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My muscles feel like bursting. I'm not sleepy yet..and I honestly can't feel the tiredness. 

It's just..some weird pain all over my limbs. Today's been a crazy day. Super crazy. It's been a funny day filled with both agony and joy. Hahahahahaha.

I'm still missing Akasia, I don't know why. Perhaps because all these while I've been having this thought that Akasia is home. Leaving Akasia this morning felt like leaving home, but heading to another home. It's so confusing. Throughout my life I've been constantly shifting from home to home, and this is certainly home. But some homes just stay in my mind more than some others. It's OK if you don't get it, I also can't quite comprehend what I'm saying.

I should be sleeping, not thinking too much. :/

Last Day

I made a decision to go to college for the final time before I head back to my hometown tomorrow. As an overly-nostalgic person, I took a stroll around college, my camera in one hand. I snapped pictures the moment the sun had just risen. I stopped at some places, smiled alone while I recollected the memories.

Words cannot describe how thankful I am to have been here for the past two years. I met bad people, good people, annoying people, inspiring people. Going to college used to be something so tiring to do, yet now, thinking back, how I wish I had put in mind earlier that all of these are going to end after all. Perhaps if I reminded myself about that earlier, I could've appreciate this place more.

While taking a stroll at my classroom block, I coincidentally met my Maths lecturer Miss Lee, who said she is going to leave tomorrow. Talking to her made me realise that I actually appreciate so much of what she has done. It reminded me of all the random moments I would knock her door to ask for help in Maths. It didn't happen very frequently though. I only started to like her more in my final semester. Ah well, things always seem to get better when they're coming towards an end, don't they? 

I don't know why am I feeling this way. All of my friends had left, and I'm like the only one still here. It was my own choice. I wanted to feel my final moments here. Yet, it's still very sad to be the last person. I hugged so many people and watched so many people leave. 

In two months time, I hope I'll be able to come back here with a smile, although by then there might be no one left here to thank. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that when we reach a certain point of a stage, and when it's finally the time to leave, it always feels weird. We know that things will never be the same. Some people may not be there in the future. Our feelings may change.

It's OK. Maybe that's the point of life. We come, we leave, we say goodbyes. We learn, we grow, then..

we move on.

Thank you INTEC, for all of the things that had happened. There were indeed so many crappy days. Days when I thought that the sky was about to fall. Days when I felt like running back home. Yet still, there were also some days when I really didn't want everything to end so fast. Days when I just laughed along with my friends and wish we never had to say farewell. It's been an incredible two-year journey. 

Stesyen berikutnya, Kuching.

Next station, Kuching.

Read that one in the voice of the KTM lady.

Fee, ALM12M8.

INTEC library computer lab, Computer A10.

9.54am, 27/06/2013.

Plan A

Third blog entry of the day. The real Fee is back mueheheh.

So I was just thinking of what to do during the holidays. I mean, during this two months of nothingness. And I can't think of any interesting things...other than..

1. Learn basic fingerstyle.

2. Learn basic blues.

3. Make a cover of a Thai song.

4. Read at least five books.

5. Go jogging hahahahahaha.

6. Sleep.

7. Play guitar all day long.

8. .....

9. .....

10. ...........

Oh seriously I dunno what to do. :(

Oh Fee..

Fee has taken it to the next level. Fee has tweeted excessively. And now Fee posts too much things on Facebook.

Facebook is such a wonderful tool to listen to other people's opinions. Posting a status update is like opening a room for debate and sharing. It's like starting a forum thread, with your identity revealed of course. And if not being careful, a single status update can become the mirror to your personality.

That's why I blog. 

But then sometimes when I need to listen to what others have to say, I just post a status update. Not all the time. Some are just crappy ones which I think may sound funny. On better days, I post serious ones. They can be easily differentiated - the ones where I expect replies, and the ones that I don't. If it's a question, it shows that I expect someone to share. Today is not disappointing at all. I got what I needed.

The human mind is so interesting. We have varied thoughts, despite most of the time having the same emotions and core values. 

I'm just impressed.

Hmmmmhh

I'm done with my interview. I'm done with everything. The thing is, I don't have the slightest idea on why am I still here, or rather appropriately, I should put it this way:

I DON'T KNOW WHY DID I CHOOSE TO NOT GO BACK STRAIGHT AWAY?

I'm amused by my stupidity.

Part of me feels like running back home to grab and hug my guitar, but part of me says it's going to be fun to stay back for a while, because I will get to extend my time to play basketball!

But but..the haze shattered my dreams, destroyed my plans. There's no way I can play in this haze. I am so sad.

I'm thinking of going to college tomorrow perhaps. Just for fun. Maybe take some pictures of the view around college. Take a stroll. Recollect the memories. But but..again, the haze. The haze. Why should I take a stroll in the haze?

Anyway, I'll be leaving this place forever, so I guess I should appreciate this extended moment that I'm here, although I feel so lonely and I'm missing my housemates so badly. I had the best housemates I could ever ask for in the past two years. Being in a temporary new room with a different person for just one night made me realise that I had a very considerate roommate, and housemates who understood me well. I can never fully comprehend the complexity of human emotions - why do we always appreciate people more when it's time to say goodbye.

Before I start to cry like a lonely old woman, I think I better watch some random movies. 

Interview

I have more time to blog during exams compared to after exams. Oh the irony.

These past few days had been so tiring yet so memorable. Waking up with abdomen ache is like nothing compared to the memories and experiences that I have gained. I am now in another room in another block, still haven't done my packing yet, and still clueless about one thing:

RAWRGHZZZ I HAVE AN INTERVIEW TOMORROW!

I don't feel like Googling anything up, especially those abstract stuff because I don't want to fake my answers and appear as a robot which memorised everything. But but..my laziness to Google means I don't have the slightest idea about those general issues. All I know is that cancer is a tumour which arises when the rate of cell division is greater than the rate of apoptosis. Just because the word apoptosis is there, I can remember. I know this is totally unrelated, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't know about the haze, or about any other diseases, or about any advancement or latest news in the medical field.

Whyyyyyy.

And I'm still undecided, whether to wear baju kurung or formal office wear. I'm a lousy person in making decisions. I still haven't arranged my certificates. I'm a pro procrastinator. I haven't ironed a single thing or check my black shoes whether it has been fungi-fied or not. I just want everything to end fastttt.

Please la tomorrow I want an easy question. Maybe something that I have blogged about. Abstract questions will be far better than informative ones. I'm more of a philosopher than a science student who reads scientific journals and textbooks. Aaaaaa.

Thankful

I survived 2 weeks of study leave + 7 weeks of exams.

These 9 weeks were the most critical weeks of my life so far. Dramatic, yeah, but honestly, I'll tell you a secret. These 9 weeks really meant a lot to me. Even if I don't make it well at the end of this journey, I have a lot of things to thank God for, and these are the things I am thankful for throughout this 9 weeks.

(I may miss out a few things, or perhaps a lot, because I believe there are so many things to be thankful for).

1. I got the help that I needed in my studies.

2. I began to think optimistically.

3. I did not shed a single tear of fear throughout these 9 weeks.

4. God took care of my health.

5. God took care of my safety.

6. Nothing big and bad happening throughout exam time.

7. I had friends to eat with, to talk to, to support and encourage one another.

8. I enjoyed basketball and studies equally.

9. I had enough sleep (perhaps more than enough..)

10. I never felt this peaceful in Akasia, as in having this unexplainable peace..like..zero depression?

Throughout my 2 years living here, there were days (many days) where I stared blankly on my Maths book, trying to understand the questions, but in the end give up and break down in disappointment. I was afraid it was going to happen during this exam season. Because when it happens, I know myself. It's very had for me to get up again. And because that didn't happen, I am very thankful, even if, even if things won't turn out the way I expect it to be.

God, it's all now in Your hands. I've done my part, and my prayer is simple. In two months time, I don't want to have any regrets.

Rawrgh

I can say this a thousand times.

Whatever happens to me in the future, I am NOT going to do Chemistry or Maths/Stats. I can do Biology until the day I die, though. And I'm serious. 

Brain says: Go CRYYY.

Other part of brain says: NOT TODAYYY. 

Just have to persevere for one more day, then it's over. Well not over as in...completely over. Still have to bear the consequences in about two months time. So I guess by then I'll have plenty of time to entertain my emotions. Right now it's like...

Emotions?

Ain't nobody got time for that!

Midnight Musings #2

Fourteenth June. Oh time flies. 

I was sitting here last night, thinking about how I wish all of these will never have to end. It came into my mind, that scary thought of how separations can be forever. As a person who can feel too nostalgic at times, I find it hard to think of the future and how things are going to eventually change.

I look at the photo of my class on the wall, and ask myself will I be able to stand in that group for another picture in the future? Or is July going to be the last month I'm going to see them, perhaps for the last time in my life as well? My classmates for two years, some I found annoying at first, but now, the opposite. The lecturers who inspired and helped me, will I have the chance to thank them? Or will everything be merely a phase that will pass by, forgotten?

My calendar is full of crosses, marking the last few weeks I'm going to be in this place.

I am left with three final chances to do whatever I can to balance off the marks of my other unit papers, which will determine my future. 

I did some revision on Integration, one of the topics I dread the most, and Miss Lee's reaction a few months ago made me smile alone.

"Oh God, you can't even differentiate!" (She was referring to differentiation, that Maths topic).

How I wish I can run to her office now, telling her that differentiation didn't give me a huge problem in my previous unit paper. It is Integration that scares me more.

As much as I hate how stupid I was for giving up so early last time, I am actually truly grateful that since last April, I've been improving so much. I can't prove my own words, but all of these made me regret for the moments I felt hopeless about myself. If only I didn't give up, if only I had the confidence earlier, things would've been different.

Yet I believe that there's a reason for everything that has happened.

Last April Mr. William asked what happened to me in the previous semesters.

I said I thought everything would be too late for me to fix the situation I was in, and perhaps I won't be able to make it after all. But then, I woke up, as in woke up, realising that I still had the chance to change things.

He asked me what made me realise about that?

And I said I was tired of being depressed. Tired of giving up. And to be very honest, I was very tired.

I was so tired sitting in class with the eagerness to participate, but not being able to do so due to my lack of understanding in all of the subjects. I was tired of doing badly in topic tests, which eventually gave me no hope for end of semester exams. I was tired of failing to copy the notes before the lecturers switched to the next slides. I was tired of sitting in that corner of the class, being nobody.

Now that I let go all of my fears, I can see clearly on how being depressed had drained out so much of my spirit and enthusiasm. Do I regret for being such a fool? Yes. But looking back, there wasn't a thing that I could've done back then to help myself. I was trying to grow up. I didn't do well. But I certainly didn't walk away empty-handed.

With the remaining days I have, I just want to make this final episode in Shah Alam a life lesson worth remembering and sharing, because I know the pain of having a loser perspective, and I wouldn't want to see another kid living like how I used to be in my first three semesters here.

INTEC really gave me a lesson I will certainly remember until the day I die, no matter where my future leads me to, and no matter what kind of adult I will turn out to be in years to come.

Alright, time to get back to Maths..

Garg

Garg is supposed to sound like those crows in Akasia.

Anyway..

I just crossed out tomorrow's date (and paper) from my handmade calendar on the wall, and exclaimed garg! coz it was obviously a mistake. 

My mind is so disoriented I don't even know am I supposed to laugh or cry, or do both. If I have no paper tomorrow, I would've already shoot balls outside. I mean, shoot basketballs. Or shoot ONE basketball, repeatedly. Whatever.

Before my paper started I was left with a question which required me to make a decision, and I'm obviously bad in making decisions, probably because of a faulty frontal lobe. So brain asked brain "Hey brain, what do you think I should do?"

And then brain froze.

Brain needs to unfreeze.

BRAIN, WHY YOU LIKE TO THINK TOO MUCH??

Midnight Musings

Done with one paper. Still want to do more. Taking a break for a while, and thought of something random.

I'll take a line from David Cook's song, "...watched all the bitterness burn"..

I hate to say this, but I admit, I've been keeping too much bitterness for so long, I can't even trace back since when I started to respond differently to certain people in my life. I am against any sort of disrespect, I believe strongly in the importance of honouring others, yet tonight, I won't lie, what happened to me since early 2012  changed me so much, I dare not think of what I've done.

I wonder if those people really did care for me in the first place, or did they stop caring because I drew away from them? Did they think that I no longer needed their help? Did they think I am not worth their time and concern? Did they see no positive changes in me, and gave up? Or did they do that because they thought I needed my own space?

I know my faults.

I reacted coldly. I drew away. I probably showed anger. I made abrupt decisions without asking or discussing. I stopped asking for advice. I hurt their feelings through my reactions, perhaps. Or probably in the first place, they did not care much. I was not worth their time and effort.

Let me throw to you one question, what is the meaning of encouraging those who are readily encouraged? 

There are millions of discouraged people out there. But most important of all, I think we should put in mind that they might fall into two categories:

Both discouraged, but one is easy to teach, while the other is stubborn, rebellious, good-for-nothing.

I know which category do I belong to.

Unless that person can give a second try in encouraging me, chances are, I might change my perception. After a brief first try, but afterwards..gone? Sorry, but I think you might be faking your kindness. I know, I'm mean. But I guess most of us yearns for a person who will never give up on us, no matter what our actions and reactions are.

Let me throw to you my question again,

What is the point of encouraging those who are readily encouraged, and ignoring the discouraged, while you're talking about how you care much about people's life?

This is a harsh entry, forgive me if it doesn't sound like me. But to be honest, I've watched all my bitterness burn, and since when was that? Since I stopped caring much about following what other people wanted me to do. 

Do I still believe in God? Yes. Am I angry with God? Why should I? Can I prove that I love God? No, because I don't need to, if doing that merely gives me attention from people which may cause my faith to change into pride.

I've changed. Do I like it? No. But if that change can help me to release my bitterness, I don't mind.

I don't know why I'm writing this out..on a public blog. Go ahead, judge me, correct me if I'm wrong. I'm just somebody who's learning to grow up.

Goodbye AS

Some farewells happen without any goodbyes.

I was thinking of that line last night. Thinking of writing a song. But I don't have my guitar, so I guess I need to wait for one more month.

Anyway, back to the topic, my AS papers are officially over - which means I'm more than halfway through everything. It is indeed a remarkable achievement, regardless of the outcome, I'm thankful that I've pulled through this far.

One of my lecturers told me that luck plays its role in exams.

It's hard to agree or disagree, but the statement that followed sounded like this,

"If you did well before this, it's not a reason to be proud. If you didn't do well, don't get discouraged."

And one of my classmates just told me that as long as we do our best, everything's going to be fine.

Remarkable how words can inject the courage in us. 

I sound as if I'm contradicting my own statements in my previous entries, but yeah, that just happens sometimes. Whatever happens in the future, I'm thankful for having friends and lecturers who have been there once to encourage me. They don't have to be there all the time. That's life. I realise the truth that some people will only be in your life for a season and there's an obvious reason behind that. We grow. We learn, then move on.

Before I get philosophical, now I declare it's time to get ready for basketball, then dinner, then revision.

Some Days..

Some days I just feel more thankful than ever that God sent me to live in this place, for no one else knows how peaceful this little town can be without all the drama and conflict.

I enjoy making my own decisions here, living life with the silence that I choose occasionally. If silence brings peace, why not?

June

Hunger struck me as I (almost) completed my marathon of 160 Chemistry objective questions.

Of course, when hunger strikes at night, I won't think of biscuits or bread.

It's always those kind of meaty, oily, crunchy, salty stuff which will end up in my mind.

Upon seeing my final packet of instant noodle which has been lying inside the plastic bag for at least two months, I shallowed hard, weighing the pros and cons of having instant noodles two days before a Bio paper that I would dream to ace.

Not that I'm not eating preservative-rich food at all..but somehow what my dad always reminds me makes me scared that my already-not-so-stable state of intelligence will be further affected. 

Then..my eyes landed on that cylindrical air-tight container which has been remained untouched..for probably half a semester. Chocolate-flavoured milk powder. Nestum. And good old oat. Yucks. Of course when I first bought them it was the starting of the semester, and there was this weird determination of eating healthy stuff. But as time goes by, well..I get tired of healthy food.

Tonight apparently there are no other options, unless I want to change into track pants and put on my jacket, march towards the burger stall and wait for 5 minutes or so.

So I poured three tablespoons of honey into the mug containing boiling water and nestum, and suddenly remembered about that small carton of milk-flavoured-milk (again, half a semester untouched) and decided to mix it in, because chocolate-flavoured milk plus honey is beyond my willingness to swallow.

Smells good.

Whatever happens to me in a few more hours, I shall bear full responsibility.

This is lame, but somehow I love how 'interesting' life can be during the moments of desperation (a.k.a exam season). I will miss this way of life when everything will be finally over in less than a month. Well hello June. Nice to meet you.