What I Really Want to Do with My Life

I don't know.

That's the answer.

There was one period in my life where I found myself dreaming of becoming a professional golfer. Of course, in about one year, my unrealistic dream died after realising that I'll never get the chance to hold a golf club and hit a golf ball.

Then things weren't so complicated back in my schooldays. I studied just to ace the exams, of course, which indirectly would enable me to at least secure my future and widen my choices after high school. It went serious right after that. I remember having a hard time thinking about my future and what I really wanted to do, because to be honest, I'm a person of too many dreams, but on top of that, none of my dreams are clear.

I really worry of waking up one day with regret, not being able to do something which I really have passion in. But the problem is, I'm not sure of what my passion in life is. I know as you're reading this, you'll be asking me then why on earth did I choose this path that I'm on now? Let me throw you one question then. How many 17 year old kids really know what they would like to do for the rest of their life? How many would choose a career that they're really passionate of? The answer is, not many. Now don't get me wrong, because that does not imply that I was forced to choose this path, despite having to live with that accusation for two years. When I did my choice two years ago, I was aware about the challenges I was going to face. I was aware about the consequences. And of course, I was also aware that I couldn't imagine myself to not give a shot at this path, because it is one of my dreams, out of the many dreams that I have.

Now don't get sceptical when I said I gave a shot. 

It was really a mere attempt, to certain degrees. But it wasn't that kind of random 100% blind attempt. It was more like saying, if I can make it, then it's my destiny. If I don't, then perhaps I wasn't qualified in the first place. It was more of a statement to say that if I didn't give a shot in the first place, I would regret more.

When I said that not many 17 year olds are really sure of what they want to do, I am certainly not generalising because I know a few who do. It's those who act as if they know and look down on people who are still not sure which annoys me. When someone doesn't do well, you don't go simply asking them whether they are forced to do what they're doing, and you don't go telling them how sure you are on your path, or how sure you are when you first chose that path. Because unless your driving force is so strong, like one guy who I know, chose medicine because he had a sister who suffered a genetic disease and I can just simply feel his passion in giving care to sick children by reading his blog, chances are, I won't simply believe in what you say.

If you want me to provide a vague answer to the title of this post, well I guess that would be far easier to do.

What I really want to do with my life is something that can make the people around me and myself happy, without having to be in the limelight. I want to live a simple life, in a simple house, grow old with a guy who loves and cares for his wife and kids. I want to get involved in a job that can help make an impact to an individual, without having to make myself a facebook fan page. Ohkay, of course I was partially kidding there. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want to do something big, not the average kind of thing, something different but not too different and radical. I want to be successful, but successful has many definitions, up to an individual, so I won't risk using that word. So being vague about what I want to do is not as easy as I expected it to be...

In the end I know, I can only make choices, but where I end up is not fully in my hands, so I guess thinking too much won't help much, no?