before that. And I didn't win any medals because I chose friendship and togetherness rather than winning, and honestly, I don't really give a shit about medals these days. 

New bus stop at Jalan Masjid is fully done, by the way. I think it's a but wheelchair-friendly. Other than that, I don't see much difference, but its "bus stop" sign is rather cute. Like duhhh of course it's a bus stop, honey.

One random picture one evening after my theatre practise (or was it after class? Eh, I don't remember).The guy in red misunderstood my actions I think. After I shot this picture, he stared at me and smiled weirdly, probably thinking I was secretly snapping his photo. I was actually just trying to capture how Jalan Masjid-Saujana looked like on a typical evening. But oh well. 

That's about it. 

I'm dying to write some better entries about this whole year and all those sappy year-end shit we all want to post, but the time is ticking and I need to chase on sleep and assignments and I really haven't started studying for finals, to be honest. In fact, I don't feel like I've leant anything this semester. Last Thursday (the day after theatre) I was caught sleeping in my morning class and I wasn't ashamed at all about it, so right now I'm questioning myself, yo bro, what kind of student haz you become? And to be honest, I didn't really fall asleep, if you get what I mean. I chose to sleep. 

And seriously, I'm dying to get all these assignments done so I can feel a little bit of liberation. And right now I'm visualising myself still boarding a public bus to college on Christmas eve (weird thought...) and going to the library to study just one or two days after Christmas (another weird thought...) but honestly, that's really what's going to happen, baby. 

Hopefully this is not my last blog post of the year!

#48 Strange(r) Connection

These past few days I've been thinking a lot about the woman I met on one particular bus ride the week right after I returned from Bangkok.

But before I get into the details, I guess I'll just talk about how I feel in general at this very moment I'm typing this down.

November felt like a really quick month—my soul-o trip to Serian is now one month old, mid November was still a tough period for me, and the month ended with me feeling incredibly tired physically until the point that I found myself sleeping and waking up at the oddest of hours. My routine went something like this: waking up at 5am, sleeping along the journey to college, sleeping again while waiting for classes to start. being half awake in class, lunch at 11 and trying to complete assignments and sleeping until 2, being half awake again in classes at 2, sleeping on the way home on the bus, shower and dinner as soon as I reach home, try to do some assignments again, sleep around 8pm and try to wake up around 9pm to do assignments, wake up at 10pm instead, do a little bit of assignment again, feel dizzy and decide to sleep a bit, set my alarm to wake up at 12 midnight, wake up at midnight and try to complete my never-ending assignment, ending up sleeping for real around 4am, and the cycle repeats for the whole week.

And I leave WhatsApp group chats unanswered, snap at people, don't even have the strength to lift up my guitar, can't even bring myself to read a book, and really, I don't think I've ever been this tired since a long long time. And this theatre assignment is making me a bit crazy, and I can never stay calm until it ends this Wednesday.

And probably because things were so tiring and the people around me started to make me feel a bit frustrated, these past few days I've been thinking about the woman who I met after Bangkok.

It's a weird thing, to associate her with that period of time when I came back to college after my week in Bangkok, but I found myself sitting on a bus ride earlier this week with the thoughts of wanting to meet this lady again and have a good friendly chat with her like that moment in August.

Because I remember being so happy and free last August. I remember getting off the bus and saying goodbye to her and feeling incredibly good about life. 

And I find it funny because she doesn't have the slightest idea that I'm thinking of her at this moment. 

Which brings us to the main thing I've been thinking so much about lately.

This strange stranger connection I get occasionally with some people—it's just so weird. Because November's been this record-breaking month where I go to college every single weekday of the month thanks to theatre practice. Every single weekday I board a bus to college and back home. That's 10 bus rides per week. I begin to see strangers a bit more frequently than usual, and I begin to develop a sense of familiarity with some. And it scares me a bit—the fact that I'm becoming a regular. The janitor at the main station now recognises me—she smiled at me last Friday. The DetachedDriver who never smiled had this funny expression as if stifling a laugh when he saw me. I begin meeting same people on my morning ride and evening ride, and we exchange glances with blank expressions on our faces. 

I begin to notice an incredible connection that strangers have with other strangers—for one morning a man (who regularly boards the morning bus to work) wasn't waiting at his usual spot, and one or two passengers started checking their wristwatches—a sign or concern and curiosity upon the absence of a familiar stranger at a regular time. And that was a beautiful, beautiful thought I keep on reflecting on until now.

But maybe because I'm so tired, maybe because I've lost all the enthusiasm I used to have in the past months, I no longer attract friendly encounters. Maybe my weariness shines out of my face, maybe there's an air of sadness around me. I no longer find friendly makciks who are willing to talk to me, I notice more sadness than happiness around me, and it just saddens me a bit because I miss how positive I used to be.

I miss those moments in August because those were the days when I hopped on 9am Tuesday bus rides, and I had good chats with Mak Cik Neighbour, and I met that friendly lady who gave me such a good friendly positive vibe, and I remember smiling on that bus ride, but now many things have changed.

I wonder if one day I suddenly decide to drive and drop all this bus routine, will there be one or two souls who will notice my absence? Maybe. I'll never know which soul—just as how that lady from Baki will never know how months later in tiredness and frustration about life, I suddenly get reminded of her friendliness and positive vibes. I hope she's doing OK in life. Maybe our paths will cross again in the future. I no longer remember her face, but I think I remember her voice. I think I'll recognise her if we ever meet again. But for now, this strange stranger connection that I have for her is something that reminds me of one humble fact that I keep on forgetting—that sometimes maybe we forget how we're really meant to be in a certain place at a certain time, doing certain things that maybe we don't really understand why we're doing it. 

In less than a month this year is ending, and hopefully with this thought, I'll get myself back to that position where I can feel grateful about the year just as how I felt grateful about 2015 and the lessons it taught me.