Midnight Musings #2

Fourteenth June. Oh time flies. 

I was sitting here last night, thinking about how I wish all of these will never have to end. It came into my mind, that scary thought of how separations can be forever. As a person who can feel too nostalgic at times, I find it hard to think of the future and how things are going to eventually change.

I look at the photo of my class on the wall, and ask myself will I be able to stand in that group for another picture in the future? Or is July going to be the last month I'm going to see them, perhaps for the last time in my life as well? My classmates for two years, some I found annoying at first, but now, the opposite. The lecturers who inspired and helped me, will I have the chance to thank them? Or will everything be merely a phase that will pass by, forgotten?

My calendar is full of crosses, marking the last few weeks I'm going to be in this place.

I am left with three final chances to do whatever I can to balance off the marks of my other unit papers, which will determine my future. 

I did some revision on Integration, one of the topics I dread the most, and Miss Lee's reaction a few months ago made me smile alone.

"Oh God, you can't even differentiate!" (She was referring to differentiation, that Maths topic).

How I wish I can run to her office now, telling her that differentiation didn't give me a huge problem in my previous unit paper. It is Integration that scares me more.

As much as I hate how stupid I was for giving up so early last time, I am actually truly grateful that since last April, I've been improving so much. I can't prove my own words, but all of these made me regret for the moments I felt hopeless about myself. If only I didn't give up, if only I had the confidence earlier, things would've been different.

Yet I believe that there's a reason for everything that has happened.

Last April Mr. William asked what happened to me in the previous semesters.

I said I thought everything would be too late for me to fix the situation I was in, and perhaps I won't be able to make it after all. But then, I woke up, as in woke up, realising that I still had the chance to change things.

He asked me what made me realise about that?

And I said I was tired of being depressed. Tired of giving up. And to be very honest, I was very tired.

I was so tired sitting in class with the eagerness to participate, but not being able to do so due to my lack of understanding in all of the subjects. I was tired of doing badly in topic tests, which eventually gave me no hope for end of semester exams. I was tired of failing to copy the notes before the lecturers switched to the next slides. I was tired of sitting in that corner of the class, being nobody.

Now that I let go all of my fears, I can see clearly on how being depressed had drained out so much of my spirit and enthusiasm. Do I regret for being such a fool? Yes. But looking back, there wasn't a thing that I could've done back then to help myself. I was trying to grow up. I didn't do well. But I certainly didn't walk away empty-handed.

With the remaining days I have, I just want to make this final episode in Shah Alam a life lesson worth remembering and sharing, because I know the pain of having a loser perspective, and I wouldn't want to see another kid living like how I used to be in my first three semesters here.

INTEC really gave me a lesson I will certainly remember until the day I die, no matter where my future leads me to, and no matter what kind of adult I will turn out to be in years to come.

Alright, time to get back to Maths..