#17 8561 Days

Alive for 8561 days.

That doesn't sound like a lot of days, to be honest.

But I guess I had to think about it, blog about it, whatever this entry is going to end up like.

Because on the bus ride home today I've been thinking about a lot of things. About today, in particular. And about the past week. And about the things I've wrote about in my personal journal.

I try to write on my journal at least once a week these days. I somehow regret on the days when I skipped writing. And because right now I'm on a semester break, I thought that it would be good to stick to my routine, so I still go to the library even though I have no classes to attend. It's like I'm spending RM5 just for the sake of finding solace on the bus rides, and having that sense of liberation as I sink into whichever book I happen to be reading at the library.

Right now it's Kafka on the Shore by Murakami. I'm left with 4 more chapters to go, and I can't stop thinking how good the timing is when I chose to read this book.

Well let's get back to the start.

I actually have no clear directions in writing this entry. I've been thinking about my past entries and how funny it is to reread some of them, and right now my main objective is to write something that will be something worth reading (well, at least for myself) in say, 2 or 3 years to come.

So summer has ended, and it's time for a gloomy autumn (I know..we don't have seasons like these in Kuching, but it's a nice thing to write about). Technically summer was really like summer, except for the fact that it occasionally rained in the evenings, and right now it's really autumn, although it's all sunny and bright in the morning, well, for the past 2 or 3 days it's been scary in the evenings. Yesterday a huge tree fell down on the road around 8th Mile and well I imagined myself trapped in the jam, on a bus, wanting to pee, if, if, I had classes or went to the library. But I was safe and sound at home.

It was scary too this evening. The sky was in dark grey at Jalan Masjid, right after I walked there. I knew it was going to rain, but well it wasn't as bad as I expected.

It was only this bad.
Well, more reasons I don't
prefer the air-conditioned buses.

So I dodged the downpour, but silly me held on to the routine of hopping on the old bus, but for some reason I may never find out, it never appeared today.

I gave up and hopped on the air-conditioned bus, which as you can see, also didn't guarantee that I'd be safe from the wrath of the rain. Drip, drip, drip, they went, as I try to ignore the tiny droplets that bounced off to my face and arms. You see, I wouldn't be annoyed if this happened on an old bus. It's to be expected. 

I'm certainly not annoyed. Okay let's be honest I was annoyed. But it was solely because my routine was disrupted. 

I don't know why and whether this is normal, but I do get really weird when I don't get to do my usual things or get my usual spot, like at the library if someone else takes up my spot, I'd feel a bit sad. And today my 9am bus, the old bus, didn't appear. And my usual bus home also didn't appear. Just when I thought I'd be having another grand Tuesday just like the other good old Tuesdays, well, things went different. This probably indicates that I really am a routine kind of person.

I'm still wondering what happened to my old bus that I've been faithfully hopping on on Tuesdays. Well that was when I still had classes on Tuesdays in the previous semester. Now that I'm about to enter a new semester, I'm sure my routine will change again. But right now I'm not ready for a new routine, and I don't want to say goodbye to this bus yet. The driver is one of the very few good men who drives buses. I don't even have to tell him my destination because he remembers. He'd answer me "Welcome!" when I say thank you as I hop off his bus. And he's a man of routine. He almost has this ritual he sticks to when he arrives at the station. For many weeks in a row, every Tuesday, same timing, he never fails to show up. Not until today. And I worry about him, to be honest. I hope he's just having an off day. It would be sad if he got a new job or something. What a selfish thought, but that really is kinda sad. Obviously, he's my favourite bus driver after the constantly-grinning driver, if that's even a legit thing to say. Only those two buses make me abnormally happy and free I guess. Only those two buses make me feel like I'm at home. I know, your friend here is a little bit weird. 

I got this familiar bus driver though today but he's not among the nicest men you'd meet. He gave me a "What the heck did you say can you speak louder" look when I told him my destination. It saddened me because my usual Tuesday ride home would feel homey-er than this. 

But oh well, it wasn't like I was sticking to my routine today. I went a little adventurous, and decided to have a BigMac alone just because I haven't been having McD since the Samurai Pork Burger in Bangkok. And that also means I haven't been having BigMacs since..probably June, July, or early August.

So off I marched to Plaza Merdeka. And there wasn't even a second that I felt sad or lonely. Also, McD always has this cool playlist with chill songs that I happen to always enjoy listening to. 

So I sit on this table for oneeee!
(singing Passenger songs again lol)

My main agenda, though, was to check out this exhibition at the Old Court House. It's funny that I found out about Urban Sketching a few weeks back on Instagram, and then I found out that Kuching has its own group of Urban Sketchers and jeng jeng! They happened to be celebrating their 4th anniversary around this time! And I was like wellll let's just go and get inspired, because who knows, this might be something I'm eager to be part of.

Well I am eager to start urban sketching, to be honest. But I don't feel that I'll be good enough and I fear the pressure of drawing in public in front of people who are super duper good. And I don't have a proper water colour set, apart from the cheap box I own since Form 2. So yeah. 

While we're at this then let's talk about my many other interests which have been abandoned. First of all, fingerstyle guitar.

I've stopped learning anything new. The fun went away right when I started to have the vision of making money through my YouTube channel (which never happened and will never happen). It was all fun at first, when I managed to master that Sungha Jung arrangement. Then it all went a bit stressful so I dropped everything down. These days I just play for fun, with zero goals and expectations, just like the good old days. I guess some things are just not meant to be. And some hobbies should really just stay as hobbies that make you happy, instead of pressured.

So right now I guess I'm in this phase of sketching. I found this very cool Instagram account of a guy who sketches people at bus stops and transits. He doesn't actually sketch these people in detail..but enough to capture the gestures and I find it realllllly interesting because, well, obviously, I've been people-watching on buses (call me a creep, I won't deny) and damn, every single human being has this unique personality (or whatever you call it) that just shines right out of them as they simply stand up or walk. I'd kill to draw as good as that Instagram guy.

Best decision made today:
Walked to the Old Court House for this!

So yeah. I actually spent quite a long time admiring the sketches. I felt free, as if no one, nothing, not a single baggage or person was weighed upon me or tied to me as I roamed around the area. It's so liberating. I felt alive.

And I remember around this time last year there was a haze and right after the haze things seemed to get better in my life. I entered a new semester, got myself a library card, had a steady routine of going to classes every single day of the week at 8am, and in the middle of that semester I came to understand that my depression was completely gone. It's a beautiful, beautiful thing to think of, and I'm glad I wrote some of those thoughts down on my journal.

You see it's so weird, all these haze and rain and sunny days, they seem to bring us back to certain periods in our lives when we were going through stuffs, well, at least that's what it's like for me. I'm sure next year around this same month I'll be thinking about this moment, and the heavy rain, and how nice it is to feel some of these feelings that I'm feeling. 

I can blog about it and appear happy and contented because I really am. The past few weeks were indeed shitty but there were many good things happening as well. (Qoute from journal: ..but really sometimes I feel that I'm so tired of becoming not good enough. I don't want to get all whiny but rather than seeing all these people around me feel so disappointed in me, I think going first would let go some of the burden off their shoulders. But damn in, these STC bus strangers keep on stopping me from actually wanting to do it. They always make me feel like I'm important and needed in society.) Right now things seem to be slowing down a bit and I feel a lot better.

I also bought a proper pen and a blank book
just in case I really suddenly have the
courage to sketch people.

Well I guess that's all that happened today.

Life, in general, has been OK. This is kind of like a repetition of the previous paragraphs and the many other blog posts I've posted before. But really, I'm in a phase where I am enjoying the bus rides and the trips to the library. I'm still enjoying my books, my guitar, my canned latte.. It's like things aren't changing much but I do feel that if I look back to this day next year, I'd be feeling OK, apart from the fact that I won't be able to see Passenger live in Singapore this coming January (I've decided that this will have to wait..as much as I really want to go, I don't think I should. The sense of responsibility of becoming a real adult is beginning to kick in, and I really want to be able to support myself as soon as I can.)

I still have big dreams in some other areas in life. There's one that I'm really enthusiastic about. But I fear that telling people about this will actually embarrass myself, so right now I'm trying really hard to shut up and make multiple attempts until I can sort of be contented with whatever achievement I'll be getting. 

I guess this post is long enough. Long enough and detailed enough to make me smile as I read it next year, maybe. Hey future Fee, look what we did (and what we wrote) on 20th September 2016 lel.

.

OHHH AND I HAVE TO INCLUDE THIS TOO

I stopped playing PokemonGo because I really don't want to spend my money on subscribing to mobile data (which I did for like 3 weeks I think) and I just want to sit and stare out of the window on bus rides. Live in the moment, live in the moment.

Also, punk/metal/rock covers of pop songs are kind of nice to listen to at this moment.

Also, I cut my hair today. All by myself. Yes I had to include this here..