Pain

Cry only if it makes you feel better. If it makes you feel worse, brush off your tears, no matter how much it hurts.

I used to cry until I fell asleep just to make me feel better.

But now, whenever I cry, it only makes me feel worse. I decided I should stop being so weak. And somewhere along the line, I find myself trying to learn to stand up for myself and not putting myself into a place where my emotions become to vulnerable.

Nobody gets it. Being in this situation isn't always depressing. I'm happy that I'm breathing, that wherever I walk around this area, I still see people who smile and say hi to me. I still enjoy the breeze, laugh with my housemates, enjoy my studies and feel motivated occasionally.

But then little things are always trying to bring me down. Like the terrible Bio test this morning. Like my thoughts about the past, and my future. Like how I don't know to who should I run to, although I know, I refuse to, because I just don't see the point.

I can't believe I've been living in this cycle for almost two years now. I haven't seen anything coming out from it. I haven't seen what lesson am I supposed to learn from it. All of a sudden, all those sympathetic remarks, encouragement, heart-to-heart talks become nothing but mere jokes, which come and go the same like seasons that pass by.

I'm not asking for much. Or perhaps I am.

I just want to get out of this place one day without any regrets.

Is it so hard to understand? 

Sometimes I wished someone would never give up on me, just like Minami Sensei in My Boss My Hero, scolding and pushing Makky to the point that he enjoyed his schooldays and studies. But I came to realise that life is not like movies or dramas, and most of the time, it's only you who will have to whisper to yourself to carry on even when things are so confusing and you feel like giving up.

I am very disappointed about my Bio, I really am. Because I tried hard. And when you try too hard, yet see nothing, it sucks. It's like everything that you do goes to waste. Not only in studies, but in so many other things as well. You don't really want to talk about it, but you can't help to not whine again about it.

Shut up Fee, who said it's hard? Don't talk too much.