I'm Sorry

"Ask if you don't understand", they said.

But how can you ask if you don't know what to ask?

And then you really want to ask, but no one seems to care to explain. 

Now I know why some kids still cannot read or write or count while their peers are way ahead of them. It's not they're fault. It's not that they're stupid.

It's rather because they were denied a chance,

or maybe because no one really cares.

Maybe a loser doesn't deserve to be in this place.

I'm Sorry

"It's OK", they say. "You've done your best", they say.

That's the problem.

When I know I've done my best, but I just can't carry on, it hurts.

It hurts when I really want to talk to my mum about this but I can't, because she's not supposed to be worried about me. It hurts that no matter how people try to motivate me, I just don't see the point of everything. It hurts that I know I shouldn't be acting like this, but at the same time I just feel so hopeless.

I know I shouldn't give up.

I know I can try doing better next time.

But you don't know one of my greatest fears. You just don't know.

"I did badly too", they say.

But they're lying. They still get what they want, or at least more than what I need.

I'm sorry, you just don't understand.

My Brain Right Now

Poisson. Darwin's Finches. Rate Equation. "It's not SIN..it's SINE"..

Topic tests. IELTS Speaking. Flight back home. CG Outing. 

RUBISCO. Guitar. Sleep.Eattt. 

Three types of Adaptation - Physiological, Anatomical, Behavioural..

Have to do laundry. Regrets of buying Indomie original flavour.

Why is Akasia so hot? Xylem vessel. XYLEM VESSEL.
Sclerenchyma. Plamodesmata. RuBP. NADPH. Non-cyclic Phosphorylation.

Guitarrr. Sleeepp. Tomorrow's test is at 4pm. Bio field trip.

and last but not least.."WHY ALL THESE PAST-YEAR PAPERS

SMELL LIKE BIG APPLE DONUTS??! T_T

Very messed up brain (and nose) indeed.


*it's ok if you don't get it, I don't know what I'm doing too..

Bio. Bio. Bio.

Been saying this too much lately:

"I'd rather do nothing than doing something out of terpaksa-ness."

When you take it less seriously, I have to tell you that it's somehow true about me, so yeahhh now you see me here instead of burying my nose in my Bio textbooks - because I'd rather do nothing than doing something out of terpaksa-ness.

I know, when it comes to studying/revising/preparing for tests, this principle isn't going to help me much.

Been cramming for Bio since mid sem break, and honestly I'm pretty much gambling for it since I completely abandoned my Maths, Stats and Chemistry. Going to have topic tests on these subjects too next week, and I seriously haven't really read my Chemistry. 

I just want to reach my target for Bio this time, and yes I know now I'm very serious about it (even though I'm now semi-relaxing). At the same time, I'm afraid that I'm just being too unrealistically ambitious. To be honest, this target-setting thingy is really burning up my spirit of studying. It's something my classmate mentioned to me last topic test when we both scored quite badly. I'm accepting the challenge, and my hopes are quite high now. In fact too high that I'm afraid I'm just going to make myself end up in chronic miserable state when I get the results later.

So yeah, now we shall see how this story is going to end.

I should get back to the books because I can feel that feeling of studying now. That's what I was waiting for. When I do it not out of terpaksa-ness, it really makes me happy. 

Tomorrow's gonna be awesome.

I hope.

Gravity

Gravity..wants to bring me down..

*ok, back to Bio...

Why oh Why?

True story, even when I get more than enough hours of sleep.

Sad, sad. It's not that I intentionally do so.

Close Your Ears. No, Don't.

[Story behind the song can be found in my post sometime in January]

Just kidding. Tell me what you honestly think about it. It may sound good to me but not to you, so yeah, one thing about writing songs is that it makes me perasan sometimes and I don't want to grow perasan if it's actually not good. Haha. I believe improvement will come with time and experience, so yeah, it's better for me to keep on uploading so that one day I can look back and say..

"Oh no, why did I upload it in the first place?"

or maybe something better like..

"Oh wow, last time I used to sing/play/compose like that..now I'm getting better." (Self-motivation). XP

Teehee. Just me having some little extra dose of perasan-ness and hyperness. Anyway, enjoy. I write songs not only for me to listen to, but for everyone who wants to listen. (I'd rather be perasan than syok sendiri). So yeah go listen and make sure you put the most minimum volume (but not mute, of course). I accept comments like "improve your singing", "try something new with your lyrics", etc. Help me to do better next time! :)

Thank you for sacrificing your broadband. One more coming very soon, hopefully.

Siblings (and Tales of Childhood)

Siblings. They're among the very few people in your life who appreciates you for who you are.

My sister made my day despite the first sight I had to see this morning as I woke up was something rather horrid.

Yes. Horrid.

Imagine waking up later than your housemates, and the first thing you see when you open the door is..

a bunch of people, all burying their noses in their Bio textbooks. Horrid scene, I have to say.

As moody as I already am, I felt like running back into the room and burying myself under the blanket once more.

But yeah, my sister made my day.

I often feel like my heart skips a beat or two whenever my phone beeps, indicating there's a text message. Yes, I am always happy of receiving those unpredictable messages from the people who I love.

However that's not always the case. Messages from telecommunication companies and annoying adverts really get into my nerves. I find myself having a habit of saying "if this is (insert company name), I'm gonna kill (insert company name) before I open every message.

But yeah, this morning it was from my eldest sister. We don't text each other that often, and today I realise how much I actually miss her. Before coming here, she's in my list among the most annoying person I've ever met. But now, I feel that she's among the people who I really love and appreciate in my life, and this evening, doing something quite fun, I'm so happy that I have the chance to tell her by myself that I love her.

Ah, I just don't know why, these past few weeks I just can't stop thinking of my family.

My eldest sister, she's always treating me like a little child, perhaps because I'm the youngest so I have to be forever young. Sometimes I see her in some of the seniors in this place. Yeah, that funny little feeling when you feel like your elder sibling is there in front of you while that's not the reality. 

She said to me once, "Last time when you were little you used to be so close (and manja) with me..but now..". Yeah, I have to admit, as we get older, I never really spent time with her, she never really spent her time with me too. But today, I find it fun texting with her, asking how's life, boyfriend, work etc. Made me remember the old days when we did things together more often. And the days when I often asked her to accompany my to the toilet because I was such a chicken.

My second sister, she's also constantly treating me like a little child, but since I entered college, I find it magnificent that I once talked about BGR and other big matters with her lol. And it's awesome that sometimes I give advice to her too. Teehee. She's the only one in the family who's always singing with me whenever I play guitar. Random fact: My mum said once upon a time when I was a baby I couldn't stay still when my sister was holding me, and my head knocked her nose, and yeah, she had a terrible nosebleed. I was a bad, bad baby.

My bestest friend in the whole wide world? Easy answer. My third sister. We fight a million times, yet still we get along well with each other. When I'm annoyed, I just don't talk to her. When  she's angry, she does the same. I think I'm closer to her compared to the others because of our age gap, when I entered secondary school she was still in the same school, we spent most of the time together at home, when we were little we played lego together, she had the awesomest imagination a child would have - we built walls/houses and put a family of dad a human, mum a chimpanzee, children were bunnies under one roof and then we did spontaneous scripts, I vaguely remember of what we actually did but it was basically acting/playing something about a daily life of a bizarre family. We often had dinner at the same time, I never really remember how many times did I manage to finish my food.

Sometimes we put blankets between the beds of my 2nd and 3rd sister, then we sat beneath it, acting as if we're in a tent, camping in the jungle. Lights off, we played with the torchlight, ow yeah it was fun. And I still remember my 3rd sister used to build a tent out of plastic bags behind our house. Haha. 

Now that we're all grown up, I just have this little fear on how things will change once they all get married one day. Even seeing them having boyfriends make me feel that they have less time with me. (Yes, especially when I'm talking to them and their boyfriends suddenly texted them, and soon I realise that I'm actually talking to myself while their replying the messages - happens a lot of times). :P Ah, life is funny.

Hmm. Why oh why am I being so nostalgic tonight?

Just Kidding

Looking forward to the day, 

when I can proudly say, 

"grandma bent the rules and hey, 

it was so fun oww yeay!" :P

Yeah I just can't shut up or stop rhyming things up after such a bizarre day.

I dare not to comment any further.

Life is fun.

Hope that was vague enough. Just kidding. Well that's the only thing I can say when I hesitate about saying things :P

*was hesitating about posting this but yeah, my blog deserves an update today.

Heh

Thinking about mid sem break which had just passed, and still trying hard to adjust my days back to normal.

Yay

No exclamation mark, so you know what's the meaning.

It's a fake yay.

Finally completed my bio report last night at 3 (Yay!) and now trying to make sure I remember all the things which are supposed to be done by tonight.

So yeah, back to real life.

Yay.

Emo

That

annoying

little

feeling

...when you're feeling hungry in the middle of the night with a bio report 75% done and you're thinking about all of your siblings except you are at home, and you're the youngest, yet they, older than you, are enjoying your mum's cooking and you're stuck in this land of far far away only with indomie as an option because it's the only thing that tastes good yet you're worrying of the long-term effects it will cause to your intelligence level and the voice of your dad prohibiting you from eating instant noodles keeps on ringing in your head  since the beginning of sem 1 and you're left wondering...

why oh why..

when I think about food, I feel homesick.

I am soooooooo not complaining.

*back to bio report.

Day 8

Bio report..still not done yet.

I hate myself for not being efficient.

So there's this one person, sleeping on the sofa hoping that 1 and a half hour of sleep would be enough after a few hours trying to finish the whole thing in one go.

Then suddenly there's this fellow, calling her phone and greeting her good morning in a cheerful voice.

Why do some people can be so active in the morning? 

So the adventure began. With my brain still half asleep, I spent my morning doing something that I would never forget in my entire life.

Came back in the afternoon and dropped dead back again, now not on the sofa.

Now I have to get back to Bio, or else I'll be in deep trouble. Tomorrow's Sunday. I just can't believe it.

Why oh why the break is too short?

--------

So errr, was trying to comment on my friend's blog yesterday and found out that..

...commenting is not easy especially for blogs that have comment moderation. You even have to prove you're not a robot. I never knew about that. So yeah, thanks for entertaining my lameness during this break.  *salute* Will miss the times when I can blog freely like this. Back to real life soon. Aaaaaa.

I Used to Hate Rich Kids

I'm starting to think that I'm talking too much tonight, but I can't help it. It would be such a waste for not writing this down, because I know that I'll find it funny in the future as I reread everything.

This has been forever left as a draft.

Before you decide to start reading, I would like to stress on the words "used to." 

I'm finally taking up the challenge to write honestly about how this land of far far away has taught me to think about people and things differently.

To be honest, I never liked rich kids. 

Years ago, you will find me uttering the phrase "Huh, anak orang kaya." whenever there's a child on TV who plays piano very well. Or a teen who scored really well in exams and got a placement in a very good university. Or a group of kids joining golf tournaments, pictured in the sports section of the newspaper.

I was that negative.

I grew up thinking that if you're rich, oww yeah you're happy.

It's not that I come from a very poor family, in fact I find my life pretty funny. I don't always get what I want, but I have what I need. God has provided more than enough for my family (I believe that He provides more than enough for everyone as well), but it's my attitude which caused me to keep on seeing the things that other people have, and question myself why can't I have the same?

When I came here, I started to see even clearly the things that I have, and what other people don't have. And how balanced and fair things are as well. There is no such thing as "life is unfair." 

Again, it's not that I was a very ungrateful teen, but what I'm trying to say is that now I can mix with rich kids without having any thoughts which I had in the past. 

You play musical instruments very well as a result of music classes? That's talent.

You're good in a certain sport because you had a personal coach? That's your talent as well.

Back then, I wouldn't say that's talent. I would say "Huh, anak orang kaya."

..but last semester a friend of mine said something which still sticks in my mind.

I was surprised to see a class still receiving photocopied notes from their lecturer, so I said "Wah..senangnya..masih kena suap." (Wah, so easy, still being spoon-fed).

She answered me in a very wise way, "Kena suap pun kena kunyah sendiri jugak." (Being spoon-fed also requires you to chew everything yourself). 

*translation provided just for fun. As if I have any international readers lol.

Reality struck me.

Why did I hate these people so much in the past? Now they're the ones helping me to grow a lot in this place. 

I know why. It's the environment that I've been growing up in throughout my teen years. I come from a neighbourhood where people work as teachers, nurses, policemen etc.

Not lawyers, doctors, engineers, businessmen etc.

My school friends, some of them were from surrounding "modern villages", with parents working in the government sector. We spoke our native dialect, not English. They don't brag about how they've been to London, Paris, New York, how thick the snow was, how cold the toilet bowl was etc. We talked about normal stuffs everyday, about TV programmes (Indonesian dramas, as far as I can remember), studies, music, school's latest news etc. so I got used to these kind of stuffs.

Now that I'm here, I do find that some people love to share their stories so much, and it was annoying at first, and I did (and still) have the thoughts of proving to them for not being a budak Sarawak who doesn't know about a single thing out of this country. But I refrained myself from doing so. 

Why?

Because it's those rich kids, who didn't act like those stereotyped rich kids, who made me see that I was wrong for hating them.

I hope I don't sound like judging. It's not my intention to judge, neither I have the rights to do so. All I want to say that I've learned a lot from the people I meet in college. As I listened to their stories, I came to realise that we're pretty much the same after all. This environment that I'm in now is rather balanced and I can see myself mixing well with rich and not-so-rich people, so yeah it's fun to get to know people's backgrounds and see how their characters are shaped based on these kind of things. Humans are one bunch of interesting thing to be studied.

Haha.

Schools and Traditions

Why so sudden? Ah, actually I've been thinking of pouring my thoughts on this for quite a long time already. Before my inspiration runs dry, I think I better start saying out what I want to say.

For all my life, I've only been to ordinary schools. 

However, you may not know that I actually have a very deep interest in boarding schools, or schools with traditions, and the way they work.

"If you have children in the future, will you send them to schools like RMC?", I asked my friends one day. They laughed at me. They gave me some of their opinions too.

I just don't know why, but when I look at other people's photos of their schooldays, I get this funny little question, "What did I do during my schooldays?".

School traditions are one of the coolest things people could experience in their lifetime. I occasionally visit the websites of two all-boys schools which are (weirdly) becoming my top two schools which I would like to visit one day. They are Suan Kularb Wittayalai School and Vajiravudh College in Thailand.

I know I'm weird.

But it's fun looking at photos of them attending school programmes and continuing their school tradition. They even have this some sort of pride of their school to the point that some of them have fb names which end with their school's name.

So I would imagine myself, having an fb name like..errr..Fee Penrissen.

One friend told me that it's not really good to have that kind of attachment. Yes, we all have some sort of pride and fondness towards our old schools and the memories that we left behind, but somehow we need to move on.

I love my old school, if you'd asked me. Penrissen is a very old school itself, established in 1965, but most of the buildings are new ones. 

I had a chance to experience a school with tradition when I was in Form 1, but I ran away from it. And I never regretted. MRSM has this homeroom system thingy, bonds between senior-juniors were quite strong (I guess so), boarding school atmosphere gives you a routine which soon becomes some sort of a tradition, but yeah, I ran away to a normal school which made me happy anyway.

I'm jumping here and there, slowly away from my main topic.

When they look back on their schooldays, I bet those people see the days when they went through the traditions and stuffs.

When I look back on mine, I guess it's more less the same after all. Got friends. Got nice teachers. Got sports day (which I never attended anyway). 

But one good thing about schools with traditions, they have alumni associations :D

People from normal school like me, once they get out of the school, they're forgotten :X

..and one funny thing is that I was really hoping to go to some sort of university which has a tradition, like those old British ones. Months before SPM you could find me visiting Wikipedia almost everyday just to read about those kind of universities, staring at their logos, and examining the mottos.

and I forgot to mention university scarves. Those which have different colours according to faculty. Very cool stuff indeed.

Ironically, the place where I'm (hopefully) going to head to is quite a new university, yeah I doubt they have any tradition or Hogwards-like buildings.

Nah, try to guess which uni has this motto: Via, Veritas, Vita.

OK, to be honest I was dreaming (and is still dreaming) of going to University of Glasgow.

'nuff said.

Day 7

Woohoo.

I just want to share about the day I found out the cure for flu. Err..which is, in fact, my second discovery for the cure of flu ever since I stepped into this land of ... err...

About one month ago I came to learn that flu and sore throat can magnificently be cured by just eating ice-cream at night.

Last night, I found another way of combating flu (or a nose that runs without feet).

Sleep with your sweater on.

Believe me, Akasia's been cold, very very cold these past few nights.

I woke up nine hours later feeling great. So it's whether because of 9 hours sleep, or sleep with sweater on. One day I shall try to get the other variable fixed.

Today has been totally unproductive.

So I don't have anything to share T_T

The Depressing (Love) Song

I finally completed it a few minutes ago. Yes, I need to be alone when I'm working out on a song because it's quite embarrassing to keep on strumming the same thing and mumbling random words.

There are a few things to clarify before I share this song here.

1. I am not in love.
2. This song isn't written for any particular person.
3. Yes, you'll find cliché lyrics.
4. This song is not written for any particular person.
5. I am not in love.

So here it goes:

HIDDEN FEELINGS 

a song about..err..hidden feelings

Verses:

Time is cruel 

We're so close

Yet still so far

Acting cool

I'm no good

Yet still I try

For you

Oh, I hope you had a clue.

(Whoaah) Feeling blue

Looking at the night sky

Thinking if you're

doing so too

Wondering if it'll

be the same if you knew

Oh, you just don't have a clue.

Pre-chorus:

I guess it doesn't really matter

'Cause there are things I should learn to hide

For all the dreams that seem to shatter

You may not know the times I've lied

Chorus:

You never know

That I'm thinking of you

but what if you had to go?

and are these feeling true?

Maybe it's worth a try?

Like a dandelion

Floating in the sky

Sometimes I wish these feelings

will find somewhere to hide

(but I know)

There are things I can't deny

Repeat the whole thing.

End with first verse.

-----------

So yeah..as usual..story-telling time. Bear with me.

I wasn't planning to complain that "time is cruel". It just happened to fit the sound of the chords which I were plucking. The paradox in the second and third lines were actually more like something I simply threw into the lyrics.

Honestly speaking, I don't really think that the lyrics deserve this melody. I've been working out on this melody for quite a while and I like it more that any of my previous songs, but it's rather sad that I had to fit in these depressing lyrics into it.

It was midnight when I wrote "looking at the night sky".

Chorus is so depressing, I know.

Most of the things don't rhyme. I know T_T

Dandelion's there for a reason. I've been loving dandelion seeds for all my life. And a few days ago I almost caught one flying in front the balcony. I failed. So I was frustrated and it got stuck inside my mind.

I'm about to turn 19, I'm a girl and I have crushes. What's so unusual about that?

We all have one (or two, or three), admit it.

So this song is dedicated to those who are keeping hidden feelings, wishing that someday, somehow, errr..I dunno how to continue.

Again, I have to say this.

I am not in love. This song just happened to be like this.

and it's up to you to have your own interpretation.

..and actually I was planning to improve a little bit by writing longer lyrics but it turned out the other way round, in fact these are the shortest lyrics I've ever written.

Will probably start recording if I have the chance to be left alone in the room or once my flu goes away. Or maybe I won't. Depends on my mood because usually I'll find out that I write bad songs after listening to it for quite a number of times.

I doubt that I can sing it anyway, because it's in the key of D, and is very high for me till I feel like I'm screaming rather than singing. I have this impression that I sound like the vocalist of my favourite band 25 Hours. Very high pitch. But mine's annoyingly high. I can't lower the key because it involves Dsus2 and Dsus4 which sound surprisingly good when I pluck them. I don't know how will it sound like if I change them to Csus2 or Csus4. Heck, I don't even know how those chords look like :S

I shall think about it first.

Bye.

Day 6

If I were a Thai, today would be one of my happiest days.

Been sneezing uncontrollably ever since I came back from lunch with three people who should remain in anonymity. 

Sneezing equals to happiness?

No. But yes.

Thais believe that whenever you sneeze, someone, somewhere is thinking of you.

-source: A movie titled "Seasons Change".

I've never stopped sneezing for the whole evening. This must mean that there are a lot of people actually missing me. I am delighted indeed.

I am in fact typing this and sneezing in irregular intervals. My nose is running without feet. I am going to get sick in any minute from now, or maybe I had gotten sick. 

Congratulations, I should say to myself, for I am the cause of my own sickness.

Main reason must be sleeping during times that I am not supposed to sleep.

Second possible cause: I drank iced lemon tea, which is diuretic (I guess). I'm feeling thirsty every second. 

Third reason seems legit. Someone must be missing me! That's why I'm sneezing a lot.

Sorry for my perasan-ness. I just can't stop from giving self-motivation to myself.

Day 5

What? Day 5?

I am shocked. How can that be possible? It feels like yesterday when I saw luxurious cars entering Akasia, parents helping their children to carry their bags into the car and everyone around me exchanging the same annoying question, "You're not going back yet?"

Today's been better, I shall say. This is mainly because I studied half of Bio Topic 4 and I can still remember what I read hours ago. A pretty good sign for a forgetful person like me, I guess. Bio report remains untouched, what more to say Bio presentation. I plan to do everything at the eleventh hour. No, just kidding. I'll start everything...tomorrow.

Slept very late last night (I'm sure you don't want to know the details), at first I was doing my Bio notes, concentrating very well, but then I thought of going online for a while. And errrr..it's hard to stop. A while became quite a long while. First, headphones on, then...I slowly got away from the books.

Anyway I managed to stop when suddenly I felt like picking up my guitar to play a few songs which have been playing in my mind. At that moment I felt like strumming some random chords which I had in my mind since a few weeks ago - well I never had time to really sit and think of any fresh ideas for the lyrics. Last night I thought of some.

Continued scribbling my notebook and the whole song gradually appeared. It was a little bit tough, not knowing the true direction of the lyrics. And it turned out to be quite a depressing song.

I tried to write more this afternoon to complete the chorus, but I'm still looking for some things to say in my final two lines of the first chorus. I thought that the water might help me to give some inspiration, so I stopped working on it and bathed, hoping that somehow I'll be able to finish it today because I know if I don't, I'm just going to abandon it like a few others in the past.

I still can't complete it, and my fingers hurt.

Well let's move on to something else.

There was this awkward moment before I logged in here just now. Believe it or not, I've been having this thing on my blog since time immemorial, and only just now I noticed that..

Maybe this is the effect of honey? I remember myself googling about the benefits of honey as I enjoyed my mug of warm water with honey. The moment I saw the lengthy paragraph, I almost immediately closed the website. Maybe honey helps me to concentrate more? Maybe I'll be smarter after this. Aaaa I am happy. Thank you, lame chop friends for always mentioning honey in front of me. Now I can't live a single day without a dosage of honey :P

I feel like being syok sendiri.

And ah, just in case anybody misses Akasia, I would like to generously share this photo:

Come back quickly. Akasia is sad without you guys.

A picture of yesterday, before the heavy rain. I like it when there are dark clouds but sunshine at the same time. Vely beautiful indeed.

So yeah, will share the depressing song once I have the inspiration to complete it.

See you tomorrow.

..and err..this braodband is not bad at all. Exceeded quota but still quite fast lol.

Day 4

I studied Photosynthesis. (but I doubt I remember a thing).

Finished reading two books, and now I'm halfway with the third.

Yes I am happy.

....but...I'm having a very slow internet connection and now I'm freaking out that I haven't even started a single thing about my Bio report.

Habislah.

Been doing nothing much today. Not in the mood to go online because apparently this slow connection is a little bit annoying, and to be honest I find that reading is more beneficial. Haha. 

..and just now I've realised that it's not peculiar that I had a childhood crush with Inspector (or Superintendent) Jenks from the Five-Find Outers series. Reading one of the books once again reminded me on how I used to imagine him as one handsome, young and caring guy, judging from the way he talks to the kids. Heh.

It's currently raining in this place, and it's rather weird to say that these past few nights had been cold. Probably because there's less emission of greenhouse gases since almost all of the people are back in their respective hometowns. 

Nothing much to say. I wish to complete my notes on Light-Independent Reactions and test myself whether I truly understand what the heck am I studying. Yeah, sounding like a nerd and one troubled student in a single sentence.

Will continue with report on Day 5, hopefully. I just hope that this slow connection is not going to kill my spirit of surviving this break. 

I will survive.

Day 3

I've successfully reached the quota for my broadband.

So maybe I have to stop doing all of these daily reports and focus on the real report I need to finish, which is my Bio report.

I don't know why I seem to be exceeding the quota for every month this year. Haven't really been to YouTube recently. Hmm.

Managed to do some maths homework this evening, after some sleep in the afternoon. I don't really feel like doing maths anyway. All I want to do is to finish reading the books that I borrowed. But ah, I'm so bad in doing different things at one go. I'd rather focus with one first, and too bad I don't really know how to set my priorities right. 

I've also found out that the more I read, the more I have this feeling of writing and continuing my so-called novel project which has been left hanging ever since I landed in this place where people seem to value science and maths more than arts. Well I know it's rather inappropriate to say so because those are the things which we are supposed to study based on what we're taking now. I wasn't really sure of my true interest anyway. I'm still not even really sure now, because I love both of them, and back in a few months ago I knew that I had to eventually choose one which will determine where I'm heading to in the future.

Man, why did I explain everything so deeply?

This is supposed to be a daily report. Gah.

One fun thing about today is that I was stopped by the guard of our local supermarket for wearing my black sweater. I was annoyed at first, but soon it came to my mind that I should be happy because my appearance must have looked pretty much like a shoplifter, which means that I don't have an innocent school nerd look after all. Or maybe I looked like a street kid. Just kidding. Whatever the guard thought of me, it's quite shocking because I've walked in without any problem before this despite of having the sweater on me. So today I had to take it off and leave it outside.

...and I guess my mum won't be proud of me if she saw the things that I bought. 

I'm quite skinny, most of the people around me say so. (But to me I have a normal weight and I'm perfectly happy with the degree of my fatness. I'm not that skinny, ok. I have fats on both side of my cheeks). That refutes their statement. 

Not many know that I have a nafsu makan yang besar. I'm one of those people who can feel really hungry around 2am and walk into the kitchen to prepare something. Something oily, eggy and contains a lot of calories. I'm never satisfied with bread. Or oat. Or nestum. They do make me happy, sometimes, but nothing beats a meal which is fried. And I'm pretty much having some regrets that I can't fry a single thing at night during this whole break because of my own reluctance of booking a flight ticket months ago. Upgrade konon. Serves me right. Now I'm the one suffering, thinking of how good it would be if I'm at home with all the food and ingredients that I can transform into something awesome.

So to console myself, I did a massive shopping spree for food. 

When I say massive, I mean what I say and I say what I mean.

My mum likes to say don't try to be stingy when it comes to food. But now, thinking of Aristotle punya konsep of jalan tengah which we learnt early this sem in Ethics, I think this is the last time I'm doing so. 

Still it doesn't beat the fact that I can't cook here grrrr. I still have to depend on instant stuff whenever I'm hungry around 2am. I am sad.

..and staying in the hostel for the rest of the day pretty much encourages my mind to eat something every minute. 

There you have it, report on Day 3 is all about food, hunger, and still no proper moments of studying. 

Day 2

I just want to see the progress (if there is any) that I'm doing during this break.

Unusual day for me, as I woke up super early on a Sunday morning. Never have I seen the sunrise in Akasia on one Sunday morning, honestly. It was great, although I had to walk out of the gate with bloodshot eyes thanks to my own reluctance of going to bed early "because it's the weekend".

Felt like I was the daughter of my two seniors as I sat in the backseat of the car. We must have looked like one happy single-child family on their way to church. Just kidding.

Had an awkward moment sitting alone while waiting for the service to start, but it was fun anyway being able to  listen to and see the worship team practising. Time passed by quite fast. Well last week I was really hoping for a moment of being silent and alone, and yeah, there I got it.

..and for the first time in my entire life I attended two services in one day, I mean two continuous services. I am astonished of what I've gone through this morning. I didn't even waste a single hour since 6.10am :D

But yeah. I guess you know what I did for the whole evening. The rain made it a nice evening..just perfect for me to recharge my almost dying battery, still in my Sunday best. If my mum didn't call me, I would probably still be in charging state till now. 

I can see some deterioration. On Day 1, I said "ah..it's OK..it's still day 1..". Today I seem to be saying the same thing. Oh no I better wake up now. 

Maths is waiting. 

Bio is waiting.

Chemistry is waiting.

No, they're not waiting for me. 

Why oh why sleeping in the evening is just so goooood?

Day 1

Welcome to the mid sem break report series.

Gladly bringing to you the first report of the week.

What does revenge means to you? Revenge, to me, means sleeping at the oddest hours...and waking up proudly without the help of an alarm clock...after weeks of not being able to do so. I don't know why do I call it as revenge. Forget about it.

Did something useful, at least I didn't waste my afternoon. Well, judging from the way I arrange my books and the condition of my table and locker, you might think that I'm a not so tidy person, but I have this kind of cranky feeling whenever I see an untidy kitchen. Do I sound normal? Yes, I think. I like a clean kitchen. And it's sad to say that ours in Akasia isn't so clean. (I hope my housemates won't read this). So you go figure out of what I've done.

My fingers of my left hand still hurt after last night's awesome jam session. It was my first official acoustic jam in Akasia, so yeah, thank you, studio owner and jam friend. I'm seriously looking forward to more jam sessions in the future. Maybe on a rooftop before I grow older.  Jam friend, if you're reading this right now, do practise your B and G#m and F# chords. Just kidding :D And maybe we can upgrade into something like this before we leave this town:

Yeah, sometimes I'm being too ambitious. But it's something fun to imagine XD

Been doing nothing much today. Planning to finish reading Danny the Champion of the World by today so that I can start reading Enid Blyton's Five Found-Outers. Just want to bring back some old childhood memories during this holiday. Thank you, college library.

Mid Sem break plan: Room mate's books borrowed from college library. (I hope she's not a reader of my blog). XD

Mid Sem break plan: The books that I borrowed from college library.

The irony XD

By the way, college library is the coolest place to escape from everyone and the annoying things around you. I spent almost all of my whole afternoon/evening in the library this week, flipping through pages which made me feel happy of being alone with only books..and..guitar magazines! :D Found this awesome collection of guitar mags, full compilation of the 90's-2000. Old mags, but very fun to flip through.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So yeah, I still have hours left to finish this day. I don't know how fun or bad this week is going to be before classes resume, but till then, I guess all I have to pretend is that...

I have this on my notice board. Some random ad from a mag. Just for self-motivation purposes and to avoid homesickenia.

Recovery

I thought I was recovering.

Not sure whether I'm just sleepy..or maybe I'm tired.

Literally..or figuratively?

I dunno.

My feelings are just like those IELTS Task 1 punya graphs. 

Fluctuating graphs.

Fullstop.

I'm Sorry

I'm sorry, I'm not being me.

Or is it that I'm being me now?

Back in home, whenever I feel annoyed, I will lock myself in my room and not entertain any questions from my sister. I'll just do anything according to what I feel like doing. I won't open my mouth to speak. I choose to be alone and cool down by myself.

..but this is not home.

I feel guilty that I'm treating some people here the way that I treat those who truly know me. When I say "those who truly know me", I mean my sisters. I can always choose to not answer them whenever I feel cranky. They will understand. But the people here? I don't know. They might think that I'm annoyed with them, but that's not the truth sometimes.

I need silence sometimes. I need to be alone sometimes.

Don't get me wrong. I love my friends, I love having them around me, I love the encouragement.

..but I just don't know why I seem to be choosing the people to talk with right now.

I'm really sorry for not smiling back, or not entertaining your questions and jokes. I just feel that I need to take a break. It's not because I'm emo, don't get me wrong. I am happy. I just want to get serious sometimes, because it's fun.

Yes, because it's fun.

Maybe these are the signs and symptoms towards reaching the age 19.

"Acting Cool"

That was the answer that I got as I asked my sister, "Aren't you worried?"

My sister hides feelings very well, everyone in the family knows that.

But soon I realise that I hide my feelings too, just like you, and you, and you do.

I learned a very important lesson a few days ago. The moment I got to know what happened to my dad, I felt so helpless. A thousand possibilities came into my mind, and none of them were positive ones. I guess it's normal that the first thing to do is to cry. I wasn't sad, I was afraid. 

That was the point that I realise how much fear I have, and how friends cannot turn a bad situation into a better one, but they can, at least, help you view things from a brighter side. And it was the time to put my faith completely to God. 

I demanded answers, answers to my questions, and not merely words of "Don't worry", "He will be fine". I never truly got the exact answers to my questions, and I kept on asking via messages and calls. They didn't know how to explain. I wanted to see my dad with my own eyes. But for the past few days, all I did is just pray and continue believing that he's fine. I guess that's why in Psalm 46:10 God said "Be still, and know that I am God!". You can't simply demand answers. Sometimes you just have to be still, wait, and continue believing.

I've been talking about expressing feelings all these while, and that night I came to realise I hide mine too. Sharing your worries is good, but sometimes there are things that you keep to yourself...you're fears, your anger. Sometimes you hide it so that your loved ones won't be worried of you, because it's not how it's supposed to be like..

I was frustrated that I'm miles away from home, feeling so helpless that I couldn't do anything much.

I couldn't tell my mum.

But God is good, all the time. No matter how bad I feel about myself in this situation, He put songs into my heart. As I was about to drift away in my emotions this morning, the song in my phone reminded me to smile.

"God you are so, so good

There is just none like you

You make me sing

Out loud for joy

Lord I’m so grateful"

-Always Good, Acts Church.

But tears rolled down my cheeks anyway. I wasn't sad, I was grateful that He's been protecting my dad, He gave me a second chance, He showed to me that I have friends who've been praying. Although now I feel a bit worried about the future, I think rather than focusing on the things ahead of me, it's better that I continue to put my trust in Him for He knows the best.

I seriously don't know what would happen if I didn't have anyone around me that day.

I still feel like going back home.

But it's ok.....

Warzone

I don't always get to be in pictures that seem to freeze time, but when I do...

...I make sure I look epic, as if I'm in a warzone, battling for my life.