Summer and Raindrops

I can feel that this is going to be my last original song for the time being, particularly because it's not normal for me to have new ideas in a continuous period of time. The most I can do so far is to write one song per month, and I'm not aiming to go beyond that.

Thank you for those who have been following my songs, despite having to bear with my awful vocals. I appreciate their courage in clicking the play button.

Till we meet again, sometime, someday.

Fee.

Song Number 8

So there was this sudden tune in my mind when I strummed some random chords a few days ago.

Started taking it seriously on the 18th and managed to complete it on the 20th. 

Like most of the songs I've written before, this is just another simple song which won't really stick in people's minds. The reason I keep on doing this is simple - when you really love doing something, you don't need to find a reason why you keep going on, because no matter what the outcome is, you've enjoyed what you've done. Let's just say I'm one of those people who enjoys expressing thoughts and feelings through words and music. The ones who have the desire to be noticed but unnoticed at the same time. Hmm. I've just found a sentence I can use to describe myself. 

Enough with the long-windedness, here you go:

RAINDROPS IN MY SUMMER

Verses:

You

came into my life just like a morning dew

sunset with a purple hue

Just like a dream

yet so true

You

make my heart skip a beat or two

hum songs that make my days brand new

Make me tap my feet

'cause in my heart there's a tune

Pre-chorus:

Do you know the feeling?

Dancing on the dry leaves I'm stepping

Walking on a sunny day

The strong breeze hits my face

Chorus:

You might be the raindrops in my summer

But don't you know you're the sunshine in my winter too

The sounds of wind in autumn are your whispers

As the flowers bloom I see your smiles too

Everything around me

just reminds me of you

Yes, you!

*Instrumental*

Bridge:

Maybe I look like a fool dancing in the rain

Maybe it's hard to forget the pain

but rain or sunshine in my summer I don't want to care anymore

All I want to do, is to thank you

Ends with chorus

___________________________________________

And as usual, here comes the long story, so that I can refer to this one day and laugh at my own innocent 19-years-old way of thinking.

You might have your own interpretation, you might see this as another typical love song, you might feel geli about the lyrics (haha) but chill, chill, I don't write stupid love songs (well maybe I do, unintentionally).

I'm very particular about lyrics, I don't only listen to songs just for fun, that's one of the reasons I write lyrics for myself. Sometimes I just can't find a song that really tells about my feelings.

The reason I chose "Raindrops in My Summer" as the title is because I love songs and poems that talk about seasons. To me, Raindrops in Summer symbolises something good, yet bad, something you can love, yet hate, and I think it carries the meaning of the whole thing I'm trying to say in this song. In life, there's always a person who can be harsh to you, scold you, neglect you, abandon you, or ignore you, but when you love that person, you can never really hate them. I'm not talking about lovers here. Or crushes. I'm talking about other categories of people and I leave that one for you to figure out.

My first listener didn't like this song because she said it sounds like another depressing love song. 

But I can assure you that this song is very different from the others songs I've written, mainly because I tried to avoid direct usage of words in conveying my meaning because I didn't want to make everything too clear. Every single feeling, every single thoughts have been linked with the surroundings - the things you see and do on a typical day - step on dry leaves, watch the sunset, hum songs, tap your feet, etc. The only two clear things are the end of the chorus and the end of the bridge.

I also managed to write something for the bridge, which is not normal for me to do because I always run out of ideas. I figured out an instrumental solo on my guitar as well, but since I don't have someone to help me play that part (considering that I need to play the rhythm at the same time), I had to omit it while recording.

I love this song, but still I think gone are the days when I can write something as good as Smell the Rain. (I said 'good', not 'great' - yes, I know the difference between those two). XD

Will upload this once I get 20 views for the previous song. No kidding. Lol.

Time to sleeeeeeeep.

Day...I Don't Know

Day 5 was the last update I had here eh?

Been home for exactly 2 weeks now. Human beings adapt pretty well, I have to say. Two weeks sound so long so I guess my blog deserves an update.

Accomplished a few things. Learnt a few things. Failed a few things. 

Arranged a hangout session with a good friend from secondary school a few days ago. Reason why I think it's a pretty huge thing because a) I don't normally meet up with my friends here; b) I applied what I learnt from the people of SA when I met her; because c) She told me a few weeks ago that she had lost her hope in God; and d) It wasn't a coincidence that she chose to contact me, the one over the sea, out of many other friends here, to share her problem with; and e) I kept on saying that I'm always the one receiving and receiving and I also want to give encouragement to someone; and f) I see this as a chance of God using me. 

Although I don't see how significant my help was towards her, but talking through experience, especially during those depressing days in college when I needed people to talk to and to express my emotions emoness, I believe I did make a change. At least now she knows that she has a friend who won't judge her because God didn't tell us to judge and condemn people. Well I'm not here to brag about how good I am as a friend because that's not the truth, but all I want to say is that I see God creating opportunities even though sometimes it's quite hard to realise.

I still can't force myself to wake up at 4, despite having the ability to resist any online activities for the past few days. I don't know if this whole thing is going to work well, but I have to say it's so tough to stay disciplined - it's easy to plan things and get motivated but too bad the motivation doesn't last long and I'm fed up of being in this cycle.

Talking about less serious things, well, I finally had a new haircut yesterday. Actually wanted to cut it way shorter but I was too scared, and yeah, it turned out not like I expected it to be. 

Started teaching myself drumming without drums thanks to a YouTube dude who shared some lessons, haha. I don't think I'm able to go far, considering that I have a whole load of other things to focus on if I want to ace my exams. Just learnt about quarter notes and eighth notes, not sure whether I should continue. Wisdom needed in time management if I really want to get serious in learning drums.

I have to admit I'm scared that time for me to study will not be enough during this break. It's so not fun to procrastinate, but ah, it's not easy to not be me. And it's not easy to be me as well.

Oh I just don't get myself sometimes.

The Depressing Love Song

Here you go, lovely readers. Just a depressing song written last March during the mid semester break while I was having a flu. You can find the story behind the song somewhere in my March blog posts. No, this isn't a song written specially for anyone, and no, I was/am not in love. 

I need to start searching for someone to sing my songs for me. But no one would like to. 

Haha.

The (Very) Old Song

Took me nearly two years to finally record it properly.

This is the SPM song I've been showing off to a lot of friends (can't remember who), it isn't a really good one, but I remember the fun I had while trying to figure out the words that rhyme and the excitement of completing it before SPM. I also remember those innocent days when completing a song in 3 days seemed to be a very huge achievement XD

Sadly, I never got to figure out the correct key I should sing in, so here you go, don't tell me I didn't remind you earlier on how bad my voice can be.

I'm happy I wrote something like this two years ago.Haha.

Here's the story behind the song:
30 Days - The Original SPM Song

One Year (and One Month, 4 Days) Later

Yesh. That's the exact period of time since I last stepped to this place.

Try guess where am I. Nah, it ain't supposed to be a riddle. I'm in the State Library, located a few kilometres from my home, and that's not the main thing I'm thinking about.

One year, one month and 4 days ago, I came here for the first time in my life as an innocent teen who was about to turn 18 on the next day. I was full of hope, full of anxiety, full of dreams.

I was taking the step I really dreamt of before facing my SPM. I was going to the first interview I had in my life. I had my JPA interview here.

Passing by the discussion room made me smile, thinking of that day when I spoke English like never before (I still remember how I used to curse inside my head whenever I ran out of ideas to answer the questions during the interview), that day I kept on stepping on my baju kurung as I went down the stairs, that day when I made friends and talked to a few town students. One year has indeed passed so fast.

Enough with the nostalgic feelings, well I'm here none other for the reason of *coughs* doing some research for my Bio Unit 3 issue report. I never took it seriously whenever I went to the college library (kept on going to the racks of novels instead..), so I am taking it seriously here. And this may be the last time I'm coming here for this semester break because it's so far from my home. I wish I could walk here.

So yeah. It's fun to come back to a certain place that unwinds your memories and reminds you of how young you used to be XD

Now allow me to get back to the books and flip through the pages again, please.

Nothing

Nah, I know it was just yesterday when I said I wanted to blog less, but this morning I've just found out about something..

I lost 3kg in 4 months, making me fall under the category of slightly underweight considering my BMI. 

Bye.

(The reason why I blog so much is because I treat this blog more like twitter and fb - can't imagine if I keep on updating my status on fb - that will make me look so kepoh, so I do it here instead). HEHE.

Day 5

It's day 5 already but I haven't accomplished anything significant, I've broke some of my promises, and I can feel that I'm changing back to the Mr. Hyde side of me. So in order to keep myself on the right track, I would just like to make a promise here so that I'll feel guilty if I happen to break any in the future. And I'm going to state my plans and goals for this very short break as well, so that I'll be ashamed of myself if I fail to complete or achieve them.

Goals/Promises/Plans:

I, Fee A, hereby promise that I will try to..

1. Control myself from facebooking and youtubing too much.

2. Control myself from sleeping/lazing around/playing guitar too much.

3. Spend money wisely during this break, avoid buying unnecessary stuffs.

4. Starting from tomorrow (Monday, 14th May 2012), I will try to sleep at 12 and wake up at 6 to STUDY.

5. After some time, I will try to wake up at 5.30am, or 5am, then 4.30am to STUDY.

6. Finish revising everything by the time I have to return to Akasia.

7. Finish my research for Bio Unit 3 at least before going back to grandparents' place for Gawai.

8. Complete my Unit 3 in time.

9. Gain wait.

10. Understand the topics that I never seemed to understand in the past semesters.

Ah. I am serious about these things, but I don't know what's going happen to me in the weeks to come. One good friend of mine said that the first step is always the hardest, but I really want to succeed. I seriously don't want to waste my past effort. Reading back my journal made me realise that I used to be so motivated in the past, and I just don't know what has happened to me.

So basically from now on I guess I will be blogging less, just like what I have done before SPM. Facebook and 9gag will be a place where I drop by occasionally, hopefully. I know if I want to see myself change for the better, I must be able to sacrifice these kind of things. Well, it's easier said than done, so wish me luck on that.

I developed my second sem photos yesterday and kept them nicely in my new album. My next goal is to get myself a decent digital camera using some cash I've been keeping for decades. Not sure whether it's a wise thing to do or not. Problem with me is that when I really want something that I know I'm capable of getting without the help from my parents, I seldom think twice about it. Wisdom needed here. 

Today's mother's day, as we all know - and I find myself in a situation where I can't seem to tell my mum that I love her or even say "happy mother's day". All these while I thought I'm really good in expressing feelings, but now I realise that I don't really know how to express my feelings verbally. Writing out things is far easier, I guess. I used to think that my dad never cared about my birthday when he didn't wish me, but now, seeing myself in almost the same situation, I come to a conclusion whereby it's not what we say that counts the most, but it's what we do. It's that awkward feeling that prevents me from telling my parents that I love them, so maybe I got some of those traits from my dad, who knows. I just can't do it because it's awkward. So...if I die young (heh), I guess you readers will have to take the responsibility to tell my mum that I once blogged about this here. I love my mum and she's one of the reasons I'm pushing myself even when I feel like giving up sometimes. I just want to make her happy. I still remember when I first entered boarding school in Form 1, I cried because I couldn't stop thinking of her, and not my home or my other family members. Although she's strict at times (like when I can't get up in the morning for church), it's all for good reasons, and I know she cares a lot for me. Because of that, I am where I am now, and I am indeed grateful for that.

Ending my post tonight, I just want to say that I really want to change during this sem break, even though it's hard, I know it's worth a try. I don't want to live a life full of regrets, knowing that I'm actually capable but the unwillingness prevented me from achieving what I can achieve.

"I'd rather do nothing than doing something out of terpaksa-ness?"

Nah, I kill that philosophy/principle now. I will need to force myself if I want to grow up.

Sick (and Other Short Stories)

Day 1 at home and I'm sick. Literally sick.

I have a messed up immune system I guess. Lost count already on how many times I've fallen sick in the past few months. Currently dealing with runny nose that turns itself blocked whenever it wants. Muscle pain on both arms. A pair of bloodshed eyes that my mum describes as keruh (tears keep on rolling for no reason). And the area around my eyes are a bit swollen. Sore throat leaves me cranky - feels like there's a sandpaper inside my throat. Scary indeed to think of all those people near to me at the airport and in the plane who were coughing without covering their mouths and the huge mistake I made upon coming home last night - the last thing I did was to clean my hands. In between that period of time I've been rubbing my nose, my eyes, and now, yeah, serves me right for waking up feeling terribly terrible.

And because of this, I don't have the mood to do anything. 

Was excited last night, tuning all three guitars and playing a few songs, singing at the top of my voice. That's one huge mistake as well. Been surviving the whole journey from SA (7.40am) to home (5.30pm) by only drinking one bottle of 500ml water from the water dispenser of Akasia. Now I have to deal with this sore throat.

Anyway, talking about home, 5 months has really been a long period of time to me. There are so many changes, from the arrangement of furnitures, to the detergent brand my family is using, and the little little things like errr..suddenly I feel like I've been changing too.

I have to admit it's hard to adapt, even in my own home. Suddenly you are waken up by the voice of a random neighbour who is yelling fiercely angrily to her child, suddenly you have to deal with cigarette smoke from your next door neighbour, suddenly you are not the whiner who complains and express your feelings to someone else (it turns the other way round - I'm learning to become a listener now) and suddenly you are tempted to say the things that you haven't been saying for a long time. 

Good thing is of course I can do whatever I want whenever I want to (not everything, but some things of course) like singing aloud, playing guitar and...ok that's it. The two things I've been really wanting to do in Akasia for a long long time. 

And I had two bowls of Kolo mee which the auntie didn't believe I could finish (kept on saying "If you can't finish it..you can tapao.."). Gah. Underestimating my ability. Haha.

Haven't been sitting in front of the tv or flipping even one page of the newspaper. Planning to study like crazy this break, and I really really hope I can fight all the temptations.

Seniors are currently fighting the coldness of the great hall for their first paper. I believe they're gonna do very well like our fast track friends. Next year will be my turn. Yikes.

This semester break, all I want to be is how I am in Akasia, if not even better.

I don't want to exploit the fact that now I am at home, I can turn into someone who is not me in the past few months.

Live from Somewhere

(Not in Akasia!)

Hey all. It's been a while since I last talked to myself, blame finals. Errk, no, don't blame finals. I was just too lazy to talk about my life even after finals ended.

Here I am, still in the land of far far away, but slightly getting myself close to my other home. Akasia's been a good home of mine, I have to admit, especially after staying there for past few months (five months, to be exact) without returing to my hometown. Akasia is home, although some time ago I called it a 'sick place'. Forget about that moment. I was sick, not Akasia.

I'm emo-ing right now, being a solo traveller is not fun, thinking of the friends I left behind in Akasia, thinking of everything that happened in the past semester, gah, I'm starting to get into a mode that I hate the most.

Nostalgic mode.

I hate myself for thinking about memories too much.

The second semester has really been a good one, there were fun moments, which were even better than in the first semester. There were moments of getting to know each other better, especially in CA, where I've found my family here in this place. For that very same reason, the thoughts of leaving Akasia make me homesick. 

Fluctuating moods made my second semester quite an interesting one. I am truly thankful that I'm sent miles away from my family, because only through this, I got the chance to learn a lot from others. I learn to deal with my problems alone, which were quite painful at times, but thank God, some friends are like siblings and I find myself opening up more to people compared to how I was in the past few years. I was never really this honest before. Sincerity made me honest. And I find sincerity here. Well I think so.

I used to be excited of coming home, but this time, I don't really feel it. I've been away for too long, I guess. 

Coming back next semester will not be the same, and it's something that all of us juniors will have to deal with. Seniorhood is coming. I can't remember how it felt like to be a senior in high school. Anyway, I guess it's time to grow up as there will be no more seniors taking care of us anymore, not that I've been too dependent on them (or maybe I was?), but rather because I love learning from people and I've always loved something like a senior-junior bond. 

I am not going to get mushy here.

Just to distract me from my emo-ness, I am currently on 9gag. Feel like sleeping but I can't, because I'm alone. Flight is in 4 hours to go. I don't feel like doing anything else than saying out everything that I've been accumulating in my heart this semester.

Here comes the thank yous.

So, basically last night I was running here and there just to say goodbye, for no other reason than "I just feel like doing so". I just want to thank each and every individual who have been there for me, never got fed up of talking to me, and just simply showing me and teaching me on how to love others as well. It's a "pass it on" thingy. I had countless times of free foods, free ice-creams, free books and free notes this semester, funny (and fun) indeed, it made me feel so loved because people were never really nice to me back in my hometown. For that reason, I never really cared about people too before I came here.

And ah, all the worries of academics, how beautiful it was to just hold hands with your friends and pray for each other. And all these were made possible through the bond created from CA :)

So thanks, "lame chops", batchmates from CA, roommate, housemates, churchmates, awesome seniors,  neighbours, random people who exchanged smiles, classmates etc.

Most important of all, thanks to those who were being real to me :)

So...ending this blog entry, I officially annonce that my second semester in the college of far far away has ended. Another chapter closed. Third semester awaits me in two months time. 

Found this on 9gag:

Time to read a novel :)

Finals oh Finals

Half the battle is over.

Today is apparently better than yesterday, and it's supposed to be that way everyday anyway.

Just like yesterday, today's weather is creating another movie scene for me - it's been a sunny day and I'm in a good mood even before the paper started.

Through my window.

One thing I like about English is that I can never hate it, no matter how bad I may score.

It's the only subject that keeps me perasan, especially when it comes to writing. I love writing so much, and no matter how bad my essay is, no matter how low I get for my marks, I still have one very perasan opinion.

When I don't score as high as I thought I would, this is the only thing I have in my mind:

Not my fault, it's just that the teacher/lecturer doesn't like my style of writing.

For that very same reason, before a writing test, I will always revise my own essays more than essays written by others. In my opinion, reading other people's essays is just killing my own confidence, because I can never produce a piece of work filled with ten thousand bombastic words in just one paragraph.

Why am I saying this? Well, it's obviously not your fault if you happen to be a person who can throw in an endless flow of bombastic sentence. I'm saying this because I have friends who feel pressured to write the way their classmates write even though they are naturally very good writers, just because they were told to do so by their teachers who are constantly comparing their essays.

This is when the phrase "never compare yourself with others" comes in handy. 

I strongly believe that writing is an subjective art, you can hate or like something written by others just by the way you feel it. People are not supposed to restrict themselves by following the styles or others, because no two individuals can produce the same piece or artwork. Yes, you can learn and try to emulate, but going beyond that will cause your true abilities to be wasted.

Everyone is capable in writing. Everyone has his or her own style. Ideas may turn up the same, but the way you convey it will certainly be different from others. And that's what make writing special. Because it's something that only you can produce that way. 

I don't know why I am babbling here right now, but to make things clear, here's the point of this whole thing I am babbling about:

1. Your ability to write is not supposed to be judged based on your exam marks.

2. Writing is an ongoing process of learning, it is an art we all master sometimes unconsciously.

3. Writing is more fun than Science and Maths, in my humble opinion.

4. Writing helped me to become confident.

And last but not least..writing makes me perasan because that's the only thing I think I am good in ever since I entered college. At least it's one of the reasons that kept away from saying that I don't deserve to be here in the land of smarty pants.

Enough with that. Need to study for tomorrow's paper, and go get my shoes downstairs. Had to dry it because of yesterday's rain. How sad it was to do Statistics in wet shoes plus in a hall with air-cond haha. 

Wish me luck for tomorrow.

Luck. Haha. Reminds me of Rukawa Kaede who always says he doesn't need luck. :P

May

Five months ago, I was worrying about the fact that I won't be coming home till May.

Now it's already the second day of May. And if I don't think about food, I don't even have the slightest thoughts of going home.

Well, that's partially a lie.

I'm just trying to say that life in Akasia isn't bad at all, minus a few things which should not be stated here.

Not going to get philosophical today, although I have a pretty solid reason to get emo. The weather is seemingly creating a movie setting which suits my emotion right now, it's been raining heavily since we ended our Chemistry paper this afternoon. Well I've learnt to accept reality and move on, stomach in, chest out, chin up, eyes with pride. There's no point of cursing myself.

Stats killed me too, but still I refuse to get emo.

Before I start to talk about emotions (which I'm not planning to do today), let's move on to something else.

To commemorate the start of May 2012, I've changed the direction of my fringe for no particular reason. It is now swept to the right.

I don't see any point of continuing this pointless post. It feels so awkward. I don't even know what I'm talking about :O

Will be having English writing test tomorrow, so yeah, I guess I'm here to practise writing. 

Gah.