#31 Crutches, Participating, and Pretty Much Everything

I have decided that starting from next year I will be blogging daily.

At least one picture a day. That's the goal. And I'm doing this for myself, not for you, not for anyone.

Because the year is about to end and I suddenly feel like I've wasted another good year being a coward and not attempting stuffs I've always wanted to attempt. Oh how we beg and we borrow, say we'll do it tomorrow, but tomorrow never seems to come..

And I realise that each day has its own story that shapes us to who we are today (how cliche..)

Anyway. Back to being serious.

It's been one whole week since I posted something that I deleted--and I'm glad the monster is back in its cage. It hasn't been an easy week, last Friday was disastrous, and to be honest things aren't showing any signs of improvement..

But on Saturday a friend popped up on chat for the first time in months, asking me how I stayed alive, and I find it ironic that I was actually in a mess that previous night, and well hello, now someone is asking me what's the secret of staying alive when life is shit.

The old me would say this is a sign from God, telling me that I am still needed in this world, but hey, I'm no longer the old me (sorry to disappoint..) and I began rambling again, and surprise surprise, I used the word crutches.

Because surprise, surprise, while I was sobbing all night listening to Starry Starry Night (/Vincent--whichever title you're familiar with) I was so damn tired of everything and I almost thought by 30 I'd be a loony on a bus ride, but hey, I did the most genius thing. I prayed! (Hah, I didn't--sorry to disappoint.)

I drank my canned coffee. Two cans, to be exact. I could gulp a third can, but within half an hour the caffeine began to kick in and the world became all sunshine and rainbows (and unicorns) again, and I decided I didn't want to die yet. And I stopped feeling tired.

And at that moment, it dawned upon me that I am now solving 99.99% of my problems using crutches. 

And canned coffee is my crutch. Bus rides too. And library visits. 

The friend told me then that if I ever lose these crutches I can find new ones, which well, sounds logical. But what if my crutches turn into things that will harm me back? I wonder about people with substance abuse now. I never cared about them. But now I feel like a potential substance abuser and that kind of scares me. 

So I stopped taking canned coffee for a week now. And I haven't been on my favourite bus for a week too. But I had my library visit, and that's OK because it isn't harmful in any way. I tried to see how my life would be without the coffee and the bus, and damn it, this week's been terrible.

Which brings us to point number two, participating.

That's Jake Bugg. And every time I feel like I don't want to participate in anything, I feel like I'm Jake Bugg, for no real reason. It's just how my brain associates his face with an idgaf attitude.

And really, for the whole week (and the week before) I no longer bother about trying to participate in certain things. Part of it is because I tried and didn't feel encouraged to try again, and part of it is because pure laziness.

There's this class that I was previously a bit eager to learn stuffs from and participate in, but my earlier participation weren't accepted in a way I like it, so right now I'm really unmotivated to even make any effort in that class. It also annoys me that the culture of Googling for everything is so damn prevalent in class, and no one wants to admit that they don't know something anymore. Tutor asks a question? Don't know the answer? Google! Hah! Sheep! We're breeding a generation that's going to be too proud to say that simple verse. "I don't know." "I'm not sure." Everyone's reading out answers from their phones. What's the fucking point?

I'd prefer if students are asked questions and are expected to answer what they know, whatever they know. If they know something, let them share it. If they don't know something, allow them to say they don't know. And if they answer something wrongly, correct them in an appropriate way. And if the educator is wrong, oh please, educators, if you're wrong, don't say you're right. I'm so sick of this eastern culture of budaya menghormati guru supaya ilmu berkat. I mean yes, respect your teachers. But I look up to educators who learn together with their students. I better stop rambling, cos it's going to show how much unteachable I am. 

And my dad was listening to the radio this morning when the dj said the word lintang-pukang, speaking in rojak english. He said there's an english word for that, but it's on the tip of his tongue. The old me would quickly answer him, but after two weeks of giving up on participating in class, it seems that I also gave up participating for real. I knew the word, but I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and put on my Jake Bugg face.

I don't know why am I so angry these days.

I also fell asleep for real in classes.

It's so weird.

I don't think I'm tired. I don't think I'm depressed. A little bit down, yeah, but things aren't so bad like there's a big hand squeezing my head. Now that's bad. This is more like...a feeling like all motivation is lost. 

I'm suspecting it's partly because I became too dependent on my crutches. So when I don't get those crutches, I feel like I can't walk. Scary.

Whatever it is, well, things aren't just going to get better if I blog about it, but it does feel good to get some of it off my chest. I hope next week I'll be more motivated and less grumpy, because it's so hard to live an unmotivated and grumpy life.

Also, my current song obsession: