4th January
"Finals start tomorrow. One word: Yikes!"
"Woo! This is my first entry for 2016! But sadly I can't write sappy long entries cos I need to study a bit. Hopefully after finals I can pen down a bit on my little adventures at the library and on the bus in the second half of 2015. So many things to write about! So many people to remember!"
5th January
"As I stared blankly out of the window of the bus this morning, I found myself thinking, I can imagine myself being an _____. I don't know, man, but my conversation with _____ last night had probably tricked me to think that way."
"And as I stood in front of the mirror of my bedroom, one thought crossed my mind. I went out of MRSM almost 10 years ago. I flunked in Intec. I didn't manage to get into any Science courses after that. Is God (or any cosmic power) showing me that my path was never meant to be the Science path?"
23rd February
"First two days of classes have been OK. It was a mixture of OK-not OK, so I guess it's just meh. It's a bit tricky at the start of a new semester when you get tutors who have never taught you–it's like, y'know, I tried to evaluate them in my brain and see which are the ones I need to be careful of."
"Kuching was earlier this week and last week but I guess it's getting better."
"I am no longer sappy like last time when I think of my Intec friends and feel sad and missing them. Maybe it's because I'm kind of happy and contented with my life right now."
10th March
"I watched Zootopia today."
"The librarian was an old man who was nice because he told me I could borrow 5 instead of just 3."
"Why do we like the things we're not supposed to like?"
14th June
"I started my new semester today. Had my first three classes, and to summarise, everything went (weirdly) fine. In fact, I'm kind of liking this start, so it scares me a bit to be this happy/contented."
"Last semester break was unproductive. I developed a celebrity crush on Rose Sirintip. I'm kind of back to listening to Thai music and thinking of taking up my Thai seriously again."
"I'm worried about our coming assignment but I guess things will work out fine."
"When she asked questions, it's hard to respond appropriately. I don't want to over-participate, but I pity her for not getting any reactions. But when I participate, I overcomplicate my words–which comes to the next revelation of the day: I know why am I a social introvert. It's not that I don't have anything to say. I have too much to say! And that scares the **** outta me. So in the end I keep my thoughts to myself."
"Overall, I enjoyed today. The ride was pleasant (it was the old bus, the good driver) and the wind was cold after the rain. Thankful for life and hope, and the chance to be out again, participating in life."
15th June
"My second day of the new semester went surprisingly well as well. It's scary to feel so relaxed and happy like this. Everything's so fine that I fear if it ends."
"Best part was that my timing was perfect cos a bus passed by and I became the only passenger like OMG I feel like I'm some sort of VIP. And my hair, gosh, the reflection on the bus door...when the wind blew my hair it made it look like a flame. I've never felt this awesome lol."
1st July
"It's been a long long day with so many things happening but the bottom line is that today I feel happy. And I'm happy that I'm happy."
"Anyway something comedic happened this morning. I was actually planning to catch the 9am bus that I always commute on. It was very sunny this morning, so I turned my back away from the sun when I was waiting at the bus stop. I wanted to be within that shady area. But I didn't expect the bus would come earlier, and around 8.50am it whizzed past the bus stop like an ambulance. Blame the grassy soil they heaped up at the side of the road, so the view was blocked. I didn't see the bus until the last minute, and the driver didn't see me. So I felt so stupid after jumping over the bus stop seat and smacked my head like I was in a sitcom."
"I felt better though after that because after some time three other people came and waited with me. Another bus arrived past 9. I stood until 10th Mile."
"On the bus there was this man who sat next to me right when the woman next to me got out. I actually don't mind letting men sit next to me. They deserve a seat as well, as long as they don't act creepy. After all, most of them are just trying to get through the day just like myself. This man then gave up his seat for an elderly woman at Sunny Hill. Good people still exist."
"I sat in the library and one of the librarian guys smelt like weedkiller every time he walked past me. I don't really like him because he loves giving me weird stares as if I owe him any explanation. I don't really fancy the male librarians except for one or two who are really nice. You'd be amazed, but I'd provide a list on who's been nice and not nice: ...."
"I met a lady stranger who sold her books to me. She's a really pleasant person. I'm surprised I kinda liked her, and I'm really happy with the books."
"Cindy fetched me at 2.30ish. We headed to ChinaHouse. I went out to Nia. We talked crap and lighted up the candles and talked and took pictures and complained about how full we were after the cakes. We had a good time. We rushed to go back though. I had to catch the bus at 5. I reached home at 7. I'm feeling the tiredness now."
"Along the journey I looked up to the sky and wouldn't help wondering why I was made this way, this Fiona. To love feels good."
19th July
"I've been a bit down for two days now. I don't really know what's bugging me, but I'm annoyed with people. I'm so tired of everyone who talk shit about each other from behind. I'm OK if they're just talking shit, but it's maddening when they talk shit but appear so harmless in front of the same person they've talked shit about. It's everywhere, man. Even in churches. Fuck people."
"Anyway I don't want these people to ruin my mood. I'm just, y'know, a bit down for no apparent reason."
"I hopped on the 9am bus to college. Things were perfect before two obnoxious people (a couple) started talking non stop, sitting behind me. I mean, come on, all I ask for is just some space to be alone but there came these people invading my personal space and talking loudly. They had a funny conversation though, in a weird kind of funny.When they got off at ___, the guy actually stared at me while getting down the steps. I stared back like an alpha male and felt a little victory inside me."
"My bus ride home was more pleasant although it was raining. I met a different bus driver who acted quite different from the rest. He gave me the ticket with courtesy and actually responded to my thank you. You don't often see courteous bus drivers so I had to jot this down."
"Well other than that things have been as usual. I still feel like shit though. And deadlines are approaching. God, how I wish I could get paid by thinking philosophically on public bus rides."
26th July
"Today the weather's so gloomy but I really like it."
"Why are people smiling at me today?"
18th August
"I've been away for too long! I should've jotted down some Bangkok stories, but I was too busy chasing deadlines. Now that assignments are over and exam is approaching in less than two weeks, I'm feeling a bit relaxed. Heck, I'm even feeling a bit happy today. There's so much to tell."
"Let's begin from the moment I walked to the bus stop at 8.40am.. The sun was shining ever so brightly, pricking my skin, but well, I'm macho. So I sat there waiting, humming, hoping..and the bus never came, well, not yet, at least. Instead, there came a mak cik and she smiled and I smiled back and she asked me whether I've been waiting for long and I said, urmm, 10 minutes? And bammm we started having small talk. I felt at ease, which is, well, weird. Because I was there, sitting at first, then joined her standing, talking about college, bus rides, drivers, the neighbourhood, dead people, heck, it was one hell of a good small talk."
"The grinning bus driver appeared. I settled down at my usual spot, the seat in front of the back door, and caught Pokémon. This same bus filled the tank last Tuesday and he's filling it again today. Like wow how many times are you guys refilling tanks per week?"
"For the next interesting part, well, you just gotta dig in that Facebook post cos I'm lazy to repeat the whole thing."
"So I arrived at Jalan Masjid with sweaty armpits but well that's a small amount to pay for the liberation of the soul. I also realised I forgot my sweater at some point of time, but I didn't worry. I was chasing after liberation, damn it. Nothing bothered me."
"Mr. ___(mi amigo!) was there and I think he's a cool old man. He's not as pretentious as the rest of the men."
"I simply smiled and handed over my card and she actually said OK after writing my name and said you're welcome and gave me her warm smile. I like how her smile and simple words are like acknowledgements to my mere existence."
"I had lunch alone, hoping to order buttermilk chicken but they haven't cooked the chicken yet so I ended up ordering pad thai which didn't look like pad thai at all but it kinda tasted like pad thai to a certain amount of degree. So yeah, no complaints, baby."
"I entered the bus, and one grandma was there. I smiled but she didn't smile back. Another woman entered the bus and she was, well, boy, one hell of a friendly woman! We talked a bit. Then it rained, a downpour. The poor bus driver came running towards the bus with a small towel covering his head. We were the only three passengers on the bus, and he asked why the heck are we choosing his bus instead of the air-cond one. Oh sir, STC buses are perfect places for the liberation of the soul. Of course you'd never understand."
"Taking the fare from the old grandma, punching her ticket, talking to the friendly lady, he took my 3 bucks and gave me a 3 bucks ticket, not returning my 50 cents. I acted surprised, asking him isn't it 2.50? And he was genuinely shocked as well. I think he was genuinely distracted. Returning my change and giving me the right ticket, he actually said ohkay in like a relieved, here-you-go manner, and I was like, why is everyone saying 'OK' to me today?"
"I said goodbye to my new friend the friendly lady ("Jalan dulu!") and actually legitly for real, finally had the guts to say thank you to the driver."
"I don't care about their private lives, about what kind of people they are behind the scenes. They're good people. They're part of my story in this journey of walking out of depression."
25th August
"I went on doing my own business and had lunch alone like a strong independent kid,"
"The bus was empty but I hopped on board anyway. It's like an old friend now. If the bus had a soul I'd marry it. Marrying a bus! Haa! I mean, I'm attached to this bus now. It's like the only vehicle in the world that understands me, and that barely makes sense I know."
"The flat's bus stop had been demolished."
"I said thank you because now it's weird not to."
"I'm dying to talk to people I barely know. Because I'm this introverted Fiona, but inside, I have a soul that cares so much about people and places and I feel like I have 100% freedom when I'm alone in a crowd of strangers. God, who am I?"
26th August
"The thing about Mr. B is that he loves to grin, you can see his grin from miles away. He was accompanied by another driver."
"I was the only passenger until __ where ha! Surprise surprise! I met with the eccentric couple again! They got off at ____ and I was happy because the guy actually smoked on the bus."
"Mr. B and his friend were chatting away in my native tongue and I had the joy of listening to them. We were next to another bus of a different route at 7th Mile traffic light and the bus had two passengers as well. Mr. B jokingly said he has two too. It's funny, in a way."
"Anyway Mr. B filled the tank at Shell and damn it, I've lost count on the number of times he had taken me to these petrol station adventures. I saw ___ at the petrol station too, but what kind of idiot would make herself noticed lol. "
"Mr. B legitly asked me 'Moi, pergi pasar?' as a confirmation because surprise, surprise, for the first time ever I'm on an STC bus which drove up the flyover at Batu 3 haha! It was like standing in the eyes of the world because damn it, it was a glorious feeling, sitting so high up there looking down. Majestic, just majestic."
"The library was as empty as a graveyard and was as cold as, y'know, walking out at 5am."
30th August
"I think I have a lot to tell. But I don't have the strength to write. Dramatic, I know. But I'm tired of writing today. The physical act of writing, I mean. I'm never tired of writing, as in, you know, writing."
"The rest are insignificant details. Of course everything else is insignificant. Like how I marched into the exam hall with well, kind of an empty brain hahahaaaauuu."
"Exam was, well, boring as other exams."
"The kid behind me talked to her mum, saying, hey mum, that bus says it leaves at ___pm! And I couldn't take it anymore. I rose, a bit too jubilantly, kinda, and marched out, not before I told the lady, yep, that bus is going to move at that timing. Her other son, the older one, was skeptical. Foolish boy."
"I marched towards the bus. Sat down. The lady asked me again whether I'm positive, and I was like yep trust me, lady. I board this almost every week, and I pointed at the driver, saying there, he's coming. And kazzzooom the air-cond bus was left empty and I think I've never been on this old bus with that many passengers before. I think the driver knows me now, I bet all my Baht he remembers me. But I gave him the exact amount anyway. At first I wanted to just hand over 10 bucks but my Maths so poor I fear he returns the wrong amount. You see, I like people, but my mama didn't raise no fool."
"I wanted to collect Pokéballs, but I think I received a softban. So in the end I sat there like a dog enjoying the breeze. Nothing special happened, but one mak cik sat next to me and was wearing maroon like me too, and she asked me if I knew how to buy the mobile data plan. I think she asked cos she saw me checking my PokémonGo lol. So I helped her, and I felt damn good."
1st September
"In front of me sat a man who was so small and he looked unusually too easily amused with almost everything happening along the journey. He would stare out of the window, absorbing each tiny detail. A woman in front of him was holding a pink card written Psychiatry Ward with some handwritten dates of appointments. I thought she was sending herself for an appointment, but when we reached Sentosa Hospital it dawned upon me that she's related to the man and she's sending him."
"By the time I arrived at the junction it was already past 7. Crazy, man. The last bus is kinda adventurish and emo at the same time. Idk how to describe it. But when you're somewhere with strangers on a bus at dusk damn there's that certain feels idk how to specifically describe."
"Right now I'm so tired but it's amazing I didn't sleep a bit today. More than 12 hours remaining awake. Being alive is so nice."
2nd September
"I legitly said thank you to the detacheddriver for the first time, and while saying that, I made a hand (arm?) gesture as well. He yelled 'sama!' which is, I think, an autoreflex because he had just taken out his phone to check it, which explains maybe he was kind of surprised."
5th September
"I had a pretty good day today I don't think I deserve to complain about anything although things aren't changing much at home. And I don't really want to talk about it."
"Mr __ was the invigilator so today's been good. Mr. ___ too. Mr. ____ smelt like shoe polish so I had to endure the smell throughout the whole paper because I was candidate No. 1 sitting in front."
"I went to get myself a can of chilled Nescafe, a bottle of Bobo, and a packet of Tiger which was surprisingly 1 bucks."
"He had that oh-it's-you again face when he climbed on board. He didn't approach me for the fare because I was his only passenger, so I marched towards him, handed over 5 bucks, and said out my destination. He said 'hmmmh' like actually saying yes you idiot of course I know, and answered welcome when I said thank you. Then more people came. I was on a bus ride with men until Batu 3. The blind man hopped on at BL, and actually wanted to pay for the ticket, but the driver told him to just get in."
"Actually at Saberkas there was already thunderstorm and it was almost comedic, because on my LHS it was all sunny and bright (I had to cringe) while on my RHS it was all gloomy and dark. Wait, I mixed up my RHS and LHS lolwhutt. Just like my life."
"It only started to get heavy at Batu 9. The blind man struggled to shut his window and almost got up to find an alternative seat when I rose and helped him. He said terima kasih and I felt good."
6th September
"Well the paper was predictable but I wasn't particularly gungho about it so I think I just did the bare minimum or whatever is the correct term to describe the attitude of lol if A good lah, if cannot A then OK lah life goes on."
"I bought two cans of coffee and one bottle of Bobo. Cost me RM4.40 lol sorry dad I spent your cash on coffee instead of real food."
"I walked around to look for the bus and saw the driver stretching like a long cat in front of the office. He then walked away and I followed him and jumped across a puddle like a badass ballerina."
"I wanted to listen to my walkman, but there was lightning, and I remembered what my mum warned me about, so I kept it in my chest pocket (rather convenient to have one) because I takut mati kena electrocuted dalam bus with nobody I know around. I need to google whether this is possible."
"I got off before the bus really stopped. Feel damn stupid and awkward because I said thank you! (loud) and he answered me WELCOME! (louder) and 0.2 seconds later I kinda hit the door cos inertia. And worse, I actually let go a legit GARGH!"
13th September
"For I guess a week now I've been thinking of it again. I don't want to actually do it because I'm sad and all that, and I don't want to get all whiny, but rather than seeing all these people around me feel disappointed at me, I think going first would let go some of the burden off their shoulders. But damn it, these STC bus strangers keep on stopping me from actually wanting to do it. They always make me feel like I'm important and needed in society."
"This morning I met Mak Cik Neighbour again and idk, I feel happy when I get to talk to her."
"There's this Indonesian guy who wanted to go to Batu 7 and he was confused about the change he received but the driver was so cool he could even just laugh about it. See, it's cool to see people being all cool. When this guy wanted to hop off at the traffic light it was just heartwarming when the driver and Mak Cik Neighbour told him to look out for cars/motorbikes and be careful."
"I saw two old-ish men chitchatting at the carpark next to the construction site. They were still there doing the same thing when I walked back at 3pm. That's why I needed to write it here. I find it...amusing."
"I went to KR1M just because I felt like it. And well, let me say this again, lo and behold, my latte was back in stock! I actually gave the fridge a smile. Yes, I was that happy. Well I bought 3 cans of latte if you're wondering. And one was chilled. Y'know, like just one flipping one. The one. Like some cosmic power knew it had to be the one."
"There were already so many people on the bus. Even Mak Cik Neighbour was there. I hey-ed her."
"At SGH I gave a man half of my seat and instantly regretted it because he kept on fidgeting and was a leg spreader. Screw bad life choices."
"Lady with 3 kids boarded at Sg. Tapang, and that became my excuse to ditch the seat, gave it to the kid, cos I couldn't take it no more. I was dying, sweating in my black hoodie, but refusing to take it off cos I'm so not in the mood to be happy right now. So I stood at the back door."
"I think the driver expected me to walk to the front door but that was too troublesome with people and boxes there, so I stood and waited. He looked at me from the rear view mirror and I pointed at the back door, kinda saying yo open it up man and so he did. And I involuntarily raised my right hand like a dude as a symbol of thanks."
20th September
"I sat and read Kafka until 1.15pm. No toilet break, no drinking, no nothing. Because I forgot my bottle and locked it in."
"Then I decided it was time to move my butt. The scanner beeped but librarian 1 didn't bother to look up and librarian 2 didn't eye my suspiciously. A visitor, a man sitting on the sofa, did though. I enjoyed looking at his suspicious stare. Hah, bro, the library is mine!"
"I was craving for a BigMac. I was served by a guy who had a great smile. People like him make the world a better place."
22nd September
"The detacheddriver came a few minutes after 9. Mak Cik Neighbour looked at me and laughed. I don't know why but it's funny when we get him cos he's punctual but he's not always around, which is, well, weird."
"And it was funny because we didn't know who should go on board first. I let Mak Cik Neighbour first, but she let the old uncle, but the old uncle signalled for her to go first. But in the end we went according to seniority lol typical Asians we are."
"I said thanks but him being him showed no response whatsoever. He's so detached. I wonder what he used to work as and what actually does he want to do apart from driving buses. Being a man, an adult man, is really tough I guess. I'm imagining men stuck in jobs they don't like, but there are mouths to feed."
"He opened the back door so I went off the bus from there. Besides, I don't think he likes any interactions, because an old man went off at Sunny Hill and said thanks, and he didn't even look at him. So I don't think I will ever attempt to say thanks to him as well, just in case he hates interacting with people."
"Librarian 1 saw me, but Librarian 2 didn't. He legitly didn't see me at all although I was standing right in front of him. So Librarian 1 told him I was there to tukar duit, and he made an oh terkejutnya expression and told me I looked like I did a magic trick and how on earth I could walk there unnoticed. I gave a polite grin just to show how I appreciate his joke. He told me he has a pair of grandma eyes and I grinned again. I was grinning all along because I flipping couldn't think of a thing to say and I swear in my black hoodie I felt like Jake Bugg (you should see how Jake Bugg looks like when he smiles). Of course I appreciate these kind of interactions. But I can't flipping function properly."
"Remember the tall guy who I thought was a teen last time? I never wrote about him. I can't even remember when was the first time I saw him. Might even be in December, January or February. He's still around, and I got to say he's attractive. He had a stubble today, and was typing some stuff on his laptop just right in front of me. I wonder what he does for a living. He's always wearing semi-formal."
"The librarian reeked of smoke when he passed me by several times. He gives me this uneasy feeling of being judged at every time he looks at me."
"The back door was flipping opened alright, all the way for 3 miles. I pressed the bell, but right after that, he shut the door. Of course it's weird."
27th September
"I boarded the detacheddriver's bus again at 9, but Mak Cik Neighbour wasn't around today. It felt weird, because all these while my Tuesdays have been pretty much the same. Without her, I feel a bit...empty."
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