Major Blog Surgery

I'm tired of gettin' blue..so I changed everything to white.

Just thought that the old bluey background may appear quite immature for a twenty year-old. And I guess now I want to keep things to appear simple, which is, by my definition, apparently by presenting everything in black and white. I know it looks rather naked, and I'm going to take a lot of time to adapt with this (believe me I don't adapt well in most situations, which reminds me of a topic in my Bio textbook which says ADAPT OR DIE).

Not sure whether I'm going to regret this decision, but so far I'm OK of keeping this blog as simple as this. It kind of gives me a diary-ish kind of feeling, which I don't know whether is good or bad.

Anyway just in case it gave you the shock of your lifetime, worry not, you're viewing the correct blog, and even if it appears to be uglier than before, well, shooh shooh shhh. Don't tell me it's ugly. Let's just pretend it looks better? Thank youuuu.

I should be sleeping...

Musings of a Loner (Part 2)

I know it's almost 4am. I know this is pointless and I should be sleeping. I know.

Yesterday for the first time I slept at 10pm since the day I returned home. It was due to one reason so easy to guess: I almost got a fever and my head felt like exploding. So I had to sacrifice a night without AstroPop (I'm still stuck at Level 41, sheesh) and lie down with my sweater on, lights on, and for the first time at night, laptop off.

I got miraculously better this morning, waking up to the feeling of hunger as usual. Yet I still couldn't forget what happened in my dreams last night. I think I'm not going to ever sleep early again these coming few weeks if sleeping early means I'll be getting more nightmares.

I was on resultsplusdirect, checking my results and everything felt so real. I saw the results of my unit papers and managed to have a brief flash of grades in front of my eyes. I got a lot of A's for Bio (Hurray?) but then the other subjects showed a lot of D's. I was already on the verge of breaking down when I suddenly heard my mum's voice...

asking me why am I sleeping with the lights on, pillows all over the place, and "you should not wear your sweater to sleeeeeep!" and "WHY ARE YOU PANTING?". Too many questions, but I was glad she woke me up before I actually saw the real overall grades, although to be honest if it were to happen, the whole thing doesn't really look good.

I can't stop thinking of it and that's why I'm here in the wee hours of the morning. I've been blogwalking. Reading about people's experiences when getting to know that their results didn't enable them to fly. And listening to Westlife at the same time, which makes it hard for me to define my state of emotion.

I mean, heck, screw society and nosey people and pressure from family members - blood related or church related. To be honest if I lived on an island, I would care less on where my future brings me to. I wouldn't be bothered much to think about what I want to do in my life. I would just love to float like a bubble with an ukulele, dancing to a hawaiian beat. Then burst and vanish. But I know I can't. Gosh what am I talking about. *Forgive me for using heck, screw, and gosh. I know what do they mean. Don't hate me for using them.

Anyway I'm not sure whether I'm emo or what but I do think I'm trying to be funny, which is silly, because I know the future is going to be based on the consequences of my actions. Sometimes I do hope that last time I wasn't so naive to allow my principles to be crushed so easily by my new environment and the shock of meeting nice people..because deep down I'm far from nice. Lol. 

Don't worry, I don't know what is this all about. Let's have some tea.

* I reread this and felt uneasy with the usage of some mild cursings. Maybe I was drunk when I wrote that. However since it's already published, I won't hide that dark side of mine. Will be careful with my word selection in the future , promise.

Musings of a Loner

I think I can already start a series of blog entries with the same title.

I've been sneezing uncontrollably since this morning and it's been raining heavily in my place. You know that this kind of weather will make loneliness even harder to endure. Gosh, why am I writing something like a 90's love song lyrics. This is day-I-don't-know since I last stepped out of the house. I'm longing for an activity that makes me happy and healthy at the same time, like basketball, which I used to play a lot last month. I don't have a hoop and not even a court here, so I guess I shouldn't be complaining much.

Playing guitar has been so plain since I haven't been learning anything new. It's funny, when I have basketball and no guitar, I missed my guitar so much. Now that I have my guitar, but no basketball, I miss basketball even more that I missed my guitar. I guess that's the point. We just can't have it all at once.

And I've installed games on my laptop, contrary to my former intentions of keeping my laptop pure from any sorts of distractions. It's only been 2 days, I've reached level 41 in AstroPop, I'm stuck and have been repeating the same level over and over again I don't even feel like continuing to play anymore.

I actually don't really love these kind of posts of useless updates so maybe I'll try to think of something, some sort of reflective writing next time because at least it will be not so pointless.

In an unrelated matter, I have this weird feeling of annoyance that someone on facebook keeps on liking everything that I post, which is..actually awkward. Don't worry, it's none of you guys who are reading (just in case there are people reading this). I mean, we don't even talk and know each other (she's an ex to my friend - was his girlfriend when she added me), and yet she likes/liked everything, I mean every single status update. It gives me the impression that she thinks I'm merely fishing for likes when I post stuff, which is, to a large extent, actually incorrect. I'm considering of removing her from my friend list but I haven't, which makes me feel mean but nice at the same time. I really don't understand myself.

In another unrelated matter, I'm currently halfway through a novel which its main character has the same name with me. And she's a detective, which makes the whole thing cool.

Loner

My social life has been so dead since the day I returned home.

I've been growing up here  in this neighbourhood for 11 years without any friends. I mean, well, I can't blame anyone. It's partly my fault as well for being too choosy. I had Sunday school friends who I got along pretty well with, but as I grew up I found that I just don't feel I belong to their group. All these while my friends are those who go to the same class with me in school. Or maybe I should use past tense in that context.

My mum is worried because I don't like mixing with people. She said it's important to know how to get along with people and to not be a snob. (Note: People often think those who avoid the crowd are snobs). It's not that I want to be a snob, but I just hate being in a crowd of fakers. I'd rather have no relationship at all than having a fake one.

After church I would sneak into the car and avoid the 'fellowship' after service because I don't know how to talk to people. What's so wrong about that?

Ironically, in INTEC, I think I had friends. I mean okay, that sounds wrong. I mean I have friends. I found so many people with common interests with me, unlike for the past few years where I struggled to fit in. I always wanted friends who can talk with me about the things I love talking about, not the things I struggle to comprehend and pretend to be interested in. 

And now, my chapter in INTEC has ended and I'm not sure whether I'm going to meet amazing friends in the future. I'm not sure whether I can retain my friendship with those who I call amazing because the truth is I can count in one hand the number of friends I still keep in touch with since high school. I don't blame them completely because I'm the lazy type when it comes to friendship. I can be a loyal friend but I don't take the effort. So when I do, it does mean something. It means you have a special spot. 

I've been sleeping so much I feel so sick. And I've been missing so many friends who are currently doing better things that me. I wish I can turn back time, sometimes.

Fee Reads...(#1)

So I told you I was about to start this reading programme for myself this holiday. I successfully finished a book last night (being able to finish one is rare, trust me) and the book wassssssss....

The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

OK, stop giving me that look. I know what you're thinking of, especially if you too have read the book. And if I tell you I gave it a four out of a five, hahahah, just don't give me that look. I actually like it very much.

A few months ago my classmate warned me to better not read it because it contains too much..too much..well you know what I'm talking about, don't you? Skipping that part (yes I admit my classmate was right), I actually love a lot of things about the book.

First of all I love the way Charlie observes and thinks about stuffs. Then I think I mentioned this before, my preferences on books is heavily determined by my feelings after I finish reading the whole thing, like how you feel that weird awwwww feeling when everything has ended. So far, there are only some books that made me feel that way, and the best was John Grisham's "A Painted House" which I read last semester.

Back to this one, well I have to admit it gave me that feeling too when I was reading it near the ending. So I decided to give it 4/5 stars.

Now I'm having a hard time deciding what to read next. It's either The Catcher in the Rye or Midnight's Children. I'll get back here soon to write Fee Reads...(#2), well, hopefully.