After September

What kind of human being forgets that after September..

...actually comes October, and not November?

I woke up this morning only to realise the fact that for many weeks, my brain has been telling me that next month will be November.

Rain

Just one day after receiving a phone call from my Ethics lecturer (yes..I thought I needed to point out the fact that she's a she, and she taught me in my second semester, in a combined class, and she remembered me for I-don't-know-why, because she never really ever crossed my mind), I'm in this depths of agony once again despite the clear reminder of not to give up at this early stage.

I mean, man, what kind of human being can wait in silence without having the slightest idea on when a news is going to finally break, and whether that news will be good, or not as imagined. 

I seriously learnt to become patient during the past two years. I mean the waiting kind of patient. Literally, not metaphorically. Like waiting for food, or in a bank, or in a post office, or airport. Waiting for something that you can see is of course a thousand times easier than waiting for an abstract thing, a thing that will determine your future, and you don't even know what's going on in the other side of the story, the side that can't be seen, the side where you actually can't do anything else but wait.

Rain, rain, go away, come again another day.

Or just please don't ever come again in my life.

Sand Grain

Just when I thought I was merely a sand grain in intec, a phone call this afternoon made me rethink that perhaps my existence did carry a meaning and I wasn't just a face in the crowd.

"I saw your name in the list of those who didn't make it. How are you doing right now?"

When a lecturer remembers you despite your failures, and tells you to not give up, man, at that instant I feel like running to university and work twice as hard as I did.

Life goes on...

...and the anxious wait still goes on.

Dear Brain

Dear brain, what happened to you?

Nowadays I find myself having weird thoughts. Not weird thoughts like dressing in black and starting a stabbing spree. Or imagining flying colourful cats and things similar to that.

It's more like having the thoughts I never really focused on before this.

I sit in the car and see guys in scruffy jeans and faded t-shirts and wonder if they're walking along that grassy area by the street filled with a lot of regrets in their minds, or are they happy enough to be able to live.

I go to the supermarket and see women in their 30s working as cashiers and I wonder how lovely it is to live by doing a job that makes you contented and happy enough.

I sit in church and wonder at that moment, hundreds of kids across the world are being bombed, or die of hunger, or don't even have a roof above their heads.

I wonder how is it really like, to live in the streets in/on cardboard boxes.

I hear my cat meowing, asking for food, and I wonder how does it feel like to be a hungry cat.

I sit in my bedroom, typing this out, listening to the raindrops and watch it subside, and start to wonder that this is perhaps the second time in four or five months I live to see a rainy Sunday morning.

I re-evaluated my thoughts, and only managed to get one good thing out of it. Perhaps life is too short to be filled with regrets. 

And I wonder, perhaps I'm too free, or perhaps my brain is no longer normal like how it used to be..

From Me, to All of You

This song still brings tears to my eyes. I hate goodbyes. Because all my life, I never had friends who grew up together with me, still walking hand-in-hand in every stage of my life. It was always distance that grew us apart.

Tomorrow my UCD friends will be leaving. Then those to Ukrida. Then Manipal. Then RCSI. 

But no matter what, I tell myself that perhaps this is a blessing in disguise. It will take time for me to stop thinking that we're scattered all over the globe, and above all, this song really tells what my heart has to say to each of them, who made my past two years a time worth remembering.

วันวานวันที่แสนเหนื่อย เรานั่นเคยทุกข์ทนด้วยกัน 

Wan waan wan tee saen neuay Rao nan keui took ton duay gan. 

Yesterdays…were extremely tiring days. We had endured hardship together. 

มีน้ำตาและมีรอยยิ้มเดียวกัน 

Mee nam data lae mee roy yim dieow gan 

There were tears and also smiles. 

เราเคยกอดคอร้องไห้ มีมากมายที่เราพลาดไป 

Rao keui got ko rong-hai Mee maak maai tee rao plaad bpai 

We have cried on each others’ shoulders. There were a lot of mistakes that we’ve made. 

อยากตามฝันแต่ไม่รู้ว่าอยู่ตรงไหน 

Yaak dtaam fan dtae mai roo waa yoo dtrong nai 

We desire to follow our dreams, but we don’t know where they are. 

*แต่ใจเรารู้ ว่าเราเกิดมาเพื่อลำบาก 

Dtae jai rao roo Waa rao gert maa puea lam-baak 

But in our hearts, we know that we were born into hardship. 

อยากเป็นดั่งฝันต้องสู้ไป 

Yaak bpen dang fan dtong su pai 

If we want to live out our dreams, we must fight on. 

จากกันวันนี้ ขอให้เราเป็นเหมือนดังเก่า 

Jaak gan wan nee Kor hai rao bpen meuan dang gao 

If we separate today, please let us be the same like in the past. 

เก็บความฝันเราเก็บเอาไว้ 

Gep kwaam fan rao gep ao wai 

Keep our dreams, don’t lose them. 

**โชคดี เพื่อนคงจะเจอ ทุกสิ่งที่ดี ที่เคยฝันไว้ 

Choke dee, peuan kong ja jer took sing tee dee, tee keui fan wai 

Good luck my friend, may you meet everything good which you’ve dreamt of. 

จะไม่ลืม วันนี้ไปจนวันตาย แล้วเจอกันใหม่ เพื่อนเอย 

Ja mai leum wan nee bpai jon wan dtaai Laew jer gan maai peuan eui 

I’ll never forget this day until the day I die. Till we meet again, my friend. 

โชคดีเพื่อนคงจะเจอ ทุกสิ่งที่ดี ที่เคยฝันไว้ 

Choke dee, peuan kong ja jer took sing tee dee, tee keui fan wai 

Good luck my friend, may you meet everything good which you’ve dreamt of. 

จะไม่ลืมวันนี้ไปจนวันตาย แล้วเจอกันใหม่เพื่อนเอย (เพื่อนเอย.....) 

Ja mai leum wan nee bpai jon wan dtaai Laew jer gan maai peuan eui (Peuan eui..) 

I’ll never forget this day until the day I die. Till we meet again, my friend. (My friend…) 

วันวานหากยอมแพ้พ่าย ความหวังเราก็คงสิ้นไป 

Wan waan hahk yorm pae paai Kwahm wang rao gor kong sin bpai 

Yesterday, if we gave up, our hopes might end as well. 

หมดความหวังและชีวิตคงหมดความหมาย

Moht kwahm wang, lae cheewit kong moht kwahm maai 

Without hope, our lives would become meaningless. 

 ______________________________ 

Back in a few years ago, I thought I could dedicate this to my friends in high school. But now, I realise we never really had extremely tiring days. We never endured hardship together. We never cried on each others' shoulders. 

So this one, this time, I dedicate to you guys who have allowed me to cry on your shoulders for so many times.