Musings of a Loner (Part 2)

I know it's almost 4am. I know this is pointless and I should be sleeping. I know.

Yesterday for the first time I slept at 10pm since the day I returned home. It was due to one reason so easy to guess: I almost got a fever and my head felt like exploding. So I had to sacrifice a night without AstroPop (I'm still stuck at Level 41, sheesh) and lie down with my sweater on, lights on, and for the first time at night, laptop off.

I got miraculously better this morning, waking up to the feeling of hunger as usual. Yet I still couldn't forget what happened in my dreams last night. I think I'm not going to ever sleep early again these coming few weeks if sleeping early means I'll be getting more nightmares.

I was on resultsplusdirect, checking my results and everything felt so real. I saw the results of my unit papers and managed to have a brief flash of grades in front of my eyes. I got a lot of A's for Bio (Hurray?) but then the other subjects showed a lot of D's. I was already on the verge of breaking down when I suddenly heard my mum's voice...

asking me why am I sleeping with the lights on, pillows all over the place, and "you should not wear your sweater to sleeeeeep!" and "WHY ARE YOU PANTING?". Too many questions, but I was glad she woke me up before I actually saw the real overall grades, although to be honest if it were to happen, the whole thing doesn't really look good.

I can't stop thinking of it and that's why I'm here in the wee hours of the morning. I've been blogwalking. Reading about people's experiences when getting to know that their results didn't enable them to fly. And listening to Westlife at the same time, which makes it hard for me to define my state of emotion.

I mean, heck, screw society and nosey people and pressure from family members - blood related or church related. To be honest if I lived on an island, I would care less on where my future brings me to. I wouldn't be bothered much to think about what I want to do in my life. I would just love to float like a bubble with an ukulele, dancing to a hawaiian beat. Then burst and vanish. But I know I can't. Gosh what am I talking about. *Forgive me for using heck, screw, and gosh. I know what do they mean. Don't hate me for using them.

Anyway I'm not sure whether I'm emo or what but I do think I'm trying to be funny, which is silly, because I know the future is going to be based on the consequences of my actions. Sometimes I do hope that last time I wasn't so naive to allow my principles to be crushed so easily by my new environment and the shock of meeting nice people..because deep down I'm far from nice. Lol. 

Don't worry, I don't know what is this all about. Let's have some tea.

* I reread this and felt uneasy with the usage of some mild cursings. Maybe I was drunk when I wrote that. However since it's already published, I won't hide that dark side of mine. Will be careful with my word selection in the future , promise.