Nice to Know You

I somehow managed to shut down that annoying part of my brain for one day, which is quite a huge relief after one week of pain in the brain.

I don't know how to explain this and why should I, but I kind of realise that all this shit that has happened is

1) happening because of my own attitude

2) not that shitty if viewed in another perspective

3) embarrassing, but makes me reflect more on myself and how I treated others for the past years

I think my tendency of overthinking and letting the world know what I feel has been the major problem and the beginning to the massive growth of my self-pity and feeling of worthlessness. I mean..before college I never felt the need to open up to too many people because I just couldn't trust people. However these days I find myself answering to the "How are you?" questions with such unnecessary elaborations, and it makes me focus of me me me and my feelings, which is, to be honest, very sickening. 

I never knew the word "self-conscious" existed before college. But all my life, I think I've been focusing too much to please others, to hope for people to accept me, to be likeable, and yeah, to be number one. I always fear people laughing at me. Or people thinking that I'm doing things I'm not supposed to do. I guess for 20 years of my life, I haven't been living my life, but living to meet up to other people's expectations. And I'm tired of it.

I wish I never had to go through that period of my life where I developed that attitude. And that, in the end, seems to mean the same thing as "I wish I was a different person"...

Putting aside anger, shame and guilt, and trying to stop comparing myself with others, I actually see that this abrupt change in my life is something good. I always had the difficulty to include God in my sentences (I still do). I mean I hate appearing to be fake. But this time I think although I haven't been really living up to His standards, the door that's been closed carries a message He wants me to find out, and I guess I'm on my way. I actually thank God for having Him in my life, because I'd be long gone by now especially when I follow my emotions too much. I that emotional part that's embedded inside of me kinds of diminishes when I remind myself that God knows what's He's doing. 

If there's one thing that I'm concerned of...I'm actually afraid that after all these hardship, is it still happening because I couldn't grasp the meaning and importance of all that had happened? Is it repeating because I refuse to change my attitude? Is it following me throughout the years, simply because I failed to grow from each situation?

People say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. They say I'll grow stronger from this. I'm really not sure of this, because I don't see any changes in my attitude. I wish I never had to rely on friends to make me feel better. I wish I never had to expose my weaknesses to a lot of people. I wish that stronger meant that I'd be matured enough to wait and pray in silence. I wish it meant I never had to blog about my feelings, like I've been doing too excessively throughout my college days.

All I see is that I've grown bitter, not stronger. And I don't want that to continue. If this trial means that I'll have a brand new chance to start afresh, I'm actually hoping to see that day when I can tell myself I'm matured enough to take things positively. That's the word.

Talking about positive-thinking, I think I have a few good things to list down:

1. INTEC taught me the value of trust and friendship and the importance of not judging others.
2. I lived through many days crying on my pillow and learning to face life's challenges.
3. I learnt that there'll be a point in life where you'll fall, or fall hard, but you just gotta keep breathing.
4. I appreciated the fact that God gave me a chance in life to learn and play guitar.
5. This current pause in my life gives me the time to think on what I really want to do in my life.
6. Campus Alive was actually the best thing that ever happened to me throughout my teen years.
7. I met the most incredible group of people I ever met so far.
8. Akasia was the best hostel I've ever been in so far.
9. I actually finished my marathon without quitting halfway through.
10. The ending to this chapter is not so nice, but my life is not ending here after all..

If this event can change me into a new person, I'm actually looking forward to do far better than I can ever imagine. And I really do hope that it'll mean I'll learn to trust God more instead of blaming and complaining. And I hate to sound too positive..coz I've been in this cycle..but if being positive means I'm looking forward to continue living, I guess that's what I should be doing.

On a lighter (but totally unrelated) note..I'm amused by a reader who keeps on coming to this blog by searching my blog name instead of the URL. I mean..I thought thespeechlessdustbin was catchy enough to remember compared to Endure in Silence? ;)