My New Year Resolutions

Laugh if you want to, but I'm still gonna stick to my dreams although sometimes I get so emo. So here's my new year resolutions, well forgive me if sounds like a wishlist.

1. Stay focused on my studies and my goal. Reach cut-off points. Fly.

2. Stop being so emo too often. Keep smiling and be inspired by anything anywhere.

3. Love back those whom I've stopped loving.

Wishlist for 2013:

1. An army cap. 

2. Upgrade and repair my travel guitar.

3. A decent mp3 player.

4. New headphones without any sponges that spoil so easily. :P

5. Able to play blues on the guitar.

6. Jam in a proper studio.

7. A guitar t-shirt.

8. And I know I'm greedy, but still I need to change and start improving my grades and see myself fly.

One more hour. I'm super sleepy.

Some Final Words

Nah, I'm not going anywhere. Just some final words for this year. Which I am glad that it's ending in a few hours. It's been a miserable year. Yet I know I shouldn't be pointing fingers to the year itself. Whatever.

Anyway 'cause everyone's going frenzy updating their status on Facebook about the new year, I decided that maybe some lame writing on this blog would be something memorable to read when I grow older.

Nothing much to talk about 2012 other than saying that it's been a miserable year. Sure there were good times as well - laughters, silly jokes, mad sing-along-aloud sessions. But they were temporary, just like many things in life.

I used to love writing recaps about my school life in a particular year, carefully selecting only the good memories to be written rather longer than the bad ones. Well people change. I guess I'm no longer who I used to be during those days.

I'm going to attempt that anyway. Let me see. Uh the previous new year started not so bad. Had motivation. Thought I could conquer the world. Then it all shattered in just two months. By the time third month came, I was already a zombie. Apparently all the good moments kinda sunk beneath all the misery I had. So I'm lazy to think too much about the past.

I didn't have any resolutions this year. I usually have some in the previous years, and many were fulfilled. I'm a person who tries my best to keep my promises. I don't know if I still have that value in me. For some reason, I guess I'm going to keep some new year resolutions for 2013. Although staying optimistic looks so idiotic sometimes, especially in this stage that I'm in, I guess being idiotically happy when the world is looking at you suspiciously is something better than torturing yourself to meet up to other people's expectation. Anyway I don't know what the heck am I talking about and my mind changes like the weather, so don't take this seriously. In fact nothing I write in this entire blog should be taken seriously.

Forgive me. I'm actually sleepy I could die on my table but somehow I want to stay awake until the clock strikes 12. I don't get the point of doing this, but new year is new year, it's good to feel that I'm looking forward to seeing another brand new day in a brand new year 'cause everyday I've been waking up not feeling anything.

I'll be posting some random gibberish after this to keep me awake. Why suddenly trying to stay awake at night became such a difficult thing to do. Whyyy.

Excited Not

Wobbly knees. Shaky hands.

To be honest I don't have any excitement about this semester. The only reason that I'm here is obviously because I can't run back to where all these began. Well, maybe I'm coming back here with just one hope.

One day if this path isn't meant for me, I just want to be able to look back and say at least I tried, at least I've been through all that I've never imagined before. At least I can remember that for once I did follow my dreams.

I cannot choose the life I was born into. But with courage, I go to the end.

Gah

Less than two days left for me to have my own space and silence in this bedroom.

Had a 5-hour journey on the road today, after less than a week of appreciating the country breeze. If you think that being in a 5-hour drive won't change a single bit of you, you're probably wrong. Made me think about life a bit. Like how can the same person say that life sucks but then get afraid of dying on the road. Doesn't make sense, right? Sometimes what we think are not really what we would love to see happen.

When I'm older and finally getting a driving license of my own, I would love to do something that maybe no one ever bothered of thinking.

Just like how I imagine jamming on a rooftop as something cool, I think driving an old car for a road trip across the state with maybe a bunch of guitar freaks singing indie songs would be something cool as well. But as usual, most of the things I hope for are a bit too impossible.

I'm not contented on what I've achieved in life so far.

Sometimes I ask myself why is life so scary. Then I think that dying might be scary as well. The only thing that differentiates it with a scary movie, or a scary car ride, or a scary whatever, is that you can't close your eyes. Gah. Whatever.

Stay Up Late and You'll Get Cranky

I regained my sense of humour or whatever you call that something that causes you to do a facepalm when you reread your emo posts.

Anyway I'll be going upcountry where perhaps I can forget about being pathetic and start climbing the climbable rooftop while enjoying the sunset.

Till we meet again.

...

I don't know where to start, and where will this end.

Since the beginning of the previous semester, I've been trying hard to stay strong. To stop thinking too much. To keep on moving forward. Everytime I felt that life sucks, I try hard not to blog about it because it's just not cool. I am aware of who might be reading. Some friends, some foes. Some who might worry of who I've become. Some who might be fed up of my rants. Some might even laugh of what's happening to me.

I hate my honesty. I hate how I can put personal stuffs here, I do. 

Blogging about stuffs is never a solution to a problem, I know. But I can never deceive myself, or my friends.  I don't know why I keep coming here. I don't know what's happening to me. I don't know where am I supposed to be. I don't know anything. At this stage, I just feel like I know nothing.

It's hard to show your weaknesses. It's one of the things which I never imagined I can do at this age. I've never felt so weak and hopeless in my entire life. Yes, I do feel hopeless. I was lying. I know the difference between saying things and truly meaning of what I say. Yes, I do feel jealous. To see others doing very well. It's not easy. You feel like the whole world is against you, even when you try hard to push away those thoughts. Yes, I do feel angry. Some people don't even have to try. Yet their lives are full of sunshine and rainbows. And yes, I do hate myself for having those thoughts.

If I knew college life was going to be this tough, I'd be better of not knowing all the people who I know now. All the events I've attended. All the laughter that I had, every responsibilities that I've taken, every bonds that I've formed, every moments that caused me to feel so happy yet so terribly hopeless.

Sometimes I ask myself, out of so many people, why me? After all the years of always being on top, why me? After all the effort, why me? Things would be easier to accept if I was not this ambitious. If I was not in an environment where I am now. 

I wish I can run away sometimes. Climb to the top of a green hill and dance beneath a tree trying to catch the leaves that fall like raindrops. Yet all I see now is another year ahead of me full of uncertainties, full of faces I would love to avoid, full of words which are uttered without truly conveying the true meaning.

I would love to say that I'm not complaining, but obviously I am. Isn't it something that you and me always do? I would love to say that I'm not actually giving up, but unfortunately I'm not really sure. 

Please don't get me wrong. I feel happy for my friends who did very well, I truly do. Because I know how bad it feels like being in this situation. And because they deserve what they've obtained. But saying so also means that I deserve what I've obtained. Which I'm really not sure of.

Life goes on. I wake up, see the sunshine through the leaves of the tree behind my bedroom. I go to bed, lie awake and think of why am I still living despite being so useless. It's not fun. Yet I try to stay alive. It sucks to be floating around not knowing any purpose of walking on. But deep down I would want to trust that somehow I can make it through even when it hurts so badly that I'm left so clueless now. 

I regret that this post reveals to you too much information, but somehow, someone needs to know. 

Rocky

Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it.

You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done.

Now if you know what you're worth then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you! You're better than that!

Not emo or anything. Just thinking that this quote deserves to be read by hopeless people like me, hahaha. I need more people to scold me. Anger is my motivation.

Wait, I'm not hopeless la, at least not yet. 

2012 in 2.0 Megapixels

I'm probably going to start posting some recaps of this year. Just for fun. It's something nice to be read in years to come, I guess. 

Saw this at college one afternoon after class.

Studied with a black cat one evening in Akasia.

Had a funny vending machine experience with the other girls
after cell group.

Had my first coolblog with my two classmates, months after
everyone else had their first one.

Found this book in the library.

Bought my first chatime.

Went to Japan. Hoho just kidding. Autumn in Intec!

Queued up in the longest queue I've even been in to go to college.

Revised Bio on the field before my first topic test. Wide, empty
spaces make me feel happy.

Oh Hai

So an article that appeared on my news feed 10 days ago made such a huge impact, I decided to step back from social network for as long as I can endure.

Taking a break from blogging was hard, especially when there were times when I felt that I just needed to get my problems out of my head. However I'm very glad to say that the past 10 days made me realise that the more I blog about my problems, the more I share about them, the more miserable I become.

Getting away from Facebook for the first time made me realise that the less I know about what's happening in other people's lives, the more I find myself not comparing myself to who they are and what they have. I suddenly felt that not knowing at all on what are other people are up to is a good thing after all. I stopped having expectations on how certain things should happen. It was a great feeling.

But when almost everyone shares important updates on a place you've stepped out of, it's hard to think that you may be missed out in certain things. I had to check my results whether they're out or not for almost everyday, I missed a discussion (and argument, hoho) for my primary school class reunion, missed some birthday wishes. Well at least I think I had probably missed some things I wished I never knew, so that's one good point.

In fact after all that I've been through for the past 10 days, I'm actually looking forward to a day when I can probably take a longer rest, especially when A-Levels is just less than 5 months to go. 

I'm happier than who I was a few months ago, not that nothing is happening, but more because of this time I just want to stop expecting too much from others and start taking my own baby steps. Not that I'm trying to be cocky, but sometimes seeking comfort from others would only lead to disappointment. I don't know how this is linked to social media, but somehow it does.

So I don't want to sound perasan or what, I know there are people who care, but I can assure you that whatever happens, for the time being, I am fine, I am happy and I have made a reflection that I still want to live for as long as I can. I lay awake last night and got reminded of a lot of moments this year when I felt worthless, when I felt disappointed about the people and things around me. Made me realise that all these while I've been expecting too much from others.

How I wish I was more ignorant than who am I, so that I can just relax a little bit and stop thinking too much.

Silence

Honestly I never thought of writing another song after three months of not being able to do so. I was thinking like "uh, that's it, looks like this is the end of my songwriting journey", after about five failed attempts during the past months. Failed attempts, according to my definition in songwriting, is when I kind of figured out a line or two, but couldn't continue due to various reasons. The top three things that can stop me from continuing are:

1. When I can't rhyme the endings of the lines into something that makes sense.
2. When I can't figure out a theme on what I am about to write.
3. When chord progressions sound so familiar like my previous songs, or some other songs that I've listened to.

Writing "Silence" has been a fun journey, and no matter how many views will I get from this one, I'm still going to love it like my "Smell the Rain" and "Raindrops in My Summer". Although previously I was skeptical about the lyrics (yes, that happens all the time) I kind of love this new stuff - no mushy mushy I miss you love you thank you kind of thingy. Haha. However I have to admit that the skeptical side of me senses that the lyrics somehow doesn't make any sense at all. 

Some parts are written based on my emotions, some by observation on what has happened to the people around me. Although completed in one sitting, it wasn't actually something that came into my mind instantly. Empty playground with a broken swing is not something new, in fact it came in August from an emo moment when I was walking aimlessly around my hostel. I managed to make it into the pre-chorus of my abandoned song, "That Familiar Place", but in the end decided that it was something terribly mushy.

Yet all I see is a playground

with a broken swing,

and all I hear is 

the songs we used to sing.

Uh, I'm writing these descriptions as if I'm one of the members of The Beatles. Like errrr, who knows, some people leave legacies when they leave. I'm scared of being forgotten, haha. Just thinking that if you want to wait until you're great enough to share something, that moment will never come. 

To those who are curious.

It's always like this.

    

I watch documentaries about dead songwriters, awesome how these kind of papers can become valuable when you're dead and your songs get popular. Teehee.

My silent bandmate says thanks for listening/reading.
(Sounds like the two components of IELTS) :P

Till we meet again in another song, hopefully can lah, before I burn my damaged guitar during one of my imaginary mini concerts. Uh. 

Hope this song won't make me look so emo. Don't take it seriously, please. 

Silence

Silence

30th Nov 2012

Verse 1

An empty playground with a broken swing

A tiny room with a fan spinning

A thousand faces on the wall smiling

and the clock is ticking

(Ohkay, that's a super lame verse to begin with...)

Verse 2

Watching the sunset with a broken guitar in your hand

Scribbling a paper, with the things you can't stand

Maybe your silence is a sign of moving on

Perhaps silence is about staying strong

Pre-chorus 1

What if silence is a screaming child

Sometimes in silence you sing for a while

because that is when you start to smile

When you know that you need to keep walking another mile

Chorus

Some say silence is like sun rays shining through the leaves

when you wake up in the morning, you have something to believe in

You might say silence is when everyone sleeps

Maybe it's just the time when we choose to listen and to not speak

Verse 3

Singing songs that everyone sings

Realising there's not much time left to say out the things

that you never really wanted to hide

'cause your words might force you to swallow your pride

Pre-chorus 2

What if silence is a kid in hunger?

Or a group of people living in anger?

Broken families, and enemies

What if silence is what it takes to have peace

Chorus

Some say silence is like sun rays shining through the leaves

when you wake up in the morning, you have something to believe in

You might say silence is when everyone sleeps

Maybe it's just the time when we choose to listen and to not speak

________________________________________________________________

I'm recording this. Because it's not a song about crushes or memories or friendship.

It's a song about fighting battles when everything seems so distant.

Oh wait, that sounds emo. 

Haha.

Money

I hate to grumble about money, but this is exploding inside me.

Sent a picture of my damaged guitar to a local music store exactly one year after purchasing it (not from the same shop). I asked how much would it cost to fix the damage. The answer was not so shocking, but definitely something I wouldn't want to hear, (a) because it's almost the same price with the guitar itself, and (b) I wouldn't want to spend that amount of money on something I'm not very sure of.

Approximate cost will be RM 150. Very affordable for most of us. You see, sometimes our biggest lie is that we keep on saying we don't have money. But that biggest lie is somehow, sometimes true.

I have a piggy bank that I kept since Form 1. But I  just can't bring myself to spend something that I had thriftily saved day by day, week by week from my daily pocket money which I almost never touched when I was in my early secondary school days. I hate college. (a) because it took away my true self, the one that knew I shouldn't be spending like a rich kid and (b) because I spent money more than I study during these past one and a half year I've been away from home.

I'm not crazy for money, no I'm not. 

I pretty much know as well that even when you have tonnes of money, you're not necessarily happy. But my personal opinion on how money can buy happiness has never ever changed, to be honest.

You have money, you get to eat. You get to buy stuffs. 

I know it sounds (very) immature.

As for my guitar, I don't know. Never had enough to bring one into the house in the first place anyway.

It was just me who always wanted one because it makes me happy. And I got my second one because the first one was barely playable. That was after four years of patience, and those who heard the story about it knows how did I eventually got one. I stole it. Just kidding. And the third because I needed a travel guitar which is durable/small/light enough to be stuffed into the overhead compartment of an airplane.

Quoting from a song by Silly Fools,
"It's hard when nothing is ever enough"

Well. That's kinda true. Especially when it comes to money matters.

"You even need money to enter a toilet", that's what someone mentioned to me not long ago.

Funny

Hi. Another late-night post. I know.

Haven't been sleeping well for the past 2 weeks. Can't get myself to sleep early. And it in the end makes me think too much.

2012 is coming to its end very soon.

Throughout this year, I've been thinking too much about growing up. About how I should behave as a 19-year-old. About how I should get rid of my immaturity and start being wise whenever being challenged to be wise. I guess it's normal. You come to an age when you experience so many new things, mingle around with so many matured people, you just want to be like them.

Just a few seconds ago, it struck me that perhaps all these while I've been trying too hard to grow up, not knowing that it won't come as fast as I always thought it would be. 

Just a few weeks ago, on the final day of my end of semester exams, I was taking a stroll with a friend to my college's Faculty of Music.

Well if I were to answer a question about how happy I am to be in an environment where my future is so blurry, where my enthusiasm seems to die, my faith so shallow, I'd answer that it's one of the worst stages of my life so far.

Back to the Faculty of Music story, I'll tell you a secret.

It's one of the best places in my college.

There's this unexplainable feeling whenever I step into that place. When musical notes hit my eardrums. When I see people who get to do what they are really certain of doing for their futures.

I told my friend that if I didn't have to think of my future, and how I would need to be responsible of my own survivability, I'd probably been taking courses that make me feel happy. Although I have to admit that most of the time, I am never certain about my true passion.

It's funny. 

It's funny that the year when I suddenly get serious about growing up, is also the year where I find myself dealing with so many immature thoughts, so many questions, and so many unresolved doubts.

Rights and Wrongs

A few months ago, our English lecturer asked the whole class to stand up one by one and state our principles in life.

I love talking about abstract things.

Our principles. Our attitudes. The way we see things.

Back in a few years ago, my circle of friends wasn't that wide. I never got to know my friends' backgrounds. How they were raised. What happened during their childhood. Who did they mix with the most. How they handle life.

As much as I hate college life, well I have to admit it does teach me a thing or two.

Our principles. Our attitudes. They way we see things. The way we handle situations.

They don't just come overnight. 

It's a long story. Twisting and turning, sometimes it sounds like a fairytale, sometimes a drama. Sometimes it's tragedy. They say the past should remain in the past, but the truth is you can never leave what has shaped you into who you are today.

Some of us might not understand why certain people behave in certain ways. Why some people dwell in anger. Why we choose to act in different ways. Why we despair in things which look so trivial in the eyes of others. Our experiences differ, maybe that's why.

For human beings to understand each other is no simple task. Sometimes I don't understand myself as well.

It's easy to blame others. It's easy to fall into self-pity. 

But when you start to see too much blaming around you, too much finger-pointing, too much selfishness, too much anger, what will you do? 

Our experiences, our upbringing, well, sometimes they are similar in a few aspects.

But it's still possible for different people take the same things differently.

Everyone screams. We all do. But most of the time, we don't scream in the same way. 

Some scream in silence.

Three Years Old

It's my buddy's third birthday today. Three years ago, he was the best one I ever held in my arms. That was, of course, before I even knew that I would sooner have the chance to play a Yamaha, SX, Takamine, and just a few months ago, a Taylor.

And ironically...he has three scratches.

I always wanted an electric guitar, but lately I realised that there are so many things I haven't discovered yet about acoustic guitars. There are so many other interesting things which I haven't learnt and mastered. You know that when strumming becomes something so plain, it's time to learn new stuffs to spice up the strums. In fact, if someone decides to give me 1000 bucks right now, I would go for another acoustic.

Well right now the main reason why I want an electric is that I realise the fact that I can't sing, and having an electric means there are more chances to play rock solos, so if I get good in playing solos I wouldn't have to sing. See the whole picture? It's like the guitar doing the singing for you.

So because I have this friend who told me to make the best of what we have...I'm not giving up on fingerstyle, because being able to play fingerstyle is also my dream. And this guitar is great enough for fingerstyle, thanks to the low action despite having a brand name that clearly indicates that it's a counterfeit XD

Might be coming out with a basic fingerstyle cover next month with this 3-year-old buddy, if I have enough time to practise the whole song.

So..(This is a Random Post)

So..you are not supposed to start a sentence with so.

But who cares. As much as I love (subconsciously) checking and auto-correcting people's grammar on their status updates, I do that on my blog occasionally too. I nearly died when I read back my posts in 2009.

So..it's 2am and I can't sleep. What's the big deal?

Well I've been trying to not switch on my laptop for the whole day. It was kind of a success..not until I decided to post something new here. I haven't been writing on my journal since I don't know when, haven't been writing any songs, haven't cursed for a long time (yeah, go ahead, roll your eyes), haven't been pouring out emo stuffs for more than one week (YAYS!) so that means I haven't been expressing my thoughts for so long. I hate keeping everything inside. So here I am.

So...I've been studying. And it's a slow progress. It's not fun when you start from scratch. It's not fun when you don't feel the stress.

So...I got distracted.

One good thing about being in your own room is that when you get distracted, there's always one interesting thing after another.

Playing guitar suddenly, surprisingly, sadly became boring. 

So I decided to do some historical retrieval.

And I ended up emoooo. 

That's why I'm here.

As a collector/keeper, there are always junk in my bedroom which can be connected to some memories. And I tell you, I might look oh-not-so-girly when you always see me in t-shirt and jeans and a guitar 24/7, but the truth is I can be super mushy. Like overly sentimental. Emo. Whatever you call it.

I suddenly miss the good ol' days...and the people who were in those days.

And I notice that people like me (ugh..), the mushy ones, the overly sentimental ones are the ones yang macam syok sendiri, still living in the past, cursing the present, and fearing the future. 

If you ask me when were the happiest years of my life, I'd say when I was 14. I played computer games, enjoyed studying, had a lot of haters, yet life was so cool.

Now I no longer have much time for games. Have more friends that I could ever imagine. Don't really like studying. Afraid of so many things. Angry with so many things.

I find it interesting that how our past pretty much affects who we are today.

And I shall leave that philosophical post for another day.

Because I need to sleep and regret for posting this when I see this tomorrow.

I find it funny that nowadays I regret posting stuffs a day after posting them, not like last time when it took about a few months to regret. Talk about growing up so fast. Maybe. 

I still don't see that I've grown up much after entering college. It fact I think college life has mutated me, making me whine more like a baby and wail more like a kid.

I have to sleep before I start to whine again.

Thankful

It's been a good day.

Thinking back of all the things I've said and done, how I wish I never uttered those words, never felt those feelings.

Growing up is a trial and error process, I guess.

Fix You

I never knew this song existed, not until earlier this month when it was featured in my church's campus Christmas production.

When I listened to the first line, it felt like this was the song I've been searching for all these while.

When you try your best, but you don't succeed

When you get what you want, but not what you need

When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone, but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below

When you're too in love to let it go

But if you never try you'll never know

Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face

When you lose something you cannot replace

Tears stream down on your face

And I...

Tears stream down on your face

I promise you I will learn from my mistakes

Tears stream down on your face

And I...

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

If I were to listen to this back in a few years ago, it might have meant nothing to me.

So when I found out that my neighbour living downstairs agreed to make a song cover together, I suggested this song.

This is my first ever song collab recording with a friend. It has always been my dream to play music with friends and record songs together. Looking forward to more chances in the future.

Goodbye 3rd Sem, Hello Home

It's nice to live in a place where there's a fridge in the kitchen.

I arrived home safely after a tiring day, and after sleeping for only three hours last night. Because of the sudden plan to go outing (it was fun!), I had to stay up late to clear off my room (college rules..) so I woke up feeling like a zombie, feeling both dizzy and tired.

And because this time I wasn't alone going to the airport, waiting didn't become such an emo time. I decided to observe people less and reflect on a few things more. Or should I say I was actually dozing off while waiting. Even Facebook became not so fun to go to.

One memorable thing I experienced today is that Mr. Customs Officer detected a pair of scissors inside my guitar bag while scanning it. And I didn't even know it was hidden there. I denied like a thousand times after he failed to find it, so Mr. Boyfriend had to go through the scanner again. I felt like a criminal.

Apparently he was right, there was a pair of scissors hidden in between some sheets of lyrics kept in my file inside the bag. And worst thing is that we found it only after he touched/looked through my not-so-clean bedsheet which I wrapped my guitar with, let's say it's for extra padding. (Obviously no, it's just a tactic to not to get my luggage to be overweight). And I had to take everything out, including my 'diary' which he flipped through (fearing a pair of scissors to be in between the pages?) and a pair of dirty socks I didn't know where to stuff in (but he was to scared to search for it there..muahahaha).

And one funny thing is that the scissors wasn't even mine, it belonged to my junior who was there at that moment. Somehow I accidentally kept the scissors after some CA/CR project we had. So sad. She had to accept the fact that they had to take it away just moments after her reunion with the lost item.

Waiting was cool, I'm perfectly fine with waiting without doing anything. Mastered the art of it after a few semesters in college. Seeing two fellow Kuchingites (names shall not be revealed..) leaving in an earlier flight of course made me feel jelly.

One hour later, it was my turn to board the flight...and due to a few delays, we had to wait for about another half an hour, which..was..so..torturing..because..all..I..wanted..to..do..was..to...sleep....

So I slept for half the journey, which was one of the most uninteresting flights I've even been in. Babies were crying in synchrony (I'm not lying..they sounded like a contagious choir thingy, one after another, and in the end together..). Boy behind me kept on kicking my seat (couldn't give my legendary deadly glare, because his mum was there..). And as usual there were moments of heart attacks when the plane hit the clouds. 

Fast forward fast forward.

I reached safely (yays..) and Kuching was drizzling. 

Kitty is still fat, but lacking the love she used to receive.

My bedroom is ridiculously neat and tidy (now not anymore..)

There's no worries about being hungry at 2am.

I love my parents even more after exchanging stories. And I laughed like crazy joking around with my third sister who is still my best friend.

I'm sitting on a bed that doesn't squeak. Aahhhh.

And I played my guitar, sang in the bathroom, did everything that I really miss doing.

Looking back on my third semester, yes, it was a hard time. Time passed by so fast. There were times when things went so fun, there were also times when life seemed to be so stressful. Gave up a million times. Got motivated again a million times as well. Failures were and are still there. But I achieved quite a number of things too. Sometimes I felt all alone, but most of the time everyone was still there.

I'm not sure of what's going to happen next semester. Yes, the fear never left me. But I know I have less than two months to mend things before the new semester starts.

To those who had been helping me to continue having hope and directing me back to God, I just want to thank you guys. Seriously. I remember most of the things. Even small matters. I survived my third semester not by my own strength.

This is it, time to remember my promises and try to fulfil them one by one.

Aha

I found this minutes ago while watching a video about songwriting. Interesting thought.

"Just be diligent about doing it, don’t judge yourself, don’t think it sucks, because it doesn't,  no matter what. And you know what, if someone thinks it sucks then forget them, who cares. You think it sucks? Well be thankful that you're writing a song, finish it, then judge it. You don't like it? Write another one. But then you have that one under your belt, you see, you grow. Create as many songs as you want."

-Tony Brucco.

No..vem..berrrr

It's hard to not post about emo stuffs.

Been one week since the start of November, and this is the rarest moments where you see me not blogging for days. I was too lazy to talk to myself and show it to the whole world. Well I guess that's good.

C4 was bad. I never love Maths, but as I look back, if anything happens to my results for Maths this time, I'm not going to say I didn't study. Because I did. I studied more than last sem. And it was torturing. I don't know how to teach myself Maths, so I had to watch videos. I thought it was better than weeping like a mad woman, staring at the textbooks and exercises without eventually gaining anything. I somehow think it's useful, but it doesn't help much when you're on your headphones for 4 continuous hours. Again, it was a torture. The voice of that guy explaining the lessons in the video kept on ringing in my head.

And the moment the lecturer said times up, put down your pen, that was one of the biggest relief I had. Because I've been waiting for that moment. I've been battling with my own voice, seeming to be rebelling and shouting "whennn is this going to enddddd?"

All I want to do now is to get myself back in my own bedroom and have my own time and space. I mean my own bedroom. The one with the Santa Cruz. The one where I can lay on the cold floor while reading my novels. The one where I can sit and listen to pigeons, not crows. The one which I can treat like my jam studio. 

Out of all the things I miss, I miss being myself. I miss being crazy. I miss the moments when I can just act as if I don't care.

I'm Scared

Seriously.

I've been Googling for solutions for Maths since I-don't-know-when, and it doesn't help much when you're so left behind.

I wish I could tell someone that I'm really scared of tomorrow's Maths.

and I keep coming back here hoping that somehow this fear can leave me as I express it out.

Because I really don't know to who else I should say this.

I've been telling the whole world, and repeating the same thing isn't cool.

I'm scared I just feel like tossing all these books and run outside to get soaked in the rain instead.

First Day of Finals

I just think today's quite funny.

Woke up feeling perfectly fine but later three hours of Statistics exam in a super cold small classroom caused me to get a terrible flu which is so annoying. Almost cried while answering the paper. Felt so sad and hungry I took a large pile of rice for lunch and yeah, dozed off in the library before Bio. Finished one packet of tissue paper provided by very generous housemate during Bio. Walked out of the exam hall in the heavy rain. Got my new pair of shoes wet. But entered the house with a large grin..

..plus a pocketful of tissue papers containing mucus.

Stats killed me, Bio made me come back alive. To those who are concern, yeah it's been a bad bad start especially for Stats, which I pretty much know how the end result will be.

Still alive, still going to carry on.

So what. It's not that I didn't study.

Time to study for the next Bio paper, with the hope that the flu medicine won't make me fall asleep.

So what. I'm still alive.

Zzzzzzz

I'm running out of titles and I'm starting to use letters and useless expressionsssss.

*Yawns*

It's raining. 

...and I like it.

Funny that the raindrops woke me up from my nap just now. Felt like continuing sleeping..but no.

It's been raining almost everyday here. Reminds me of my favourite Thai movie, Seasons Change. I love the rain. Was sitting here yesterday, studying Bio when it rained so heavily like never before. I was questioning myself why am I trapped inside this room studying while my heart is actually so excited, I feel like running outside and start dancing in the rain.

And today all I want to do is sleep.

But alas, life is not about all you want to do.

Sometimes (or most of the time) it's about all you need to do to get what you want to do.

Rainy season switches on my philosophical mood.

Zzzz.

AAAAAaaaaa

AaAAAAAaahhh I feel so stressed I just want to sing aloud right now.

But my room mate is here, studying.

Singing in the bathroom lagilah cannot. Echo man, Echo.

Back in home, the home is always mine. Can sing wherever, whenever I want.

Aaaaaaaa.

Hmmpphhh

As one of the very few people from my class who is not going back during this study leave, I was asked to take our previous Bio test papers from our lecturer.

And as a normal curious human being, of course I took the chance to look at my classmates' marks (and despairing at mine for being the second lowest again..).

There's this bunch of guys in my class, I don't know how do they normally study, but they are always late for class, sleep in class without hiding their sleepiness, yet still get double the marks that I always obtain.

And there's this bunch of kaki jalan, kaki wayang, kaki whatever, who looks as if they never bothered to study, yet still can do way better than me.

As life in college goes on, now I fully comprehend that we all have our own strengths, something that we are good at, even without trying.

Some of us sit hours and hours trying to comprehend something that someone else can understand even without putting much effort.

Here I am, complaining that I don't even get a single thing my Chemistry book is saying, and it takes me one day to finish a chapter of Statistics, and Maths can make me cry like a mad woman by just staring at the questions, and Bio is the only thing I can bear with. 

Not realising that I didn't try hard for my IELTS, yet God still blessed me abundantly with the results that I've just obtained. I never feel stressed out learning guitar on my own, yet God still blessed me with adequate skills for me to give back to Him. I have nothing to do with Thailand, yet I can effortlessly sing a Thai song for you. I can shoot a basketball into the ring. I'm not afraid of cats. I can kill  cockroaches for my screaming neighbours. I can do things that some people cannot do, so why am I complaining about the things that I am never good at?

I am a champion, just like you too,

even though I still hate the fact that sometimes our effort doesn't really match the end results.

Whyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Study leave is almost coming to its end...

..and as usual, I find myself hating the fact that I never really utilise the time that I have to do some proper revision. 5 minutes trying to focus on something, I get distracted again.

It's so annoying that although today I managed to complete one chapter of Statistics, now I end up sitting in front of the laptop, previously thinking of doing some past year papers, and a few minutes later ending up googling about Squier Bullet Strat and start dreaming of having one.

Self-control, buddy. Self-control.

And now I'm like calculating how impossible it is to finish studying everything before the finals.

Looks like I'm planning for my own failure, I know.

Someone please just throw a brick to my face. As much as you are fed up of advising me to persevere and continue working hard, I'm fed up of myself as well. I hate myself for being so lazy, easily distracted and slow. It's a super bad combination.

Time to do something, although it looks rather too late...

Sandpaper Inside My Throat

Study leave has just began and I'm falling sick.

Oh boy. :(

*

We make assumptions to quickly, we get frustrated very easily. We throw out angry statements, we let our emotions deceive us. Not knowing the reasons behind certain things, certain actions that our loved ones take. Not thinking first about many possibilities of what's happening on the other side of the story, what's playing in that person's mind.

I am that kind of person.

But I am thankful that through this weakness that I have, no matter where I run to, I always seem to get the help that I need before I have to see everything as being too late to realise.

I'm sorry for making you worried, and no, I don't hate you.

I love you.

Suddenly Thought of This

Life is like revising Ethics slides.

You don't know how many exact pages there are.

You don't know how many unexpected pages there are, and how long and tough some notes are on some pages.

But you just keep revising, keep copying them, keep learning, with the thought that as long as you keep going, you're going to eventually reach the last page.

And you just know, when you finally reach that last page, you will smile and leap in joy, because by then you'll feel satisfied that you've done your part, you've prepared for the exam, you finished doing everything that you can.

Life is like revising Ethics slides.

Answering my own question about life, the future, and our uncertainties.

Oh, the disadvantages of studying without hard copy notes.

Waking Up

Waking up from emoness is just one great feeling.

Eventhough I had risked my reputation and dignity during the emo moments, I guess the lessons that came from it made me realised that I need some tough moments to mould me into a person I would like to be in the future.

Looking matured and acting matured is cool, but tough.

Need more trials and lessons and pain, I guess.

But to be honest, I wish that I never really had to blame others or ask God why whenever times get tough. Easy to realise when life is OK, but tough to think rationally when things go wrong.

And like I said just now, need more training, I guess.

Things will get tougher after this, buddy. But remember, you're not alone. Even a rainy day can give you a beautiful time.

Everything's So Temporary..

Two days ago I went out for dinner with one of my housemates, just the two of us. We don't normally go out to eat together nowadays, and in our hostel, we don't normally talk about serious matters. We don't share about our worries and problems. We just talk and joke around. However that evening she told me something that she has been thinking of lately.

Everything in life is so temporary. What's the meaning? We try to chase for different things, achieve a lot of things, which in the end are meaningless. What's the purpose of life?

I wasn't ready to give any answers because at this stage, I am also trying to figure out what's my purpose here. I wanted to share with her the only thing I am certain of is that I am still living and is still kept alive because God still wants to use me, but being the always-silly-and-never-serious Fee in front of my housemates, I just kept that inside.

Or probably because, in my certainty, I also keep some doubts.

I don't get it sometimes why do we worry too much about our future. I have never been this worried about my future, to be honest. I started worrying when I finished high school. Then the moment I found out that I was given a place in this college, I stopped worrying.

When I was in Form 2 my Maths teacher, Mr. Song, shared and introduced the verse Jeremiah 29:11 for the very first time in my life. Back then, I was a very optimistic teen. I was almost never shaken by the problems around me. I wasn't problem-free, I was just capable of picking myself up problem after problem. And when I say I had problems, I mean what I say, although in this place, I have to admit I've heard a lot more of bigger problems than mine. At the age of 13, I was criticised for the way I walked. I was bullied by a primary 4 kid when I was in primary 5 just because of my skin appearance. I had friends, but I never felt that I belonged to any groups.  I floated around different groups of people, but there were so many moments that I was left behind walking alone back from lab. Throughout my high school years, I never felt noticed although I achieved good grades. I never made it into major competitions although I was promised to be in one a year before. I didn't hold any important posts  (Being a normal prefect is so common in my school, you just need to behave well), never trusted for any big responsibilities, although I was one of those people who will walk up of stage every end of the year. I was noticed by some of my subject teachers as one of those attentive students, but never more than that. I was a silent achiever. I was living in insecurity, but no one knew. And even now, I find it hard to adapt in a place where the smart achievers here are the ones that are always in the limelight.

So when my grades were taken away from me, of course I feel the pain. I always thought that I could get my dad's attention by getting good grades. I always thought that by getting good grades, I will get a scholarship, study in another country, be like that neighbour, that second cousin, and that dude you saw in the town school magazine. Back then, I was insecure about so many things in my future, but I managed to pull through, and I have to say only God made that possible.

The future is still scary, in fact so scary now.

I cried a lot back then, but never complained. I felt dejected throughout my late secondary school years, still I don't remember myself complaining. I guess that's the difference now.

I guess now I complain too much, I don't even realise that this is just my temporary home.

 

Nope, I don't know anything about this singer. Just happened to listen to it one evening while I was listening to some random radio station on my phone. The lyrics just kept playing in my mind and it came back after I heard what my housemate told me.

And yeah, don't take me seriously. Just feeling a bit depressed after finishing my IELTS test and having 2 Bio reports still left undone.

What would happen if we could see our future? Would we choose to stop trying?

What If This Is You

You stare at the paper.

Your mind is blank.

You try to think.

Still blank.

Try harder, they say.

So you try harder.

Still blank.

That voice came again.

You're a loser. This is so easy. Why do you still don't understand. Why are you such an idiot.

Stop it, you say.

I'm not stupid, you say.

Why did I end up here again, you ask.

Then those clear drops just fell on your paper.

You run. You run. You feel like screaming. But it's just not the right place.

Millions of faces came into your mind.

Your mum. Your dad. Your friends.

Seek help. Don't do this to yourself, you say.

But the other you said, don't. Learn to face it yourself.

Grow up.

Then slowly you pick yourself up.

When the world looks at you as if you have never tried to do your best

You just know.

It's about time for you stop what you're doing.

It's about time for you to stop seeking help.

And start forcing yourself to get up.

Stay strong, buddy. This will end soon.

Picto-update

De-stressing again after speaking test. I don't deserve this time of  "oh-I-have-nothing-to-do", but ah, viewing my albums and realising on how I've not uploaded any of the latest photos since coming back from raya break just makes me feel weird.

I will upload all of them this semester break, since it's almost the end of the semester anyway. Once you've missed one album, it's just not right to start uploading a new one. That's why I didn't upload any at all. It's like piling up a Maths homework. Once you've stopped doing one topic, you won't feel like continuing the next.

This is what I've been up to with a real camera in my hands.

Balance-the-switch game. Housemate's room.

Balance-the-switch game. My room.

Admiring the beauty of the Akasian sky at 7.08am.

Realised that waking up early on a Saturday morning is fun.
Here's an unedited picture of my (almost broken) guitar.

Took pictures of a lot of people, because it's fun especially when they
are not posing for your camera.

September ended.

October came.

There are times when I find myself in the heights of euphoria, but indeed there are also times when I fall back into the depths of agony.

But sometimes, no matter what the doubts are all about, no matter how tough this journey is, it's these kind of photographs that will somehow whisper to you that the people around you are not there for nothing. And you are here not because of nothing as well. 

I still don't get why am I in this place, sometimes. 

Home is just one month away. I pray that even in the struggles, I can still find joy.

Yayyyy

No more Bio tests until finals. Yayyy.

IELTS speaking test on Friday. Yayyyyy.

De-stressing after a test paper is indeed one of the best feelings in college life. Just came back from a relaxing dinner time after a not so relaxing Bio test.

I had high hopes on Bio this time. I wanted to show improvement so that my first improvement won't look as if it was mere luck. But...ahhhh...too bad. I have to admit today's paper was tough. I expected it to be tougher than the previous one, and I was prepared to face it no matter how tough it would turn out to be.

No regrets. I did my best. I studied. I read the textbooks and understood the concepts. I did exercises. I sat on my study table like never before. I enjoyed Kreb's Cycle like dancing at a field on top of a hill with brown leaves falling from a huge tree. I didn't feel the burden in revising for this test. 

That's already a huge accomplishment for me.

If I don't get what I want, it's okay. :) I can do better in my finals, and I believe as long as I continue to do my part, God is always there looking at my effort. :)

__________________________________

Random updates?

I bought a red pair of shoes today muahahahaa. This is sooo not me, but a 10 bucks pair of shoes is not easy to forget, especially when your friend promoted it to you the first moment she saw you early in the morning XD Now there are 3 people in the CA committee with the same shoes but different colours hahahaha. 

Nothing much to update on, but yeah, as usual, I have a lot of random things to say, but not today. Maths is waiting.

See you after the finals.

Just kidding.