Change

The blogger is not free. In fact, she has two Bio reports to be completed before this Friday. This coming week is going to be seriously crazy, yet she feels that she needs to speak up about this matter which has been forever in her mind. Talking about inspiration that blooms when you're totally not free, here's a good example. But the blogger, being herself, is more than willing to sacrifice the precious Sunday evening nap (and ohh it's raining heavily now!). She knows she ain't good in setting priorities right, but hey, she thinks this is worth the time. The blogger's brain needs some warming up before the Bio report.

Well hello again.

I may not appear to be a thinker to you, my classmates may think that I'm such a lazy thinker when I refuse to answer to my Bio lecturer's question, but hey, I do think a lot sometimes.

Most of the time, I think about things which are not worth thinking of.

Like where did all of the missing people vanish too, or why is that fellow laughing at me, or when am I going to eventually get an A*, or why is everyone in the bus staring at me, or how possible it is for me to finally get myself an electric guitar etc.

...and I think about my fears too.

I have a long list of fears, if anyone asked me, I would say, what fears me the most is to experience the loss of my loved ones, or failing a major exam, or not being able to reach for my goals, or not being able to play guitar anymore, the list goes on, and there's one thing that I still fear of:

I fear changes. I fear if people change. I fear if today will be forgotten.

I've been living long enough to feel the love and care from friends, and I've been saying almost a thousand goodbyes. There are so many nice memories I cherish, but as I look back and seek for those familiar faces once again, I can almost see nothing. Some people really forget, even though you are constantly having the thoughts about them. Maybe they're moving on. Maybe they don't want to dwell in the past memories, but hey, isn't it scary to think that that very same person who was there for you years ago is now somewhere else, not having the slightest thoughts about you? 

I said I was being perasan yesterday, but the truth is, although I was grinning for the whole night, the same statement kept on repeating in my head.

People change, Fee. People change.

Friends, I'm not trying to say that there is no such thing like "Friends Forever".

But you see here, out of the many ex-classmates you have, how many still keep in touch with you? That fellow who said you're awesome years ago, is she even taking the effort to say hi to you once in a while? That so-called clan you were in, where are those clan members now?

Reality hurts, sometimes. But if there were no farewells, wouldn't it hurt more? To see that very person change and forget about you in front of your own eyes. Yes, to me, we need farewells, because it creates some time and space to slowly discover new people and places, to learn about new things, and most important of all, for a person like me, farewells taught me to cherish each and every individual who has came into my life, although most of them are now showing signs of amnesia forgetting me.

Why am I saying these things out? I don't know. I just felt so blessed to read all of the birthday wishes I received yesterday. However that silly thought struck me in the middle of my perasan-ness and happiness. We can't help to slowly forget some of the individuals who sometime ago put a smile to our faces. It's just human nature to forget. And sometimes, we never really forget, but we choose to keep the feelings to ourselves.

That's why I hate hiding feelings. That's why you see me talking about feelings all the time in this blog.

The truth is, yes people change. Yes, I do take for granted of some people in my life. Yes, my feelings change too.

Change isn't the real deal. Since everyone changes from time to time, I guess there's nothing bad about it. I forgot to tell you my real fear of the second part of changes. When people change, they forget. When they forget, you're forgotten. 

My other fear: I'm afraid that one day these memories will just be mere memories. I am afraid of being forgotten, because I try too hard sometimes to remember those who created an impact in my life.

..and why do I love taking pictures with people?

At least, those smiles, those laughter, it's forever there in the pictures, although sometimes I fail to understand how sad it is to see some memories fade away.

*I do hate myself for being too nostalgic most of the time, if you would like to know that fact.

Now since the brain is actively functioning, let the Bio report marathon begin!