Thank You, 2015

This is a rather weird thing to say, but 2015 has been a good year.

In fact, it is rather appropriate to say that for the first time in many years, I have felt true happiness in this year. Small, simple moments of happiness, but what's important is that I know I've been happy.

I can look back to 2012, 2013, and 2014 and fully understand why things had happened. I can think back of those days and pat myself on the back--for not giving up for real, for not ending my life, for persevering, for seeking help, and most importantly, for being able to wait despite the frequent moments of impatience. And I will continue to wait.

And I look back on those days and the faces of my friends flash through my mind, those precious people who still talk to me even until now, and I am more than thankful for being alive.

And I look at my family members, for the times I wished I wasn't born in this family, and then I realise how wrong I was, and how many other people had it worse. For that, I am also thankful.

I think back of all the strangers who gave me real life lessons this year, and I cannot stop thanking God or whatever supernatural power that made a path for me to remain in Kuching, this place that I used to call shithole, but boy this shithole is where I had the best times of my life this year. Forget Spain and all the handsome Spaniards I dream of, forget Glasgow and the desire to return to my birthplace. I've never been so thankful that I am here, in Kuching, looking at the faces of strangers on buses who taught me that this is real life and I gotta suck it up and hold my head high, because I live a life full of privilege, and I still have my choices, and I'm not the only one with a story to tell. And most importantly, this is not the end. I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.

Thanks to all these strangers, for once, I've noticed that I've changed. I don't always notice my own changes, but I am sure of this little one that becomes bigger each day. And it made me understand why I had to go through the things that I've gone through in 2012, 2013, and 2014. Have you ever felt like crying because it feels like you've understood it all and finally a burden is lifted from your shoulders? For many weeks lately that was what exactly how I felt. 

While I'm pretty sure that Kuching doesn't need me, I am however really sure that I have a purpose here, and the purpose is not for myself. Once I understood this, everything else became clearer. I can become the change I want to witness. The little chances that I had on the bus, making little impacts on strangers, or simply practising common courtesy, made my days a lot more meaningful compared to the times when I sat in my bedroom, alone, thinking about myself and how dark my future was about to become. And I have future plans, plans to bring smiles to other people, to remind them that this life is worth living. I hope my motivation doesn't die fast. 

It is also funny that hate can turn into compassion in one year. I used to hate a lot of people and things last year. I hated my new college, some of my tutors, and I felt like I was the victim in everything that happened. But now, I can put myself in their shoes and understand why some people can be mean for no apparent reason. And instead of hating them I empathise on them for having a heart incapable of forgiveness and compassion toward others. It's not that I suddenly turn holy and become all-forgiving, but it's just that I spend more time thinking of good people and people who made my day better, so I have less time to think of all the negative people. 

You see sometimes you don't see yourself being in depression. Sometimes once you're out of it then you realise that depression is real. And music, books, the Internet, celebrities, America--they all make depression sound like something that everyone has, and sometimes people make it sound like something so cool to have, like how people on the Internet say oh, hey, see, I have depression bla bla bla. And once you're feeling sad, then you're depressed, and people misuse the word itself all the time, but how far do we realise that it is not a joke? How far do we realise that it is NOT a cool thing to have. This year, looking back, I've learnt that I was lucky to be a real coward, because if I wasn't, I guess I won't be seeing 2015. I'd be 6 feet underground and my guitar would be dusty in my bedroom and the bus driver and librarian wouldn't have someone to laugh at (they'd probably know someone else who is socially-awkward, though).

I won't be knowing that I am capable of drawing pretty decent portraits, I won't be realising that I could swim (thanks Cindy!) and drive (thanks Mr.Sim!). I won't be knowing that there's a really cool library in Kuching (shout-out to DBKU City Library!) and I'd certainly not know that reading 52 books per year (one book per week!) is actually a very possible thing to achieve. I wouldn't be knowing that I'm about to become a fan of Chicago Bulls, or Sergio Llull and Pau Gasol, and I wouldn't know that I'd be having such a great summer with a great bunch of precious friends. Also, I wouldn't actually know that I can play pretty decent fingerstyle and get some pretty okay views on YouTube. (I need to get back to fingerstyle soon!). 

See, many things can happen in a year, and with only 3 days left in 2015, I can say that I am thankful for everything that happened this year (and the year before). I am of course still worried about a lot of things like getting a job and paying back my education loans and buying a house, but a wise young man once told me to take it one day at a time, and those words are the ones that I still hold on to each day. 

I won't be saying that 2016 will be a new year with new resolutions and all those shit, but hey, I hope you readers have a happy new year. I won't be so happy because I need to study for my finals which will be right after the new year..which is..I knowwww..such a weird timing. Once I finish my finals then I guess I can celebrate my new year by getting back to my books (fiction! Not academic textbooks!) and my basketball games (videos I downloaded harharhar) or probably chill in the library for the whole day and return home with my dad as he returns from work (I love the days when I get to do this) and hopefully I'll have the motivation to learn something new on the guitar, some fancy fingerstyle arrangement, or complete my song that I'm currently writing.

Life can get pretty hard, mate, but once you cross out all of the days on your calendar, one by one, and when it comes to the last box you'd be crossing out that year, man..it's a spectacular feeling, that feeling of being alive and being able to tell the old you that hey bruh, we made it, we're alive, we proved ourselves wrong. Thank you 2015, for teaching me that life is precious, and that good people exist. You just gotta open your eyes a bit wider and learn to conquer your fears, and walk the path that sad people walk along, and maybe by doing so you learn about life a little bit more. 

Fee, the Library, and Other Short Stories

Stuffs that happened today:

I wore one of my favourite t-shirts, the Passenger shirt to class for the first time. I am not sure whether band t-shirts or t-shirts with a giant cartoon of an artiste is allowed in my college. But it was raining this morning, so I was like, hah, easy, I can just zip up my hoodie and no one will notice.

Class was short so I went to the DBKU City Library after buying six karipaps and drinking a can of Nescafe Latte. This is officially my favourite drink of the year because it makes me happy in a weird way. It is also rather obvious that I am madly obsessed with this library at the moment. Don't ask why. Wait, please ask why, and I'm going to explain anyway lol. Being in this library feels like I met an old friend, or visited my childhood home, or idk it's like the second best place to be in (after my own bedroom) and what's best is that I'm alone and free and wild happy for no real reason.

My visit to the library was planned since yesterday. I didn't want to go back home right away because I don't know what happened to many of the morning buses I always managed to hop on. There used to be like three buses in an hour a few weeks ago but yesterday I wanted for half an hour but no buses appeared. So I trusted my instincts and set a target to catch a bus at maybe 2-3pm.

And I'm planning to do this a bit more frequently in the future because I find it therapeutic in a way that I feel a sense of accomplishment when I can feel that I am capable of going to my favourite places alone. Don't get me wrong, I love home, but I also love having a little bit of time exercising my confidence in front of strangers without my family members around. I talk like I have a social disorder, but it does feel like that sometimes. I notice that I shake a bit when I'm talking to people who I'm not used to talking with. It's kinda annoying when you have no control over these kind of things. I'm working on it. 

I'm also in a mad race against time because I am 3 books behind my Goodreads Reading Challenge. I knowwww it's crazy that I'm doing this, but I want to feel that sense of accomplishment of reading 52 books this year. That's one book per week, heh, but some books took me one month to finish. Sitting in the library with no distractions enabled me to finish one book in 4 hours. Imagine if I stayed in the library for 24 hours..hahah. There's a crazy mindset that I have, that I should not connect my phone to the wifi or check all of my social media accounts, because I'm in a library so I should be reading (or studying, which I also did for like 20 minutes). Studying is boring. Blergh.

I entered the library at 9.30am sharp, and the best part is that this library opens at 9am, so I'm like one of the few people who came early, and I guess everyone's happy because it's like the start of the day, and one librarian said good morning to me, and the security guard also said good morning with a sincere smile, and my heart felt so warm and idk man isn't this world such a beautiful place? People who love their jobs (or attempt to love their jobs) make the world a better place. This is also one of the reasons why I love this library. It makes me question myself why the heck I didn't think of working in a library as one of my ambitions when I was younger.

I sat in silence while attempting to read John Grisham's Ford County. It is a collection of short stories so it wasn't that fun from page 1 until the end but some stories in it were so good (and some made me smile/laugh alone like a lonely, crazy person). Throughout the time I needed to finish this book it took me about 4 visits to the washroom because it was so cold (I know, TMI, but it's just peeing. Nothing to be ashamed of about peeing when you've been drinking latte and half a bottle of mineral water before sitting in a cold place). So I was like sitting down, getting up, walking out, and I gotta admit it was kinda embarrassing, but I believe that no one cares.

I also kinda took some break to check out some books on the shelves because while searching through the OPAC system I managed to find out that this library actually has dozens of Agatha Christie titles, and they have Tolkien's works as well, but so far I haven't seen any because hah, obvious reason, so many people are borrowing it and I guess it takes luck to find those books available one day. I wanted to ask weather I could make reservations, but I've bothered the same librarian I met the other day for like three times today and I don't want her to think that I'm an annoying kid so I guess that'll have to wait.

I found one book by Vonnegut and another by Neil Gaiman so yeah, that was kinda lucky of me today, so I felt that that was enough luck and I shouldn't be so greedy. Off I marched (to the same librarian, so now you know why I didn't want to bother her anymore, I don't know if anyone else thinks this way but if I was the one behind that counter I'd be "Oh, it's you again" which I guess pretty much explains why I kinda have a mad respect towards people who are still cool even after dealing with the same person for like, yknow, gazillion times in an hour.

After coming back from the trip to the washroom, it was around lunch hour and the security guard (the same woman who said good morning hours before) asked me whether I had taken my lunch ("Dah makan, dik?") and I guess I gotta polish my communication skills a bit because I knew I could've done better in answering. I could've followed John Cho's advice in that TV Show Selfie when Henry taught Eliza some important tips in these kind of situations. What happened today was I answered "Sik makan, hehe" (Not having lunch, hehe), smiled, and walked away. I could've said "Dah, akak dah?" (Yep, how about you?) which is like the ideal response but I'm so awkward and nothing I ever think of flows out so freely in my speech and actions. Heck, I finished that Dale Carnegie book only last week but it seems that I've forgotten the important stuffs I've learnt.

I finished reading Ford County and quickly returned it because I didn't want to bring it home again. Hardcover books are heavy. And expensive. A lot of risk carrying an RM80+ book around. I know, I'm kinda paranoid when I need to keep expensive stuffs that don't belong to me. Again, I went to the same librarian at the same counter. I know. I'm the champion in social akwardness. What made it worst is that she was actually working on something while discussing with another librarian and I didn't wait to hand in the book (because I needed to pee, again) so I was like, uh, should I linger, or should I walk away after saying thanks? So I lingered and waited until she scanned the barcode because again, I am a bit paranoid that what if I return the book but it doesn't get recorded in the system, and then I quickly left after it seems like the job is done. (No, I didn't repeat the same "OH, IT IS DONE?" question because I realised how weird that question is.) The problem is, I left right away after saying thanks and I almost reached the escalator (one feet was hanging, already about to step on the escalator) when they called me back, saying that I have four more books to be returned. Talking about the word "return", it can sound like "written" when I say it lazily in a very Malaysian way. Which is why I shouldn't speak lazily in a very Malaysian way. (Imagine shoving a John Grisham book in front of the counter and saying "written" it's like saying "hey look at this book I wrote this" ok I know my thoughts can be rather absurd). Back to the original story, see, this is why I always feel the need to make sure things are done before I leave any counters. Whenever I linger, I am actually supposed to leave already. Whenever I leave, I am actually supposed to wait. Why didn't they teach us these kind of skills in school. Don't tell me it's common sense. It's so hard to not feel so awkward.

I also sneakily placed a motivational bunny inside the pages of Ford County and this will be the first motivational bunny to be released into the wild. I'm hoping that it finds its way into the hands of a person who needs it. Good news is that I found the copy of KL Noir that I borrowed some weeks ago and the encouraging note that I left there was no longer to be seen when I crazily flipped through the pages this morning. It can mean two things--either the librarians checked the book and found the paper and threw it away, or yknow, someone who borrowed it after me thought that the quote encouraged him/her so s/he kept it. I hope it's the latter. I feel like that there's a fire burning in my soul. Sounds phony, I know. But it warms my heard knowing that someone at least read it. It was a quote I found on reddit, I guess I gotta share it here too: “Listen, I wish I could tell you it gets better, but it doesn't get better. You get better,” Apparently Joan Rivers said this. Pardon my ignorance but I don't know who Joan Rivers was until I googled this quote a few seconds ago.

So the remaining time I spent in the library was kinda boring after that because I decided to make some short notes for my quiz on Monday. I covered six topics because idk man, latte? Nescafe latte is like my happiness and productivity drug.

I left the library at around 1.45pm and I gotta love my instinct today because right after I arrived at the station, it was almost 2pm and I didn't wait too long for a bus to arrive. I was just guessing that there would be a bus at 2pm. I guess I have some good guessing skills.

I sat at the wrong side of the bus. I've made poor choices in my life and this is one of them. Lesson number 1 about riding buses from town is that in the morning you gotta sit at the right side of the bus and in the afternoon you gotta sit on the left side of the bus. Simple formula will result in sitting at the shady side so you don't have to squint and cringe at the sunlight that shines directly at your face. 

I sat next to a nurse and she asked where I was heading to, and I can guess why. I think she felt sorry because I had to sit at the sunnier side of the seat next to the window while she sat at the shadier side next to the aisle. Greedy people will usually refuse to let anyone sit next to them and sit at the shadier side, so it's like they have the whole seat for themselves because the seat next to the window isn't seatable. Please pardon the usage of a non-existent word there. Back to the story of the nurse, well, she actually wanted to switch sides with me because maybe she felt sorry that I had to sit on that sunny side after sacrificing my seat to her. But she was getting off in a few more stops so I didn't see the need to switch places and stand up so frequently so I said it's OK. Then I thought eh I could've attempted to strike up a conversation with her but then I didn't, because idk, I still can't bring myself to shake off the fear to chat with strangers. I always have this feeling that I might appear creepy than friendly. 

So yeah fast forward and I am now chilling while I have about 4 assignments to be completed HAHAHAHUUU.

I 'm having some future plans about the motivational bunny thingy but I'm afraid I gotta take baby steps first. I am thinking of making proper bookmarks with encouraging notes and leaving them in the library books but I'm not sure if that's even a legal thing to do on a large scale. And I have this crazy thought of making a small box full of bookmarks and leaving them at the library counter but again I don't even know if this is allowed. Like who knows what if the library boss thinks I'm a creep if I do so but this thought has been playing in my mind a few times already. I am thinking of how to do this without a trace and without the need to ask for anyone's permission (or without being needed to answer questions) so the only way that works so far is to leave these kind of stuffs in the books that I borrow, I guess. Any steps larger than that will probably expose myself to uncomfortable situations, and let's just hope the librarians don't actually check each page after people return books to them..because gosh, that would mean that all my motivational bunnies won't reach real people but librarians instead and what if they think it's some sort of vandalism, and what if you're actually not allowed to leave foreign things in library books and ohmai this is what I hate about myself. Every time I think of doing something harmless my mind screams to me that it can be harmful. I have a pretty strong survival mechanism, I guess. Anyway, right now I don't want to overthink it and just do whatever that I think is not wrong because #YOLO. 

If you read this from sentence 1 until the end, congratulations, even Fee doesn't think that she'll be rereading all this all over again. Coffee can do wonders

5 Things I've Stopped Doing

1. Sleeping in Class

Back in those days, whenever my lecturers said "Take Five!" my automatic response was to rest my heavy head in my curled arms on the table. It didn't take long for it to become my habit, a reflex, a ritual..a thing I crave for every single time classes get boring.

Now no matter how tired I become, I fight that feeling. I get up, buy some kuihs downstairs, or have some empty chit chat with my classmates. I do so even when I'm not hungry, and even when I don't feel like talking. I forced myself at first. And now it became a habit, a reflex, a ritual..

I realise now how destructive little things can be when we accumulate them. Short "naps", too short to shake off the tiredness, are not worth it. This is one important lesson I've learnt over the past two years.

2. Sleeping Too Late

I no longer sleep at 3 or 4 am these days. I no longer do it for fun, or to revise for exams. I do procrastinate for my assignments and that sometimes results in some late night last minute work to be done, but on usual days I sleep before 12. On good days, I sleep at 10 or 11, and waking up the next morning is such a delightful thing to do. 

I realised my mistakes that I've done 2-3 years ago. I simply did not have enough sleep. And the lack of sleep can kill you. I guess there's something to do with some chemical imbalance in our brain or something, and how I wish it was easier to solve this back then. When you have limited time, of course sacrificing your sleep sounds like the only choice. But imagine not sleeping well for many months in the span of two years. Of course for some people that is too much to handle. What worked for Friend A obviously did not work for me. This is another important lesson that I've learnt, and it almost cost me my life.

3. Saying "Yes" All the Time

I say "No" a lot more these days. It's not that difficult, but it can be difficult. I'm reading a very good book right now and it taught me one important thing. We see babies and toddlers react when they don't like something. They simply refuse it. And they do anything to actually say "No" to adults. 

I'm not saying that we should act like babies. The book says this shows how much power we have over our choices. Every action that we take are 100% our own choices, even when it seems like some of our choices are influenced or forced by others. In the end, we make the decision, and that is why putting the blame on others is not a wise thing to do.

By understanding this, I can slowly let go of some of the blames that I kept in the past. I'd be lying if I say that I didn't blame others, but this point just taught me how much power and control I actually had. Although it seemed like I was trapped in a passive-aggressive persuasion, I actually had the power to say "No", but I didn't, because I wanted to please people too much. Now, to hell with pleasing people, there are many other ways to please people wisely. Now I have the courage to say "No", even when I have to lose some people in my life. In the end, when things go wrong, only those who genuinely care will stay.

4. Comparing Grades

I used to compare my grades with my friends when I was in high school. Back in Intec I also found some sense of security when people score within my range (I wasn't so brilliant in Intec, and it was hard to find friends who scored within my range lol). Now whenever exam results are announced, I actually don't give a shit to ask people, but people do ask me. Maybe as we get older, these things just don't mean a lot anymore. It's like...I don't know. My main concern now is not my grades. I just want to do well enough for me to be able to support my own life one day. Of course, I do chase for excellence. I'm a pig if I don't do so. I have this brilliant mind and I need to fully utilise it. (Haha). But I'm not like, yknow..obsessing to beat everyone and (quote Ash Ketchum) "be the very best that no one ever was". I just want to be the best version of myself and reach my own potentials, not other people's potentials. You're in some glamorous Science course? Good for you. You're an Arts student? Great, you'll leave a contribution to society too one day.

5. Thinking About My Future Career

Shit, back in high school this was all that I could think of. I must become a doctor. I must become this, I must become that. And that limited my options, narrowed my thinking, and in the end gave me a false perception that there was no way out when things got wrong.

Although I'm taking a course that people associate easily with one of the jobs in this world, I don't see myself as a person in that field one day. I actually do kind of try to imagine doing the job, but I no longer stress myself about it. I've only pledged to myself that if one day I enter this field, I will never intentionally destroy a young person's mind with negativity, hatred, and unprofessionalism. It's easy to say, but I don't want to become those who did so to me. I want to become that lecturer who called my name to participate in class because I never participated. I want to become that teacher who told me good things and believed in me when I didn't believe in myself.

Most important of all, if I am destined to not end up in this field, I want to be able to open up my mind to various possibilities in life and try to find many other ways to contribute to society. Did I tell some of you what was one of the most painful lessons I learnt when no universities wanted to accept me after my Intec chapter?

It was very painful to feel like you have no role in life and in your society. I sound like a phony for saying this, but I'm being very honest here. I felt so sad of the possibility that I might become a parasite for life, and that made me so miserable. I wanted to go out and face the world and give back something to someone, but I had nothing, my energy was all drained out, and my shame was so huge I couldn't even face myself at that time. That was when I started doing handmade birthday cards for some (very few) friends, and left anonymous comments on some suicidal people's blogs although at that time I was pretty much suicidal. It shows how much that in this world we all want to contribute to society. It's just sometimes some of us don't know what to do to get those chances. Looking back, I wish I spent those times to do some volunteering, but looking back again, I didn't do so because of the reasons also stated above.

One of the life-changing things a friend said to me during my days of depression was something about "taking things one day at a time." It's a very straightforward message but when my mind was clouded with so many worries and the thought that death was more appealing, I never thought of this at all. I owe a very huge thanks to that friend, and I don't think they knew that it saved my life. Even until now, whenever I feel too worried, I keep these words close to my heart. I don't want to think about what will happen in 10 years. I just want to be able to get through this day and that's already OK.

_______________________________

You might be thinking why on earth am I blogging about this at this time. It's the first of December and 2015 is ending soon. I find it important that I should learn from my failures and write about some very important things I've learnt from it, so that at least I don't walk away empty handed from this experience. It's not that I am dwelling in my past failure; I no longer see it as something so shitty, but how delightful it is that maybe 8 our of 10 times when bad things happen, I see this failure as a motivator instead of a reminder of my Failure (with a capital letter F).

The news about a teen suicide which recently happened also triggered me to think back about those old days. It saddens me that in our country there are so many misconceptions about this matter. Judging from hundreds of Facebook comments that I've read, it's just so saddening that most people do not attempt to understand at all. And what makes it sadder that some negative comments are from educators, parents, people who actually graduated from universities, people who think that they know it all. They will never understand it, not until they are standing on that ledge. Or you know, just don't say anything negative if you don't really know anything about the matter.

Time for me to do some last minute assignments again. 

Hope you guys have a wonderful December. 

3 JUMPSUITS FOR WOMEN

Jumpsuits have been getting a comeback since a few years back and still rocking strong in the fashion industry. Women are falling in love with the stylish designs of jumpsuits from various brands available in the market. It does not matter how tall you are, you can find the stylish jumpsuits that can complement your own figure and flaunt it with confidence everywhere you go. The jumpsuits are must-have pieces as it is versatile to be worn to any occasion. Check the popular jumpsuit choices by a majority of women and find the one that fits your true personal style.


1. Monochrome
Monochrome tones will always stay in style in any piece of fashion clothing. Black or white jumpsuits are suitable for ladies at any age as it screams sophistication. Show it off to the office, parties, a night out in town or other occasions looking amazingly chic. Bring out the monochrome beauty by matching nice statement piece jewellery with your outfit.

2. Plain 

For the women who prefers simplicity, the plain colour designs of jumpsuits is a definite must-have piece to own. Choose from the wide range of colours of jumpsuits that suits your personal character and step out feeling amazing as ever. You will achieve that modest yet fashionable touch easily wearing the plain jumpsuits on your day out.

3. Printed 

Women can also appear trendy and fun by exploring the printed jumpsuit designs as their new look. It can absolutely give you that extra boost of confidence when you want to look stylish without putting much effort into how you dress. The jumpsuit prints you wear will say it all and you can strut your days in style. Pair it with trendy footwear and enhance the look in your own fashionable touch.

2015 Bookhaul

Booooooooooks!!!

It's that special time of the year again!

This time I went on the third day, right after coming back from an award-giving ceremony, with a three-hour class earlier that morning! What a day it was! I was tired but excited at the same time.

I've been saving my money for one year just for this. But on the real day I kinda thought that I should set a proper budget so that I could control myself hahaha. So I carried just an OK amount of money..with the hope that I won't have to bid farewell to some good books.

As soon as my dad and I reached the place, I made an angel choir sound, something like TAADAAA and HAAAA and a guy gave me a weird look but I didn't care because I was too happy!!

I rushed to the pile of fictions..but quickly remembered that earlier on I planned that this year I was going to shop with a strategy. Some of my strategies that day:

1. Look for some good non-fiction books, particularly on self-help/leadership/business. Hah! These were the genres that I laughed about many years ago. After watching many TEDx talks and reading online articles, I realised that most successful people read these kind of books.
2. Buy more classics. Classics can range from RM8.90 to RM43.90 in Kuching, depending on whether there are popular movie adaptations of the books. Collins Classics and Trans Atlantic Classics are very affordable, but local bookstores tend to sell Penguin Classics at outrageous prices. And not all popular classics are easy to find. 
3. Only buy fictions which are hard to find in Kuching. 
4. Find some good textbooks on literature or any interesting subjects. 

Oh, there were emotional let-it-goes. I simply couldn't buy everything I wanted, because let's be sensible here, you can't just have everything that you want.

Books I took but placed back:

• For One More Day by Mitch Albom: My favourite Mitch Albom book out of all the books he has written. Excellent condition. I decided to let it go because Mitch Albom titles aren't difficult to find in local bookstores.
• Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides: Exact same edition that I've already I owned. I wanted to keep an extra copy, maybe to give to someone who enjoys good books (This is a beautiful book, trust me!) but if I took this I would've needed to sacrifice one of the books in this pile. I bought mine for RM49.90 (!!!) but thankfully I used my RM50 book voucher for it last year. The second hand one was just...RM7.90 (!!!) Just look at how ridiculous the price difference is...
• Two Harlan Coben books which I cannot remember (Yes, it's very hard to know which is which when we talk about Harlan Coben books). I decided that I can still buy these books next year. They seem to have a lot of it, judging from last year's sale. Also, I've just discovered that my local library has a lot of his books.
• A biography about Eric Clapton. I'm still not sure whether it was a wise decision to let this one go. I might regret this in the future..
• Playing for Pizza by John Grisham. It was in good condition, at a very reasonable price, but I had to sacrifice it for some rare titles I wanted to own. Playing for Pizza, I will get you next year I promise.
• Some books that I can no longer recall, which is PHEWWW A HUGE RELIEF because that means I didn't really need to buy it in the first place HAHA.

It took me nearly two hours to realllly choose the ones that I've chosen. I'm proud of some of my selections. I mean..I'm SO HAPPY I found some of these titles that I've chosen to buy. We'll get to that soon. 

1. A PRAYER FOR OWEN MEANY

I knowwww! You'd be like "Ermahgerdd why is she buying a book that she already has?"

I adore this book! I want to reread it over and over again in the near future. Keeping an extra copy would be a good idea. But most importantly I purchased this again because I want that classic cover design. Not sure if that's the first edition cover (I'll Google about that later) but if you look for Owen Meany hashtags on Instagram, Americans normally have this edition (right). Left one is a fairly recent edition.

2. INTRODUCTION TO CRIMINOLOGY

Cool subject. I don't care if it was written in the 70s or 80s or 90s. I don't care if it's a super old edition. Can you imagine a day when you need to switch of your wifi router cos the weather is super bad and it's raining heavily outside with thunderstorm and lightning? Hah. This is the perfect book to read bit by bit during those kind of days. This is a huge and heavy book so I cannot imagine bringing it to college to be read while waiting for my classes to start. Unless..yknow..unless I want people to think that I'm a snob. 

3. PSYCHOLOGY: UNDERSTANDING BEHAVIOR

Just look at how retro that book cover is. So hard to resist. I'm not going to lie and tell you I know a lot about Psychology, but hey I don't think the facts and stuffs change over the years? Or do they? Only one way to find out... (Obviously I haven't had the time or commitment to sit properly and read this page by page..)

One of my tutors this semester told us that there is only one way to understand students if you want to be a good educator. And that is through learning and applying psychology. I've been thinking about this and hmmmh I'm not even sure if I really want to teach (dealing with people is not something I enjoy doing) but you know..you never know. Still have a lot to learn..

4. LITERATUREEEEE

I cannot wait to read every page of this book. It's like the ultimate guide for you to claim that you know a thing or two about literature. I've pretty much summed up what I think of this book. Very happy to have bought this. The previous owner's name is on first page of the book hahaha. I managed to search her Facebook because of the rare surname. 

5. THE ULTIMATE ENCYCLOPEDIA OF BASKETBALL

Old book. No Pau, no LeBron, definitely no Steph Curry. Jordan, Abdul-Jabbar, Pippen, Magic Johnson--all yep. You get the idea. This book was published in 1996. All the legends during and before that are in this book. All you need to know about NBA from the beginning of time until 1996 are here. Very happy to welcome this into my collection. If I could get a modern version with all those recent great players it would be very cool.

6. BLA BLA BLA EXCELLENCE

Years ago I'd be ashamed to carry or purchase these kind of books. But eh, time for a change I guess. I kinda regret buying both of these. One would be enough, Didn't realise both are mainly written by the same person. Let's just hope the contents aren't the same.

7. THE PSYCHOLOGY OF WINNING

My mouse is pink not because I bought it. It was a free item.

I like this book. So far so good. Halfway through the whole thing. Very insightful. I'm not sure whether I would like it if I read it in 2012-2014 (If you get what I mean..). I won't recommend it to someone who has depression. It's hard to speak in a general manner but if I read this while I was depressed I might feel that the author is belittling my depression. It does make you think and reflect though, especially about how much control you actually have over your life. Reading this reminds me of my parents and how the previous generation seem to be able to man up more in tough times. Again, this is me just generalising stuffs. Funny how psychology really plays a vital part in our lives.

And no, don't judge this book by its cover (and the title). You'll be like "OH SO KIASU, TALKING ABOUT WINNING." Well. That is why I love this book. It's not about the winning thing you think it is. It's more about how you can win against your negative self. 

8. LONG TITLE(S) TOO LAZY TO TYPE

Wish me luck. My plan for next year's Goodreads Reading Challenge is to read just classics. Or..you know..MAINLY classics. These are on the waiting list. Might read them sooner than I think.

9. HEH

I haven't checked if this is on Goodreads yet.

10. A TIME TO KILL

Everyone seems to say this is Grisham's best work. Only one way to find out... 

ANDDDD 

11. EAST OF EDEN

I am extremely delighted to find this gem among the piles of other classics. I've always wanted to buy this but my local bookstore sells it for RM46! Crazy price! This was RM5.90 if I'm not mistaken. Hope I'll enjoy reading this.

12. TWO OTHER BOOKS I FORGOT TO SNAP PICTURES OF (and I'm not gonna do it cos my SD card is still in my laptop right now.)

-The Soul's Code --> I read some pretty convincing Goodreads reviews before purchasing this.

-Word Origins --> Cool book especially if you have geeky friends who you want to impress with random knowledge of word origins. Imagine staring a conversation with "Hey, did you know the word ___ came from ___ because ____." 

___________________________________________________________

So yeah that's pretty much everything about the booksale. I'm still sad that I can't find:

• The Count of Monte Cristo (Penguin Classics edition, they say this one has the best translation)
• Infinite Jest
• And I forgot to go to the kids section to find Roald Dahl titles. I feel so sad that I forgot. :(

I reallllly want to read these two books. And I haven't seen them anywhere in front of my own eyes yet. Pretty sad eh. Funny how in some parts of the world people can get books so easily and they have cheap books all year round. While some don't even have the chance to learn how to read because books are so limited. And there's us here..where smart book-buying skills are needed so that yknow..you can actually buy books and not be broke. I've stopped buying books sold at regular prices in bookstores. Glad that these kind of booksale exists. 

A girl standing near me while I was taking a wefie with my dad said loudly to her bunch of friends that "WAHLAO SO JEALOUS AH! TWO PLASTIC BAGS AH!"referring to me ehermmm. I was like..in my heart.. Eh gurllll you're merely seeing the fun part of it. Took me a year to save for this. And it looks a lot but seriously..I didn't spend that much. Last year I saw the customer before me paying RM500. Now that's A LOT. But hey, go ahead and spend as much as you can and as much as you want. Books are cool stuffs.

I remember going there for the second time last year on the final day and they reduced the prices of a lot of classics to RM2. Not sure whether I'll be having the chance to go again but I think I'm happy enough I got all these. 

I am currently reading KL Noir, a book I borrowed from the library. Kinda good. 

And I had coffee during lunch and I didn't have any naps today and I'm so impressed what coffee can do to me. I started writing the song I wanted to write (two verses done so far), I practised a fingerstyle arrangement, and you know.. JUST WANT TO END THIS POST BY SAYING THAT COFFEE MAKES ME HAPPYYYY. And books make me happy too of course.

November

New shoes

I finally bought a pair of formal shoes because next week I'll be walking up on stage to perform my hit single. I don't want to get into a last minute fight with some people who holds the authority over dress codes. So yeah, I went to the shoe store with my parents and I stood in front of a rack full of black formal shoes and my dad was like "This one looks good" and I was like "uhmm ahh yeah" and in less than 5 minutes dad paid it for me. Yay. This reminds me of that day before the annual grand dinner back in 2013 when I went shopping for a dress with my housemate and in less than 5 minutes I pointed towards a dress hanging in a store and said "aha! That's the one!" I mean seriously, I am always amazed by my shopping skills. 

Guy on the bus

I'm sorry I keep on talking about people on buses but seriously they're the best people where I learn some of the most important life lessons.

Last Thursday my bus stopped at the usual stop near the back gate of SGH and as usual when buses stop to pick passengers up I won't really care cos I hate staring at people. But that day I glanced quickly and a familiar face appeared.

What are the odds of seeing someone you've sat next to on a bus a few weeks earlier? I mean it's not that shocking anyway. I've seen some familiar faces even more frequently. But this guy intrigues me.

And that day he sat on the seat just opposite to mine across the aisle. I'm not sure whether he remembers me. But I remember him. Same old white t-shirt, same old jeans maybe, same bag, same checkered shirt which he took off and carried around (I suspect he wore it in the hospital because hospitals are cold), and most importantly, same old gait. Slow. Painful. Thinning hair. He can't be more than 45, can't be younger than 28, but you know how illness can deceive the way you guess someone's age based on their appearance.

Is it cancer? If yes, what stage? Or is it just a regular checkup? I wish I was Sherlock sometimes. I wish I had some basic medical diagnosis skills just by fast observance. 

I wish I was Sherlock because on the first time I met him, he sat next to me because the bus was full. And the bus broke down at Batu Lintang, and when everyone got off the bus, I quickly wanted to get off too. I didn't realise though that he was slow to get up and move away from the seat we shared. If I knew, if I saw that he's an ill man, I wouldn't have rushed. And that's why I remembered him the second time I saw him. I felt bad that I didn't notice I was sitting next to an ill man. 

Sometimes I marvel at the thought that it's so much easier to have compassion for strangers than someone you personally know. I don't know this man. He could be a bad guy. But because I don't know anything about him, and only seen this side of him (a man of poor health, taking a public bus to the hospital--where is his family? This is Kuching. People don't normally take public transport unless there are no other choices), I kinda feel for him. Strangers are like books you haven't read. 

This reminds me of Passenger's song 'David'. I wanted to write a short story with this idea but I'm not good at creative writing. I thought that writing a song about it would be cool, but songwriting is a process I struggle with nowadays. In the end I just don't know..it's like I have so many thoughts bottled up about strangers I've met on buses and there aren't any good outlets where I can express all of these thoughts I have about them. Sometimes I begin to think that this is a clear indication about my life purpose, or my calling as they call it. I want to work with broken people. I want to work for broken people. I'm almost positive that I want to work for people who are vulnerable, hurt, ill, but I'm not good with people at all so idk man, is there a job where I can help them in a less direct way? 

Terima kasih

I also met a blind man at the bus station and I wonder how can blind people board buses. I mean..I don't exactly wonder about how they do it, but I am humbled by their courage. The bus station is a harsh place. It's harsher when you can't see, and dozens of people are just walking past in front of you while you're standing directly under the blazing sunlight.

But we're stupid aren't we? In a crowd where kindness and compassion isn't the usual thing to do, we hesitate to take an action that we know is right.

I asked him where he was heading to and he told me the bus number that he was waiting for. And I asked him whether he wanted to sit down. And I even made a hand gesture, showing him where to sit, before realising that..why I am using hand gestures with a blind man. Apparently I'm not as bright as I think I am.

I guided him to sit down and before I left him there, he said "terima kasih" to me. Simple words. Great feeling. Funny innit? Why do our hearts expand when we do something simple to our fellow men, especially a complete stranger? Why do we feel like skipping and jumping? Why do we feel so good about ourselves when we help people? Is it a clear indication that we were created to love people? Then why is there so much hate in this world? Why is it harder to love that annoying sibling? That annoying friend? That annoying teacher? Why? 

I left the blind man as I boarded my own bus. After the bus started moving, I knew I made a mistake.

I was still that selfish person. If I was a completely selfless individual, I would've waited with him. Made sure that he boarded the right bus. But I didn't--because I wanted to return home quickly and get my afternoon nap. But I learnt my lesson that day. Apparently being completely selfless is hard.

That's about it. I'm on a one week midterm break filled with assignments and more deadlines coming up. Striving to be a better person everyday, not just in terms of cgpa. I want to know myself more than ever. I want to read more books on leadership and character and psychology and I want to get better at drawing portraits. I want to get back to playing fingerstle guitar seriously. I want to let some of my friends know that they really matter to me. I want to have self-control over my voice when answering my parents, without having to raise it an octave higher when I'm annoyed. I want to finally have the courage to play guitar for the Christmas carol team next month, a dream I've been having since 13. I want to prove to myself that c'mon, I got one life, there is one Fiay in this world, and I don't care if my life sucks compared to others. I have the ill man and the blind man to remind me about a lot of good things. #blessed #selfmotivation 

Stuffs

I was blogging during the whole journey back home by bus from college today. I mean..I was blogging inside my brain, constructing lots of sentences, jumping from one imaginary blog post to another..letting my mind wander a bit. I guess it's because of the coffee. Bus rides are cool because it's probably the only time my mind is filled with inspirations to write song lyrics and blog posts and imaginary dialogues. I mean..this blog post is not really going to mention anything significant but there were some stuffs that I feel like typing here.

Life list

Believe it or not I've only managed to list 75 life goals in my life list or whatever you choose to call it. My target is 101 because that's what most people do. I've been writing down a draft and I really don't want to write down stuffs just for the sake of having a life list, so I'm taking it slowly. Also, while on the bus, I thought of posting up those goals with a little bit of description on my blog soon. Maybe 10 goals per blog post. Cos..I don't know..blog posts are supposed to be silly stuffs that you can laugh about in years to come, I guess. 

Driving with dad

I've been driving to college with my dad for a few days and what I like the most about it is that..I don't know, it's like the only quality time I spend with my dad apart from dinner time. A few days ago we had a conversation about what if he stayed as a teacher and never entered the navy. He recalled about a friend who failed in Form 3 but is now a teacher. This guy, Mr. P, now drives a nice car and his salary is perhaps twice the amount that dad receives. I'm sure that my dad is not regretting about not staying as a teacher, and that is his road not taken. And maybe in 35 years to come I'll look back and tell my kids that sometimes I imagine what would happen if I chose to stay in the medical path. And that is my road not taken. But before I even thought of myself and that perspective, I kinda asked my dad that at the end of the day would he still want to switch his life with his friend's life? At the end of the day, would he want to become Mr. P, or would he be happy that despite the fact that his current job is not the best job in the world, he had the privilege to be in a previous job that allowed him to see the world and live in a four-seasoned country for nearly a decade. And then it hit me that I was probably advising myself. I don't think I'd want to trade my life with someone else's life although they may appear happier than me. 

Bus ride home

And in front of me this afternoon on the bus was a lady born in the year 1967 who was named Chang K.M. and she had boxes of Metoprolol and medications that had lolols at the end of their names. When placing her stuff on her seat, her plastic of wantan mee dropped in front of me and she was struggling to pick it up before I realised that this was actually happening. I then picked it up and she said thank you and that warmed my heart for whatever weird reason. Sometimes I imagine having random meaningful conversations with these kind of people on the bus, but I'm too afraid to initiate any. I mean..I look at these people and wonder that there must be some interesting stories in their lives. You must've been thinking that I actually talked to her but no, I saw her name and IC number when she took out her hospital card while sitting in front of me. Nothing special happened, actually. I'm just mentioning about this lady here because in my life list, one of my goals is to have a meaningful conversation with a complete stranger. But I'm too cautious/afraid to do that. And I understand that initiating something like this is like invading someone's personal space or something, because no one acts friendly on bus rides. So yeah, I'm just being weird because of the coffee, I guess.

That's pretty much it, I guess. It's not that anything special is happening in my life right now, but I'm trying to think of special stuffs each day. I'm kinda thinking of learning to draw with pen and ink because life is kinda boring with nothing new to learn. Of course my course materials don't count because I'm always more diligent when I learn stuffs that are unrelated to college. Hahaha. Oh, how I love adding random hahahas, 

Oh, tober II

Breaking news:

New semester—Classes on every single weekday, all at 8am.

Which means I'll have to wake up at 5.30am every single weekday.

Biggest disappointment—Won't be able to jog on weekday mornings as planned. Won't jog in the evening because don't want to be seen by neighbours. Conclusion: won't be jogging at all, will most probably gain weight before the new year.

Won't be able to sleep too late too. Kinda sucks that I normally get more productive after midnight. 

Biggest joy—Won't need to have lunch at uni. Will be able to go back home before noon. Conclusion: will be saving a lot of money this semester. More money to buy books yeaaaarrrghhh! Will also probably get a library card if I'm motivated enough to walk to the City Council Library after my morning classes. Kinda excited. Yay.

Blogging from phone. Kinda tricky.

Oh, tober

Oh, it's October. (Lame, ha ha ha).

I'll be back to school soon. Other than that, oh come on, we all know I don't have a life.

I'm awake at almost 3am because I suddenly thought about bucket lists and life goals and that life list thingy I used to have back in my glory days. Now I'm like..contemplating..whether I should revive that life list or just live life the way it is. It gets pretty boring sometimes, stuck in this boring neighbourhood. And the fact that summer has just ended makes it worse because summer equals to travel pics on social media and sometimes I wish I wasn't so addicted to social media. Sometimes I wish Facebook was never invented. Sometimes I wish I'd be more grateful. But damn it, Europe is so beautiful.

To console my aching soul, I spent my short semester break watching basketball games and imagining myself meeting Pau Gasol and Sergio Llull. Llull liked the photo of the portrait of him that I drew and uploaded on Instagram. I'm like...trying to make myself feel better by telling myself that come on, a Real Madrid basketball player now knows he has a fan in this dog-shaped island called Borneo, and I complimented his fast feet/legs during the recent EuroBasket 2015 and he must've felt happy that I took 6 hours to draw him (and compliment how great he was on court) and that alone is a spectacular feeling. I'd like to think that Sergio Llull was smiling in front of his smartphone. And I made an impact by just sitting for 6 hours on my lazy chair. Not bad at all, I guess. I'll travel to Europe next time. Besides, I don't deserve a travel right now. My friends worked their ass off for 2 years before getting the chance. My degree course so far isn't requiring me to work my ass off that much. I mean..I'm not working hard enough for anything right now and I know many people deserves greater things than me. Simple as that.

But my results were OK anyway which makes me feel alright. As in..I was sort of slothing around last semester, if that's even a legit way to describe it. I'm not as stressed as last time when it comes to studies. Not sure whether last semester was easy or I put an effort subconsciously, but either way, I'm too lazy to get stressed with academic matters these days. Let's see what the next semester has to offer. 

I'm thinking of writing a new song. Got a new theme in my brain, but right now the right lines aren't coming out. I also ditched my plan to learn a new fingerstyle arrangement. I was too busy having fun drawing. The drawing period is dying already. I'm pretty sure I'll be indulged in a new hobby soon. It's always that way. My hobbies are so short-lived. 

Writing a long update won't bring me anywhere, so yeah, I'm just going to stop here. Till then, I'll dream of Spain and basketball and Sergio Llull...

Oh ya and Tommy Emmanuel is coming to KL soon and I hate myself for not grabbing this chance to watch him live. Will there be another chance for me in the future? I don't know. I guess keeping a bucket list isn't going to make me happy, so it's better not to keep one then, maybe. *wails*

Brief Update

Nothing much have been going on but I'm just going to leave some updates here since we'll be entering a new month tomorrow. I've kind of lost the motivation to blog (and I haven't been writing on my journal for weeks!). Gah. I guess it's because there's nothing much to jot down anyway.

Some random updates:

Guitar

-Still crazy about guitar, but haven't been practising much. I don't think I'll be continuing my previous goal of playing Adam Rafferty's arrangement of 'I'll Be There.' I'm a bit disappointed with myself especially that my fingerstyle channel on YouTube is a bit dead since I kinda stopped practising during my finals last sem. I thought that I had to take a break from fingerstyle to avoid as much as distractions during exam week but that kind of caused my momentum to stop there. My goals about fingerstyle guitar isn't as high as it used to be.

-I'm trying to play Tomi Paldanius' arrangement of 'Livin on a Prayer.' It's really different from the previous arrangements of other songs that I've played before this, because it requires thumb independence like what Tommy Emmanuel always stresses about. Developing thumb independence is what I've been doing for the past week, and just two days ago I kind of got the hang of it. If I don't lose my motivation this might be the next piece that I'm going to upload.

Books

-I've just finished reading John Irving's 'A Prayer for Owen Meany' which is a really good book. It kind of reminds me of some books that I've read earlier this year. Reading this took me about three weeks I think? And it's a bit special because it's my first book to have its spine broken. I don't know how to explain it, but before this I always take extra care when reading thick books. I never break my books' spines before because I try really hard to make my books look brand new. This time it was just..you know..eff it, books with broken spines are sexy too.

-Currently 9 books behind schedule on my  Goodreads' reading goal, and I honestly don't think I'll be achieving my goal this year, unless I cheat a bit. Kinda losing the motivation to read as well. My current book, 'The Godfather' is not that bad but I'm beginning to feel bored of reading because I have too many goals to accomplish this holiday. (We'll get to that soon). My sem break is really short and I have less than two weeks before I enter my new sem. 

Basketball

-Yep you've read that right. Thanks to this semester break (albeit being really short), and the recent Eurobasket tournament, I've been able to catch up on some basketball stuffs and it made me realise how much I miss basketball, and that court next to my block in Akasia, and my A-Level season which I spent more time shooting balls than studying (hahaha).

-I haven't been shooting balls since July 2013 but my basketball is something that I touch and dribble daily in my room. I wish I had some friends and a place where I can play basketball in Kuching, but too bad I don't know anyone and any places which allow people to shoot basketballs for free..alone..without being judged (cos obviously I'm not that good).

-Talking about the recent Eurobasket, well, I've been developing this weird love towards Spain because, lol, obviously, I've been watching the games of Spain versus other teams and these Spaniards are so cool with their glorious beards. I've been rummaging through my folder of old newspaper cuttings and was amazed that I actually kept newspaper cuttings of Pau Gasol when he was in the Lakers. That was..kinda back when I was still in secondary school. And honestly..I wasn't a fan of Gasol back then. I just kept newspaper cuttings of NBA games cos I loved the pictures. I know, weird. 

-Anyway. I'm going to talk about Spain because: dang, these guys revived my love for basketball. It reminds me of the days when I watched Slam Dunk on Animax. Sergio Llull reminds me of Ryota Miyagi. I'd like to say I really love Gasol, but Llull's moves as a point guard is so admirable. (Gasol is like a combination of Akagi Takenori and Hisashi Mitsui, if that's even a legit way to describe him). I also love Mirotic. You gotta love his massive beard. I've been really enjoying the games that they played in and that kind of makes me miss playing basketball more. 

Other Stuffs

-During my final exam some one or two weeks ago, I planned that I should start learning Mandarin. Just like anything else that I've learnt, I thought that hey, maybe I can find free resources and start teaching myself. I've taught myself some basic things, but I still still don't get how the Chinese characters work. You know, like how the Thai alphabets work.. I gotta find out about things like this first because I am more interested in reading a language before being able to converse in that language well.

-I haven't been driving for weeks omg. I seriously don't know how am I going to be able to drive well after this if I don't keep on practising.

Well, that's about it, I guess. Can't believe October will be coming so soon and this year is going to end in just a few more months. Still haven't jogged. Still haven't exercised. Still haven't done the things I thought I'd be doing by now. 

Driving with Dad (and Other Stories)

Last Friday, I finally received my P licence card from my instructor and that closed another chapter of my life, well, sort of, I guess. And of course, another chapter began.

The last thing my instructor told me was "Don't drive too fast." He repeated this several times, as if during practise sessions I liked driving too fast. Well, to be fair, I once drove at a certain speed (shall not be disclosed) with him. I did that because well, the brain is a very useful organ. I only realised about the psychological game behind my actions after I wrote a reflective entry in my journal.

This was what I wrote the night I received my licence card, four days after not driving, and the day before I drove with my dad:

"It's like after this no one is going to slam the brakes for me, swerve the steering wheel away from danger, or with fast hands honk another car that's going to hit me." (All three have actually happened during my practise sessions on the road lol). "After this, it's all going to be in my hands, and it kinda scares me. I will remember not to drive too fast."

..aaaand the next day my dad woke me up while I was napping. The plan was to drive to Siburan, a small town located several miles away from home. 

However, from a distance we saw that the traffic light broke down and I freaked out because obviously everyone drove using their own intellect and skills and I am so new to this situation hahaha. We made a last minute change in plans--the 'easier' route was obviously Kota Samarahan, well, at least it was easier at that point where the traffic light broke down, because no other vehicles were fighting to get there.

I suddenly freaked out again when I realised that Kota Samarahan has roundabouts. And lots of lorries. And weird wavy roads. Believe it or not, I went from this trying-to-act-cool-kid who drove at (speed shall not be disclosed) during lessons, to this kid who only had the guts to go 50km/h that evening. I took the words of my instructor quite literally. I didn't drive too fast. To make matters worse, my dad was scaring me with various remarks.

To be fair, it was my first time driving along this unfamiliar road. I stopped freaking out when we reached Kota Sentosa and the road back home (dang, we made a hugeeee turn) because these are the places where I always drove along. Still, at the speed of 50-60km/h, everything seemed so fast.

This was what I wrote on my journal that day:

"At the speed of 50-60km/h, everything seemed too fast. This amazes me in a way that during lessons I always had the guts to drive faster than that. Maybe it's a psychological thing. You know..cos I knew Mr. Sim will always be ready to slam the brakes for me if things happen. This time, all shit will be on my shoulders. Man, it's like moving out from infancy right into adulthood."

And really, honestly, the feeling of "moving out from infancy right into adulthood" kind of saddens me. Lessons were fun. Screw up and laugh. Hooray! Now the real thing is happening. Screw up and..well..there will be consequences.

On the next day, I drove to college with my dad. One of his remarks that is embedded in my brain right now was "If there were to be a pregnant woman in this car, she would've given birth right now." And I was not even speeding. You can pretty much say that my dad and I don't get along pretty well on usual days. This weekend was kind of like an exception, because only the two of us were at home.

My mum went for a church activity for 3 nights. She doesn't always leave home like this, and it felt so weird for me to be at home with just my dad. On usual days, I don't watch TV at all. I'd sit for hours in my room and go out to the kitchen, but rarely the living room. However, this weekend was so weird. I fully took over my mum's role of cooking and cleaning and everything and suddenly I feel so sad that this is the way of life for an adult woman. In other words, there seems to be no life at all. I don't want to grow up. Helping my mum on usual days were fine, normal, OK, bearable, but doing everything all by yourself kinda sucks. If I was alone, I could have just cooked something simple, but at the presence of my dad, I had a weird feeling of wanting to prove that I can cook something decent for both of us. 

So I listened to his stories. Talked to him. Controlled myself from feeling annoyed when I didn't agree with what he said. I sat for hours in front of the TV and we watched documentaries and funny shows together. It made me feel weird. First of all, I noticed that I do have some similarities with my dad. We do share some opinions. And I do know that these opinions are not what we share with my mum. And then there are some opinions that I reallllllly don't agree with. And these opinions annoy me very much. And then I realised that, well, I don't know man. I guess what I'm trying to say is that...I wish I spent more time with my dad (and vice versa). I actually enjoyed going out for lunch with him without the presence of my other family members, although we didn't talk much and he didn't enjoy the food. 

And that's it, I guess. Pretty much sums up my weekend. I don't think my dad is going to allow me to drive anywhere without his supervision yet, although to be honest there's nothing much he can do when I'm driving and he's sitting next to me. There are no extra brake pedals for him. Everything's still on my shoulders. And this is what scares me so much. This summer I guess being able to drive marks another chapter in my life as an adult. It feels like there is an extra responsibility to take care of. I know the way I mention it is like exaggerating a tiny stuff that most 17 year olds have achieved, but to me every time I think of driving, I think of my dad and how would he react if I screw up. 

Kinda makes riding buses a more appealing option, to be honest..

Withdrawal Symptoms

Was so tired last night but couldn't sleep. 10 minutes after switching off the lights, I switched them on again and grabbed a book with the hope that it will make me sleepy enough. The book was too literature-ish, so grabbed another book. Read that one until the fifth chapter and decided to switch the lights off again.

Woke up at 7.30am and decided to roll back into my blanket. Woke up two hours later. Having flu for the whole day. It's getting worse. I'm sneezing like crazy now.

My inner soul is jumping around but my body is so sluggish. I have homeworks from last week (I forgot to tell that yesterday I skipped THREE CLASSES booyeah and I'm planning to submit all of my homeworks this Thursday). But I'm so lazy. Part of me misses the excitement and thrill of yesterday. Part of me is reminding myself of my responsibility to start studying for finals because I want to get into the Dean's List and get a free education gahhh because I don't want to be burdened by an education loan for the rest of my adult years. But but...I'm still thinking of yesterday and the good times of driving around the litar. It's like a happy drug had been taken away from me. I really don't get what the hell am I feeling.

I starting to miss everything as if it's a drama series that I've been so attached to. It's like all of the episodes have ended and now I'm left with no new drama series. I feel so empty and sad and lazy and listening to Biffy Clyro sort of amplifies the feeling but soothes it at the same time. I'm being weirdddd agaiiiinnnnn. Aaaaaaa.

I still feeling like jumping and going out or do something other than staying inside my room in front of a sheet of paper filled with unanswered past year questions. I'm also tired of sleeping. What is this feeling? :/