Day 5

It's day 5 already but I haven't accomplished anything significant, I've broke some of my promises, and I can feel that I'm changing back to the Mr. Hyde side of me. So in order to keep myself on the right track, I would just like to make a promise here so that I'll feel guilty if I happen to break any in the future. And I'm going to state my plans and goals for this very short break as well, so that I'll be ashamed of myself if I fail to complete or achieve them.

Goals/Promises/Plans:

I, Fee A, hereby promise that I will try to..

1. Control myself from facebooking and youtubing too much.

2. Control myself from sleeping/lazing around/playing guitar too much.

3. Spend money wisely during this break, avoid buying unnecessary stuffs.

4. Starting from tomorrow (Monday, 14th May 2012), I will try to sleep at 12 and wake up at 6 to STUDY.

5. After some time, I will try to wake up at 5.30am, or 5am, then 4.30am to STUDY.

6. Finish revising everything by the time I have to return to Akasia.

7. Finish my research for Bio Unit 3 at least before going back to grandparents' place for Gawai.

8. Complete my Unit 3 in time.

9. Gain wait.

10. Understand the topics that I never seemed to understand in the past semesters.

Ah. I am serious about these things, but I don't know what's going happen to me in the weeks to come. One good friend of mine said that the first step is always the hardest, but I really want to succeed. I seriously don't want to waste my past effort. Reading back my journal made me realise that I used to be so motivated in the past, and I just don't know what has happened to me.

So basically from now on I guess I will be blogging less, just like what I have done before SPM. Facebook and 9gag will be a place where I drop by occasionally, hopefully. I know if I want to see myself change for the better, I must be able to sacrifice these kind of things. Well, it's easier said than done, so wish me luck on that.

I developed my second sem photos yesterday and kept them nicely in my new album. My next goal is to get myself a decent digital camera using some cash I've been keeping for decades. Not sure whether it's a wise thing to do or not. Problem with me is that when I really want something that I know I'm capable of getting without the help from my parents, I seldom think twice about it. Wisdom needed here. 

Today's mother's day, as we all know - and I find myself in a situation where I can't seem to tell my mum that I love her or even say "happy mother's day". All these while I thought I'm really good in expressing feelings, but now I realise that I don't really know how to express my feelings verbally. Writing out things is far easier, I guess. I used to think that my dad never cared about my birthday when he didn't wish me, but now, seeing myself in almost the same situation, I come to a conclusion whereby it's not what we say that counts the most, but it's what we do. It's that awkward feeling that prevents me from telling my parents that I love them, so maybe I got some of those traits from my dad, who knows. I just can't do it because it's awkward. So...if I die young (heh), I guess you readers will have to take the responsibility to tell my mum that I once blogged about this here. I love my mum and she's one of the reasons I'm pushing myself even when I feel like giving up sometimes. I just want to make her happy. I still remember when I first entered boarding school in Form 1, I cried because I couldn't stop thinking of her, and not my home or my other family members. Although she's strict at times (like when I can't get up in the morning for church), it's all for good reasons, and I know she cares a lot for me. Because of that, I am where I am now, and I am indeed grateful for that.

Ending my post tonight, I just want to say that I really want to change during this sem break, even though it's hard, I know it's worth a try. I don't want to live a life full of regrets, knowing that I'm actually capable but the unwillingness prevented me from achieving what I can achieve.

"I'd rather do nothing than doing something out of terpaksa-ness?"

Nah, I kill that philosophy/principle now. I will need to force myself if I want to grow up.