Endure in Silence: #50 Mmmh

I had no idea that journaling and blogging could be a seasonal thing you're enthusiastic about.

Or maybe I've just lost the momentum in expressing my thoughts and feelings.

In the recent months, I found myself incapable of shutting up. I wanted to blog about everything. I wrote my journal entries without missing out the smallest details, including the clothes I wear and the weather of the day.

But now I'm slowing down, and I don't know why.

In general life is still going on at the same pace, minus all the theatre practice sessions and the crazy race against assignment deadlines. With only 5 days left until Christmas and 8 until my first paper for finals, I find myself a bit incapable of getting into the right feeling that I'm supposed to feel.

For the whole semester I admit I didn't really study, never opened my notes for revision, daydreamed in class, and now I know if I don't start doing anything, I will face the consequences.

But then I hate having finals at the end of the year until the early part of the new year, because it's like there's no proper closure for the old year.

Meeting two of my dear friends today got me thinking of the things we talked about: New year resolutions, how 2016 had changed us, and all those reflective stuff you think about when yet another year is about to end.

Unsurprisingly I found myself struggling to find the right words again.

I don't really know how 2016 had changed me.

I only know that cutting my hair in January was one of the best decisions I've ever made, and I found an identity of myself that I am comfortable with, but there are things about myself that scares me, and the bus rides became a huge part of me this year, and I see people differently these days, but that's pretty much it. As much as we believe a lot can change in a year, I think some things remain unchanged as well.

As for new year resolutions, I admit I am afraid of this phrase because there were just so many projects and dreams that I embarked on, but gave up halfway through simply because I lost my motivation or grew lazy. But this year I've read 65 books, and next year I think I want to read more, perhaps about 70, and I want to read more classics, but then again, you never know what can happen.

There are also some things that I plan to take more seriously, but I'm afraid to embarrass myself here, so I'm not going to blog about it.

Apart from that, there's really nothing much I want to achieve in 2017. I do wish though that I can start becoming a bit braver and confident when interacting with familiar strangers such as bus drivers and janitors and librarians. I don't want to walk around with a sad face, but then again, it's hard to walk with a goofy smile when you're not very used to it. And it's hard to initiate something as simple as "Have a good day!" or "Haven't seen you in a while!" or "Nice weather today, huh?" (I'm getting better at the "Thank you!" department, thankfully.)

As for wishlists and things I really want to own, I've grown accustomed to the understanding that I can't always get what I want. This year I thought of getting a travel guitar, but now I think I've managed to reduce the desire to own one. And I dreamt of going to Singapore to see Passenger, but then I think I have to be a responsible adult. I wish to own a few books that I've been looking for, but then I realise I have a massive pile of books that are waiting to be read. I'm still dreaming of owning one unit at The Ryegates though, and I'm pretty sure it will become one of the biggest unfulfilled dream that I'll ever have in this lifetime.

I really have no idea on how 2017 is going to change me. Maybe I'll be waking up on the first January and finding out that it's just another day. On the 4th I'll be having another paper to sit. On the 3rd maybe I'll board a bus to the library. Things are going to go on as usual. Maybe.

And maybe I need to remind myself that 2017 will be the only full year left in uni. Which means I need to make every month count. If there's a thing that I want to document about my routine of bus rides and classes and library visits, then next year is my final chance to do so. And to be honest, this fact alone excites me in a way that I know I'll learn to appreciate things more as I slowly watch it approach its time to end.

Maybe it's too early to think of all of that.

But I remember around this time last year, I was feeling very grateful of 2015, and I knew I'd be walking into 2016 with a better understanding about many things that I never fully understood previously.

2016 has been different than 2015, but I can't say it's not a good year. The past few months have really been good except for a tiny bit in October-November, but I'm thankful that I wrote in my journal very frequently from July to November, because I really don't remember much about what happened earlier this year.

I really want to do a proper recap of the year, but honestly, I'm feeling very lazy right now. February, March, April, May, and June are a bit fuzzy in my memory, but I'm sure there are pictures to remind me of what did I really do in those months.

And well, does it really matter anyway?

I can never remember fully the things I've been through, and try as hard as I can, there are many things that I want to remember but I can't. I can't recall some faces that I wish I can recall. I can't remember some things that I wish I'd never have forgotten.

But again, I guess they don't matter. What matters is probably the fact that today I came home feeling exactly the way the poem "A Soldier's Prayer" ended:

I am, amongst all men, most richly blessed.

I do admit that I'm not in the proper track I used to be in, but most of the time it's the compassion from your fellow human beings that reminds you of these little little things.