McMemories

I went to McD this afternoon. For the second time after the life-changing day.

The first time I went, I ordered a sundae cone. I thought it would make me happy.

I didn't even eat my Big Mac, not until the next day.

Just now, yeah, I finished eating everything. But I struggled to do so. The feeling was weird.

Many months ago, my McD moments were equated with my lazy Saturday noons. My days of avoiding fried rice. Days when I simply wanted to make myself happy.

The Big Mac reminded me of my housemate Queen, and the joke we had about never ordering a Big Mac when going for a date, because it's hard to finish up in a neat and proper manner.

The strawberry-flavoured sundae reminded me of Suan and her funny remarks on how the colour resembles something I'm not supposed to type out here. (Teehee!)

The chocolate-flavoured sundae reminded me of Yi Xue and Fern who treated me with it when I was so down. I had a sore throat the next day.

The McFlurry reminded me of Cindy who told us it's her best cure for sadness. I found her statement to be very true.

The Sundae cone reminded me of Sharon, who rejoices on the fact that it's RM1.05, yet it's like the best comfort food for a college student. 

And it also reminded me of Suan and Marc, the day we went to a McD Drive-Thru in Shah Alam during study leave, and I had the tallest sundae cone I ever had in my entire life, sitting in the backseat, enjoying the fact that Marc changes the radio station almost every quarter-minute.

The breakfast sets will forever remind me of all three of my housemates in A8/202, because of our tradition of ending each semester with a 'final breakfast outing' together at McD.

Of course, those were not all the memories I had there. Birthdays, having meals in large groups, buying a happy meal just to get the toy, watching the random tv shows on tv, taking massive amount of packets of creamer to bring back to my hostel room, noticing friends dating at the opposite KFC, using the wifi just to upload pictures on facebook after A-Levels, well, those things became less and less significant when less friends were part of the memory.

I left Section 18 months ago. And many are leaving this country soon. It's hard to think of sometimes, knowing that I'll be stuck here for another few years, or perhaps till the end of my life. But I know it's all these memories which had shaped me for who I am today, and sustained me through the days I never thought could come. But till I meet again with these people (and those whom I didn't mention, OF COURSE I LOVE YOU TOOOO, just that I can't associate everyone with my McMemories), I guess I just have to move forward with my life, and continue making new friends, which is, to me, such a pain in the nerves because ironically, I hate making new friends.

McD should make an essay-writing competition about McMemories. I'd probably get the first place. :P

Fee Reads...(#3)

Have a Little Faith by Mitch Albom

I just finished reading this yesterday. Gave it a 5 star because I'm a bit in my Feelosophical mood, and I think the timing was perfect for me to read such a book.

This book is quotable in almost every page, no kidding.

And I guess in the end, I came up with one thought I had almost forgotten.

To take pride in humility is not humility after all. We're all humans. We get proud in some point of our lives. But when we take pride on our 'humility', and intertwine that with our faith, how different are we from those whom we say are faithless?

It was never about who's better and who has a stronger faith, and it will never be.

We Should Stop

Disclaimer: It's not my brain which is writing this, it's my heart. So if you find it foolish, don't get mad.

We should stop.

What about those who died? What about those who failed? What about those who went broke?

We should stop.

Why are our testimonies too focused on happiness, as if pain and suffering are only experiences gone through by those who are unfaithful, unloved, missing out the blessings from God?

We should stop.

And what saddens me the most.

We should stop. We should stop saying that because we did this good thing, we received this good thing. Because we spent our time doing this good thing, God granted us this good thing. When a testimony focuses on what we did instead of what His blessings are, does that mean that God's love and grace for us can be won by our works?

There are many things in this world that we work hard for. Grades, status, money. I accept that fact. Because it's true. But God's love and blessings?

We should stop. Just stop it. 

It was never about what we do in the first place. 

This Movie

I think my favourite movie of all time is Dead Poets Society now.

Nice to Know You

I somehow managed to shut down that annoying part of my brain for one day, which is quite a huge relief after one week of pain in the brain.

I don't know how to explain this and why should I, but I kind of realise that all this shit that has happened is

1) happening because of my own attitude

2) not that shitty if viewed in another perspective

3) embarrassing, but makes me reflect more on myself and how I treated others for the past years

I think my tendency of overthinking and letting the world know what I feel has been the major problem and the beginning to the massive growth of my self-pity and feeling of worthlessness. I mean..before college I never felt the need to open up to too many people because I just couldn't trust people. However these days I find myself answering to the "How are you?" questions with such unnecessary elaborations, and it makes me focus of me me me and my feelings, which is, to be honest, very sickening. 

I never knew the word "self-conscious" existed before college. But all my life, I think I've been focusing too much to please others, to hope for people to accept me, to be likeable, and yeah, to be number one. I always fear people laughing at me. Or people thinking that I'm doing things I'm not supposed to do. I guess for 20 years of my life, I haven't been living my life, but living to meet up to other people's expectations. And I'm tired of it.

I wish I never had to go through that period of my life where I developed that attitude. And that, in the end, seems to mean the same thing as "I wish I was a different person"...

Putting aside anger, shame and guilt, and trying to stop comparing myself with others, I actually see that this abrupt change in my life is something good. I always had the difficulty to include God in my sentences (I still do). I mean I hate appearing to be fake. But this time I think although I haven't been really living up to His standards, the door that's been closed carries a message He wants me to find out, and I guess I'm on my way. I actually thank God for having Him in my life, because I'd be long gone by now especially when I follow my emotions too much. I that emotional part that's embedded inside of me kinds of diminishes when I remind myself that God knows what's He's doing. 

If there's one thing that I'm concerned of...I'm actually afraid that after all these hardship, is it still happening because I couldn't grasp the meaning and importance of all that had happened? Is it repeating because I refuse to change my attitude? Is it following me throughout the years, simply because I failed to grow from each situation?

People say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. They say I'll grow stronger from this. I'm really not sure of this, because I don't see any changes in my attitude. I wish I never had to rely on friends to make me feel better. I wish I never had to expose my weaknesses to a lot of people. I wish that stronger meant that I'd be matured enough to wait and pray in silence. I wish it meant I never had to blog about my feelings, like I've been doing too excessively throughout my college days.

All I see is that I've grown bitter, not stronger. And I don't want that to continue. If this trial means that I'll have a brand new chance to start afresh, I'm actually hoping to see that day when I can tell myself I'm matured enough to take things positively. That's the word.

Talking about positive-thinking, I think I have a few good things to list down:

1. INTEC taught me the value of trust and friendship and the importance of not judging others.
2. I lived through many days crying on my pillow and learning to face life's challenges.
3. I learnt that there'll be a point in life where you'll fall, or fall hard, but you just gotta keep breathing.
4. I appreciated the fact that God gave me a chance in life to learn and play guitar.
5. This current pause in my life gives me the time to think on what I really want to do in my life.
6. Campus Alive was actually the best thing that ever happened to me throughout my teen years.
7. I met the most incredible group of people I ever met so far.
8. Akasia was the best hostel I've ever been in so far.
9. I actually finished my marathon without quitting halfway through.
10. The ending to this chapter is not so nice, but my life is not ending here after all..

If this event can change me into a new person, I'm actually looking forward to do far better than I can ever imagine. And I really do hope that it'll mean I'll learn to trust God more instead of blaming and complaining. And I hate to sound too positive..coz I've been in this cycle..but if being positive means I'm looking forward to continue living, I guess that's what I should be doing.

On a lighter (but totally unrelated) note..I'm amused by a reader who keeps on coming to this blog by searching my blog name instead of the URL. I mean..I thought thespeechlessdustbin was catchy enough to remember compared to Endure in Silence? ;)

Level 65

For the first time this week, I screamed yearghhh with all my heart.

I finally reached a new checkpoint, level 65 on AstroPop Deluxe after I think five weeks and numerous failed attempts.

Achieving something when you keep on failing is such a great feeling. 

And the only reason I achieved level 65 is because I didn't stop trying. I failed. And failed. And failed. But I told myself there must be a day I can reach that new checkpoint.

It's about time I do the same to my life. I still don't feel like eating or doing anything. I still feel I'm better off dead sometimes. But if I give up now, I won't be able to see that new checkpoint, that level 65.

Life is not easy. Staying alive is not easy. But for some reason, giving up on living is not easy too.

Positive

Story of my life summarised into eight screenshots from My Boss My Hero.

Stages of Depression

Have you heard of the song Six Degress of Separation? It goes like "First, you think the worst is a broken heart, whats gonna kill you is the second part, and the third, is when your world splits down the middle", and it goes on describing forth, fifth, then sixth..

I think depression has many stages, many funny ones if you ask me. It's like you're sad but you can be happy for a while. No wonder in anime sometimes they can make it so depressing then put some funny short moments in between.

Yesterday when I posted my update, I was already okay. You know, like really okay. But then the funny cycle repeats itself up until now, and is still ongoing.

Here's a brief summary of the stages:

1. Goes to bed. Can't sleep. Play some depressing music. Cry like crazy, feel like shouting and swallowing 100 paracetamol tablets.

2. Let's listen to some gospel music. No, not "There is None Like You", too many good memories with that one.

3. Falls asleep feeling so thirsty but "F it, I don't mind falling sick. If that could kill me then it's better to fall sick."

4. Wakes up at 8. "Shit, too early, let's pretend to sleep."

5. Finally gets up a few hours later. Got busy for the whole evening. Wash car. Do some light kitchen work.

6. Bathe and think about life, saying "F it, what have I done to my life?"

7. Then "Come on, I need to know some important updates on Facebook."

8. Scrolls to infinity and get sad seeing all the happy updates. Scream inside, "I HATE YOUUUU" to everyone, including friends. Unlike a few pages which used to be liked. Decides to cut ties PERMANENTLY with those who don't give a damn about me when I'm horribly depressed. Curse here, curse there. Starts to question "where is X, where is Y", whine like a bitchy teen, fuming because "Life's unfair" and "Nobody cares."

9. Log in to blog to post this angry update so that the world knows that I hate it so much.

10. Feel messed up. Shit really got serious this time.

11. Dread about tomorrow. 

12. Repeat cycle to infinity.

At this moment, I swear I really hate everyone, including myself.

This is why I hate to see this day coming. I was afraid that I might hate the things and people whom I had good memories with, and it's true. It has become a reality. I hate you, and I'm serious. I hate you.

Today...

Today I want to thank myself for my sense of humour.

For without you, I'd be gone by now..

If you're here to know how am I doing, I can say that I'm doing pretty well. If you're here to laugh at me, I actually don't care why the f would you want to laugh at me when your own future is blurry. If you're here because you're really concerned, I actually want to tell you that I'm amused that sleep and music has stopped from becoming my cure against suicidal thoughts and depression. I mean, heck, why am I not crying right now?

I'm kidding. I actually feel free from the burden I've carried for two years, after long conversations with some friends who as usual, helped me to see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

Despite losing the chance to brag about a miracle that could have happened, I'm actually excited that my future is so unpredictable now, which means I don't have to do anything else but wait.

I feel nuts for experiencing too many emotions in one day...

And to end this crappy post which I will (probably) laugh at in ten years time,

MAN, SHIT JUST GOT SERIOUS! :P

Tomorrow...

There's starting to be a trend on Facebook with so many status updates that reflect how nervous people are now. I find it amusing because those who are posting are the ones who usually do very well in their exams. It made me see a pattern that some people are really confident with the fact that they're going to make it, while some sound as if they'll be in major shock to see the results tomorrow. I can say that 99.9% of those who are posting tonight on Facebook are surely going to make it. No kidding. 

As for me, I'm actually in a bad situation. I don't actually want to know the results tomorrow, because my sister is getting married the next day. I can feel that whatever that's going to happen tomorrow is going to affect my mood entirely. And weddings mean that there are no running away from relatives and family friends. They will go frenzy asking me whether I'm on holiday, when am I going to finish studying, and a thousand more questions I would love to avoid. Not to mention that my soon-to-be bro-in-law's family will be arriving tomorrow and spending their night at our home, which means home won't feel like home tomorrow. I can't be sad and appear emo and angry and cranky. I can't lock myself in my room with the radio on turned up so loud, that no one hears me screaming (lyrics..). No skipping dinner. No I'm-not-answering-you and I-don't-want-to-talk face. Don't get me wrong. I'm just an introvert who doesn't really like the presence of people whom I never met. If I can make it, well it won't be a problem. 

I don't really feel nervous now as I'm doing so many things like watching anime and reading books and listening to music while singing off-key. But it's ironic that tomorrow I'm gambling my emotions. I haven't been crying because of stress for so long. I don't want to, if you ask me. All these thinking gives me a headache..I just ask for one thing. I'm not dreaming for straight As like last time, the night prior to my SPM results. This time I just want to hit that exact target, not lower, not higher. That'll be enough. But thinking back, did I really do my part? Did I really do all that I could? Did I pray hard enough? Did I make God my first, and studies my second? Did I meet all of my lecturers for help? Did I go out of the exam hall without any regrets?

I'm afraid I have to say no to all of those questions. Who am I, an imperfect human being who up until now still haven't been trying hard enough to please my Creator and make the best of what He gave me. 

Tomorrow either way things go, I guess I'll never be the same person again.

That Window

16th March 2013, 7.26pm - 7.29pm.

I created this gif many months ago (photos were taken in March). This was the view from my window back in Akasia. I lived in Block 8, by the roadside and next to the basketball court which separates the block from the petrol station. During exam time I would be annoyed by the high-pitched voice of the songs heard from the petrol station played because of some random mini promos. At night I would enjoy the midnight breeze, and laugh alone sometimes when I hear an annoying customised honk from a car which would pass by quite frequently. My block was never completely quiet, there were sounds of vehicles all the time. I got used to it after some time. I witnessed a lot of things through this window - a minor motorcycle accident, a father yelling harshly to his little boy while walking by, birds flying back to their nests when it's about to rain, cloud movements, lightnings, falling leaves. I really do miss this window a lot. :)

I have a lot of other photos taken at this similar spot in various weathers. I'll see if I have time to make another gif and post it here.

Fee Reads...(#2)

Fee reads about Fi in Talking to the Dead.

It has probably been a month since I finished my last book, so I kind of think that you know my verdict on this one. Man, it was so hard to finish.

Unlike some crime books which I've read in the past, this one is not really a page-turner. I could have just abandoned it but I didn't because I paid 31 bucks for it after planning to buy it for about 4 or 5 months. Like I said, the main character has the same name with me..so I thought it would be interesting.

Well it wasn't that bad, I mean, ohkayyy, cool murder case, cool woman cop, lots of f words..but what annoyed me most is that it was too draggy, I lost my patience to find out who's the killer and what's the story behind the whole killing. And I took the title too literally, I thought the dead victims were kind of going to try to talk to the main character. Only towards the last few pages I understood why the title said so.

I gave an early 3 out of 5 stars throughout the whole time I was reading this, but at page 371 out of 377, I changed my mind. Perhaps 3.5 would be better. I kind of like the ending, how things start to slowly unfold. 

Overall, I'm glad of finishing this one, although to be honest it won't really leave a strong impact/nice thought/unexplainable emotions inside my brain. It was not bad at all, but also not that wow-ing.

*I never learnt how to write proper book reviews, so if you happen to stumble upon this, sorry, I was typing this one out for my own record. :P

...and yayyyyyy! I know 15 is not a lot, but 15 is
realistic enough for now. :D

Writing a Song

Not sure whether it's going to be finished, but I'm in the mood of writing something.

Something that sounds like this:

Lots of photos, lots of questions,

Unresolved doubts, and appreciation.

I'm still unsure of the main thing I'm writing about, and yeah, from those two first lines, it's hard to tell what do I really mean. I was just so bored two nights ago and flipped through the detective book which I'm still struggling to finish. My eyes caught a sentence on one page - "Lots of photos, lots of questions."

I know a song which was written this way. I mean by opening a random book. So I said to myself, okay, let's give it a try. I really do hope I'm finishing this one...

Wrong Words, Right Words

Have you ever been in a situation where you find yourself having a difficult time expressing your thoughts, afraid that you might offend someone you really care about?

A few days back a very good friend of mine lost her mum. And I found it really hard to tell her how much I care. We're miles away, there's no way I can give her a hug, and honestly, words being typed and spoken through the phone are so hard to convey.

I wanted to say "Stay strong", but who am I to tell her to stay strong when I don't know the pain she's going through.

This made me think back of something a friend said to me perhaps a year ago. Sometimes people do care, but they do not know how to react, or say the right words. 

I just hope I didn't become a useless friend. I just hope I said the right words.

This Song

I fell in love with this song. The whole thing - the lyrics, the melody. Been listening for days. If I get to write my next song, I have to admit it will be heavily influenced by this one. Till now, my attempt in writing one has failed. I just don't have any idea on how I should pen down the thoughts that I'm having since I left college. I have so many things to write about, but sadly, I can't make it sound poetic enough. And one important thing, I can never force myself in this thing called songwriting. It has to come naturally, when I'm unaware, it just has to simply come from my heart.

We sat on the ride home,

singing our favourite song,

reading the line on the side of the roads,

it tells me, "You're not alone."

Beautiful

This is next in my wishlist.

I found this when randomly Googling for guitars. This would be a perfect gift for my birthday haha. I admit, my heart never left my birthpace, although sometimes when I think back, there's no way that I can live there once again in this lifetime. Even if I have the chance to go back, I don't think I can, because looking back, my character seemed to be shaped based on my experiences here, and not there. 

But well, daydreaming is sometimes quite fun.

Yo August

I'm writing this down tonight just because I want to reread something I've written on the first of August this year, and so that something on the first of August appears on my blog archive as seen on your left hand side.

Well well well. Time really does fly. I'm getting nearer and nearer to the dreadful date, and there's no way I can prolong the inevitable, other than doing things that do not give me any worries at all, such as watching random movies and trying to finish the detective book which is, apparently, so hard to finish.

One of my friends on Facebook keep on updating the countdown to the day, which of course, reminds me that time is passing by so fast, and all these fun of nothingness will end pretty soon.

In a random story, I've gained 5 kg since the last time I weighed myself, which was probably around one and a half year ago.

I'm starting to behave like typical girls who say they're fat even when in reality, they're not so fat. This, in turn, reminds me of my housemate who says I'm just like those girls whenever I complain to her that I'm fat. I don't know. Ever since turning 20, I begin to have a lot of weird thoughts including being in a relationship and all those stuff.

One thing I also realise is that I no longer enjoy watching action movies, one thing which I really liked since I was 12. Nowadays I cringe when seeing punches being exchanged. And I start to have this weird interest in romantic comedy movies. Or just romantic movies. And think about how my first date will be. And how is the personality of my first boyfriend. Like seriously..I think I'm evolving into an unknown pokemon woman.

Anyway, I told you this is not going to be a good entry at all coz it's just one of those days when I feel like updating something random and silly, so yeah, see you soon in a better blog update.