#20 Ohtober

Oh. Where did September go?

My mind is still in July, to be honest. It felt like yesterday that I went to Bangkok. And now we're coming towards the end of the year already. What a weird feeling, looking at my calendar and seeing all the huge crosses over boxes of days that had passed. 

So on my first day of September I was on the last bus from town, arriving home at 7pm.

Today I've been at home, and I can't really recall what I did apart from flipping pancakes, having a really good lunch, singing and playing guitar, checking my results, drinking coffee, reading, and trying to get one of my nieces to laugh at me because after 3 months of not seeing each other, she looks at me without any expressions on her face.

I'm in the middle of five books, (eight if you count the other three that I read a bit and haven't been reading in a while) and it's a bit tricky to read at home. 

My results were unexpectedly okay (it's always the subject that you least expect to ace that somehow becomes the subject you score the highest) and although the grades aren't perfect, I'm quite surprised on how cool I am these days. I even managed to tell my dad that well nothing in this world is perfect (verbatim) and he said those grades are good enough, which is, well, surprising.

I'm not so obsessed with grades these days. It's funny. Because Mike said when you let go of all of the shit, you'll see that things will turn out fine (I can't remember his exact words though) but it's so true. But to remind myself next semester on what to do so that I don't freak out the week before finals, I guess I should try to recall what I really did and let's see if I can recycle those methods to achieve something similar next semester.

Wait, I don't think I did anything special. But I recall staying at the library for hours just to copy notes and not really trying to memorise them. Come to think of it, I don't think exams and grades really show how smart and pandai and bijak you are. Just like how I can't explain why the fuck I never scored any A's in Intec, I can't explain how the fuck I get A's in this uni. Does it all boil down to one important variable--mental health? Or luck? Or really how bijak you are? But it's two different things, these courses, so I can't really tell anything when my friends ask me how I get the grades that I get. It's really tricky, so every time someone asks me what grade did I get I freak out and don't know whether I should lie or tell the truth. Because I feel so berlagak when I say out that alphabet, and it makes me feel...dirty. Because I know how bad it feels when you're on the other side. People here look at me as if I've been scoring A's all my life but they don't know I was the second from the bottom in my previous class lol. But you can't explain stuffs like that to people. But it's still sad, cos they think they're all alone and I don't know what they're feeling. Amigo, I've been there, you want to say. But they won't believe you. 

Anyway that went emo real fast but I'm glad I've lived to experience being on both sides. It's a nice thing to think about, sometimes. It's like it gives you the licence to actually feel a legit understanding on other peoples situations, in a way. To explain that in easier words, well I used to tell my ex housemate that I'd buy Nick Vujicic's words but I'll find it harder to buy the words of a richass celebrity preacher who spews to you motivational shit every weekend. Like dude, what hardship did you face to give you the rights to tell me that I should do what you tell me to do? 

Again, sorry that went off topic a bit.

I completed something last night and it's a nice feeling because it was around 3am or something and then I realised I accomplished something on the first day of a new month. I'm not sure about telling about it or showing it to anyone, but I am really tempted to. The problem is I'm afraid it's not good enough and I'll receive some embarrassing feedback and that's going to surely stop me from going to the next step, which is the step. As in the step that's going to become the final verdict. And now the thing is literally under my bed, and I'm still not sure whether that step should be taken. I don't have much time to think about it, but there's this excited side of me that's really eager to bring this thing out to the world because I really love it and well, sort of proud of it. And that's why I'm afraid. Because most of the time you do stuffs and feel so proud of it but it's only you who thinks you did a good job. Anyway it's best not to think too much about it, I guess.

Well that's all. Highlight of today is: results and the thing that I completed. Boring life, boring life.

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