Infinite

Cycling under the drizzle, singing songs, and having that unexplainable feeling of joy while enjoying the night breeze - I doubt it is something that I can ever experience again. If it is possible, still I don't think it will be the same.

I feel infinite.

I never felt the joy of exploring my own hometown with my friends. Maybe I had, but this must be one of the very few chances I ever took. And it's been a while since I left college, which meant I really missed everyone whom I used to see everyday. It wasn't fun, sitting alone in the bedroom everyday, recalling all the stuffs that I used to do, and how I had friends do to lame stuff together.

I may not be able to recall everything that we've done during the past three days, but one thing's for sure - I will never forget how I felt. I had so many first time experiences, from trying out some unknown food, to doing some crazy and scary things that I would certainly avoid doing if I were not with a bunch of friends, especially the crazy and daring Mak Cik. :P

Narrating stories is not my area of expertise, I'm more of a chessy reflective writer, so this is not going to tell you all of the details on what we've done. But I can list down some of the crazy things I did, some were for the first time:

1. Walking along a rocky area by the sea just to get to the neighbouring beach, and I was so scared I might slip and skin my knees. The only thing I had in mind was Oh if I was with another bunch of friends I would never do this. Ever. And I was pondering if my mum knew what I was doing she won't be happy haha.

2. Learnt how to fully submerge my head under the water (is it even qualified to be called as a dive?) for the first time, after being persuaded that I should learn to overcome my fears. *Coughs* Again, my mum had warned me earlier not to swim, but I did. Haha.

3. Climbed a bridge which had a gate and some pointy spikey stuff at the side of the gate (I was so afraid it might poke me to death, seriously) because it was the only way to return to the previous side of the beach without having to walk along the rocky area. Again, I was seriously scared and was wondering I have broken so many of mum's rules. Hahaha.

4. On the first day we went to Civic Centre (I haven't been there for about ten years) and had to take the lift (I am super scared of going into lifts, man, it's like one of the things I always avoid, except for when I have to go to CA). And this place is the infamous area for you-know-what..tall buildings..eherm..I think you get what I mean. The random chairs along random spots along and near the railings gave me a scary aura of mystery but I shut my mouth and kept my thoughts to myself.

5. Went to the crocodile farm for the first time, something I'll never do with my family because my mum gave me that geli expression when I wanted to show the pictures to her. I completely understand why, coz during my parents childhood they spent a lot of time near rivers. At some places in the farm, we were walking literally above the crocs as we followed the wooden bridges - which made me think what if it breaks and we all fall down.

6. We went to the museum only to find out that it was already closed, so we ended up doing random photoshoots under the scorching sun. I did some jumpshots which gave me the fear of ripping my jeans.

7. We went across the river by boat (not my first time, but still I would avoid it if it wasn't an outing with friends). 

8. We had dinner at Kuching Fest for two consecutive nights, which involved getting through huge crowd of people, lining up for food, choosing tables to sit without having to care about the massive junk on the table (no choice bro..) and mistakenly grabbing that's-not-ours! pair of chopsticks on the table. Had fried ice-cream, fried oreo, fried burger, so many fried stuffs.

9. Took a ride on the scary game, I don't know what is it's exact name, but it falls under the category of ferris wheel, roller coaster, pirate ship kinda thingy. I have a massive fear of falling and the last time I've been to these kind of stuffs is when I was in Primary 3, which was a old rusty ferris wheel and come think of it, I don't even know how did I end up there. Ah, after googling, I found out that what we rode that day was a paratrooper, which is categorised under thrill rides. I sat next to Sharon who kept on holding my hand, reassuring me that it was going to be fun and we would enjoy the scenery from above. I, on the other hand, forced my eyes to be wide open, and had this constant fear that I might get thrown out and die landing in the fields. After everything ended, I was glad I am still alive.

10. We went to two wildlife centres, to see orang utans, which made me realise that they are harmful and I should think of changing my lifelist statement of holding an orang utan to holding a baby orang utan instead. 

11. I had Sunny Hill ice-cream for the first time outside with a bunch of friends. 

12. I went to Bing! for the first time. Seriously. As a Kuchingite, I am embarrassed to admit that.

13. And OH HOW CAN FORGET THE SURREY BIKE! We cycled under the drizzle with some fear of snatch thieves, but oh, it was so fun, as in memorable, because it was about 11pm and we were singing random songs from Hillsong to Westlife as we cycled and yelled Brake! Brake! at intervals. At that moment, I felt infinite (Just like how Charlie felt in The Perks of Being a Wallflower when Patrick drove along the tunnel). Never have I imagined I would have the chance to do so in some part of my life, in my own hometown where I thought I would never find any compatible friends.

14. We met Catherine! After one year of not seeing each other, it was good to say hi and have a brief catch up.

I really felt blessed during the whole thing. It was the best outing I could have asked for. After miserable weeks of loneliness upon leaving college, I was so happy to go out and have fun. And of course I am thankful for Mak Cik's and her family's hospitality (I think I finished their soap...) and indeed sakai for overnighting at a friend's house for the first time in Kuching. 

They're pictures now. But those things happened. Those
things were being felt. They were once real moments :)

It is moments like these which makes me feel like I want to write a song and stick photos on my bedroom wall. 

Babysitting 101

I'm alone with my nephew and he's been crying for one hour. Not the continuous kind of one-hour crying, but the Grammy Awards kind of fake crying whenever I put him down. 

I can't believe I solved the problem by merely playing a happy Thai song on my phone and handed it to him. Thank God for Nokia phones which are built to last. Not that he's throwing it..

but it's full of his saliva now.

Rascal Flatts' song My Wish is playing now..so yeah. Too bad he's too young to comprehend.

What I Really Want to Do with My Life

I don't know.

That's the answer.

There was one period in my life where I found myself dreaming of becoming a professional golfer. Of course, in about one year, my unrealistic dream died after realising that I'll never get the chance to hold a golf club and hit a golf ball.

Then things weren't so complicated back in my schooldays. I studied just to ace the exams, of course, which indirectly would enable me to at least secure my future and widen my choices after high school. It went serious right after that. I remember having a hard time thinking about my future and what I really wanted to do, because to be honest, I'm a person of too many dreams, but on top of that, none of my dreams are clear.

I really worry of waking up one day with regret, not being able to do something which I really have passion in. But the problem is, I'm not sure of what my passion in life is. I know as you're reading this, you'll be asking me then why on earth did I choose this path that I'm on now? Let me throw you one question then. How many 17 year old kids really know what they would like to do for the rest of their life? How many would choose a career that they're really passionate of? The answer is, not many. Now don't get me wrong, because that does not imply that I was forced to choose this path, despite having to live with that accusation for two years. When I did my choice two years ago, I was aware about the challenges I was going to face. I was aware about the consequences. And of course, I was also aware that I couldn't imagine myself to not give a shot at this path, because it is one of my dreams, out of the many dreams that I have.

Now don't get sceptical when I said I gave a shot. 

It was really a mere attempt, to certain degrees. But it wasn't that kind of random 100% blind attempt. It was more like saying, if I can make it, then it's my destiny. If I don't, then perhaps I wasn't qualified in the first place. It was more of a statement to say that if I didn't give a shot in the first place, I would regret more.

When I said that not many 17 year olds are really sure of what they want to do, I am certainly not generalising because I know a few who do. It's those who act as if they know and look down on people who are still not sure which annoys me. When someone doesn't do well, you don't go simply asking them whether they are forced to do what they're doing, and you don't go telling them how sure you are on your path, or how sure you are when you first chose that path. Because unless your driving force is so strong, like one guy who I know, chose medicine because he had a sister who suffered a genetic disease and I can just simply feel his passion in giving care to sick children by reading his blog, chances are, I won't simply believe in what you say.

If you want me to provide a vague answer to the title of this post, well I guess that would be far easier to do.

What I really want to do with my life is something that can make the people around me and myself happy, without having to be in the limelight. I want to live a simple life, in a simple house, grow old with a guy who loves and cares for his wife and kids. I want to get involved in a job that can help make an impact to an individual, without having to make myself a facebook fan page. Ohkay, of course I was partially kidding there. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want to do something big, not the average kind of thing, something different but not too different and radical. I want to be successful, but successful has many definitions, up to an individual, so I won't risk using that word. So being vague about what I want to do is not as easy as I expected it to be...

In the end I know, I can only make choices, but where I end up is not fully in my hands, so I guess thinking too much won't help much, no?

Major Blog Surgery

I'm tired of gettin' blue..so I changed everything to white.

Just thought that the old bluey background may appear quite immature for a twenty year-old. And I guess now I want to keep things to appear simple, which is, by my definition, apparently by presenting everything in black and white. I know it looks rather naked, and I'm going to take a lot of time to adapt with this (believe me I don't adapt well in most situations, which reminds me of a topic in my Bio textbook which says ADAPT OR DIE).

Not sure whether I'm going to regret this decision, but so far I'm OK of keeping this blog as simple as this. It kind of gives me a diary-ish kind of feeling, which I don't know whether is good or bad.

Anyway just in case it gave you the shock of your lifetime, worry not, you're viewing the correct blog, and even if it appears to be uglier than before, well, shooh shooh shhh. Don't tell me it's ugly. Let's just pretend it looks better? Thank youuuu.

I should be sleeping...

Musings of a Loner (Part 2)

I know it's almost 4am. I know this is pointless and I should be sleeping. I know.

Yesterday for the first time I slept at 10pm since the day I returned home. It was due to one reason so easy to guess: I almost got a fever and my head felt like exploding. So I had to sacrifice a night without AstroPop (I'm still stuck at Level 41, sheesh) and lie down with my sweater on, lights on, and for the first time at night, laptop off.

I got miraculously better this morning, waking up to the feeling of hunger as usual. Yet I still couldn't forget what happened in my dreams last night. I think I'm not going to ever sleep early again these coming few weeks if sleeping early means I'll be getting more nightmares.

I was on resultsplusdirect, checking my results and everything felt so real. I saw the results of my unit papers and managed to have a brief flash of grades in front of my eyes. I got a lot of A's for Bio (Hurray?) but then the other subjects showed a lot of D's. I was already on the verge of breaking down when I suddenly heard my mum's voice...

asking me why am I sleeping with the lights on, pillows all over the place, and "you should not wear your sweater to sleeeeeep!" and "WHY ARE YOU PANTING?". Too many questions, but I was glad she woke me up before I actually saw the real overall grades, although to be honest if it were to happen, the whole thing doesn't really look good.

I can't stop thinking of it and that's why I'm here in the wee hours of the morning. I've been blogwalking. Reading about people's experiences when getting to know that their results didn't enable them to fly. And listening to Westlife at the same time, which makes it hard for me to define my state of emotion.

I mean, heck, screw society and nosey people and pressure from family members - blood related or church related. To be honest if I lived on an island, I would care less on where my future brings me to. I wouldn't be bothered much to think about what I want to do in my life. I would just love to float like a bubble with an ukulele, dancing to a hawaiian beat. Then burst and vanish. But I know I can't. Gosh what am I talking about. *Forgive me for using heck, screw, and gosh. I know what do they mean. Don't hate me for using them.

Anyway I'm not sure whether I'm emo or what but I do think I'm trying to be funny, which is silly, because I know the future is going to be based on the consequences of my actions. Sometimes I do hope that last time I wasn't so naive to allow my principles to be crushed so easily by my new environment and the shock of meeting nice people..because deep down I'm far from nice. Lol. 

Don't worry, I don't know what is this all about. Let's have some tea.

* I reread this and felt uneasy with the usage of some mild cursings. Maybe I was drunk when I wrote that. However since it's already published, I won't hide that dark side of mine. Will be careful with my word selection in the future , promise.

Musings of a Loner

I think I can already start a series of blog entries with the same title.

I've been sneezing uncontrollably since this morning and it's been raining heavily in my place. You know that this kind of weather will make loneliness even harder to endure. Gosh, why am I writing something like a 90's love song lyrics. This is day-I-don't-know since I last stepped out of the house. I'm longing for an activity that makes me happy and healthy at the same time, like basketball, which I used to play a lot last month. I don't have a hoop and not even a court here, so I guess I shouldn't be complaining much.

Playing guitar has been so plain since I haven't been learning anything new. It's funny, when I have basketball and no guitar, I missed my guitar so much. Now that I have my guitar, but no basketball, I miss basketball even more that I missed my guitar. I guess that's the point. We just can't have it all at once.

And I've installed games on my laptop, contrary to my former intentions of keeping my laptop pure from any sorts of distractions. It's only been 2 days, I've reached level 41 in AstroPop, I'm stuck and have been repeating the same level over and over again I don't even feel like continuing to play anymore.

I actually don't really love these kind of posts of useless updates so maybe I'll try to think of something, some sort of reflective writing next time because at least it will be not so pointless.

In an unrelated matter, I have this weird feeling of annoyance that someone on facebook keeps on liking everything that I post, which is..actually awkward. Don't worry, it's none of you guys who are reading (just in case there are people reading this). I mean, we don't even talk and know each other (she's an ex to my friend - was his girlfriend when she added me), and yet she likes/liked everything, I mean every single status update. It gives me the impression that she thinks I'm merely fishing for likes when I post stuff, which is, to a large extent, actually incorrect. I'm considering of removing her from my friend list but I haven't, which makes me feel mean but nice at the same time. I really don't understand myself.

In another unrelated matter, I'm currently halfway through a novel which its main character has the same name with me. And she's a detective, which makes the whole thing cool.

Loner

My social life has been so dead since the day I returned home.

I've been growing up here  in this neighbourhood for 11 years without any friends. I mean, well, I can't blame anyone. It's partly my fault as well for being too choosy. I had Sunday school friends who I got along pretty well with, but as I grew up I found that I just don't feel I belong to their group. All these while my friends are those who go to the same class with me in school. Or maybe I should use past tense in that context.

My mum is worried because I don't like mixing with people. She said it's important to know how to get along with people and to not be a snob. (Note: People often think those who avoid the crowd are snobs). It's not that I want to be a snob, but I just hate being in a crowd of fakers. I'd rather have no relationship at all than having a fake one.

After church I would sneak into the car and avoid the 'fellowship' after service because I don't know how to talk to people. What's so wrong about that?

Ironically, in INTEC, I think I had friends. I mean okay, that sounds wrong. I mean I have friends. I found so many people with common interests with me, unlike for the past few years where I struggled to fit in. I always wanted friends who can talk with me about the things I love talking about, not the things I struggle to comprehend and pretend to be interested in. 

And now, my chapter in INTEC has ended and I'm not sure whether I'm going to meet amazing friends in the future. I'm not sure whether I can retain my friendship with those who I call amazing because the truth is I can count in one hand the number of friends I still keep in touch with since high school. I don't blame them completely because I'm the lazy type when it comes to friendship. I can be a loyal friend but I don't take the effort. So when I do, it does mean something. It means you have a special spot. 

I've been sleeping so much I feel so sick. And I've been missing so many friends who are currently doing better things that me. I wish I can turn back time, sometimes.

Fee Reads...(#1)

So I told you I was about to start this reading programme for myself this holiday. I successfully finished a book last night (being able to finish one is rare, trust me) and the book wassssssss....

The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

OK, stop giving me that look. I know what you're thinking of, especially if you too have read the book. And if I tell you I gave it a four out of a five, hahahah, just don't give me that look. I actually like it very much.

A few months ago my classmate warned me to better not read it because it contains too much..too much..well you know what I'm talking about, don't you? Skipping that part (yes I admit my classmate was right), I actually love a lot of things about the book.

First of all I love the way Charlie observes and thinks about stuffs. Then I think I mentioned this before, my preferences on books is heavily determined by my feelings after I finish reading the whole thing, like how you feel that weird awwwww feeling when everything has ended. So far, there are only some books that made me feel that way, and the best was John Grisham's "A Painted House" which I read last semester.

Back to this one, well I have to admit it gave me that feeling too when I was reading it near the ending. So I decided to give it 4/5 stars.

Now I'm having a hard time deciding what to read next. It's either The Catcher in the Rye or Midnight's Children. I'll get back here soon to write Fee Reads...(#2), well, hopefully.

Run Away

Running away from your own responsibility means you're dragging someone else into trouble, you're placing someone else into your mess, and that's not fair. If really you're tired and you want to run away, then rethink, if you're tired because you've been working hard by yourself without troubling others all these while then fine, I have no issues with that. But if that's merely an argument, or should I say a pointless excuse, you better start thinking of others and get out from your "I'm always right" mentality.

I'm ranting for the first time yayyy.

Dear Diary

I've been home for a week now. I have nothing to do, seriously. Stuffs that I brought from Shah Alam are still in my boxes and bags, as if I'm prepared to set off for another journey soon. Life has been revolving around Tetris Battle, listening to Ed Sheeran, sleep, and useless stuffs like clearing off junk from my laptop and arranging files and folders in a nicer way (which is harder than cleaning a real room).

Anyway now that I'm entering my second week of nothingness, I'm planning to do better stuffs such as finish reading my novels or probably exercise a little. 

Okay this is going to be random.

First of all, I'm blogging tonight because it's been so long since I last wrote anything in my journal. These past few days fear suddenly crept inside me like crazy. When I say fear, I seriously mean it. I suddenly realised that I have about 40 days to finally know my fate. What sucks is when I start to imagine things and what if questions start to attack me. Yeah it's easy to go about and say stuffs to give me comfort, but deep down I still have that fear. Staying at home makes me realise that I don't want to actually keep staying at home until I'm old. I just want to get out of this town and learn to be confident. If I continue to pursue my studies here, I don't think I can change from the old me. I loved the feeling when I was away, learning to be calm and not trouble my parents. I noticed that that was the same idea I had after my SPM. I just wanted to go out and far away to learn more.

The thing is to be honest I'm really scared. I'm terribly scared that what if my dreams will just remain as dreams, what if I'll never get to thank those who I really want to thank. What if that picture inside my brain was just an illusion I kept for seven weeks during exam, just to make me feel better. Part of me says it's OK, there's no use of thinking about something I can no longer change, but part of me says that if things go wrong, I can never really forgive myself.

I don't know why am I burdening my thoughts, but seriously it's annoying.

In an unrelated story, my sister showed me some of the cards she received for teacher's day when she had her practicals in a secondary school not long ago. What surprises me is that she is known to me as emotionless person (or so I thought..) but she told me the cards really made her touched. We talked a lot and I told her how my bad days in college started to make me think of those kids who are rebellious, who cannot read and write, and the ones labelled as "good for nothing" and "lazy".

One of the things her student wrote was "thank you for giving me confidence", and reading that made me feel like crying because I too, have a story to tell, a story that not many can understand, including my sister. 

I asked her whether she has a favourite teacher that she can remember, and she said she has none. I told you she lacks emotions (which is probably a good thing). 

I begin to see how I, as the youngest, naturally loves being noticed, and my favourite teacher title would go to the ones who acknowledges my presence. Meanwhile, my sister, being the middle child, would naturally perhaps care less about all those nonsense and would be happy (or perhaps emotionless) of being unnoticed.  And that's why I love relating people's background with their characters and reactions to little things in life.

Anyway, my story can only be shared if and only if in 40 days, things will go right. If not, perhaps I will bring all the details of the story until I find another success in life.

I really do hope though that my story can be told. I don't care what significance it will bring, I just care of sharing my heart out, because what's the point of going through a voyage without sharing the adventures with others.

Conclusion?

I don't know. Told you it's a pointless post. :P

P/S: To you who is reading this, please keep me in prayer for the next 40 days, whoever you are. I don't want to stop believing for a miracle, not until everything is really beyond my ability to do anything else. I realise that all I can do now is pray, because the truth is I can no longer do anything to change what's going to happen. 

Depressingly Inspirational

Call it a paradox or whatever, but I find it funny that something depressing can become so inspirational.

I've just finished watching this Thai movie The Billionaire which is based on a true story. Ironically, when it first came out a few years back, I didn't pay much attention to it.

It all started one evening the week before (or perhaps during) my A-Level exam when I bought this:

The best food a college student could ever
ask for while doing Maths in the middle of
the night.

In a small package attached to it was a small booklet which attracted me in just a split second. I knew what was going to be inside. I knew it must be an inspirational story I didn't want to miss reading. 

That evening, I abandoned my past year exam papers and finished reading the whole booklet. It was crazily, amazingly, incredibly inspirational, and the timing was perfect.

Only just now I had the chance to watch the movie, and I have to say my t-shirt sleeves are soaked with tears. It's so depressing. Yet so inspirational. To think that that seaweed I was enjoying all these while had a story so depressing behind it, with a young man who amazingly endured all those suffering, man, I seriously salute his perseverance. 

Anyway if you're still curious about what I'm talking about, and if you're currently in need of a motivation to not get discourage, go ahead, Google what I'm talking about.

Or just go to your local supermarket and grab that packet of seaweed, hopefully they still attach that booklet for free.

P/S: During the credit roll at the end of the movie, the name Chaiwat Anutrakunchai really rang a bell. I then found out that he was one of the actors in a drama I watched about 10 years back. Okay, that was random.