Midnight Musings #3

It rains everyday here.

Nights are extremely cold. Every morning I wake up seeing that sunshine through my window. Then in a short while, dark clouds appear, raindrops follow, and occasionally, I hear thunder.

Just like my life.

Sometimes I wake up feeling nothing, no sense of excitement I used to have. In this stage of life, nothing seems to amuse me anymore. I anticipate for nothing, for I know sometimes anticipation will only bring disappointment. And I appreciate the fact that I feel nothing, rather than feeling that occasional tinge of regret that makes me feel tired of living for nothing.

Some nights I would stare at the ceiling, and ask myself, why did I let that three hundred thousand bucks and a once in a lifetime opportunity slip away from my hands.

Then I ask myself again, perhaps it wasn't in my hands in the first place.

To be 20 years old and not having to discover the purpose of life is something I can't stand going through. I was once ambitious, constantly aiming for goals I never imagined I could achieve. Yet, until now, I'm afraid I don't quite know my identity any longer.

Part of me is happy that this stage of my life will mean that I'll accept more criticism than expectation, after all the years of gaining confidence through academics. Yes, I admit, in the past, I never saw any worth in me apart from my academic abilities. But when that only source of confidence was taken away from me, I begin to see how harmful it was to place my price and pride on something so temporary, so uncertain.

Nonetheless, life still goes on no matter what, no matter how huge the resentment I carry inside of me towards a few people who were once there in the picture, no matter how bitter it is to forget something I can't forget, for it has shaped me into the person I am today. After all the calculations, yes, I am going to graduate perhaps a year or two later than my peers, yes, I am not going to pursue the career I once dreamt of, and yes, I wasted the chance to live in a country so foreign, a place which would be impossible for me to stay in if not through this one and only chance.

But the things I get in turn?

I'll be spending most of my twenties at home, with my parents. I'll (probably) enrol in a university to study a course which will give me enough time to decide about my future career. I'll meet new lecturers and friends (and people who won't like me) along the way. I'll perhaps do better in my studies compared to what I've been achieving in the past two years. I'll learn how to manage stress well based on my experience in the past. And if it's God's will, I can maybe restore my ambition of studying abroad, this time, perhaps in a special place I've been keeping in my heart all these while.

I taste disappointment, I feel anger. I hate some people as much as I love some. And in the midst of disappointment, I've learnt one important lesson, prayers are not always answered in an instance. Sometimes we'll have to endure something we thought we could never handle. Most of the time, it involves patience. And as cliché as it sounds, everything happens for a reason.

What happened at this stage, I may not know what blessing it may bring, but I am sure there is at least a significant one, perhaps overlooked, or perhaps not clearly seen yet.

"Fall seven times and stand up eight."

My life in INTEC was, after all, a finished attempt. At least I can tell myself one day that I've tried, I've walked that path till the end. The end was unpleasant, but to be very honest, the journey was perhaps the best two years of my teenage years, despite the gruelling days of finding my identity and juggling hopes, responsibilities and faith. I have yet to find the full answers to my questions, for it is perhaps an unending quest. But one thing's for sure, I am not quitting anytime soon.