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I don't know where to start, and where will this end.

Since the beginning of the previous semester, I've been trying hard to stay strong. To stop thinking too much. To keep on moving forward. Everytime I felt that life sucks, I try hard not to blog about it because it's just not cool. I am aware of who might be reading. Some friends, some foes. Some who might worry of who I've become. Some who might be fed up of my rants. Some might even laugh of what's happening to me.

I hate my honesty. I hate how I can put personal stuffs here, I do. 

Blogging about stuffs is never a solution to a problem, I know. But I can never deceive myself, or my friends.  I don't know why I keep coming here. I don't know what's happening to me. I don't know where am I supposed to be. I don't know anything. At this stage, I just feel like I know nothing.

It's hard to show your weaknesses. It's one of the things which I never imagined I can do at this age. I've never felt so weak and hopeless in my entire life. Yes, I do feel hopeless. I was lying. I know the difference between saying things and truly meaning of what I say. Yes, I do feel jealous. To see others doing very well. It's not easy. You feel like the whole world is against you, even when you try hard to push away those thoughts. Yes, I do feel angry. Some people don't even have to try. Yet their lives are full of sunshine and rainbows. And yes, I do hate myself for having those thoughts.

If I knew college life was going to be this tough, I'd be better of not knowing all the people who I know now. All the events I've attended. All the laughter that I had, every responsibilities that I've taken, every bonds that I've formed, every moments that caused me to feel so happy yet so terribly hopeless.

Sometimes I ask myself, out of so many people, why me? After all the years of always being on top, why me? After all the effort, why me? Things would be easier to accept if I was not this ambitious. If I was not in an environment where I am now. 

I wish I can run away sometimes. Climb to the top of a green hill and dance beneath a tree trying to catch the leaves that fall like raindrops. Yet all I see now is another year ahead of me full of uncertainties, full of faces I would love to avoid, full of words which are uttered without truly conveying the true meaning.

I would love to say that I'm not complaining, but obviously I am. Isn't it something that you and me always do? I would love to say that I'm not actually giving up, but unfortunately I'm not really sure. 

Please don't get me wrong. I feel happy for my friends who did very well, I truly do. Because I know how bad it feels like being in this situation. And because they deserve what they've obtained. But saying so also means that I deserve what I've obtained. Which I'm really not sure of.

Life goes on. I wake up, see the sunshine through the leaves of the tree behind my bedroom. I go to bed, lie awake and think of why am I still living despite being so useless. It's not fun. Yet I try to stay alive. It sucks to be floating around not knowing any purpose of walking on. But deep down I would want to trust that somehow I can make it through even when it hurts so badly that I'm left so clueless now. 

I regret that this post reveals to you too much information, but somehow, someone needs to know.