I don't know whether this Month: Snippets: Journal is going to be a thing I'll keep on doing, but for now I kind of like the idea.
I know you're going to be thinking that it's unwise to share something as personal as a journal entry on an open blog, but I don't see it as something very personal to be honest. Reason number one, I've been writing a lot of personal things anyway on this blog since I was 15. Two, I only post snippets. Three, I don't see my journal as a diary. This is the tricky bit where I think I have to explain that these past few months ever since I've been back to writing journal entries actively, I sometimes see myself as a writer. Let's just say that now I'm sort of a self-proclaimed writer and by the end of each month I love rereading what I've written. It's like reading a letter from a good friend, and what could be better than seeing your old self as your own friend?
And maybe I should be explaining that I blog for no one but me. Most of the things I post are just there because I'm a sentimental person who loves rereading old stuffs. And I don't see the point of making it private because I don't really care who comes here to read regularly or occasionally or whatever. Sometimes it's just nice to write something without knowing that actually someone is reading.
So here's what happened in November
1st, Tuesday
"It's a new month. But I'm still carrying the baggage from yesterday. My shoulders are still heavy, my gait still a defeated one. I don't understand myself. Every passing moment that I'm awake at home, I feel angry. Scared. Disoriented. Only when I get out it gets better."
"I had plans to go to Serian today. I don't understand why I had to pick that timing that didn't work out. Maybe out of sentimentality towards that particular bus. Of course if I say that to people, they wouldn't understand."
"The driver tried his best to tell me I won't make it for the last bus at 5pm, and I think I sounded a bit too desperate when I asked him whether he still accepts passengers back to the main station."
3rd, Thursday
"If bus rides to Serian can make me feel this light, then let me go to Serian like how that dude went to Innisfree."
"The Mee Jawa was good. This trip is probably going to remain etched in my memory until the day I die. On the bus rides I still had flashbacks. It's just scary, how much anger I still held on to. But I think I came back with less baggage on my shoulder. I feel lighter."
"I think I made the right decision to go. I do feel bad that mum and dad don't know about it. But if they knew, they wouldn't allow me to go. They'd be thinking they're protecting me while the truth is that some fears need to be conquered."
"Sorry mum and dad, but at least I returned home safely. And I didn't really do anything. The bus rides alone, accumulated, were 4 hours long. 12 bucks. And a memory I'll keep forever, for a lifetime."
9th, Wednesday
"I have less than three days to memorise my public speaking text that doesn't even exist yet."
"I started my day pretty excitingly. Capman was back! I really like how he stopped in the middle of the road although he had already whizzed past me. This man's the MVP. He made me smile my sincerest smile as early as 5.54am. Grand, grand way to start the day. You should see me sprinting in the dark too. I don't do that a lot."
"Kelvin made me laugh until I burst into tears. I don't think I've ever laughed like that. He wrote 'cards on the table we're both playing hearts' as 'come on the table we're both playing hot'. I've read enough Reddit NSFW posts to imagine something..ergh, NSFW, so it was hilarious to me."
"MaoriTatt's bus was at 5pm. His radio was, as usual, very loud and annoying. But I had a pretty good day so I endured it all. Plus at SGH I opened my canned coffee. The jam was horrendous. But it only became unbearable when I began to feel like I needed to pee. It got worse at Batu __."
"There's this Indonesian man who actually wanted to go to Kuching Central. If only I paid attention, I could've told him when we reached Central. But no, I didn't pay attention. At Batu __ he asked the conductor where is Central. Poor man. There's no more bus from Serian (it was almost 6.30pm). The conductor advised him to hop off right there and get a taxi to go down town again. If I were an adult man I would send him back to Central. I really, really feel for him."
10th, Thursday
"Today wasn't actually bad. But I feel like shit. I don't know if I'm just tired or what, but snapping in front of __,__, and __ like that wasn't really cool."
"If he wasn't younger than me I think I would have a crush on him. He's kind of sweet."
"I had to board that 5pm bus again. It's not my favourite ride, of course."
"Hope tomorrow I'll feel a bit more energetic and enthusiastic about life."
11th, Friday
"I dreamt a lot last night. I dreamt of another road trip to Serian. I dreamt of numbers. I dreamt of people. And I dreamt of anger."
"Today was alright. At least I had fun with the girls buying breakfast."
"I was trembling. Stupid adrenaline thinking it's fight or flight time, I guess."
12th, Saturday
"I felt damn terrible and a little embarrassed but I blanketed myself with my Jake Bugg mask. I was pumped up for the competition initially. But that single incident crushed me."
14th, Monday
"Grumpyman saw me but I walked away instead of boarding his bus. I really don't want to board his bus ever again."
"I sat at STC's container office and leaned against the wall. I felt really peaceful and calm, but I kept that frown because I didn't want to appear vulnerable."
"DetachedDriver arrived at 4. I think Grumpyman hadn't left yet, but I didn't care. I boarded DetachedDriver's bus and asked him when is he leaving, just an excuse for me to hop on board his bus, and he said 4.20pm. I napped and he closed the back door, which was a good thing because it made me feel safer."
"And wow, I met __ at SGH stop! It was a fking nice coincidence. I moved to the front to chat with her and remained there even after she left. She asked whether I enjoy my course and uni to which I answered honestly, She carries an identity of Christ in her. It just shines through her eyes and actions. She said thank you to DetachedDriver in a way I admire. Her tone is so gentle and full of compassion. Meeting her gave me a weird feeling. Because I was feeling very unhappy but she opened my eyes to a few things."
"I got off from the back door because the bus stopped after the junction. So I didn't say thank you. I wanted to. But I didn't."
15th, Tuesday
"The elderly man who smiled at me last week was there. This elderly man is a good man because he asked the lady to board first and held the kid's hand to guide him to the bus. I should've smiled back at this man last week."
"He did not smile this time. He used to smile, and I used to not smile back, so I understand. I gave him the exact amount and said 'pasar' and he replied something like 'hmmh' as if saying 'I know' like whenever I tell him 'Batu __' every time I go back home."
"I left at ___ and it was raining heavily but there was sunshine. My ukulele was a bit wet. My hoodie too. But my shoes were drenched."
"He chuckled a few times. Might be forced chuckles but I like the way he chuckles. They sound like they come from the depths of his belly, so full of happiness."
17th, Thursday
"As we were lining up for rice I noticed this guy who looked like __guy who looked like __guy who looked like one of the members of Scrubb. Y'know, the generic kind of man with an egghead and super short haircut and spectacles. I seem to feel an inexplicable connection whenever I see men like these. Connection. Not attraction."
"I had to of course board MaoriTatt's bus again but it was still a million times better than Grumpyman's bus. His radio was loud, but never mind. I reached home at 6.40pm. It was a cold ride. Also the same ride when the conductor lamented about turun malam, balik malam to another passenger, which really changed my perspective about him especially when he mentioned his baby. I used no not like seeing him because he always acted like a high school jock."
18th, Friday
"When Capman arrived, I was the last to board. He needed to return lots of change to the previous man (who gave 10 bucks..),but he didn't keep me waiting because I had the exact amount in hand. He smiled warmly at me and took my fare first before returning the man's change."
"Class was boring but __ said our assignment's the best after everyone was out."
"He had his shades on and you can almost feel that tremendous amount of vanity shining out of him."
21st, Monday
"It's been an OK day. Nothing grand nor splendid, but alright nonetheless."
"Mr __ was in pink. He smiled and nodded at me. I love that man."
"The ride was half full. And, the second chair was broken again, so right now I'm praying really hard that tomorrow this bus will be around."
"The ride was OK. I really love it when the bus speeds up along three particular roads: Batu Lintang, Batu 6-Batu 7, and Sungai Tapang after the cemetery."
22nd, Tuesday
"Practice session was so-so. We weren't happy that many didn't come, but at least we had some very honest conversations."
"In the end I boarded that bus I first boarded after public speaking. The driver looks like someone named Bernard so that's his name for now. I was alone on the bus when Bernard left to loiter around and have some banter with his friend the B2-driver-with-a-personality. I saw that it was showing signs of raining, so I tested the windows, tried to figure out which can be shut, which one is stuck, bla bla, because I wasn't familiar with this bus. Bernard may have misinterpreted my actions and thought I am a wimp for not being able to shut any of those windows, so he shut ALL from the outside and I was dying of the lack of oxygen inside. Damn it, I was wearing 2 layers of shirts."
23rd, Wednesday
"My day started early, hoping to catch Capman, but as my instincts told me, well, he wasn't around. I wonder what those STC drivers do when they're not around. Have a day off? Drive somewhere else? Chill at home? #AskingImportantQuestions."
"So I waited and waved (One 8G bus ignored me, another 3A bus whizzed past me, but the driver glanced at me). I almost gave up hope and accepted the fact I'd be on Grumpyman's bus, but another STC bus drove out of the station. I waved (this time not putting high hopes though..) but thank the universe, the driver stopped! Angels sang a sweet rendition from heaven! Ha!"
"He looks like Frankenstein's monster, in a way. So I think he'll be Frank. And he kept on spitting. Very interesting."
"It was misty and damnnn the view was damn beautiful."
"I hate how he asked questions about his assignments but then he answered 'I know' and doubt what you tell him. Like wtf, man. But damn, today I discovered that I am not a good human being."
"We ate at ___ and people were smoking and my nose went rebellious and by 11.30 it was fully blocked. I lost my mood and decided to sleep through 2pm."
"Gave 5 bucks, he returned only 50 cents. So I asked for my 2 bucks nicely, 'tadi saya bagi you 5 ringgit.' Thank the universe he believed in me and didn't start a scene. If not, well, I'd be breaking an old man's nose."
"I stood up early because the bell was far. There's this man who remained standing at the aisle in front of the door, he said 'be careful' when I hopped off because it was raining and the steps were slippery. It then occurred to me (as I digested the thought of familiarity upon hearing his voice) THIS IS THE SAME FLIPPING MAN WHO GAVE ME HIS BORNEO POST A FEW MONTHS AGO ON THAT STC BUS! I was like, damn, how could I not realise?"
"So here I am thinking that: a) so it was alright that Capman didn't come. b) so it was alright that Ironshirtman also didn't come. I was right, Either way, a day will still be a good day depending on how I view it."
24th, Thursday
"My spaceship is back!!"
"You might be thinking that I had a grand day but the truth is only that part of the journey home was good."
"Today's been rather shitty and dull to be honest."
"Capman wasn't around. Frank too. So yes, we got GrumpyGramps again. This time I very carefully placed the 50 cents into the palm of his hand in case it rolls out and he'll hate me for a lifetime. Life is hard."
"I met __guy again but this time he didn't stare at me, so that's good. From the side, his mouth looks like Homer Simpson (his head too?) so now let me call him Homer. The ride was basically boring except for the fact that I ate my biscuit and this little boy legitly stared at me and made me feel like a horrible monster. I wanted to give him another packet I had in my bag, but damn it, you know how hesitant I am. I felt damn guilty and the guilt never left me, even when we hopped off the bus and the kid was still staring at me as I walked behind him and his mum. Damn it damn it :( "
"And yes, school is shit."
"Library was a bit empty, nice cos I'm sick and tired of seeing SPM kids. Now that my library is back to normal, it means I have a place to escape from the wankers in college. Nice. Grand. Superb. Splendid."
"My Kueh Tiaw Ayam was good cos it wasn't Kueh Tiaw Tulang Ayam or Kueh Tiaw Hirisan Ayam if you get what I mean."
"I went to KR1M to buy Bobo because I am an economic genius who spends 50 cents for 500ml of water. And I met __ at the counter. He stared at me. This is the second time I met him at KR1M. Awkward af. I don't really like this __ guy but I gotta give him +1 for his bald head and another +1 for his specs and +1 again for his pink shirt. I mean, this guy knows what's good on him."
"I began thinking that shit why is life damn difficult and I just don't want to be here can I just leave, so yes, friend, I FLIPPING LEFT. Haa! I am my own boss!"
"So I was telling myself, screw it, YOLO. But..it was only 2.30pm at that time so I did the most genius thing. I went to the flipping college library and read The Borneo Post."
"Climbed the bus, roaring I'M HOME!"
"The mentally ill woman was on board and today she made some noises. I think she's a bit unwell at the moment. She's usually very calm and quiet."
"At Batu 7 a woman sitting in the opposite row suddenly woke up and realised she almost missed her stop. She made a funny sound and everyone laughed and smile, including Ironedshirtman. I love how this bus gives me a sense of community and togetherness."
29th, Tuesday
"To say that I am tired is a bit of an understatement."
"I saw my own reflection, and freaked out, so I diverted my glance."
"And now I kinda trust my intuition. I better stop before I hurt myself like how I hurt myself after hearing that __ likes __. I mean, yes, it's not the same. But __'s filling the void in this emptiness I feel for the lack of ___________ I could feel acknowledged by. And I know __ will never acknowledge me. Maybe it's time to stop feeding myself with something that's not going to do me any good."
.
Things I learnt in November
-friends are fun, but never lose the sense of familiarity and courage of being alone.
-stop chasing for something you shouldn't be chasing.
-whenever feel like jumping of Saujana, go Serian instead.
-skipping classes is OK as long as you don't do it too often.
-strangers are interesting.
-life can be physically tiring, but it's amazing how much strength we actually have.
.
No comments:
Post a Comment