Loner

My social life has been so dead since the day I returned home.

I've been growing up here  in this neighbourhood for 11 years without any friends. I mean, well, I can't blame anyone. It's partly my fault as well for being too choosy. I had Sunday school friends who I got along pretty well with, but as I grew up I found that I just don't feel I belong to their group. All these while my friends are those who go to the same class with me in school. Or maybe I should use past tense in that context.

My mum is worried because I don't like mixing with people. She said it's important to know how to get along with people and to not be a snob. (Note: People often think those who avoid the crowd are snobs). It's not that I want to be a snob, but I just hate being in a crowd of fakers. I'd rather have no relationship at all than having a fake one.

After church I would sneak into the car and avoid the 'fellowship' after service because I don't know how to talk to people. What's so wrong about that?

Ironically, in INTEC, I think I had friends. I mean okay, that sounds wrong. I mean I have friends. I found so many people with common interests with me, unlike for the past few years where I struggled to fit in. I always wanted friends who can talk with me about the things I love talking about, not the things I struggle to comprehend and pretend to be interested in. 

And now, my chapter in INTEC has ended and I'm not sure whether I'm going to meet amazing friends in the future. I'm not sure whether I can retain my friendship with those who I call amazing because the truth is I can count in one hand the number of friends I still keep in touch with since high school. I don't blame them completely because I'm the lazy type when it comes to friendship. I can be a loyal friend but I don't take the effort. So when I do, it does mean something. It means you have a special spot. 

I've been sleeping so much I feel so sick. And I've been missing so many friends who are currently doing better things that me. I wish I can turn back time, sometimes.