My New Year Resolutions

Laugh if you want to, but I'm still gonna stick to my dreams although sometimes I get so emo. So here's my new year resolutions, well forgive me if sounds like a wishlist.

1. Stay focused on my studies and my goal. Reach cut-off points. Fly.

2. Stop being so emo too often. Keep smiling and be inspired by anything anywhere.

3. Love back those whom I've stopped loving.

Wishlist for 2013:

1. An army cap. 

2. Upgrade and repair my travel guitar.

3. A decent mp3 player.

4. New headphones without any sponges that spoil so easily. :P

5. Able to play blues on the guitar.

6. Jam in a proper studio.

7. A guitar t-shirt.

8. And I know I'm greedy, but still I need to change and start improving my grades and see myself fly.

One more hour. I'm super sleepy.

Some Final Words

Nah, I'm not going anywhere. Just some final words for this year. Which I am glad that it's ending in a few hours. It's been a miserable year. Yet I know I shouldn't be pointing fingers to the year itself. Whatever.

Anyway 'cause everyone's going frenzy updating their status on Facebook about the new year, I decided that maybe some lame writing on this blog would be something memorable to read when I grow older.

Nothing much to talk about 2012 other than saying that it's been a miserable year. Sure there were good times as well - laughters, silly jokes, mad sing-along-aloud sessions. But they were temporary, just like many things in life.

I used to love writing recaps about my school life in a particular year, carefully selecting only the good memories to be written rather longer than the bad ones. Well people change. I guess I'm no longer who I used to be during those days.

I'm going to attempt that anyway. Let me see. Uh the previous new year started not so bad. Had motivation. Thought I could conquer the world. Then it all shattered in just two months. By the time third month came, I was already a zombie. Apparently all the good moments kinda sunk beneath all the misery I had. So I'm lazy to think too much about the past.

I didn't have any resolutions this year. I usually have some in the previous years, and many were fulfilled. I'm a person who tries my best to keep my promises. I don't know if I still have that value in me. For some reason, I guess I'm going to keep some new year resolutions for 2013. Although staying optimistic looks so idiotic sometimes, especially in this stage that I'm in, I guess being idiotically happy when the world is looking at you suspiciously is something better than torturing yourself to meet up to other people's expectation. Anyway I don't know what the heck am I talking about and my mind changes like the weather, so don't take this seriously. In fact nothing I write in this entire blog should be taken seriously.

Forgive me. I'm actually sleepy I could die on my table but somehow I want to stay awake until the clock strikes 12. I don't get the point of doing this, but new year is new year, it's good to feel that I'm looking forward to seeing another brand new day in a brand new year 'cause everyday I've been waking up not feeling anything.

I'll be posting some random gibberish after this to keep me awake. Why suddenly trying to stay awake at night became such a difficult thing to do. Whyyy.

Excited Not

Wobbly knees. Shaky hands.

To be honest I don't have any excitement about this semester. The only reason that I'm here is obviously because I can't run back to where all these began. Well, maybe I'm coming back here with just one hope.

One day if this path isn't meant for me, I just want to be able to look back and say at least I tried, at least I've been through all that I've never imagined before. At least I can remember that for once I did follow my dreams.

I cannot choose the life I was born into. But with courage, I go to the end.

Gah

Less than two days left for me to have my own space and silence in this bedroom.

Had a 5-hour journey on the road today, after less than a week of appreciating the country breeze. If you think that being in a 5-hour drive won't change a single bit of you, you're probably wrong. Made me think about life a bit. Like how can the same person say that life sucks but then get afraid of dying on the road. Doesn't make sense, right? Sometimes what we think are not really what we would love to see happen.

When I'm older and finally getting a driving license of my own, I would love to do something that maybe no one ever bothered of thinking.

Just like how I imagine jamming on a rooftop as something cool, I think driving an old car for a road trip across the state with maybe a bunch of guitar freaks singing indie songs would be something cool as well. But as usual, most of the things I hope for are a bit too impossible.

I'm not contented on what I've achieved in life so far.

Sometimes I ask myself why is life so scary. Then I think that dying might be scary as well. The only thing that differentiates it with a scary movie, or a scary car ride, or a scary whatever, is that you can't close your eyes. Gah. Whatever.

Stay Up Late and You'll Get Cranky

I regained my sense of humour or whatever you call that something that causes you to do a facepalm when you reread your emo posts.

Anyway I'll be going upcountry where perhaps I can forget about being pathetic and start climbing the climbable rooftop while enjoying the sunset.

Till we meet again.

...

I don't know where to start, and where will this end.

Since the beginning of the previous semester, I've been trying hard to stay strong. To stop thinking too much. To keep on moving forward. Everytime I felt that life sucks, I try hard not to blog about it because it's just not cool. I am aware of who might be reading. Some friends, some foes. Some who might worry of who I've become. Some who might be fed up of my rants. Some might even laugh of what's happening to me.

I hate my honesty. I hate how I can put personal stuffs here, I do. 

Blogging about stuffs is never a solution to a problem, I know. But I can never deceive myself, or my friends.  I don't know why I keep coming here. I don't know what's happening to me. I don't know where am I supposed to be. I don't know anything. At this stage, I just feel like I know nothing.

It's hard to show your weaknesses. It's one of the things which I never imagined I can do at this age. I've never felt so weak and hopeless in my entire life. Yes, I do feel hopeless. I was lying. I know the difference between saying things and truly meaning of what I say. Yes, I do feel jealous. To see others doing very well. It's not easy. You feel like the whole world is against you, even when you try hard to push away those thoughts. Yes, I do feel angry. Some people don't even have to try. Yet their lives are full of sunshine and rainbows. And yes, I do hate myself for having those thoughts.

If I knew college life was going to be this tough, I'd be better of not knowing all the people who I know now. All the events I've attended. All the laughter that I had, every responsibilities that I've taken, every bonds that I've formed, every moments that caused me to feel so happy yet so terribly hopeless.

Sometimes I ask myself, out of so many people, why me? After all the years of always being on top, why me? After all the effort, why me? Things would be easier to accept if I was not this ambitious. If I was not in an environment where I am now. 

I wish I can run away sometimes. Climb to the top of a green hill and dance beneath a tree trying to catch the leaves that fall like raindrops. Yet all I see now is another year ahead of me full of uncertainties, full of faces I would love to avoid, full of words which are uttered without truly conveying the true meaning.

I would love to say that I'm not complaining, but obviously I am. Isn't it something that you and me always do? I would love to say that I'm not actually giving up, but unfortunately I'm not really sure. 

Please don't get me wrong. I feel happy for my friends who did very well, I truly do. Because I know how bad it feels like being in this situation. And because they deserve what they've obtained. But saying so also means that I deserve what I've obtained. Which I'm really not sure of.

Life goes on. I wake up, see the sunshine through the leaves of the tree behind my bedroom. I go to bed, lie awake and think of why am I still living despite being so useless. It's not fun. Yet I try to stay alive. It sucks to be floating around not knowing any purpose of walking on. But deep down I would want to trust that somehow I can make it through even when it hurts so badly that I'm left so clueless now. 

I regret that this post reveals to you too much information, but somehow, someone needs to know. 

Rocky

Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it.

You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done.

Now if you know what you're worth then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you! You're better than that!

Not emo or anything. Just thinking that this quote deserves to be read by hopeless people like me, hahaha. I need more people to scold me. Anger is my motivation.

Wait, I'm not hopeless la, at least not yet. 

2012 in 2.0 Megapixels

I'm probably going to start posting some recaps of this year. Just for fun. It's something nice to be read in years to come, I guess. 

Saw this at college one afternoon after class.

Studied with a black cat one evening in Akasia.

Had a funny vending machine experience with the other girls
after cell group.

Had my first coolblog with my two classmates, months after
everyone else had their first one.

Found this book in the library.

Bought my first chatime.

Went to Japan. Hoho just kidding. Autumn in Intec!

Queued up in the longest queue I've even been in to go to college.

Revised Bio on the field before my first topic test. Wide, empty
spaces make me feel happy.

Oh Hai

So an article that appeared on my news feed 10 days ago made such a huge impact, I decided to step back from social network for as long as I can endure.

Taking a break from blogging was hard, especially when there were times when I felt that I just needed to get my problems out of my head. However I'm very glad to say that the past 10 days made me realise that the more I blog about my problems, the more I share about them, the more miserable I become.

Getting away from Facebook for the first time made me realise that the less I know about what's happening in other people's lives, the more I find myself not comparing myself to who they are and what they have. I suddenly felt that not knowing at all on what are other people are up to is a good thing after all. I stopped having expectations on how certain things should happen. It was a great feeling.

But when almost everyone shares important updates on a place you've stepped out of, it's hard to think that you may be missed out in certain things. I had to check my results whether they're out or not for almost everyday, I missed a discussion (and argument, hoho) for my primary school class reunion, missed some birthday wishes. Well at least I think I had probably missed some things I wished I never knew, so that's one good point.

In fact after all that I've been through for the past 10 days, I'm actually looking forward to a day when I can probably take a longer rest, especially when A-Levels is just less than 5 months to go. 

I'm happier than who I was a few months ago, not that nothing is happening, but more because of this time I just want to stop expecting too much from others and start taking my own baby steps. Not that I'm trying to be cocky, but sometimes seeking comfort from others would only lead to disappointment. I don't know how this is linked to social media, but somehow it does.

So I don't want to sound perasan or what, I know there are people who care, but I can assure you that whatever happens, for the time being, I am fine, I am happy and I have made a reflection that I still want to live for as long as I can. I lay awake last night and got reminded of a lot of moments this year when I felt worthless, when I felt disappointed about the people and things around me. Made me realise that all these while I've been expecting too much from others.

How I wish I was more ignorant than who am I, so that I can just relax a little bit and stop thinking too much.

Silence

Honestly I never thought of writing another song after three months of not being able to do so. I was thinking like "uh, that's it, looks like this is the end of my songwriting journey", after about five failed attempts during the past months. Failed attempts, according to my definition in songwriting, is when I kind of figured out a line or two, but couldn't continue due to various reasons. The top three things that can stop me from continuing are:

1. When I can't rhyme the endings of the lines into something that makes sense.
2. When I can't figure out a theme on what I am about to write.
3. When chord progressions sound so familiar like my previous songs, or some other songs that I've listened to.

Writing "Silence" has been a fun journey, and no matter how many views will I get from this one, I'm still going to love it like my "Smell the Rain" and "Raindrops in My Summer". Although previously I was skeptical about the lyrics (yes, that happens all the time) I kind of love this new stuff - no mushy mushy I miss you love you thank you kind of thingy. Haha. However I have to admit that the skeptical side of me senses that the lyrics somehow doesn't make any sense at all. 

Some parts are written based on my emotions, some by observation on what has happened to the people around me. Although completed in one sitting, it wasn't actually something that came into my mind instantly. Empty playground with a broken swing is not something new, in fact it came in August from an emo moment when I was walking aimlessly around my hostel. I managed to make it into the pre-chorus of my abandoned song, "That Familiar Place", but in the end decided that it was something terribly mushy.

Yet all I see is a playground

with a broken swing,

and all I hear is 

the songs we used to sing.

Uh, I'm writing these descriptions as if I'm one of the members of The Beatles. Like errrr, who knows, some people leave legacies when they leave. I'm scared of being forgotten, haha. Just thinking that if you want to wait until you're great enough to share something, that moment will never come. 

To those who are curious.

It's always like this.

    

I watch documentaries about dead songwriters, awesome how these kind of papers can become valuable when you're dead and your songs get popular. Teehee.

My silent bandmate says thanks for listening/reading.
(Sounds like the two components of IELTS) :P

Till we meet again in another song, hopefully can lah, before I burn my damaged guitar during one of my imaginary mini concerts. Uh. 

Hope this song won't make me look so emo. Don't take it seriously, please. 

Silence

Silence

30th Nov 2012

Verse 1

An empty playground with a broken swing

A tiny room with a fan spinning

A thousand faces on the wall smiling

and the clock is ticking

(Ohkay, that's a super lame verse to begin with...)

Verse 2

Watching the sunset with a broken guitar in your hand

Scribbling a paper, with the things you can't stand

Maybe your silence is a sign of moving on

Perhaps silence is about staying strong

Pre-chorus 1

What if silence is a screaming child

Sometimes in silence you sing for a while

because that is when you start to smile

When you know that you need to keep walking another mile

Chorus

Some say silence is like sun rays shining through the leaves

when you wake up in the morning, you have something to believe in

You might say silence is when everyone sleeps

Maybe it's just the time when we choose to listen and to not speak

Verse 3

Singing songs that everyone sings

Realising there's not much time left to say out the things

that you never really wanted to hide

'cause your words might force you to swallow your pride

Pre-chorus 2

What if silence is a kid in hunger?

Or a group of people living in anger?

Broken families, and enemies

What if silence is what it takes to have peace

Chorus

Some say silence is like sun rays shining through the leaves

when you wake up in the morning, you have something to believe in

You might say silence is when everyone sleeps

Maybe it's just the time when we choose to listen and to not speak

________________________________________________________________

I'm recording this. Because it's not a song about crushes or memories or friendship.

It's a song about fighting battles when everything seems so distant.

Oh wait, that sounds emo. 

Haha.