"Acting Cool"

That was the answer that I got as I asked my sister, "Aren't you worried?"

My sister hides feelings very well, everyone in the family knows that.

But soon I realise that I hide my feelings too, just like you, and you, and you do.

I learned a very important lesson a few days ago. The moment I got to know what happened to my dad, I felt so helpless. A thousand possibilities came into my mind, and none of them were positive ones. I guess it's normal that the first thing to do is to cry. I wasn't sad, I was afraid. 

That was the point that I realise how much fear I have, and how friends cannot turn a bad situation into a better one, but they can, at least, help you view things from a brighter side. And it was the time to put my faith completely to God. 

I demanded answers, answers to my questions, and not merely words of "Don't worry", "He will be fine". I never truly got the exact answers to my questions, and I kept on asking via messages and calls. They didn't know how to explain. I wanted to see my dad with my own eyes. But for the past few days, all I did is just pray and continue believing that he's fine. I guess that's why in Psalm 46:10 God said "Be still, and know that I am God!". You can't simply demand answers. Sometimes you just have to be still, wait, and continue believing.

I've been talking about expressing feelings all these while, and that night I came to realise I hide mine too. Sharing your worries is good, but sometimes there are things that you keep to yourself...you're fears, your anger. Sometimes you hide it so that your loved ones won't be worried of you, because it's not how it's supposed to be like..

I was frustrated that I'm miles away from home, feeling so helpless that I couldn't do anything much.

I couldn't tell my mum.

But God is good, all the time. No matter how bad I feel about myself in this situation, He put songs into my heart. As I was about to drift away in my emotions this morning, the song in my phone reminded me to smile.

"God you are so, so good

There is just none like you

You make me sing

Out loud for joy

Lord I’m so grateful"

-Always Good, Acts Church.

But tears rolled down my cheeks anyway. I wasn't sad, I was grateful that He's been protecting my dad, He gave me a second chance, He showed to me that I have friends who've been praying. Although now I feel a bit worried about the future, I think rather than focusing on the things ahead of me, it's better that I continue to put my trust in Him for He knows the best.

I seriously don't know what would happen if I didn't have anyone around me that day.

I still feel like going back home.

But it's ok.....