Why So Emo?

Whenever I recover from emoness I would finally realise how silly it looks like when you have mild depression and start posting chronic emo entries in your blog. That's why I choose blog, not facebook status. On blog, you can go deep, feel it and reflect about it. Or maybe I should start back writing on a proper diary. Whatever. Either way, it still looks silly. But hey, isn't that part of growing up?

This entry is not going to go anywhere, because I don't know why I ended up here.

Since it's father's day today, I guess my dad deserves some spot in this entry. Haha. (Oh my, I am laughing...). Anyway, yeah, this semester break I've been thinking so much till the point that I actually feel thankful on the way how my dad raised me. I'm not a daddy's girl and at the age of 19 I'm glad I can laugh at that fact. I think the fact that we have so many similarities made us rather incompatible. During my early teen years, I never really understood him. Everything seemed to be so serious back then. I was like super emo. But then college life thought me something I could never had imagine.

There was once during this semester break that I felt like giving him a hug but then I didn't, because that's not what we normally do. But yeah, I don't know when will I have the guts to tell my dad that I love him and I appreciate all that he's been doing in my life. For that very same reason, I'm trying my best to do the best in what I'm studying now, you see, dads often visualise about the future and I would never want to let him down. 

I wish he would come across this entry but that's a very slim chance as he doesn't go blogwalking, so yeah, you who is reading will have the responsibility to tell him about this if anything happens to me in the future. Haha.

Anyway, this break this ending soon and despite the emo moments, there are some good things to think about. I managed to finish a book I recently bought for 70% discount and I'm quite happy that at last I managed to properly finish reading something because it was super good. I've also changed my travel guitar's strings and I'm happy that they don't buzz. 

But but but..I still haven't finished my issue report and that's super embarrassing, especially realising that perhaps I'm the only one who's still procrastinating while others have finished it long time ago.

Ah, it feels good when you make a blog post sound so happy. :D

I Think I'm Angry

I haven't been angry with someone for a very long time.

The last time I couldn't look into someone's eyes because of anger was many years ago.

So I thought I've changed.

So I thought I've learnt a lot.

I'm searching for the word forgiveness in my heart, I know it's there, but I also know it's just me who's unwilling to let it out.

I know I'm the wrong one here for being unforgiving.

And I'm that very same person who asks for forgiveness from God.

Grow up, Fee. Grow up.

When the Feeler Thinks and the Thinker Feels

Perhaps I spent so much time on the road or maybe it's just because so many things happened lately, I see myself in a situation where I am constantly thinking of the things I shouldn't bother about. Or maybe I should. Who knows.

While appearing to be quite open about my problems and struggles which I often vomit out on this blog, I still enjoy being vague and being careful of not telling too much, but you see, if I write it down on paper, there's a huge possibility that people will read what they are not supposed to know, and if I write it in a password protected area or something similar to that, my thoughts will remain stagnant there, so here I am, often choosing this blog as a medium to channel my thoughts because at least someone (who I don't know who's reading) will at least know that there is one human being having this way of thinking and you might find that maybe you agree with me. Or maybe not, well that depends on you. 

I don't know why I am burdening myself with some questions lately.

But I like it. I like finding answers. I like questioning about things. I am often sceptical. Although I like receiving clear instructions and following structured procedures, my mind is often rebellious. I don't agree much with a lot of things. When I appear to be silent, my mind is sometimes full of arguments. I like thinking, I like it as much as I like feeling about things.

So here goes the main question of mine.

Wait, some background introduction.

Semester break. My principles are tested. Or maybe it's just me who's thinking and feeling too much.

Tell me. Why do human beings tend to see other people's mistakes while it is understood that all people sin? I'm asking in the point of view of the one who sees the mistake. Like...you see something wrong, and you're not sure whether you are being judgemental or what, but you have this little feeling of saying to yourself, "I don't want to see myself committing that very same mistake", while the truth is you can never know whether you are going to change in the future, like...maybe you are bound to do the same thing too?

And very often you want to take your stand and do what's right, but there is so much pressure for you to blend in with the normal people. You laugh along, but you know it's wrong. But you did so because you don't want others to label you as being holy or pretentious or snobbish. I want to be different. I see nothing wrong in it, and I think so far (forget about the future) I can handle it because I am not alone, but there is another thing which bothers me very much, it makes me hurt.

Call me dramatic or whatever, I am just being honest. Someone needs to know this. At least. Because maybe you too, are having this struggle.

I'm sad to see some wrong things around me and I can't even do a single thing to make things better. And I know very much that I do wrong things too. That's why I'm questioning too much tonight. I see those who I love do things that I think are not right, but at the same time I know I'm not perfect either, so how is this whole thing supposed to be? Just turn a blind eye? Or try to correct the situation? With the knowledge that you, as well, are not perfect? 

I'm not trying to act good, or maybe I am, but the reason I am thinking of these things is because I can't stand not doing anything when I think I am capable of, at least, sharing some of my opinion about what I think is correct. 

I don't only feel, I think.

And I wonder am I the only one who thinks too much?

Alive and Fighting

Dramatic title.

Just kidding. Well yes I'm tired depressed happy emo full of inspiration and bla bla bla for being away from the internet for another 5 days, I know that sounds like a whole mixture of feelings but yeah that describes me best right now.

Working on a song, almost finished.

When I write a song, I'm either too happy, or somehow emo. Or sometimes in between.

Talk more next time.

I

I will never let you shed a single tear again.

I know I'm not good in keeping promises, but I don't want to see you like this.

You know what? I'm glad I'm different.

I'm glad I'm sensitive.

Because only because of my sensitivity

because of my weakness

because how I think of what others think

I know, I will never want to see you like that anymore.

I'm not perfect.

I may act silly.

I have my own failures.

But I least I have a heart. A heart that is sensitive enough to not hurt someone who loves you more than anything else.

And I thank God for my heart.

I want you to see God in your heart too.

I do not have the rights to judge
but please, why can't you have a little heart?