#37 Bye Bye Monster

Shut you in a luggage. Kicked you off the bus somewhere around Baki.

That's what I visualised.

...

When I woke up at 5 this morning I almost shut the alarm. I almost rolled back to sleep. But I knew I had to do it, I had to carry on with the plan, because if I didn't, I'd be cursing myself for things I've never done. I'd be living another week of 'what ifs', and I'll never know how much difference a little action can make.

No one knew about it. Except for three friends. And probably people who've read the previous post. No one in the family knew I actually did not have classes to attend. But I had to go at 5.30am, or else it would be obvious that I wasn't heading to class.

Capman never came. I thought of walking back home from the bus stop. Maybe it's a sign, I said to myself. But there's really no turning back. What would you do if you weren't afraid? I asked myself that question over and over again. The answer is simple. If I weren't afraid, I'd be carrying on with the plan, no matter what.

Grumpyman came at 6.20am. It's one of the rides I dislike the most. But at least I had a seat. At least I had a nap. At least it wasn't as dreadful as the previous rides.

Arrived at 7.30am sharp. Jalan Masjid. Half of the plan is conquered. No turning back. No where else to hang around in town at 7.30am. Either go back home disappointed with my own cowardice, or go ahead with the plan and shut the voices once and for all. Luck was on my side. Evergrinningman was there. Almost driving away. I ran out, off the air-cond bus, and straight away hopped on the old creaky bus. When is this bus leaving? I asked. Right now, he said. 

And I smiled a triumphant smile. This is really happening. If I was a minute late I'd miss this bus and probably needed to wait another hour for another creaky old bus. The mission is simple: Only board a creaky old bus. The monster can't be kicked out of an air-cond bus.

Picked an unfamiliar seat, away from everyone, behind everyone else. It's nice to view life from a place where people don't notice that you're observing.

The journey was refreshing. After witnessing same scenes outside bus windows for almost two years, it felt good, taking this unfamiliar route. Two hours. One hour filled with familiarity, but the final hour was really an adventure. Yes, there's nothing much to see. Green hills. Trees. Bushes. Individual houses. Junctions and lanes leading into villages. But the air was refreshing. The view was refreshing. The feeling was different. Proper highway, double lanes. Creaky old bus, speeding so insane. Wind was blowing through my hair. Cold air. Cold morning air. Misty. Alone, but not a single bit lonely. Nothing in my mind. No anger. No fear. Not disorientated for the first time this week. No earphones on. Another rule of the game. No songs, no nothing. No phone in hand, except for one or two pictures.

Saw the big durian from a distance. This is it, I said. I really did it.

Reaching another town is easy. All you need to do is sit. But getting out of the bus was something I needed to act brave about. I've been here, I've been here before. But I've never been at that exact spot where buses and humans and bags and boxes were all there. I tried to find a landmark. The hall. The toilet. 

After walking one full round.

Now what? I asked myself. I needed to blend in. Needed to pretend as if I'm familiar with the place. Needed to pretend I'm not lost.

But most important of all, I needed my breakfast.

So I headed to a shop recommended by two friends over WhatsApp. Mee Jawa is the thinggg there, they said. Try it, they said. So I walked there, and was greeted by an enthusiastic lady who made me feel welcomed right away. I instantly liked the place and felt comfortable sitting there alone. A grandma stared at me, eyes filled with genuine curiosity. I took my sweet sweet time. Didn't want the mee jawa to finish, but I was too full for a second plate. I didn't want to linger once I finished eating and drinking. 

Thought I could find a good place to sit while I think of what to do next. I walked around the market, pretending to be interested in some of the vegetables and kuih. I thought of my mum when I saw some really fresh vegetables and stuffs. Almost bought some sweet corn, but that would be a big giveaway. I'm not the kind of person who can keep secrets from my mum. I don't like lying to her. Lying and not telling anything are two different things altogether. So I walked away. But I wish she was there with me. I often see mums and daughters on bus rides together and sometimes I wish I can bring my mum for a bus adventure. It would be so relaxing for both of us. 

After sitting at a spot full of elderly people waiting for vans to return to their villages, I decided that it's probably time for me to leave. I had walked around the market for three times, entered the public toilet twice, and noon was approaching.

I checked the weather forecast yesterday. I'm a planner. Never been comfortable of unpredictable stuffs. It said there will be rain and thunderstorm in the evening. I didn't want to be stranded in an unfamiliar town in the rain at noon. I didn't ask for the creaky old bus schedule from Evergrinningman. 

The initial plan was to hop on another creaky old bus home. But I made my calculations. Last bus is at 5. The bus that I always hop on from college back home would arrive in Serian any minute from that moment I was sitting there calculating. I didn't want to bump into the Ironedshirtman after the weird question I asked him two days ago. And I don't want him to think I'm running away from home or escaping classes, because I suspect he knows I'm a student who boards his bus weekly to go home from college. Heck, he even remembers my stop. Hence I obviously didn't want to board his bus from Serian back home although it's a creaky old bus, which fits the rules of my mission. I hate myself for thinking as if people care that much, but it's good to be safe and blend in as normal people when you see someone regularly.

But there was really no other option. It's either that, or hop on that air-cond bus that was about to make a move, or wait for another few hours after Ironedshirtman leaves. And even after Ironedshirtman leaves, I'm not entirely sure whether there would be any more old creaky buses coming down to Kuching.

And Grumpyman was parked directly next to this bus that I had boarded. 

Damn weird, because I'd make myself appear like a weirdo if I hop on that bus. Reason number 1, I could've just straight away go to Serian from home without hopping on a 6am ride to Jalan Masjid. Reason number 2, this is a driver I need to see every week, there's really no running away because he's the only consistent early morning driver so when I need to go to 8am classes he's the only one who can drive me there. I really don't want to make him wonder how on earth am I at Serian when it was just a few hours ago I boarded his bus heading towards the opposite direction?

So I accepted the fact that plans fail and trains derail, and the day's been good enough. I really couldn't ask for anything more. 

While waiting for the bus to move, Ironedshirtman really arrived as calculated, and I tried my best to hide myself. 

I like the atmosphere of the ride from Serian. Serian is basically filled with elderly people, and everyone appears harmless. I know that's a broad generalisation and is a very dangerous thing to do―categorising people as entirely harmless. But you get what I mean. I was more comfortable of walking alone around that small town compared to walking alone in Jalan Masjid. Before the bus made a move, an uncle sold buns and everyone was talkative and friendly to him. He sold quite a lot, but I didn't buy any because I really didn't feel like eating anything or carrying anything home.

Thankfully the driver of this ride was no one familiar. The journey seemed short. Along the way, I thought less about myself but more of the people around me―how difficult it is for them to ride buses and get off from buses. Individual houses are scattered, and little lanes or junctions leading to villages and groups of houses are everywhere. When bells are pressed, it doesn't mean that the passengers want the bus to stop at the bus stop, sometimes. Walking back, or walking an extra twenty to fifty steps further is almost always required. And when the bus stopped to drop off passengers, sometimes it's like in the middle of nowhere. And some places don't have bus stops, so people waited by the roadside to stop the bus. What if it rains? 

Uncle selling buns.

I pressed my bell too early, and ended up needing to walk some extra steps before crossing an almost impossible to cross road. I mean, wow, it's so much easier to cross the other way round than in that direction, and that sort of puzzles me. It's the same road, but the other direction is easier. 

I reached home safely. I've proven myself wrong once again. And every single time I prove myself wrong, I feel damn good to stay alive. 

Which is why I chose to do this today. I know, it's not a big achievement. But it means something huge to me. This idea alone scared me. But now I've done it, and there's really no reason for me to stop doing it if I need to do it again. 

The price for an 'adventure'.

In the end, anything can be called an adventure, I guess. This is my adventure today. This is what kept the monster away, at least for now. He might do some catching up soon, but it's great that at least now I'm ahead of him. I know some tricks. I know what will work and what will not work. Sleep doesn't work, I've tried that and it made me even more disorientated. I wish I knew this earlier. But it's ok, now I know what I'm supposed to know.