#18 Eh

I have this sudden urge to blog..

..and really, I don't know why. Because it's funny that in the past couple of months I've been so lazy to write about anything and express my feelings and stuffs but now my mind is so full of stuffs that kind of makes me feel like exploding if I don't get them all out.

But I really don't know what those stuffs are.

I've spent a couple of hours today reading about the MBTI upon finding out that I'm confused whether I'm an INFJ or INFP. Not that it matters much though, but I'm that type of person who feels fidgety if I can't find an answer to something I really want to know about. Like if something is on the tip of my tongue and I reallly can't remember, well, it's that kind of annoying feeling. Or like when someone tells you a story and they forget one important detail but they brought it up already, well, again, it's that kind of feeling, if you get me.

So I read articles after articles and I still can't decide whether I am an INFJ or INFP so I guess I'll never know the answer.

Also, I've been thinking about Twitter and how can people use Twitter for real. I'm not saying that I don't like Twitter, but it puzzles me that people can use it as their main social media. I have a private account to post stuffs I'm too lazy to develop into proper blog posts. I also use it as a place to get some stuff off my chest. And also to note down some short moments I'd like to remember, like the days I get to see my crush and well, those sort of stuff. But beyond that, I don't think it's a place for me, because isn't it kind of sad that your tweets will be buried and it's so hard to reread the older ones, especially if you have like 4000 tweets? And isn't it a bit messy to tweet responses and your own ideas on one same space? I may sound like I'm being whiny but again it's just some of the questions that are going through my mind at the moment. 

I'm also in some sort of dilemma because I think I've dived too deep into something. Well it actually happened last December also, I mean it's almost the same case...but this time it feels a little bit wrong-er if you get what I mean? Of course you don't. I mean why is being an adult so hard? As children, when we like someone, it's just pure innocence, right? It's so nice to be a child. When you smile, it means nothing else. And when someone smiles at you, you ought to be happy. But as an adult it all gets complicated..the attractions, suspicions, small actions that are supposed to be small..I guess I've been overthinking a lot lately. And it's really tiring. 

And these feelings aren't helping much. I really get fidgety in certain situations and I feel so awkward most of the time when I'm not supposed to. And most of the time these days I wish I were someone else. Most of the time I wish I was a natural smiler, a warm, friendly guy, someone so approachable and happy. I don't exactly know why, but it's just that sometimes I sit alone and imagine myself having the power to talk to anyone, everyone, really. I used to like keeping things to myself and be in my own little world. In fact I still think I enjoy doing that. But sometimes, just sometimes, I wonder what if I wasn't this shy person who calculates every single step and action, and what if, what if I had the capability to do stuffs spontaneously, naturally.

Which is probably why I was made this way? Because if I was not like this, I'd probably have landed into some kind of trouble? I don't know. But it seems like as I grow older I no longer see things as black and white...it's like suddenly I realise there are so many grey areas and why some adults really screw up their lives and kind of lose their principles and morals and ethics or whatever you choose to call it. And that's just scary to think of. I'm so afraid to grow up. Because it also means that what you think about someone may be wrong, and that's just saddening, to be honest. 

It's a bit of a risky thing to talk about but I guess halfway writing this just makes me feel a bit better. I don't feel like I'm swelling with annoying thoughts anymore. A little fidgety, yeah, but probably it's because of the latte. 

Well, till we meet again.

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