Money

I hate to grumble about money, but this is exploding inside me.

Sent a picture of my damaged guitar to a local music store exactly one year after purchasing it (not from the same shop). I asked how much would it cost to fix the damage. The answer was not so shocking, but definitely something I wouldn't want to hear, (a) because it's almost the same price with the guitar itself, and (b) I wouldn't want to spend that amount of money on something I'm not very sure of.

Approximate cost will be RM 150. Very affordable for most of us. You see, sometimes our biggest lie is that we keep on saying we don't have money. But that biggest lie is somehow, sometimes true.

I have a piggy bank that I kept since Form 1. But I  just can't bring myself to spend something that I had thriftily saved day by day, week by week from my daily pocket money which I almost never touched when I was in my early secondary school days. I hate college. (a) because it took away my true self, the one that knew I shouldn't be spending like a rich kid and (b) because I spent money more than I study during these past one and a half year I've been away from home.

I'm not crazy for money, no I'm not. 

I pretty much know as well that even when you have tonnes of money, you're not necessarily happy. But my personal opinion on how money can buy happiness has never ever changed, to be honest.

You have money, you get to eat. You get to buy stuffs. 

I know it sounds (very) immature.

As for my guitar, I don't know. Never had enough to bring one into the house in the first place anyway.

It was just me who always wanted one because it makes me happy. And I got my second one because the first one was barely playable. That was after four years of patience, and those who heard the story about it knows how did I eventually got one. I stole it. Just kidding. And the third because I needed a travel guitar which is durable/small/light enough to be stuffed into the overhead compartment of an airplane.

Quoting from a song by Silly Fools,
"It's hard when nothing is ever enough"

Well. That's kinda true. Especially when it comes to money matters.

"You even need money to enter a toilet", that's what someone mentioned to me not long ago.

Funny

Hi. Another late-night post. I know.

Haven't been sleeping well for the past 2 weeks. Can't get myself to sleep early. And it in the end makes me think too much.

2012 is coming to its end very soon.

Throughout this year, I've been thinking too much about growing up. About how I should behave as a 19-year-old. About how I should get rid of my immaturity and start being wise whenever being challenged to be wise. I guess it's normal. You come to an age when you experience so many new things, mingle around with so many matured people, you just want to be like them.

Just a few seconds ago, it struck me that perhaps all these while I've been trying too hard to grow up, not knowing that it won't come as fast as I always thought it would be. 

Just a few weeks ago, on the final day of my end of semester exams, I was taking a stroll with a friend to my college's Faculty of Music.

Well if I were to answer a question about how happy I am to be in an environment where my future is so blurry, where my enthusiasm seems to die, my faith so shallow, I'd answer that it's one of the worst stages of my life so far.

Back to the Faculty of Music story, I'll tell you a secret.

It's one of the best places in my college.

There's this unexplainable feeling whenever I step into that place. When musical notes hit my eardrums. When I see people who get to do what they are really certain of doing for their futures.

I told my friend that if I didn't have to think of my future, and how I would need to be responsible of my own survivability, I'd probably been taking courses that make me feel happy. Although I have to admit that most of the time, I am never certain about my true passion.

It's funny. 

It's funny that the year when I suddenly get serious about growing up, is also the year where I find myself dealing with so many immature thoughts, so many questions, and so many unresolved doubts.

Rights and Wrongs

A few months ago, our English lecturer asked the whole class to stand up one by one and state our principles in life.

I love talking about abstract things.

Our principles. Our attitudes. The way we see things.

Back in a few years ago, my circle of friends wasn't that wide. I never got to know my friends' backgrounds. How they were raised. What happened during their childhood. Who did they mix with the most. How they handle life.

As much as I hate college life, well I have to admit it does teach me a thing or two.

Our principles. Our attitudes. They way we see things. The way we handle situations.

They don't just come overnight. 

It's a long story. Twisting and turning, sometimes it sounds like a fairytale, sometimes a drama. Sometimes it's tragedy. They say the past should remain in the past, but the truth is you can never leave what has shaped you into who you are today.

Some of us might not understand why certain people behave in certain ways. Why some people dwell in anger. Why we choose to act in different ways. Why we despair in things which look so trivial in the eyes of others. Our experiences differ, maybe that's why.

For human beings to understand each other is no simple task. Sometimes I don't understand myself as well.

It's easy to blame others. It's easy to fall into self-pity. 

But when you start to see too much blaming around you, too much finger-pointing, too much selfishness, too much anger, what will you do? 

Our experiences, our upbringing, well, sometimes they are similar in a few aspects.

But it's still possible for different people take the same things differently.

Everyone screams. We all do. But most of the time, we don't scream in the same way. 

Some scream in silence.

Three Years Old

It's my buddy's third birthday today. Three years ago, he was the best one I ever held in my arms. That was, of course, before I even knew that I would sooner have the chance to play a Yamaha, SX, Takamine, and just a few months ago, a Taylor.

And ironically...he has three scratches.

I always wanted an electric guitar, but lately I realised that there are so many things I haven't discovered yet about acoustic guitars. There are so many other interesting things which I haven't learnt and mastered. You know that when strumming becomes something so plain, it's time to learn new stuffs to spice up the strums. In fact, if someone decides to give me 1000 bucks right now, I would go for another acoustic.

Well right now the main reason why I want an electric is that I realise the fact that I can't sing, and having an electric means there are more chances to play rock solos, so if I get good in playing solos I wouldn't have to sing. See the whole picture? It's like the guitar doing the singing for you.

So because I have this friend who told me to make the best of what we have...I'm not giving up on fingerstyle, because being able to play fingerstyle is also my dream. And this guitar is great enough for fingerstyle, thanks to the low action despite having a brand name that clearly indicates that it's a counterfeit XD

Might be coming out with a basic fingerstyle cover next month with this 3-year-old buddy, if I have enough time to practise the whole song.

So..(This is a Random Post)

So..you are not supposed to start a sentence with so.

But who cares. As much as I love (subconsciously) checking and auto-correcting people's grammar on their status updates, I do that on my blog occasionally too. I nearly died when I read back my posts in 2009.

So..it's 2am and I can't sleep. What's the big deal?

Well I've been trying to not switch on my laptop for the whole day. It was kind of a success..not until I decided to post something new here. I haven't been writing on my journal since I don't know when, haven't been writing any songs, haven't cursed for a long time (yeah, go ahead, roll your eyes), haven't been pouring out emo stuffs for more than one week (YAYS!) so that means I haven't been expressing my thoughts for so long. I hate keeping everything inside. So here I am.

So...I've been studying. And it's a slow progress. It's not fun when you start from scratch. It's not fun when you don't feel the stress.

So...I got distracted.

One good thing about being in your own room is that when you get distracted, there's always one interesting thing after another.

Playing guitar suddenly, surprisingly, sadly became boring. 

So I decided to do some historical retrieval.

And I ended up emoooo. 

That's why I'm here.

As a collector/keeper, there are always junk in my bedroom which can be connected to some memories. And I tell you, I might look oh-not-so-girly when you always see me in t-shirt and jeans and a guitar 24/7, but the truth is I can be super mushy. Like overly sentimental. Emo. Whatever you call it.

I suddenly miss the good ol' days...and the people who were in those days.

And I notice that people like me (ugh..), the mushy ones, the overly sentimental ones are the ones yang macam syok sendiri, still living in the past, cursing the present, and fearing the future. 

If you ask me when were the happiest years of my life, I'd say when I was 14. I played computer games, enjoyed studying, had a lot of haters, yet life was so cool.

Now I no longer have much time for games. Have more friends that I could ever imagine. Don't really like studying. Afraid of so many things. Angry with so many things.

I find it interesting that how our past pretty much affects who we are today.

And I shall leave that philosophical post for another day.

Because I need to sleep and regret for posting this when I see this tomorrow.

I find it funny that nowadays I regret posting stuffs a day after posting them, not like last time when it took about a few months to regret. Talk about growing up so fast. Maybe. 

I still don't see that I've grown up much after entering college. It fact I think college life has mutated me, making me whine more like a baby and wail more like a kid.

I have to sleep before I start to whine again.

Thankful

It's been a good day.

Thinking back of all the things I've said and done, how I wish I never uttered those words, never felt those feelings.

Growing up is a trial and error process, I guess.

Fix You

I never knew this song existed, not until earlier this month when it was featured in my church's campus Christmas production.

When I listened to the first line, it felt like this was the song I've been searching for all these while.

When you try your best, but you don't succeed

When you get what you want, but not what you need

When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone, but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below

When you're too in love to let it go

But if you never try you'll never know

Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face

When you lose something you cannot replace

Tears stream down on your face

And I...

Tears stream down on your face

I promise you I will learn from my mistakes

Tears stream down on your face

And I...

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

If I were to listen to this back in a few years ago, it might have meant nothing to me.

So when I found out that my neighbour living downstairs agreed to make a song cover together, I suggested this song.

This is my first ever song collab recording with a friend. It has always been my dream to play music with friends and record songs together. Looking forward to more chances in the future.

Goodbye 3rd Sem, Hello Home

It's nice to live in a place where there's a fridge in the kitchen.

I arrived home safely after a tiring day, and after sleeping for only three hours last night. Because of the sudden plan to go outing (it was fun!), I had to stay up late to clear off my room (college rules..) so I woke up feeling like a zombie, feeling both dizzy and tired.

And because this time I wasn't alone going to the airport, waiting didn't become such an emo time. I decided to observe people less and reflect on a few things more. Or should I say I was actually dozing off while waiting. Even Facebook became not so fun to go to.

One memorable thing I experienced today is that Mr. Customs Officer detected a pair of scissors inside my guitar bag while scanning it. And I didn't even know it was hidden there. I denied like a thousand times after he failed to find it, so Mr. Boyfriend had to go through the scanner again. I felt like a criminal.

Apparently he was right, there was a pair of scissors hidden in between some sheets of lyrics kept in my file inside the bag. And worst thing is that we found it only after he touched/looked through my not-so-clean bedsheet which I wrapped my guitar with, let's say it's for extra padding. (Obviously no, it's just a tactic to not to get my luggage to be overweight). And I had to take everything out, including my 'diary' which he flipped through (fearing a pair of scissors to be in between the pages?) and a pair of dirty socks I didn't know where to stuff in (but he was to scared to search for it there..muahahaha).

And one funny thing is that the scissors wasn't even mine, it belonged to my junior who was there at that moment. Somehow I accidentally kept the scissors after some CA/CR project we had. So sad. She had to accept the fact that they had to take it away just moments after her reunion with the lost item.

Waiting was cool, I'm perfectly fine with waiting without doing anything. Mastered the art of it after a few semesters in college. Seeing two fellow Kuchingites (names shall not be revealed..) leaving in an earlier flight of course made me feel jelly.

One hour later, it was my turn to board the flight...and due to a few delays, we had to wait for about another half an hour, which..was..so..torturing..because..all..I..wanted..to..do..was..to...sleep....

So I slept for half the journey, which was one of the most uninteresting flights I've even been in. Babies were crying in synchrony (I'm not lying..they sounded like a contagious choir thingy, one after another, and in the end together..). Boy behind me kept on kicking my seat (couldn't give my legendary deadly glare, because his mum was there..). And as usual there were moments of heart attacks when the plane hit the clouds. 

Fast forward fast forward.

I reached safely (yays..) and Kuching was drizzling. 

Kitty is still fat, but lacking the love she used to receive.

My bedroom is ridiculously neat and tidy (now not anymore..)

There's no worries about being hungry at 2am.

I love my parents even more after exchanging stories. And I laughed like crazy joking around with my third sister who is still my best friend.

I'm sitting on a bed that doesn't squeak. Aahhhh.

And I played my guitar, sang in the bathroom, did everything that I really miss doing.

Looking back on my third semester, yes, it was a hard time. Time passed by so fast. There were times when things went so fun, there were also times when life seemed to be so stressful. Gave up a million times. Got motivated again a million times as well. Failures were and are still there. But I achieved quite a number of things too. Sometimes I felt all alone, but most of the time everyone was still there.

I'm not sure of what's going to happen next semester. Yes, the fear never left me. But I know I have less than two months to mend things before the new semester starts.

To those who had been helping me to continue having hope and directing me back to God, I just want to thank you guys. Seriously. I remember most of the things. Even small matters. I survived my third semester not by my own strength.

This is it, time to remember my promises and try to fulfil them one by one.

Aha

I found this minutes ago while watching a video about songwriting. Interesting thought.

"Just be diligent about doing it, don’t judge yourself, don’t think it sucks, because it doesn't,  no matter what. And you know what, if someone thinks it sucks then forget them, who cares. You think it sucks? Well be thankful that you're writing a song, finish it, then judge it. You don't like it? Write another one. But then you have that one under your belt, you see, you grow. Create as many songs as you want."

-Tony Brucco.

No..vem..berrrr

It's hard to not post about emo stuffs.

Been one week since the start of November, and this is the rarest moments where you see me not blogging for days. I was too lazy to talk to myself and show it to the whole world. Well I guess that's good.

C4 was bad. I never love Maths, but as I look back, if anything happens to my results for Maths this time, I'm not going to say I didn't study. Because I did. I studied more than last sem. And it was torturing. I don't know how to teach myself Maths, so I had to watch videos. I thought it was better than weeping like a mad woman, staring at the textbooks and exercises without eventually gaining anything. I somehow think it's useful, but it doesn't help much when you're on your headphones for 4 continuous hours. Again, it was a torture. The voice of that guy explaining the lessons in the video kept on ringing in my head.

And the moment the lecturer said times up, put down your pen, that was one of the biggest relief I had. Because I've been waiting for that moment. I've been battling with my own voice, seeming to be rebelling and shouting "whennn is this going to enddddd?"

All I want to do now is to get myself back in my own bedroom and have my own time and space. I mean my own bedroom. The one with the Santa Cruz. The one where I can lay on the cold floor while reading my novels. The one where I can sit and listen to pigeons, not crows. The one which I can treat like my jam studio. 

Out of all the things I miss, I miss being myself. I miss being crazy. I miss the moments when I can just act as if I don't care.