Dear Diary

I've been home for a week now. I have nothing to do, seriously. Stuffs that I brought from Shah Alam are still in my boxes and bags, as if I'm prepared to set off for another journey soon. Life has been revolving around Tetris Battle, listening to Ed Sheeran, sleep, and useless stuffs like clearing off junk from my laptop and arranging files and folders in a nicer way (which is harder than cleaning a real room).

Anyway now that I'm entering my second week of nothingness, I'm planning to do better stuffs such as finish reading my novels or probably exercise a little. 

Okay this is going to be random.

First of all, I'm blogging tonight because it's been so long since I last wrote anything in my journal. These past few days fear suddenly crept inside me like crazy. When I say fear, I seriously mean it. I suddenly realised that I have about 40 days to finally know my fate. What sucks is when I start to imagine things and what if questions start to attack me. Yeah it's easy to go about and say stuffs to give me comfort, but deep down I still have that fear. Staying at home makes me realise that I don't want to actually keep staying at home until I'm old. I just want to get out of this town and learn to be confident. If I continue to pursue my studies here, I don't think I can change from the old me. I loved the feeling when I was away, learning to be calm and not trouble my parents. I noticed that that was the same idea I had after my SPM. I just wanted to go out and far away to learn more.

The thing is to be honest I'm really scared. I'm terribly scared that what if my dreams will just remain as dreams, what if I'll never get to thank those who I really want to thank. What if that picture inside my brain was just an illusion I kept for seven weeks during exam, just to make me feel better. Part of me says it's OK, there's no use of thinking about something I can no longer change, but part of me says that if things go wrong, I can never really forgive myself.

I don't know why am I burdening my thoughts, but seriously it's annoying.

In an unrelated story, my sister showed me some of the cards she received for teacher's day when she had her practicals in a secondary school not long ago. What surprises me is that she is known to me as emotionless person (or so I thought..) but she told me the cards really made her touched. We talked a lot and I told her how my bad days in college started to make me think of those kids who are rebellious, who cannot read and write, and the ones labelled as "good for nothing" and "lazy".

One of the things her student wrote was "thank you for giving me confidence", and reading that made me feel like crying because I too, have a story to tell, a story that not many can understand, including my sister. 

I asked her whether she has a favourite teacher that she can remember, and she said she has none. I told you she lacks emotions (which is probably a good thing). 

I begin to see how I, as the youngest, naturally loves being noticed, and my favourite teacher title would go to the ones who acknowledges my presence. Meanwhile, my sister, being the middle child, would naturally perhaps care less about all those nonsense and would be happy (or perhaps emotionless) of being unnoticed.  And that's why I love relating people's background with their characters and reactions to little things in life.

Anyway, my story can only be shared if and only if in 40 days, things will go right. If not, perhaps I will bring all the details of the story until I find another success in life.

I really do hope though that my story can be told. I don't care what significance it will bring, I just care of sharing my heart out, because what's the point of going through a voyage without sharing the adventures with others.

Conclusion?

I don't know. Told you it's a pointless post. :P

P/S: To you who is reading this, please keep me in prayer for the next 40 days, whoever you are. I don't want to stop believing for a miracle, not until everything is really beyond my ability to do anything else. I realise that all I can do now is pray, because the truth is I can no longer do anything to change what's going to happen.