Epilogue

I think I have lost the interest to blog. It might be a seasonal feeling, y'know..the kind of fake assumption you make about yourself. But it's been like two months or so since I felt so weird. Blogging used to be fun and easy. Expressing thoughts and feelings used to be very easy. Whining used to be so natural, so easy.

Now it's getting hard. You have no idea on how often I log in, type a few sentences, erase them, and log out again.

I no longer feel the need to share stories. I've stopped writing on my journal. I'm afraid I have lost some part of me. The only thing that makes me very sure that I still love writing is that I am reading more than I write these days. And I listen to songs more than I play the guitar and compose lyrics. 

I'm certainly not shutting down this blog (it's like killing a five year old toddler..) but I guess I kind of like being this way. 

Now that (I assume) all of my friends have known what had happened to me, I feel so light, I could even float in the clouds. I even said jokingly to my ex-housemate that "Hiding a failure is like hiding a pregnancy. The longer you wait, the bigger it gets. And telling people that you've failed is like coming out of the closet, announcing that you're gay."

I nearly posted that after my emo announcement, but I guess it was too weird to be funny right after you're emo. 

2013 is nearly ending, I don't know whether I'm posting anything again before the new year, but yeah, hey, happy new year to you. I have some new stories like how it's raining heavily 24/7 here, and how I've become some sort of a Katy Perry fan, and how awesome is A Study in Scarlet, but I guess I don't feel so good when I try to blog about these little things like before. Uh.

Introducing Ricardo

Ricardo visited my room one late rainy afternoon. 

Like an old friend, he gave me a smile on my face, he told me that I still have a purpose to live.

He reminded me the days when I was a kid, in kindergarten, dipping my paintbrush almost everyday in drops of happy colours, proud and happy of every stroke I made with the brush, no matter how the paintings end up to be like. 

I may not be really good in everything that I attempt. I am a Jack of all trades, but who cares. Ricardo doesn't care, because he arrived on the day I stopped thinking whether I'm good or bad.

Ricardo was previously a sergeant.

Ricardo is tired of making decisions. His frontal lobe is all blue. He has no mouth to speak. He only has some camouflage face paint below his eyes, nothing else. Just eyes, a helmet and a whole load of colours.

I love Ricardo. I don't care if he's not an interesting subject to be drawn and painted. I only know that Ricardo's Frontal Lobe can be abbreviated to RiFLe, his face can one day become a good album cover art for my imaginary music album, and Ricardo's Frontal Lobe sounds like a good indie band name (RiFLe sounds more like rock or metal).

I might be inviting Augusto or Fabiano or Stefano after this.

Lucky One

Things Could Have Been Worse...

Things could have been worse..

Why am I fixing my eyes on a starless sky?

I wish some things were left unsaid, for every passing moment, there isn't a thing that I wished had never crossed my ever-changing mind.

I guess in the textbook of life, harder lessons come with a price of shame and guilt. 

Being 20 is hard, but perhaps being able to live till 20 is enough to be thankful for. It's like, uh, being Fee is hard, but being able to be Fee is enough to be thankful for.

*

Thank you, lyricist, original singer, this random singer/contestant, the orchestra, the kid singing the intro, this random TV show, the person who made this awesome arrangement which sounds twice as powerful and emotional as the original version, whatever event which caused the existence of this song, and thank you, uploader and English subber of this video.

R.Kelly's I Believe I Can Fly is a nice song.

But this one is an awesome one.

It's wonderful that songs sometimes speak the words we always wanted to yell out. It proves that lyrics, if written beautifully and with a purpose, can bring out the most complex form of human emotion.

Sherlocked

My first fingerstyle cover. This one took me about three weeks of practice (Yeah I'm slow..) and I didn't learn it seriously in the first week. Recording over and over again is frustrating, so I decided to just go with this one. It's not perfectly played (yet), although I've been practising everyday. Heh.

Singing is Hard

I wish I have a bunch of people who could help me to sing my songs. Y'know, like a band or something, with all the drummer and bassist and solo guitarist and keyboardist. Then I can sit back a little and just write lyrics. Ah, did I forget to mention a singer? Yep, that one too. So I can just become some second rhythm guitarist or sit behind the scenes, like a band manager or something. But I don't think band managers do write lyrics.

Anyway, I'm back here because as usual, I'm announcing that I wrote a song. I know I write crappy songs but maybe it's better to write crappy songs compared to not having the courage to pick up a pencil and write crappy songs in the first place. The best thing that could happen is someone may have your song ringing in their head, or your songs will be always there to be listened to even after you lose your skills (or your life) and the worst, well, maybe you'll be like Rebecca Black, but boy, that's not that bad at all. Man, I love babbling.

My junior once told me I have a weird accent. Hahah. I have to agree with her.

Anyway, this song is a dedication song (a.k.a a friendship song I guess), written after a friend (Hi friendddd!) challenged me to write a song. And also after I packed all my college stuff (like notes of encouragements and all those stuff that makes me emo) into a shoebox and promised to myself that I'll cherish those memories and not cling to them like what I've always been doing before.

(Don't) Open the Box

LYRICS

[Verse 1]

Don't open the box

of the memories you stored,

don't let the stories be retold.

Take down the frame 

from your tallest wall of joy,

nothing's ever gonna be the same.

[Pre-chorus 1]

And the cobwebs surround you,

wrapping around you,

screaming, forget everything,

forget everything.

But you know 

that the chords that we strummed

will ring in our ears,

will ring in our ears forever.

[Chorus]

(And) one day you're gonna open the box,

you're gonna pick up that frame,

you're gonna smile at your smile

in the pictures with them.

You're gonna say to yourself

although we're miles away

and we can't get back to that day,

Oh the friendship will forever stay

in this heart of mine.

(I had a wonderful time with them,

in this heart of mine).

(And the friendship will forever stay

in this heart of mine).

[Verse 2]

Brush off the dirt 

stuck on your shoes 

as you're dragging your feet to move out.

Wipe every dust stuck on your spectacles,

blurring your eyes from

what's ahead.

[Pre-chorus 2]

And the dark clouds surround you,

pouring drops of emptiness,

screaming,

"Forget everything."

But you know that the jokes that we shared

are gonna linger forever,

forever,

in the air.

[Repeat chorus]

It's named Don't Open the Box with that bracket because, uh, (trying to be philosophical..), you can see it as a) Don't open the box or b) Open the box. My songs always start with something negative, then something happy. I do it the Fee style. Hahah.

And I was trying to imitate one of my favourite Thai music videos about the "No studio, no skills, no problem" part, so yeah, bear with me.

I'm currently away from social media except blog and YouTube, and I'm not sharing this anywhere else, so I'm away from the privilege of curious clicks. I hope friends who stumbled upon this will be able to receive my appreciation conveyed through the lyrics, so yeah, thanks for the friendship.

Completed at 5am, 27th Oct. 2013, played in the key of C, recorded at 1am, 1st Nov. 2013 after 10 continuous attempts. 

Did I tell you singing low is as hard as singing high? Or maybe I should say I don't have a girl voice or a guy voice. I have a voice and an accent with no identities. Goodness gracious. 

Happy Ending

I have never, I repeat, never felt so attached to a drama, let alone a Korean drama. 

A week after I gave up on my dream, Good Doctor started airing on TV. I never watched any medical dramas. Or Korean dramas. I mean yeah, I watched Korean dramas before when I was 9 or 10, and not after every teen in this country started to go crazy about them.

The final episode was aired just now, and thinking about how this drama greatly distracted me from my self-pity makes me feel so sad that after this there'll be no more fan-girl screaming and hand-flapping and awwwws and ahhhhs in front of the TV. It's like finishing a good book, and smiling alone on how the storyline and characters impacted you. 

But of course it wasn't only because of Joo Sang Wook's character. The irony is after I told the whole world I have no heart to finish what I started but to start anew, Good Doctor reminded me again and again about my unfinished journey. Two former classmates who (previously) were in the same boat as me had recently continued walking in the paths of their dreams, holding on tightly (and independently) to what they started in the first place, unlike me. Another friend pursued his lifelong passion in Computer Science. (And I'm here, counting Honey Stars).

And I'm like, "My goodness, this drama understands me."
(Credits to DramaFever for the subs and KBS for err..the scene? And to me, of course, 
who painstakingly screen-captured these). No copyright infringement is intended.

In the final episode (unrelated to the photo above, to you folks who missed this drama), it's just remarkable to see Kim Dohan treating Park Shion like a real big bro. This drama is the best I've watched, just because of the message of letting go, forgiveness, love, second chances, and so many more I think if I list them all up I would sound so sickeningly immature, trying to act philosophical. 

So that's how a Korean drama impacted my life this August - October 2013.

Keep calm, dream again, plan B always works. ;)

Detach

Letting go gracefully of something not meant for you requires great courage. And like all things in life, everything is temporary. 

I always treasure the value of silence.

It heals the biggest wounds, it allows the presence of a new outlook.

I'm back. And I'm gonna be lame like always, 'cause this is one oh-look-I'm-turning-wiser attempt kind of blog entry, so please don't be fooled.

But man, not giving a single poop to what's happening to the world and what you think you know is such a great feeling.

But of course I miss my friends like crazy. Remember the days before Facebook? I think those were the days when we genuinely miss our friends and cherish what we experienced together.

Cherish, not cling.

I can't believe I'm back to my lame philosophical mood. Let's celebrate with me. 

And ah I decided to hide my poem since I sent it to a publisher. (Haha?)

Sometimes I wonder why can I still have this funny part in me. As in the mood to be funny. 

Then I wonder,

why fret?

Play guitar while you still have fingers (and hands), read books while you still can read, sleep like crazy while you still have no chronic insomnia, smile and grin while you still have a/an (almost) complete set of teeth.

Gosh Fee, just stop whining and start living.

I shouldn't have worried so much about myself in the first place.

You know what does a short pause in life teach you?

It allows you to see two things:

Things that matter,

and things that don't. 

(I stole that from some random song lyrics yeah sorry).

Goodbye lovely readers. Don't worry I didn't take MDMA. I did take paracetamol though, 'cause this fever /flu/soar sore throat is killing me yeaaawww. (Or should I be saying awww yeaaa?)

Happiness is a choice.

Choose happiness. 

(I stole that from some random movie script yeah sorry).

And last but not least, teka-teki of the month:

What is Fee's biggest lie?

"I'll never like Korean dramas/actors/songs."

You guessed it. All my marvellous medic friends should watch Good Doctor (and fall in love with Joo Sang Wook).

I haven't been fan-girl screaming for so long.

Next post will make more sense, I promise. Bye.

Midnight Musings #3

It rains everyday here.

Nights are extremely cold. Every morning I wake up seeing that sunshine through my window. Then in a short while, dark clouds appear, raindrops follow, and occasionally, I hear thunder.

Just like my life.

Sometimes I wake up feeling nothing, no sense of excitement I used to have. In this stage of life, nothing seems to amuse me anymore. I anticipate for nothing, for I know sometimes anticipation will only bring disappointment. And I appreciate the fact that I feel nothing, rather than feeling that occasional tinge of regret that makes me feel tired of living for nothing.

Some nights I would stare at the ceiling, and ask myself, why did I let that three hundred thousand bucks and a once in a lifetime opportunity slip away from my hands.

Then I ask myself again, perhaps it wasn't in my hands in the first place.

To be 20 years old and not having to discover the purpose of life is something I can't stand going through. I was once ambitious, constantly aiming for goals I never imagined I could achieve. Yet, until now, I'm afraid I don't quite know my identity any longer.

Part of me is happy that this stage of my life will mean that I'll accept more criticism than expectation, after all the years of gaining confidence through academics. Yes, I admit, in the past, I never saw any worth in me apart from my academic abilities. But when that only source of confidence was taken away from me, I begin to see how harmful it was to place my price and pride on something so temporary, so uncertain.

Nonetheless, life still goes on no matter what, no matter how huge the resentment I carry inside of me towards a few people who were once there in the picture, no matter how bitter it is to forget something I can't forget, for it has shaped me into the person I am today. After all the calculations, yes, I am going to graduate perhaps a year or two later than my peers, yes, I am not going to pursue the career I once dreamt of, and yes, I wasted the chance to live in a country so foreign, a place which would be impossible for me to stay in if not through this one and only chance.

But the things I get in turn?

I'll be spending most of my twenties at home, with my parents. I'll (probably) enrol in a university to study a course which will give me enough time to decide about my future career. I'll meet new lecturers and friends (and people who won't like me) along the way. I'll perhaps do better in my studies compared to what I've been achieving in the past two years. I'll learn how to manage stress well based on my experience in the past. And if it's God's will, I can maybe restore my ambition of studying abroad, this time, perhaps in a special place I've been keeping in my heart all these while.

I taste disappointment, I feel anger. I hate some people as much as I love some. And in the midst of disappointment, I've learnt one important lesson, prayers are not always answered in an instance. Sometimes we'll have to endure something we thought we could never handle. Most of the time, it involves patience. And as cliché as it sounds, everything happens for a reason.

What happened at this stage, I may not know what blessing it may bring, but I am sure there is at least a significant one, perhaps overlooked, or perhaps not clearly seen yet.

"Fall seven times and stand up eight."

My life in INTEC was, after all, a finished attempt. At least I can tell myself one day that I've tried, I've walked that path till the end. The end was unpleasant, but to be very honest, the journey was perhaps the best two years of my teenage years, despite the gruelling days of finding my identity and juggling hopes, responsibilities and faith. I have yet to find the full answers to my questions, for it is perhaps an unending quest. But one thing's for sure, I am not quitting anytime soon.

Universal Tank

I need to occasionally post something happy, y'know..

Vain

Apart from the fact that I'm blogging almost everyday now, well, I'm not quite sure on how to end this sentence.

My mind is replaying a lot of old conversations.

Like how a friend said that she always believed that my purpose in life isn't medicine, but something else. It makes me wonder sometimes, is it because of my level of intellect, or is it because of my character.

And another friend said she can see that actually I have a deep love in language and literature or more precisely I think writing philosophical depressing crap. I made up the last part of the sentence. Actually that friend of mine is correct. I do love writing and rhyming up stuffs and reading poems and narrating stories in my mind before going to bed.

But of course there's like..a million more people with that same interest. And I have no exceptional skills, so that doesn't give me any advantage.

Or perhaps a lot of people already know my passion for guitar. But passion alone won't bring you so far in the real world. I ain't no Sungha Jung.

The thing is, no one knows that actually I have a deep interest in Thai history. 

I used to carry my sister's History of South East Asia Form Six book to school, to be read while waiting for evening session classes to start. 

Sometimes I wonder should I just give up on my dreams of pursuing Science, or should I do so..

..because I love Biology, even when it actually never really loved me back.

I equally love History and Biology.

Apart from that, I also love thinking about myself and my future when I brush my teeth.

Vain.

I mean, whenever I brush my teeth, or sit too long in front of a laptop, it's these kind of crap that attacks my brain. 

Sometimes I wonder why I love thinking so much, which is, well, unnecessary.

*

Forgotten Dreams

Forgotten Dreams
For the things and people we forget, or try to forget.

Lots of photos, lots of questions
Unresolved doubts and appreciation
Let's not let goodbye be the final word
'Cause some things remain unheard

Resentment, anger, promises, tears
are these the only things we've been learning for years?
That morning the fog swallowed an innocent dream
A hope long gone, swept down the stream

Can you see a new beginning?
When the wind sweeps away an ending,
an ending too difficult to comprehend?

Will you see a new beginning?
Even when the rain is pouring,
holding you back to where you used to stand?

In this journey of forgotten dreams
We will be able to laugh, or will we scream?
I'll let you seep away all the tears
and all the stories we'll be hiding for years


FeeA, 
August 2013.

After September

What kind of human being forgets that after September..

...actually comes October, and not November?

I woke up this morning only to realise the fact that for many weeks, my brain has been telling me that next month will be November.

Rain

Just one day after receiving a phone call from my Ethics lecturer (yes..I thought I needed to point out the fact that she's a she, and she taught me in my second semester, in a combined class, and she remembered me for I-don't-know-why, because she never really ever crossed my mind), I'm in this depths of agony once again despite the clear reminder of not to give up at this early stage.

I mean, man, what kind of human being can wait in silence without having the slightest idea on when a news is going to finally break, and whether that news will be good, or not as imagined. 

I seriously learnt to become patient during the past two years. I mean the waiting kind of patient. Literally, not metaphorically. Like waiting for food, or in a bank, or in a post office, or airport. Waiting for something that you can see is of course a thousand times easier than waiting for an abstract thing, a thing that will determine your future, and you don't even know what's going on in the other side of the story, the side that can't be seen, the side where you actually can't do anything else but wait.

Rain, rain, go away, come again another day.

Or just please don't ever come again in my life.

Sand Grain

Just when I thought I was merely a sand grain in intec, a phone call this afternoon made me rethink that perhaps my existence did carry a meaning and I wasn't just a face in the crowd.

"I saw your name in the list of those who didn't make it. How are you doing right now?"

When a lecturer remembers you despite your failures, and tells you to not give up, man, at that instant I feel like running to university and work twice as hard as I did.

Life goes on...

...and the anxious wait still goes on.

Dear Brain

Dear brain, what happened to you?

Nowadays I find myself having weird thoughts. Not weird thoughts like dressing in black and starting a stabbing spree. Or imagining flying colourful cats and things similar to that.

It's more like having the thoughts I never really focused on before this.

I sit in the car and see guys in scruffy jeans and faded t-shirts and wonder if they're walking along that grassy area by the street filled with a lot of regrets in their minds, or are they happy enough to be able to live.

I go to the supermarket and see women in their 30s working as cashiers and I wonder how lovely it is to live by doing a job that makes you contented and happy enough.

I sit in church and wonder at that moment, hundreds of kids across the world are being bombed, or die of hunger, or don't even have a roof above their heads.

I wonder how is it really like, to live in the streets in/on cardboard boxes.

I hear my cat meowing, asking for food, and I wonder how does it feel like to be a hungry cat.

I sit in my bedroom, typing this out, listening to the raindrops and watch it subside, and start to wonder that this is perhaps the second time in four or five months I live to see a rainy Sunday morning.

I re-evaluated my thoughts, and only managed to get one good thing out of it. Perhaps life is too short to be filled with regrets. 

And I wonder, perhaps I'm too free, or perhaps my brain is no longer normal like how it used to be..

From Me, to All of You

This song still brings tears to my eyes. I hate goodbyes. Because all my life, I never had friends who grew up together with me, still walking hand-in-hand in every stage of my life. It was always distance that grew us apart.

Tomorrow my UCD friends will be leaving. Then those to Ukrida. Then Manipal. Then RCSI. 

But no matter what, I tell myself that perhaps this is a blessing in disguise. It will take time for me to stop thinking that we're scattered all over the globe, and above all, this song really tells what my heart has to say to each of them, who made my past two years a time worth remembering.

วันวานวันที่แสนเหนื่อย เรานั่นเคยทุกข์ทนด้วยกัน 

Wan waan wan tee saen neuay Rao nan keui took ton duay gan. 

Yesterdays…were extremely tiring days. We had endured hardship together. 

มีน้ำตาและมีรอยยิ้มเดียวกัน 

Mee nam data lae mee roy yim dieow gan 

There were tears and also smiles. 

เราเคยกอดคอร้องไห้ มีมากมายที่เราพลาดไป 

Rao keui got ko rong-hai Mee maak maai tee rao plaad bpai 

We have cried on each others’ shoulders. There were a lot of mistakes that we’ve made. 

อยากตามฝันแต่ไม่รู้ว่าอยู่ตรงไหน 

Yaak dtaam fan dtae mai roo waa yoo dtrong nai 

We desire to follow our dreams, but we don’t know where they are. 

*แต่ใจเรารู้ ว่าเราเกิดมาเพื่อลำบาก 

Dtae jai rao roo Waa rao gert maa puea lam-baak 

But in our hearts, we know that we were born into hardship. 

อยากเป็นดั่งฝันต้องสู้ไป 

Yaak bpen dang fan dtong su pai 

If we want to live out our dreams, we must fight on. 

จากกันวันนี้ ขอให้เราเป็นเหมือนดังเก่า 

Jaak gan wan nee Kor hai rao bpen meuan dang gao 

If we separate today, please let us be the same like in the past. 

เก็บความฝันเราเก็บเอาไว้ 

Gep kwaam fan rao gep ao wai 

Keep our dreams, don’t lose them. 

**โชคดี เพื่อนคงจะเจอ ทุกสิ่งที่ดี ที่เคยฝันไว้ 

Choke dee, peuan kong ja jer took sing tee dee, tee keui fan wai 

Good luck my friend, may you meet everything good which you’ve dreamt of. 

จะไม่ลืม วันนี้ไปจนวันตาย แล้วเจอกันใหม่ เพื่อนเอย 

Ja mai leum wan nee bpai jon wan dtaai Laew jer gan maai peuan eui 

I’ll never forget this day until the day I die. Till we meet again, my friend. 

โชคดีเพื่อนคงจะเจอ ทุกสิ่งที่ดี ที่เคยฝันไว้ 

Choke dee, peuan kong ja jer took sing tee dee, tee keui fan wai 

Good luck my friend, may you meet everything good which you’ve dreamt of. 

จะไม่ลืมวันนี้ไปจนวันตาย แล้วเจอกันใหม่เพื่อนเอย (เพื่อนเอย.....) 

Ja mai leum wan nee bpai jon wan dtaai Laew jer gan maai peuan eui (Peuan eui..) 

I’ll never forget this day until the day I die. Till we meet again, my friend. (My friend…) 

วันวานหากยอมแพ้พ่าย ความหวังเราก็คงสิ้นไป 

Wan waan hahk yorm pae paai Kwahm wang rao gor kong sin bpai 

Yesterday, if we gave up, our hopes might end as well. 

หมดความหวังและชีวิตคงหมดความหมาย

Moht kwahm wang, lae cheewit kong moht kwahm maai 

Without hope, our lives would become meaningless. 

 ______________________________ 

Back in a few years ago, I thought I could dedicate this to my friends in high school. But now, I realise we never really had extremely tiring days. We never endured hardship together. We never cried on each others' shoulders. 

So this one, this time, I dedicate to you guys who have allowed me to cry on your shoulders for so many times.

McMemories

I went to McD this afternoon. For the second time after the life-changing day.

The first time I went, I ordered a sundae cone. I thought it would make me happy.

I didn't even eat my Big Mac, not until the next day.

Just now, yeah, I finished eating everything. But I struggled to do so. The feeling was weird.

Many months ago, my McD moments were equated with my lazy Saturday noons. My days of avoiding fried rice. Days when I simply wanted to make myself happy.

The Big Mac reminded me of my housemate Queen, and the joke we had about never ordering a Big Mac when going for a date, because it's hard to finish up in a neat and proper manner.

The strawberry-flavoured sundae reminded me of Suan and her funny remarks on how the colour resembles something I'm not supposed to type out here. (Teehee!)

The chocolate-flavoured sundae reminded me of Yi Xue and Fern who treated me with it when I was so down. I had a sore throat the next day.

The McFlurry reminded me of Cindy who told us it's her best cure for sadness. I found her statement to be very true.

The Sundae cone reminded me of Sharon, who rejoices on the fact that it's RM1.05, yet it's like the best comfort food for a college student. 

And it also reminded me of Suan and Marc, the day we went to a McD Drive-Thru in Shah Alam during study leave, and I had the tallest sundae cone I ever had in my entire life, sitting in the backseat, enjoying the fact that Marc changes the radio station almost every quarter-minute.

The breakfast sets will forever remind me of all three of my housemates in A8/202, because of our tradition of ending each semester with a 'final breakfast outing' together at McD.

Of course, those were not all the memories I had there. Birthdays, having meals in large groups, buying a happy meal just to get the toy, watching the random tv shows on tv, taking massive amount of packets of creamer to bring back to my hostel room, noticing friends dating at the opposite KFC, using the wifi just to upload pictures on facebook after A-Levels, well, those things became less and less significant when less friends were part of the memory.

I left Section 18 months ago. And many are leaving this country soon. It's hard to think of sometimes, knowing that I'll be stuck here for another few years, or perhaps till the end of my life. But I know it's all these memories which had shaped me for who I am today, and sustained me through the days I never thought could come. But till I meet again with these people (and those whom I didn't mention, OF COURSE I LOVE YOU TOOOO, just that I can't associate everyone with my McMemories), I guess I just have to move forward with my life, and continue making new friends, which is, to me, such a pain in the nerves because ironically, I hate making new friends.

McD should make an essay-writing competition about McMemories. I'd probably get the first place. :P

Fee Reads...(#3)

Have a Little Faith by Mitch Albom

I just finished reading this yesterday. Gave it a 5 star because I'm a bit in my Feelosophical mood, and I think the timing was perfect for me to read such a book.

This book is quotable in almost every page, no kidding.

And I guess in the end, I came up with one thought I had almost forgotten.

To take pride in humility is not humility after all. We're all humans. We get proud in some point of our lives. But when we take pride on our 'humility', and intertwine that with our faith, how different are we from those whom we say are faithless?

It was never about who's better and who has a stronger faith, and it will never be.

We Should Stop

Disclaimer: It's not my brain which is writing this, it's my heart. So if you find it foolish, don't get mad.

We should stop.

What about those who died? What about those who failed? What about those who went broke?

We should stop.

Why are our testimonies too focused on happiness, as if pain and suffering are only experiences gone through by those who are unfaithful, unloved, missing out the blessings from God?

We should stop.

And what saddens me the most.

We should stop. We should stop saying that because we did this good thing, we received this good thing. Because we spent our time doing this good thing, God granted us this good thing. When a testimony focuses on what we did instead of what His blessings are, does that mean that God's love and grace for us can be won by our works?

There are many things in this world that we work hard for. Grades, status, money. I accept that fact. Because it's true. But God's love and blessings?

We should stop. Just stop it. 

It was never about what we do in the first place. 

This Movie

I think my favourite movie of all time is Dead Poets Society now.

Nice to Know You

I somehow managed to shut down that annoying part of my brain for one day, which is quite a huge relief after one week of pain in the brain.

I don't know how to explain this and why should I, but I kind of realise that all this shit that has happened is

1) happening because of my own attitude

2) not that shitty if viewed in another perspective

3) embarrassing, but makes me reflect more on myself and how I treated others for the past years

I think my tendency of overthinking and letting the world know what I feel has been the major problem and the beginning to the massive growth of my self-pity and feeling of worthlessness. I mean..before college I never felt the need to open up to too many people because I just couldn't trust people. However these days I find myself answering to the "How are you?" questions with such unnecessary elaborations, and it makes me focus of me me me and my feelings, which is, to be honest, very sickening. 

I never knew the word "self-conscious" existed before college. But all my life, I think I've been focusing too much to please others, to hope for people to accept me, to be likeable, and yeah, to be number one. I always fear people laughing at me. Or people thinking that I'm doing things I'm not supposed to do. I guess for 20 years of my life, I haven't been living my life, but living to meet up to other people's expectations. And I'm tired of it.

I wish I never had to go through that period of my life where I developed that attitude. And that, in the end, seems to mean the same thing as "I wish I was a different person"...

Putting aside anger, shame and guilt, and trying to stop comparing myself with others, I actually see that this abrupt change in my life is something good. I always had the difficulty to include God in my sentences (I still do). I mean I hate appearing to be fake. But this time I think although I haven't been really living up to His standards, the door that's been closed carries a message He wants me to find out, and I guess I'm on my way. I actually thank God for having Him in my life, because I'd be long gone by now especially when I follow my emotions too much. I that emotional part that's embedded inside of me kinds of diminishes when I remind myself that God knows what's He's doing. 

If there's one thing that I'm concerned of...I'm actually afraid that after all these hardship, is it still happening because I couldn't grasp the meaning and importance of all that had happened? Is it repeating because I refuse to change my attitude? Is it following me throughout the years, simply because I failed to grow from each situation?

People say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. They say I'll grow stronger from this. I'm really not sure of this, because I don't see any changes in my attitude. I wish I never had to rely on friends to make me feel better. I wish I never had to expose my weaknesses to a lot of people. I wish that stronger meant that I'd be matured enough to wait and pray in silence. I wish it meant I never had to blog about my feelings, like I've been doing too excessively throughout my college days.

All I see is that I've grown bitter, not stronger. And I don't want that to continue. If this trial means that I'll have a brand new chance to start afresh, I'm actually hoping to see that day when I can tell myself I'm matured enough to take things positively. That's the word.

Talking about positive-thinking, I think I have a few good things to list down:

1. INTEC taught me the value of trust and friendship and the importance of not judging others.
2. I lived through many days crying on my pillow and learning to face life's challenges.
3. I learnt that there'll be a point in life where you'll fall, or fall hard, but you just gotta keep breathing.
4. I appreciated the fact that God gave me a chance in life to learn and play guitar.
5. This current pause in my life gives me the time to think on what I really want to do in my life.
6. Campus Alive was actually the best thing that ever happened to me throughout my teen years.
7. I met the most incredible group of people I ever met so far.
8. Akasia was the best hostel I've ever been in so far.
9. I actually finished my marathon without quitting halfway through.
10. The ending to this chapter is not so nice, but my life is not ending here after all..

If this event can change me into a new person, I'm actually looking forward to do far better than I can ever imagine. And I really do hope that it'll mean I'll learn to trust God more instead of blaming and complaining. And I hate to sound too positive..coz I've been in this cycle..but if being positive means I'm looking forward to continue living, I guess that's what I should be doing.

On a lighter (but totally unrelated) note..I'm amused by a reader who keeps on coming to this blog by searching my blog name instead of the URL. I mean..I thought thespeechlessdustbin was catchy enough to remember compared to Endure in Silence? ;)

Level 65

For the first time this week, I screamed yearghhh with all my heart.

I finally reached a new checkpoint, level 65 on AstroPop Deluxe after I think five weeks and numerous failed attempts.

Achieving something when you keep on failing is such a great feeling. 

And the only reason I achieved level 65 is because I didn't stop trying. I failed. And failed. And failed. But I told myself there must be a day I can reach that new checkpoint.

It's about time I do the same to my life. I still don't feel like eating or doing anything. I still feel I'm better off dead sometimes. But if I give up now, I won't be able to see that new checkpoint, that level 65.

Life is not easy. Staying alive is not easy. But for some reason, giving up on living is not easy too.

Positive

Story of my life summarised into eight screenshots from My Boss My Hero.

Stages of Depression

Have you heard of the song Six Degress of Separation? It goes like "First, you think the worst is a broken heart, whats gonna kill you is the second part, and the third, is when your world splits down the middle", and it goes on describing forth, fifth, then sixth..

I think depression has many stages, many funny ones if you ask me. It's like you're sad but you can be happy for a while. No wonder in anime sometimes they can make it so depressing then put some funny short moments in between.

Yesterday when I posted my update, I was already okay. You know, like really okay. But then the funny cycle repeats itself up until now, and is still ongoing.

Here's a brief summary of the stages:

1. Goes to bed. Can't sleep. Play some depressing music. Cry like crazy, feel like shouting and swallowing 100 paracetamol tablets.

2. Let's listen to some gospel music. No, not "There is None Like You", too many good memories with that one.

3. Falls asleep feeling so thirsty but "F it, I don't mind falling sick. If that could kill me then it's better to fall sick."

4. Wakes up at 8. "Shit, too early, let's pretend to sleep."

5. Finally gets up a few hours later. Got busy for the whole evening. Wash car. Do some light kitchen work.

6. Bathe and think about life, saying "F it, what have I done to my life?"

7. Then "Come on, I need to know some important updates on Facebook."

8. Scrolls to infinity and get sad seeing all the happy updates. Scream inside, "I HATE YOUUUU" to everyone, including friends. Unlike a few pages which used to be liked. Decides to cut ties PERMANENTLY with those who don't give a damn about me when I'm horribly depressed. Curse here, curse there. Starts to question "where is X, where is Y", whine like a bitchy teen, fuming because "Life's unfair" and "Nobody cares."

9. Log in to blog to post this angry update so that the world knows that I hate it so much.

10. Feel messed up. Shit really got serious this time.

11. Dread about tomorrow. 

12. Repeat cycle to infinity.

At this moment, I swear I really hate everyone, including myself.

This is why I hate to see this day coming. I was afraid that I might hate the things and people whom I had good memories with, and it's true. It has become a reality. I hate you, and I'm serious. I hate you.

Today...

Today I want to thank myself for my sense of humour.

For without you, I'd be gone by now..

If you're here to know how am I doing, I can say that I'm doing pretty well. If you're here to laugh at me, I actually don't care why the f would you want to laugh at me when your own future is blurry. If you're here because you're really concerned, I actually want to tell you that I'm amused that sleep and music has stopped from becoming my cure against suicidal thoughts and depression. I mean, heck, why am I not crying right now?

I'm kidding. I actually feel free from the burden I've carried for two years, after long conversations with some friends who as usual, helped me to see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

Despite losing the chance to brag about a miracle that could have happened, I'm actually excited that my future is so unpredictable now, which means I don't have to do anything else but wait.

I feel nuts for experiencing too many emotions in one day...

And to end this crappy post which I will (probably) laugh at in ten years time,

MAN, SHIT JUST GOT SERIOUS! :P

Tomorrow...

There's starting to be a trend on Facebook with so many status updates that reflect how nervous people are now. I find it amusing because those who are posting are the ones who usually do very well in their exams. It made me see a pattern that some people are really confident with the fact that they're going to make it, while some sound as if they'll be in major shock to see the results tomorrow. I can say that 99.9% of those who are posting tonight on Facebook are surely going to make it. No kidding. 

As for me, I'm actually in a bad situation. I don't actually want to know the results tomorrow, because my sister is getting married the next day. I can feel that whatever that's going to happen tomorrow is going to affect my mood entirely. And weddings mean that there are no running away from relatives and family friends. They will go frenzy asking me whether I'm on holiday, when am I going to finish studying, and a thousand more questions I would love to avoid. Not to mention that my soon-to-be bro-in-law's family will be arriving tomorrow and spending their night at our home, which means home won't feel like home tomorrow. I can't be sad and appear emo and angry and cranky. I can't lock myself in my room with the radio on turned up so loud, that no one hears me screaming (lyrics..). No skipping dinner. No I'm-not-answering-you and I-don't-want-to-talk face. Don't get me wrong. I'm just an introvert who doesn't really like the presence of people whom I never met. If I can make it, well it won't be a problem. 

I don't really feel nervous now as I'm doing so many things like watching anime and reading books and listening to music while singing off-key. But it's ironic that tomorrow I'm gambling my emotions. I haven't been crying because of stress for so long. I don't want to, if you ask me. All these thinking gives me a headache..I just ask for one thing. I'm not dreaming for straight As like last time, the night prior to my SPM results. This time I just want to hit that exact target, not lower, not higher. That'll be enough. But thinking back, did I really do my part? Did I really do all that I could? Did I pray hard enough? Did I make God my first, and studies my second? Did I meet all of my lecturers for help? Did I go out of the exam hall without any regrets?

I'm afraid I have to say no to all of those questions. Who am I, an imperfect human being who up until now still haven't been trying hard enough to please my Creator and make the best of what He gave me. 

Tomorrow either way things go, I guess I'll never be the same person again.

That Window

16th March 2013, 7.26pm - 7.29pm.

I created this gif many months ago (photos were taken in March). This was the view from my window back in Akasia. I lived in Block 8, by the roadside and next to the basketball court which separates the block from the petrol station. During exam time I would be annoyed by the high-pitched voice of the songs heard from the petrol station played because of some random mini promos. At night I would enjoy the midnight breeze, and laugh alone sometimes when I hear an annoying customised honk from a car which would pass by quite frequently. My block was never completely quiet, there were sounds of vehicles all the time. I got used to it after some time. I witnessed a lot of things through this window - a minor motorcycle accident, a father yelling harshly to his little boy while walking by, birds flying back to their nests when it's about to rain, cloud movements, lightnings, falling leaves. I really do miss this window a lot. :)

I have a lot of other photos taken at this similar spot in various weathers. I'll see if I have time to make another gif and post it here.

Fee Reads...(#2)

Fee reads about Fi in Talking to the Dead.

It has probably been a month since I finished my last book, so I kind of think that you know my verdict on this one. Man, it was so hard to finish.

Unlike some crime books which I've read in the past, this one is not really a page-turner. I could have just abandoned it but I didn't because I paid 31 bucks for it after planning to buy it for about 4 or 5 months. Like I said, the main character has the same name with me..so I thought it would be interesting.

Well it wasn't that bad, I mean, ohkayyy, cool murder case, cool woman cop, lots of f words..but what annoyed me most is that it was too draggy, I lost my patience to find out who's the killer and what's the story behind the whole killing. And I took the title too literally, I thought the dead victims were kind of going to try to talk to the main character. Only towards the last few pages I understood why the title said so.

I gave an early 3 out of 5 stars throughout the whole time I was reading this, but at page 371 out of 377, I changed my mind. Perhaps 3.5 would be better. I kind of like the ending, how things start to slowly unfold. 

Overall, I'm glad of finishing this one, although to be honest it won't really leave a strong impact/nice thought/unexplainable emotions inside my brain. It was not bad at all, but also not that wow-ing.

*I never learnt how to write proper book reviews, so if you happen to stumble upon this, sorry, I was typing this one out for my own record. :P

...and yayyyyyy! I know 15 is not a lot, but 15 is
realistic enough for now. :D

Writing a Song

Not sure whether it's going to be finished, but I'm in the mood of writing something.

Something that sounds like this:

Lots of photos, lots of questions,

Unresolved doubts, and appreciation.

I'm still unsure of the main thing I'm writing about, and yeah, from those two first lines, it's hard to tell what do I really mean. I was just so bored two nights ago and flipped through the detective book which I'm still struggling to finish. My eyes caught a sentence on one page - "Lots of photos, lots of questions."

I know a song which was written this way. I mean by opening a random book. So I said to myself, okay, let's give it a try. I really do hope I'm finishing this one...

Wrong Words, Right Words

Have you ever been in a situation where you find yourself having a difficult time expressing your thoughts, afraid that you might offend someone you really care about?

A few days back a very good friend of mine lost her mum. And I found it really hard to tell her how much I care. We're miles away, there's no way I can give her a hug, and honestly, words being typed and spoken through the phone are so hard to convey.

I wanted to say "Stay strong", but who am I to tell her to stay strong when I don't know the pain she's going through.

This made me think back of something a friend said to me perhaps a year ago. Sometimes people do care, but they do not know how to react, or say the right words. 

I just hope I didn't become a useless friend. I just hope I said the right words.

This Song

I fell in love with this song. The whole thing - the lyrics, the melody. Been listening for days. If I get to write my next song, I have to admit it will be heavily influenced by this one. Till now, my attempt in writing one has failed. I just don't have any idea on how I should pen down the thoughts that I'm having since I left college. I have so many things to write about, but sadly, I can't make it sound poetic enough. And one important thing, I can never force myself in this thing called songwriting. It has to come naturally, when I'm unaware, it just has to simply come from my heart.

We sat on the ride home,

singing our favourite song,

reading the line on the side of the roads,

it tells me, "You're not alone."

Beautiful

This is next in my wishlist.

I found this when randomly Googling for guitars. This would be a perfect gift for my birthday haha. I admit, my heart never left my birthpace, although sometimes when I think back, there's no way that I can live there once again in this lifetime. Even if I have the chance to go back, I don't think I can, because looking back, my character seemed to be shaped based on my experiences here, and not there. 

But well, daydreaming is sometimes quite fun.

Yo August

I'm writing this down tonight just because I want to reread something I've written on the first of August this year, and so that something on the first of August appears on my blog archive as seen on your left hand side.

Well well well. Time really does fly. I'm getting nearer and nearer to the dreadful date, and there's no way I can prolong the inevitable, other than doing things that do not give me any worries at all, such as watching random movies and trying to finish the detective book which is, apparently, so hard to finish.

One of my friends on Facebook keep on updating the countdown to the day, which of course, reminds me that time is passing by so fast, and all these fun of nothingness will end pretty soon.

In a random story, I've gained 5 kg since the last time I weighed myself, which was probably around one and a half year ago.

I'm starting to behave like typical girls who say they're fat even when in reality, they're not so fat. This, in turn, reminds me of my housemate who says I'm just like those girls whenever I complain to her that I'm fat. I don't know. Ever since turning 20, I begin to have a lot of weird thoughts including being in a relationship and all those stuff.

One thing I also realise is that I no longer enjoy watching action movies, one thing which I really liked since I was 12. Nowadays I cringe when seeing punches being exchanged. And I start to have this weird interest in romantic comedy movies. Or just romantic movies. And think about how my first date will be. And how is the personality of my first boyfriend. Like seriously..I think I'm evolving into an unknown pokemon woman.

Anyway, I told you this is not going to be a good entry at all coz it's just one of those days when I feel like updating something random and silly, so yeah, see you soon in a better blog update.

Infinite

Cycling under the drizzle, singing songs, and having that unexplainable feeling of joy while enjoying the night breeze - I doubt it is something that I can ever experience again. If it is possible, still I don't think it will be the same.

I feel infinite.

I never felt the joy of exploring my own hometown with my friends. Maybe I had, but this must be one of the very few chances I ever took. And it's been a while since I left college, which meant I really missed everyone whom I used to see everyday. It wasn't fun, sitting alone in the bedroom everyday, recalling all the stuffs that I used to do, and how I had friends do to lame stuff together.

I may not be able to recall everything that we've done during the past three days, but one thing's for sure - I will never forget how I felt. I had so many first time experiences, from trying out some unknown food, to doing some crazy and scary things that I would certainly avoid doing if I were not with a bunch of friends, especially the crazy and daring Mak Cik. :P

Narrating stories is not my area of expertise, I'm more of a chessy reflective writer, so this is not going to tell you all of the details on what we've done. But I can list down some of the crazy things I did, some were for the first time:

1. Walking along a rocky area by the sea just to get to the neighbouring beach, and I was so scared I might slip and skin my knees. The only thing I had in mind was Oh if I was with another bunch of friends I would never do this. Ever. And I was pondering if my mum knew what I was doing she won't be happy haha.

2. Learnt how to fully submerge my head under the water (is it even qualified to be called as a dive?) for the first time, after being persuaded that I should learn to overcome my fears. *Coughs* Again, my mum had warned me earlier not to swim, but I did. Haha.

3. Climbed a bridge which had a gate and some pointy spikey stuff at the side of the gate (I was so afraid it might poke me to death, seriously) because it was the only way to return to the previous side of the beach without having to walk along the rocky area. Again, I was seriously scared and was wondering I have broken so many of mum's rules. Hahaha.

4. On the first day we went to Civic Centre (I haven't been there for about ten years) and had to take the lift (I am super scared of going into lifts, man, it's like one of the things I always avoid, except for when I have to go to CA). And this place is the infamous area for you-know-what..tall buildings..eherm..I think you get what I mean. The random chairs along random spots along and near the railings gave me a scary aura of mystery but I shut my mouth and kept my thoughts to myself.

5. Went to the crocodile farm for the first time, something I'll never do with my family because my mum gave me that geli expression when I wanted to show the pictures to her. I completely understand why, coz during my parents childhood they spent a lot of time near rivers. At some places in the farm, we were walking literally above the crocs as we followed the wooden bridges - which made me think what if it breaks and we all fall down.

6. We went to the museum only to find out that it was already closed, so we ended up doing random photoshoots under the scorching sun. I did some jumpshots which gave me the fear of ripping my jeans.

7. We went across the river by boat (not my first time, but still I would avoid it if it wasn't an outing with friends). 

8. We had dinner at Kuching Fest for two consecutive nights, which involved getting through huge crowd of people, lining up for food, choosing tables to sit without having to care about the massive junk on the table (no choice bro..) and mistakenly grabbing that's-not-ours! pair of chopsticks on the table. Had fried ice-cream, fried oreo, fried burger, so many fried stuffs.

9. Took a ride on the scary game, I don't know what is it's exact name, but it falls under the category of ferris wheel, roller coaster, pirate ship kinda thingy. I have a massive fear of falling and the last time I've been to these kind of stuffs is when I was in Primary 3, which was a old rusty ferris wheel and come think of it, I don't even know how did I end up there. Ah, after googling, I found out that what we rode that day was a paratrooper, which is categorised under thrill rides. I sat next to Sharon who kept on holding my hand, reassuring me that it was going to be fun and we would enjoy the scenery from above. I, on the other hand, forced my eyes to be wide open, and had this constant fear that I might get thrown out and die landing in the fields. After everything ended, I was glad I am still alive.

10. We went to two wildlife centres, to see orang utans, which made me realise that they are harmful and I should think of changing my lifelist statement of holding an orang utan to holding a baby orang utan instead. 

11. I had Sunny Hill ice-cream for the first time outside with a bunch of friends. 

12. I went to Bing! for the first time. Seriously. As a Kuchingite, I am embarrassed to admit that.

13. And OH HOW CAN FORGET THE SURREY BIKE! We cycled under the drizzle with some fear of snatch thieves, but oh, it was so fun, as in memorable, because it was about 11pm and we were singing random songs from Hillsong to Westlife as we cycled and yelled Brake! Brake! at intervals. At that moment, I felt infinite (Just like how Charlie felt in The Perks of Being a Wallflower when Patrick drove along the tunnel). Never have I imagined I would have the chance to do so in some part of my life, in my own hometown where I thought I would never find any compatible friends.

14. We met Catherine! After one year of not seeing each other, it was good to say hi and have a brief catch up.

I really felt blessed during the whole thing. It was the best outing I could have asked for. After miserable weeks of loneliness upon leaving college, I was so happy to go out and have fun. And of course I am thankful for Mak Cik's and her family's hospitality (I think I finished their soap...) and indeed sakai for overnighting at a friend's house for the first time in Kuching. 

They're pictures now. But those things happened. Those
things were being felt. They were once real moments :)

It is moments like these which makes me feel like I want to write a song and stick photos on my bedroom wall. 

Babysitting 101

I'm alone with my nephew and he's been crying for one hour. Not the continuous kind of one-hour crying, but the Grammy Awards kind of fake crying whenever I put him down. 

I can't believe I solved the problem by merely playing a happy Thai song on my phone and handed it to him. Thank God for Nokia phones which are built to last. Not that he's throwing it..

but it's full of his saliva now.

Rascal Flatts' song My Wish is playing now..so yeah. Too bad he's too young to comprehend.

What I Really Want to Do with My Life

I don't know.

That's the answer.

There was one period in my life where I found myself dreaming of becoming a professional golfer. Of course, in about one year, my unrealistic dream died after realising that I'll never get the chance to hold a golf club and hit a golf ball.

Then things weren't so complicated back in my schooldays. I studied just to ace the exams, of course, which indirectly would enable me to at least secure my future and widen my choices after high school. It went serious right after that. I remember having a hard time thinking about my future and what I really wanted to do, because to be honest, I'm a person of too many dreams, but on top of that, none of my dreams are clear.

I really worry of waking up one day with regret, not being able to do something which I really have passion in. But the problem is, I'm not sure of what my passion in life is. I know as you're reading this, you'll be asking me then why on earth did I choose this path that I'm on now? Let me throw you one question then. How many 17 year old kids really know what they would like to do for the rest of their life? How many would choose a career that they're really passionate of? The answer is, not many. Now don't get me wrong, because that does not imply that I was forced to choose this path, despite having to live with that accusation for two years. When I did my choice two years ago, I was aware about the challenges I was going to face. I was aware about the consequences. And of course, I was also aware that I couldn't imagine myself to not give a shot at this path, because it is one of my dreams, out of the many dreams that I have.

Now don't get sceptical when I said I gave a shot. 

It was really a mere attempt, to certain degrees. But it wasn't that kind of random 100% blind attempt. It was more like saying, if I can make it, then it's my destiny. If I don't, then perhaps I wasn't qualified in the first place. It was more of a statement to say that if I didn't give a shot in the first place, I would regret more.

When I said that not many 17 year olds are really sure of what they want to do, I am certainly not generalising because I know a few who do. It's those who act as if they know and look down on people who are still not sure which annoys me. When someone doesn't do well, you don't go simply asking them whether they are forced to do what they're doing, and you don't go telling them how sure you are on your path, or how sure you are when you first chose that path. Because unless your driving force is so strong, like one guy who I know, chose medicine because he had a sister who suffered a genetic disease and I can just simply feel his passion in giving care to sick children by reading his blog, chances are, I won't simply believe in what you say.

If you want me to provide a vague answer to the title of this post, well I guess that would be far easier to do.

What I really want to do with my life is something that can make the people around me and myself happy, without having to be in the limelight. I want to live a simple life, in a simple house, grow old with a guy who loves and cares for his wife and kids. I want to get involved in a job that can help make an impact to an individual, without having to make myself a facebook fan page. Ohkay, of course I was partially kidding there. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want to do something big, not the average kind of thing, something different but not too different and radical. I want to be successful, but successful has many definitions, up to an individual, so I won't risk using that word. So being vague about what I want to do is not as easy as I expected it to be...

In the end I know, I can only make choices, but where I end up is not fully in my hands, so I guess thinking too much won't help much, no?